What I see when I look at me. (I'm sorry this may offend someone/everyone).

[Keil]

Jen I know that I am not a very diplomatic and blunt with the things that I say 

However you are one of the strongest most squared away people I have the honour to know (burrito needs 😁) you ,are your own entity how the world views you matters not , we don't fit to a given stereo type we get slotted into one ,worse were we live .Jen how you see ,feel about you or identify as 

Is you  . I see not a woman or man I see Jen who has one off the best hearts I know wrapped round a core of titanium

 

[al****]

It sounds very much like you know what you are but *** it and the consequences of identifying as it. You speak repeatedly confirming alignment with NB but again, repeat that in real life that it wouldn’t work because of background and environment. What if you tried out identifying internally as NB/androgynous for a week or a month. Not sharing it with those in your environment, just internally and see if it ‘fits’. It’s a very scary feeling but I think a more common one than we realise that others don’t know who or what they truly are. You can hate compliments about your body without wanting to change the gender of your body, that’s boundaries not transition (imo!), you don’t have to ‘appreciate’ or tolerate other people’s feelings on your body. It may be a transition period for you, where you’re going through finding who you are and no one label fits yet. No one label may ever fit you. You are who you are without them, and you are enough, exactly as you are

[Deleted Member]

I remember when you wrote this, I was in the hospital. I was extremely excited to watch what you will do, completely supportive of anything you would do. Understanding the feelings of who we are is a very personal thing. It’s a personal journey, discovery. And I applaud you. And just as we celebrate the friendship, and association we have, I appreciate all the soul (for lack of a better word) searching you have completed. Thank you for you thoughtfulness, and allowing us to view part of this journey with you. 

[4R****]

I'd not seen this post before now but I've just read the whole thread. I echo @Feral_MountainKing, thank you for sharing this part of your story. Life is a journey and we are now a year on and so I wonder where you are now compared to where you were when you wrote this? (Naturally I'm not asking you to answer that).

Edited December 30, 2022 by 4RCH

[Je****]

2 hours ago, 4RCH said:

I'd not seen this post before now but I've just read the whole thread. I echo @Feral_MountainKing, thank you for sharing this part of your story. Life is a journey and we are now a year on and so I wonder where you are now compared to where you were when you wrote this? (Naturally I'm not asking you to answer that).

I wish i had better news. 

I wish I had grown. 

Sadly my triggers are just repeatedly touched and setting me back. 

Just my broken brain. Il try again this time next year. 

Il need to take action if I'm not fixed by then. 

 

 

Thanks for the comments all. I appreciate them. Todays just not a good day. ❤️

[Charms]

I to don't like me. I have no self esteem or any self confidence at all.

 

Witch will shock people who intalk to on here and iv meet. 

 

I have been ***d in different ways since I was a child. No I want go into some of them . 

 

I was beaten up often by  my bf when I was 14 yet I didn't leave him. I was stupid I know.

 

I then meet a awesome guy when I was 15 we dated but things didn't work out. We were kids. He had things in his life he didn't tell me about. So we split up. For those short months I was actually happy. I know because I had freinds I was out having fun

 

Then I meet the guy at 17 I thought I'd be with for ever. He ended up being nasty. He to asulted me. I ended up back at my parents. He was great till we got our own place . I'd not even been left 2 years an 21 I'm.back home.

 

I then meet the guy I married. I gave him everything I was the proper wife. We even attended church. Then I fount out he was on swingers websites an dating Web sites.

I always did everything he wanted.  He brought my clothes, he picked what I wore each day. I ate what he said. We went were he said.

 

Then when I grew a bit of a back bone an started going out I got the mental ***d.  The your fat an ugly an disabled no 1 will want you . Plus other things. He blackmailed me with things he knew about me so I stayed

 My life's 1 fucked up story 

 I'm telling u people this because I to look at myself an hate what I see. Mines because of all the shit iv put up with.

 

I wear masks when I see different people I act  how others around me act. I don't hate my gender. Iv never wanted to be a male. I'm just female an that's what I am. Do I like being female. I guess so.

I hate my body due to medical problems.  My body's scrwed. My Dr's put it in more polite an better terms .

 

I look at myself in the mirror an I feel physically sick. I here certan songs on the radio an I get flash backs to my past I hate my memory's an my mind.

 

So to me the reason I hate me is  medical an people who have hurt me. I wonder if that's why jen feels the way she does.

