What I see when I look at me. (I'm sorry this may offend someone/everyone).

[Ar****]

Jen... I've noticed your comments and interactions on the forums for a while, and although I don't recall us ever interacting directly you have always been somebody I have found easy to respect and admire.

I could never have all the answers you seek, I suspect that you can only get to where you want to be by taking on a balanced tapestry of insight support, but I love your bravery and wish I could offer you a short-cut.

I don't think you're messed up, I think you're human. You've clearly got a deep awareness of several aspects of yourself; the rest will fall into place in time. Try not to place too much pressure on yourself in the meanwhile. Keep talking things through with those you trust and find helpful. You'll get there, and I wish you the best as you find out what "there" looks like.

[Je****]

31 minutes ago, BountyHunter said:

And that's the problem....

Ok. So... why wouldnt they?

Exactly who are these others? Is what they think important, or even relevant?

 

I really do relate to looking in that mirror and not liking what's there. Took Fen shaving my head, took me accepting I am never gonna be classically "beautiful"... 

I used to look at myself and see my dad. That used to be like 'I wanna look pretty, y'know? Now it's 'hot witch'

 

You know it's gotta come from within...

It will. 

Took me 51 years to be happy in my skin so you've at least got a good head start on me. And, if I of all people can come from "knowing" that I was "ugly" to knowing that ultimately it really is subjective and I AM beautiful. In my mad, gothic, witchy sex goddess way.

 

Your pics, btw, well you know what our thoughts are on those 🐺🙏🐺❤

Ty for our kind words. 

 

I think you are beautiful. Inside and out. I don't think there is anything ugly about you either! I love the hippie gothy witchy wolfie woman you are!!! It suits you so well. But you are far from ugly. 

I am taking the leap next year to partially or fully shave my head. I just want to transform, and be how I want to be..finally! I have some things in mind, so I will try my best to make that happen. 

As for people accepting me, it's my biggest downfall, always the worrier. But close friends, or family, rejecting me or laughing at me. If they can be hurtful without something complicated then I do worry something else may follow if they knew of my agony with this subject. I have heard them ramble about gender related things in the past and how sheltered they are. Another reason I hide some things away. Just doesn't feel worth the risk. But perhaps now this is tearing through more, I may have to take new steps and reconsider my path. x

[Je****]

34 minutes ago, oldfellow said:

I hate to say this but it's going to be a while before you figure all of this out. Talking with friends can help, seeking opinion on a forum like this can help but it's like doing research. You can amass the body of opinion and then you need to sift it and make sense of it. 

Note that the sense you make of it is yours. 

I'll offer you this thought for what it is worth. First you need to know yourself. It's sometimes helpful to figure out if people around you see the same you that you see. If not then you are hiding things from yourself or failing to understand why others see a different you. 

This sounds trite but then you need to learn to love yourself and if you can't manage that then at least learn to like yourself.

As you have found proffesional help is sometimes anyrhing but. 

Thanks for your words. Yes i understand. I am trying self love, and this is what's pushing me more to accept myself, it is perhaps the first step there. And yes therapy sadly I cannot consider again. I am not hiding anything from myself besides my discontent on how I feel I should identify. I think once I work this bit, it'll be the start of a more positive road. 

[Je****]

53 minutes ago, Dancingbear225 said:

When I was a boy I was raised by my mother, and she hated men and sex. She was very vocal about what behavior in and out out of the bedroom was acceptable and what, which was pretty much everything, was taboo. As a result my first sexual experience took place when I was 26 years old. I didn't start dating until I was in my 30s. I was taught that my appearance was substandard, that my style of dress was best exemplified by a homeless person shopping out of a dumpster. In short, Quasimodo was more likely to find a girlfriend than I was. My heart, intellect, artistic talent were all meritless. That was how I was raised. When I look in the mirror to this day I still feel this way, even though I know it's not true. Whenever a member of the opposite sex compliments me on my looks, my knee jerk reaction is, "What do you want, and I wish you would just ask to save us both time and ***". I write this to illustrate that to some degree I can understand what you are saying. I have often felt that being non sexual was the simplest way to manage the morass of my feelings, and for many years I did just that. I was asexual for my first 26 years. But, I wasn't happy. At best bI was content. But the longing for a more human connection grew daily, and still does. I have come to the conclusion that letting, society, my mother, or anyone else define who I am only brings unwanted *** to me. Not everyone I meet will accept me, or I them. In fact if I'm lucky, maybe 2% of the population might be people whose company I can enjoy. I know that most people I meet I can barely tolerate and vice versa, but with every new meeting, message, or conversation I greet with hope. I know I am evolving, and am unapologetic about that. I have spent years examining myself with a cold eye to determine what is me at the core, and what I have absorbed through socialization. I'm still sorting, but each day gets brighter. For the physical stuff, realize there are no quick fixes, and many problems are interrelated. In short we are the Gordian Knot that must be untied. I hope that there is something in this that can be of some use to you.

Sorry for the delay in my reply, but I wanted to give proper attention to write back.

 

My heart absolutey stopped when I read this. I felt every word and I coul really relate to you. Especially with the believing things which you simply know just are not true. It is very hard to shake that mindset as well, due to being reared in it!

I am always examining myself, everyone else, their intentions when they speak to or approach me. I end up putting myself off so easily. Hence why I wish to be or be seen a certain way, yet the people I wish to be and am attracted to, give me severe panic and anxiety attacks. I just do not know what is making this go off. But I hope to over come it slowly. One day and step at a time. 

Much the same also I have friends I hold close which I can count on one hand, with my thumb tucked down. The rest are friends I have and while I value them, they don't know the ins and outs of my life or past a the closer ones, so to speak. I am very glad you shared this with me, even though my heart goes out to what you have faced. But you are still standing and going strong despite it all, and thats something. You should be proud. I hope I reach this stage along with the answers I seek 

[Dustykat]

I feel for you and understand some, of it but I’m not In your shoes so can’t understand everything. But you don’t have to conform to what society wants  you to, f**k them be a fairy or a unicorn. Be what makes you HAPPY  and that’s the only thing that is truly important 🧚🏻‍♀️

[Je****]

37 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Jen... I've noticed your comments and interactions on the forums for a while, and although I don't recall us ever interacting directly you have always been somebody I have found easy to respect and admire.

I could never have all the answers you seek, I suspect that you can only get to where you want to be by taking on a balanced tapestry of insight support, but I love your bravery and wish I could offer you a short-cut.

I don't think you're messed up, I think you're human. You've clearly got a deep awareness of several aspects of yourself; the rest will fall into place in time. Try not to place too much pressure on yourself in the meanwhile. Keep talking things through with those you trust and find helpful. You'll get there, and I wish you the best as you find out what "there" looks like.

I won't lie my wee heart panicked for a minute here! haha. 

Thank you also. I try my best to be polite and bring genuine discussion and advice to the table. If only I could accept it upon myself eh! 

I am hoping I can understand the genderless feeling, cope with it and apply some sort of understanding to me as a person and see where I fit. I know the labels don't need to be applied, nor do I like them, but at times they can be a comfort to help you feel you belong somewhere, even if that is a small bracket. But that is exactly it! PRESSURE. I apply it too heavily on myself a lot. I need to reign that in x

[Je****]

12 minutes ago, Dustykat said:

I feel for you and understand some, of it but I’m not In your shoes so can’t understand everything. But you don’t have to conform to what society wants  you to, f**k them be a fairy or a unicorn. Be what makes you HAPPY  and that’s the only thing that is truly important 🧚🏻‍♀️

Thank you. I am trying to say Fuck It. But timid wee me is like Oh I can't say that! I am more so trying to come to terms with things in my head and life, for me though. Not for anyone else. This time I am putting myself first. xxx

[Dancingbear225]

7 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

Thank you. I am trying to say Fuck It. But timid wee me is like Oh I can't say that! I am more so trying to come to terms with things in my head and life, for me though. Not for anyone else. This time I am putting myself first. xxx

That is the most difficult thing in the world to do, putting yourself first. You worry that you're being selfish, what if "they" only like me for what I can give them? It's hard to break a lifetime habit of saying "yes", when all you really want to say is "Fuck No!". I'm working on putting myself first, almost dying due to neglecting myself taught me that I can't help anyone else if I can't take care of myself first. Now I'm learning to just be.

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

Thank you. I am trying to say Fuck It. But timid wee me is like Oh I can't say that! I am more so trying to come to terms with things in my head and life, for me though. Not for anyone else. This time I am putting myself first. xxx

The thing you already have that I think you don't see about yourself is that you are unique already! And that is the best way to be.That is what draws people to you. This will get better in time

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, Chiana said:

The thing you already have that I think you don't see about yourself is that you are unique already! And that is the best way to be.That is what draws people to you. This will get better in time

I appreciate you, ty xxx

[li****]

Oh gosh Jen my heart broke whilst reading this thread!!!! You my dear are stunningly beautiful inside and out, and such a lovely person who I've gotten to know on here and met in real life, I wish I could make all this inner turmoil go away for you!!! I know I can say don't care what others think but it is hard, I've been there myself plenty of times. 

I had this turmoil when I was going thru my twenties, I'd just got out of an abusive relationship and I was mentally messed up. It took me years to finally accept me for who I am and yes for years I thought I was fat and ugly because I'd had this drummed in to me by my abusive ex. It's only recently say like the last 5 years or so that I've finally accepted me for me, yes I have flaws and yes I'm not perfect ( no one is ) but I'm finally happy and I do believe in time you'll get there beaut.

 

I love feminine men and have been known to dress very tomboy myself, for years I wanted to be one of the lads who I use to dance with ( being an ex professional dancer all my friends were male dancers ) and for years this confused me. I always thought I was bi sexual until only recently again I was in turmoil because these feelings I had I knew weren't right, so only after chatting to my NB friend did they then say well have you ever thought you might be Pansexual!!? Do you find trans people attractive? I said yes!! Do you find NB people attractive? I said yes!!! So it finally all clicked in to place and I'd never felt so happy in all my life!!!!! It was like a light got turned on in my head. 

 

I really do believe you'll get there Jen ❤️ just keep on being you because you know what......??? You're a beautiful human being with a beautiful soul and energy about you. Sorry about my life story back there lol. ❤️❤️

[Deleted Member]

The struggles we all go through are so individualistic, so personal, so beautiful (to me). You are always so thoughtful and concise when discussing your thoughts and experiences. You have a lot of insight, and you are very self aware, more so than many.
Putting this out here, shows your ability to be *** and strong, it takes some degree of trust to do this. And for you a little bit of trust is a lot.
As your friend, I admire you for the thoughtful ways you have spoken, and wrote a difficult topic.
Be you. And know, in your so called imperfections, you are perfect.

[ol****]

1 hour ago, JenniferTP said:

Thanks for your words. Yes i understand. I am trying self love, and this is what's pushing me more to accept myself, it is perhaps the first step there. And yes therapy sadly I cannot consider again. I am not hiding anything from myself besides my discontent on how I feel I should identify. I think once I work this bit, it'll be the start of a more positive road. 

ONLY if and when you feel ready try some 360 feedback.

If you try this get at least 10 opinions. You can find suitable sets of queations online. 

You need to answer the same questions. Then match your answers against the orher respondents.  It's not perfect but can provide insight. What you do with that is up to you.

[Ar****]

I would like to note that I don't mean to offend or trigger anybody. I am going to state my views on the topic and they might seem different but they are based on what I have experienced in my very short but stressful life of being a child of divorce, constant relocation and a very traditional community who loathe the very thought of divorce.

 

Jen I believe you are a great individual who is going through a rough time and feeling stressed from it. In similar situations, I have taken some days off, cleared my head and sat down to tackle my problems and get it over with. I hope you will be able to do the same. While I understand that my analogy might be lost on some people, most of the stress you are feeling has been built over a period of time. By cutting some of it out of the picture, you can actually reduce the size of the problem. I can tell by reading many posts here that are making excellent suggestions about what you should do that none of it is going to be as effective as it will be when you are collected and actively working on it. Lets consider  therapy as an example, you have to process your emotions and if you move in a confused daze, you will not be able to navigate the fog of emotions it brings forth.

 

I would suggest that you sit down and make a roadmap of what you should do to get yourself to better mental health and include everything you can in it. You mentioned you were feeling uncomfortable with your body and felt like you should lose weight so include morning and evening walks with your partner and/or childern. Enjoy the sunrise and sunset. You mentioned you felt uncomfortable with labels so keep in mind that labels were invented by us for us. If they cause you trouble then its okay to ignore them. You mentioned feeling uncomfortable about what people think and frankly most of them are strangers. The few you do care about might just be toxic individuals if they are okay with you suffering so much just to satisfy some weird inclination that they have.   

 

I am sure that you have faced similar situations before when you felt like your whole world was crashing down or changing be it before entering highschool, after highschool or having kids and you have successfully made it through. You will definitely come out on the top again so have some more confidence. 

 

I will say this that you have friends and family who support you and will continue to do so. You have often helped them out and it is their turn to help you out now. Rely on them. I promise it will bring you closer together.

 

Finally, I am sorry but I don't have all the answers. All I can give are ideas and tips on what I have done and yes I have dropped labels, cut out individuals from my life and relied on the people around me. It worked out for me and I hope that it works out for you.

 

[Je****]

3 hours ago, lil-monster said:

Oh gosh Jen my heart broke whilst reading this thread!!!! You my dear are stunningly beautiful inside and out, and such a lovely person who I've gotten to know on here and met in real life, I wish I could make all this inner turmoil go away for you!!! I know I can say don't care what others think but it is hard, I've been there myself plenty of times. 

I had this turmoil when I was going thru my twenties, I'd just got out of an abusive relationship and I was mentally messed up. It took me years to finally accept me for who I am and yes for years I thought I was fat and ugly because I'd had this drummed in to me by my abusive ex. It's only recently say like the last 5 years or so that I've finally accepted me for me, yes I have flaws and yes I'm not perfect ( no one is ) but I'm finally happy and I do believe in time you'll get there beaut.

 

I love feminine men and have been known to dress very tomboy myself, for years I wanted to be one of the lads who I use to dance with ( being an ex professional dancer all my friends were male dancers ) and for years this confused me. I always thought I was bi sexual until only recently again I was in turmoil because these feelings I had I knew weren't right, so only after chatting to my NB friend did they then say well have you ever thought you might be Pansexual!!? Do you find trans people attractive? I said yes!! Do you find NB people attractive? I said yes!!! So it finally all clicked in to place and I'd never felt so happy in all my life!!!!! It was like a light got turned on in my head. 

 

I really do believe you'll get there Jen ❤️ just keep on being you because you know what......??? You're a beautiful human being with a beautiful soul and energy about you. Sorry about my life story back there lol. ❤️❤️

This has been a tough long road for me to think about. It makes me feel so unsexy at times, with sexual stuff and I can get sensitive and a lot of it IS body confidence, but it cane also mix with the identity. I always felt ashamed and confused and never spoke about it to my partner til recently, but they understand and are a great support and listener. They encourage me to be me in whatever what I need to and they love the person and not the label. I need to believe in myself that this will apply to my own way of thinking. That I will love me with or without a label, or a gender applied. 

The mix of traumas can escalate the thinking but it's been there before that. The births of my *** and the lack of confidence also play a part but I also believe they are so repulsive to me because I havent grasped an understanding of where I stand and the "woman or female" label just doesn't fit me. I don't want to be known this way. I do want to frankenstein myself, but realistically, this isn't achieveable for me. I hope next year I can finally have the guts to be ME in the way I want to be. Adapt and identify, or lackthereof, what I feel I truely should. I hope I make sense. 

And yes as for the sexuality bit, I adore penis and foof owners alike. And no matter someone's identity if they spark the flame in my brain I'd happily try that idea. One day at a time though. Me first.

 

P.s I adore you, you're so beautiful. PsPs... dark corner, promise <3

[Je****]

3 hours ago, Feral_MountianKing said:

The struggles we all go through are so individualistic, so personal, so beautiful (to me). You are always so thoughtful and concise when discussing your thoughts and experiences. You have a lot of insight, and you are very self aware, more so than many.
Putting this out here, shows your ability to be *** and strong, it takes some degree of trust to do this. And for you a little bit of trust is a lot.
As your friend, I admire you for the thoughtful ways you have spoken, and wrote a difficult topic.
Be you. And know, in your so called imperfections, you are perfect.

Big hug and loves to you, thanks for the kindness <3

[Je****]

1 hour ago, Arcues said:

I would like to note that I don't mean to offend or trigger anybody. I am going to state my views on the topic and they might seem different but they are based on what I have experienced in my very short but stressful life of being a child of divorce, constant relocation and a very traditional community who loathe the very thought of divorce.

 

Jen I believe you are a great individual who is going through a rough time and feeling stressed from it. In similar situations, I have taken some days off, cleared my head and sat down to tackle my problems and get it over with. I hope you will be able to do the same. While I understand that my analogy might be lost on some people, most of the stress you are feeling has been built over a period of time. By cutting some of it out of the picture, you can actually reduce the size of the problem. I can tell by reading many posts here that are making excellent suggestions about what you should do that none of it is going to be as effective as it will be when you are collected and actively working on it. Lets consider  therapy as an example, you have to process your emotions and if you move in a confused daze, you will not be able to navigate the fog of emotions it brings forth.

 

I would suggest that you sit down and make a roadmap of what you should do to get yourself to better mental health and include everything you can in it. You mentioned you were feeling uncomfortable with your body and felt like you should lose weight so include morning and evening walks with your partner and/or childern. Enjoy the sunrise and sunset. You mentioned you felt uncomfortable with labels so keep in mind that labels were invented by us for us. If they cause you trouble then its okay to ignore them. You mentioned feeling uncomfortable about what people think and frankly most of them are strangers. The few you do care about might just be toxic individuals if they are okay with you suffering so much just to satisfy some weird inclination that they have.   

 

I am sure that you have faced similar situations before when you felt like your whole world was crashing down or changing be it before entering highschool, after highschool or having kids and you have successfully made it through. You will definitely come out on the top again so have some more confidence. 

 

I will say this that you have friends and family who support you and will continue to do so. You have often helped them out and it is their turn to help you out now. Rely on them. I promise it will bring you closer together.

 

Finally, I am sorry but I don't have all the answers. All I can give are ideas and tips on what I have done and yes I have dropped labels, cut out individuals from my life and relied on the people around me. It worked out for me and I hope that it works out for you.

 

I will get there. It's a long road for me. I just know that I don't want to be, I dont feel I fit, the "female" label. I cannot explain the attractions I have, the triggers I have or the longing I have but I know the longng to be me, express me and be at peace with me, is more dominant than anything else with me right now. Since posting this I have felt a great weight off, I know it was the right thing to do, the right step to take and over the next while I plan to change and alter me to the way I want me to be. No hold backs, no excuses. And to love me, without a label, without an assumed gender I am pressuring myself to accept. Talking in these forums for me is like a therapy in itself. Just reaching out, even if no one reads it, I've made it real. I've voiced it. 

Thanks for your input. I hope you have an amazing xmas and new year and that life is kind to you

[Deleted Member]

Seems to me that your view of your sexuality, who you are, how you define yourself is changing, growing & developing to be more fluid, that you don't feel one specific label fits & at the same time not wanting to be pigeon holed with one label & that can be tricky when it comes to websites as its always "pick one & tell us what you are" but having a fluid sexuality & view of yourself & doesn't often fit with tickboxes/drop down boxes.

We can start out on our sexual journey thinking this is me, this what I am, but over time things can influence, change & adapt that view & it can get confusing at times because we feel we have to conform, that we need to pick a box & tick it & that does seem to a degree what's troubling you, that notion that you have to be one thing, declare it on your profile & stick to that but that's the beauty of life & sexuality, that although convention wants us to be one thing & stick with it, we can be who & what we want on any given day & who we are today doesn't always mean we will be the same person tomorrow & often it is the person/people we interact with that forms who we are in the here & now.

Just live & enjoy being who you want to be & don't feel you have to conform to a norm or a standard, don't worry about what you put on your profile, it's irrelevant in this age, we don't need to be one thing, we don't need to tick boxes to make others happy, just be you, your personality & sexuality because at the end the day, if you are in a relationship & happy then selecting a label from a box on a site like this means nothing, just feel free, if you want, to change the "label" metaphorically everyday if that's what you want, no one else can tell you otherwise & just learn to be comfortable with yourself rather than making other comfortable with you as if they don't like or can't accept your fluidity & exploration of your lf then there's no point in caring what they think or what opinion they have of you, just do you.

[Je****]

14 minutes ago, BDSMkinkydom said:

Seems to me that your view of your sexuality, who you are, how you define yourself is changing, growing & developing to be more fluid, that you don't feel one specific label fits & at the same time not wanting to be pigeon holed with one label & that can be tricky when it comes to websites as its always "pick one & tell us what you are" but having a fluid sexuality & view of yourself & doesn't often fit with tickboxes/drop down boxes.

We can start out on our sexual journey thinking this is me, this what I am, but over time things can influence, change & adapt that view & it can get confusing at times because we feel we have to conform, that we need to pick a box & tick it & that does seem to a degree what's troubling you, that notion that you have to be one thing, declare it on your profile & stick to that but that's the beauty of life & sexuality, that although convention wants us to be one thing & stick with it, we can be who & what we want on any given day & who we are today doesn't always mean we will be the same person tomorrow & often it is the person/people we interact with that forms who we are in the here & now.

Just live & enjoy being who you want to be & don't feel you have to conform to a norm or a standard, don't worry about what you put on your profile, it's irrelevant in this age, we don't need to be one thing, we don't need to tick boxes to make others happy, just be you, your personality & sexuality because at the end the day, if you are in a relationship & happy then selecting a label from a box on a site like this means nothing, just feel free, if you want, to change the "label" metaphorically everyday if that's what you want, no one else can tell you otherwise & just learn to be comfortable with yourself rather than making other comfortable with you as if they don't like or can't accept your fluidity & exploration of your lf then there's no point in caring what they think or what opinion they have of you, just do you.

Thanks for your comment. 

 

Oh no don't get me wrong. I am a very sexual person when I want to be. I know EXACTLY what I want when it comes to sex. What I like and dislike. The only trouble I have is at times just 'asking' for a specific thing. This is the lack of confidence in me. 

I am also very flexible in what or who I find attractive but again, please don't be mistaken I know what in a person/s turns me on. What I find and need and want from attraction and what I most certainly do not find attractive. 

As for the profile... yes I worry about what I have on there and the possible questions or eyebrows raised simply because I have not spoke about this before, so some will be confused and shocked. I don't care what is on my profile, I know this doesn't define me, but for me to change it to reflect how I feel and what I want to display, I think it is a step in the right direction. It is not something I am obsessively worrying about though. If someone doesn't like my content or whatever, I wouldn't be shy in helping them leave.

But you are right. I do not want to have a label, but also knowing I don't quite fit one is frustrating. I haven't thought of the real world fluidity of it with identifying on forms and such and I am at a stage I would need to take this slow and get used to things. I mean, if I don't feel like a He or She and I dislike They/Them, then what else is there? This is more my every day real life worries but I know I won't be faced with those for quite some time. 

But I am enjoying learning, and experincing things on here, self discovery is helping just as much as its confusing at this moment but the table will balance in a positive favour, I hope.

[Wi****]

Hi jen.
I read your post with lots of interest as I could relate to quite a lot of the things you mentioned.
First I want to say how incredibly brave and courageous you were to firstly write and then post it on the forum 🤗🤗🤗

I really relate to your struggles with identifying who you are. I felt similar for a very long time struggling with why I liked wearing girls clothes, why I felt more comfortable in there company why I didn't like my male body sooo many other feelings and things I had questions about but couldn't work out. These feelings I had in my ***s if not younger. It's only these last 6-7years I've got to grips with it a bit there's still things I'm trying to work out. 

But in relation to you not knowing what you are if that's the right way to put is. What has helped me most is talking to to people on here and researching  into the different genders to give you ideas on why you may feel this way or that. I a have a few very special friends  who have been a massive help to me when I first joined fet and still are there knowledge of different genders and gender dysphoria and there guidance has truly helped a huge amount. It will be a long journey but with you being in a loving trusting dynamic and with very supportive friends I truly hope your journey to finding you will be enjoyable, enlightening and bring you lots of happiness. You are a very special, beautiful, kind caring and loving soul. 
Please if you have anything you want to ask me please please don't hesitate 🤗🤗🤗💖

[Phoenyx]

On 12/22/2021 at 8:15 AM, JenniferTP said:

How messed up must I be to envy a group of people who I am attracted to, yet trigger me?!?!

This actually a very common and natural thing.  You are seeing two different images at the same time---traits that attract you, and traits that you desire to have yourself.  You should first sort, which is which.  Most likely, the "triggers" come from the traits that you personally, wish that you had, or could express.  There is this inner feeling that you can't have such things.  You almost feel taunted, as if the other person is saying, "Look what I have, and you don't!"  In reality, you can have what you want---it just takes a little understanding of the ***s at-play.

To start, forget about society's "labels"!  I cannot emphasize that enough.  Labels and pronouns are nothing but politics, and they only serve to confuse and antagonize.  Society is not YOU!  Focus instead, on the traits and nuances that you wish to make your own.  The more of these traits that you adopt into your persona, the less you will be triggered, when you see them in others.  The Kink Scene is not about labels---it is about about the parts of your inner-self that you project.

Of course, there are those physical traits that will be forever out-of-reach---like height, skin-color, etc.  Hopefully, this is not the case.  More than likely, what you desire is in mannerisms, body language, style of dress, etc...   Focus on these, and work on adding them to your persona.  Forget society's question of "your place", or what "side" you're on.  You are on YOUR side!  Folks will accept you that way.

Well, I hope that this helps.

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

Thanks for your comment. I believe the lady above mentioned a counsellor also, but it simply is not for me. I am glutton for punishment, I will not speak to anyone professional anymore. 

Little background,

My last relationship pushed me into counselling where I sat and poured my heart out to a woman about how I felt insane and crazy after accusing my ex of cheating on me. I was told I was jealous and paranoid and it was 'all in my head'. I drove myself crazy to the point I threatened my own life. I sat and told the lady how I felt and how low my self esteem was. I felt crazy and I just had no will to be around in this world when I was mentally unstable enough to accuse the person who loved me of such things....

To then find out I was not infact crazy at all when he admitted I what he done. He gaslit me for months into believing I was insane, even through the attempt on my life and ending up in phyciatric therapy, he carried on until he seen how dead inside I was.

Once he admitted he was lying to me it all clicked into place, that I am not broken, that is what he was doing to me. That my self worth (even though is next to none), is still there because I won't let him take that away from me. (I was riddled with the thoughts about myself at this time too, you know how depression is) but now anything couselling and therapy wise brings me back to those thoughts and feelings of what I went through.

Imagine needing therapy to be able to reattend therapy haha. But yes, I simply cannot go there. Honestly I feel I am better off on my own working these things out, with my partner and with a select few close friends. But it will be some time before I manage to find resolution. I need to discover me and feel content with that.

 

I am SO sorry I gave my rambling life story. But nothing is ever easy for me haha x

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I understand why you wouldn’t want to see a counsellor again. I had secondary trauma as a result of seeing a bad counsellor which brought back flashbacks that I thought I’d got over, so I can empathise. It’s appalling that you were gaslit by the very person who should have been helping you. 
 

I hope the special people in your life tell you you are beautiful, whatever you are or feel, so often that you have no choice but to believe them ❤️
 

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

I get that feeling of child birth ruined your body, I’ve been through the emotional and mental ***. Always being told your fat, or ugly, all my friends getting the guy I liked. I spent way too many years in an emotional f*** storm and not the good kind, it was the use me and cheat on me all the time kind. You get to a point that you have to overcome what others have told you and build you. You must utilize your emotional supports, whether it’s family, friends, people you have met on here. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. I spent years never feeling good enough, anything I wore, wearing make up, the list goes on. You can message me anytime and I will do my best to help, whether it’s an ear to listen or trying to give feedback. I eventually found someone (a dom) who doesn’t allow me to talk negative about myself. 
 

I can’t exactly say much about trans or anything like that. I have people around me that are, but don’t really associate with them.

[Ki****]

Hey. I’m just seeing your post now. Sorry to hear you’ve been through all this and happy to hear you were so strong to get back on your feet. I come from a conservative background, so my comment may be controversial to many in the kink world. But I think it’s all because you have associated being a woman with all the bad things that have happened in your life. In your mind being a woman is the reason for becoming a victim. The truth is, while women are more in risk of being ***d and childbirth makes it even more difficult and complicated, it does happen to everyone. Men and certainly trans people get ***d too (saying this as a guy who had to face and evade *** situations from men and women as a child). So transitioning is not the right answer. Changing your mindset and getting stronger are. But with all the crap you’ve been through and the damage they’ve done, you need to rewire and reprogram your brain for that change to happen. I suggest psilocybin for increasing your neuroplasticity and rewiring your brain. Also, working out and taking self-defense classes to become stronger and know you can better protect yourself. Stay away from toxic people and habits. This is what I think. You’re beautiful and I wish you all the best. Good luck in your journey to become the best version of yourself. 🙏

[thatmauiguy]

Aloha jen,
I know nothing.
I dont presume to give advice.
Got no clue what has worked for me would work for you.
What i do know is when i started being the me that **i**Like, i find a greater capacity to disregard other peoples thoughts, opinions,
projections and most importantly expectations of what i **should** be. Hard as it was/is to let family, friends, people fall away because of THEIR lack of understanding, not mine.
That is what I have to do to be true to me. In that i get a great sense of well being that i am strong enough to shrug off the shame or ridicule other people would like/try to place on me. I can be the me *i* like without a name, a label, or box for any of it. Because who am I trying to define myself to? Myself.. Thats it.
If their judgement causes them to dismiss themselves from my life... Thats on them, their choice. The more of“them" that have fallen away the more peaceful my existence has become. "They" dont live in my head
and I DO live when i do it for me. ALL the time when i catch myself feeling insecure i just remind myself
FUCK THEIR JUDGEMENT!

then i have more time to think about the next and better me.
I know this is only one angle of your struggle. i hope theres something in it that you can use. Wish you well.
oh! PRRROPS! on the depth of self reflection.
As well the courage to put yourself out there and post some of YOU, 👇here.
Thankyou☀️
Im Johnny🤙