 

Iv meet jen a few times.  She's amazing.  She gives awesome hugs an I get lip stick kisses. I look at her an think I want her confidence.  But we do not know what is going on in a person's head. Till I read Jens post I didn't think she felt like me in a way .

 

There are a few people in my life who have filled it with colour an love an joy. A few people on here who I class as my family. They know who they are. People I talk to daily who support me.

 

I have my amazing master who as had to learn me about being free . Iv never felt more free than I do since iv been with him.  Being so free scared me made my anxiety bad. I need rules I can cope with rules.  

 

Maybe some of us are programed that we can only live our lives if we're told what to do an I don't mean kink or total power play.

 

My master as the hardest job ever. Not as a master I follow his rules easy. But the vanila me he as to deal with it. He as a heart of gold. Iv screamed at him an swore at him. An he still looks at me an tells me I'm the perfect 1 4 him.

 

Maybe some of us are just so messed up we don't know how 2 cope. I'm 1 of them.

 

This is wierd I don't open up. I blame being up 31 hours

[Je****]

11 minutes ago, Charms said:

There are a few people in my life who have filled it with colour an love an joy. A few people on here who I class as my family. They know who they are. People I talk to daily who support me.

I feel this way too. 

I know i have good people in my life. 

But i know a lot of my demons are mine to over come. I cannot blame anyone but myself for holding on the experiences i was put through. 

 

I will learn to overcome them. I do feel broken. In body mind and spirit and confidence is the one thing i wish i did have. 

I see compliments and i hate them. Because i dont believe them. I dont think that person is lying, but ive little faith and confidence in myself to take things as gospel. For me i cannot find truth in what i hear until i believe it myself. 

Thats the hurdle i know i will overcome, but have daily struggles with. Im still here. Still trying. I won't give up but the ride hasnt been easy. Nor is it going to be until i do a complete mental retune. 

I still have my triggers with certain types. This is all to do with my dysphoria. My self confidence. 

Il be working hard on myself next year and trying to dissolve all my self doubt and worries. Il keep the Family by *** and nature, close and try to stay positive. 

Its all i can do. 

 

 

Youre a wonderful woman charms and im glad to know you. Youve been through a lot also. And its not been easy, but here you are. Still strong ❤️

[Charms]

5 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

I feel this way too. 

I know i have good people in my life. 

But i know a lot of my demons are mine to over come. I cannot blame anyone but myself for holding on the experiences i was put through. 

 

I will learn to overcome them. I do feel broken. In body mind and spirit and confidence is the one thing i wish i did have. 

I see compliments and i hate them. Because i dont believe them. I dont think that person is lying, but ive little faith and confidence in myself to take things as gospel. For me i cannot find truth in what i hear until i believe it myself. 

Thats the hurdle i know i will overcome, but have daily struggles with. Im still here. Still trying. I won't give up but the ride hasnt been easy. Nor is it going to be until i do a complete mental retune. 

I still have my triggers with certain types. This is all to do with my dysphoria. My self confidence. 

Il be working hard on myself next year and trying to dissolve all my self doubt and worries. Il keep the Family by *** and nature, close and try to stay positive. 

Its all i can do. 

 

 

Youre a wonderful woman charms and im glad to know you. Youve been through a lot also. And its not been easy, but here you are. Still strong ❤️

Ty my dear freind jen for your kind words. I wish I could wave a magic wand an make you better. We both got scars from.battles we have had. We wear armour on the outside but under neath we're crumbling

 

U do give amazing hugs ty .

 

I hate my body but not for the reasons you do. I hate it because of medical problems I have *** that bad that some days I carnt wear clothes. Snuggles are amazing for ***. 

 

I know u and I don't belive it but were stronger than we think we are.

 

U got this my little sausage 

[Erebus]

First off Jen know that you are loved by your friends no matter what you finally want or don’t want to be known as or not as the case my be… All that matters is you know that those who know you and those who care about you like your the person who’s stood by your side for the past two years are here for you always! As you’ve been here for us countless times. Whatever you decide, you will always be my friend! Now for the not so easy part… While I can never really relate to what you are going through right now… I can put it in terms similar to what I went through while I was working out who and what I wanted to be…. For years I punished myself for wanting to be a sadist, I was raised in the belief you should never hit a woman and for years I struggled to truly find myself, my place within the community, but after much soul searching and talking to others I realised that there are two souls (on the whole) involved in a dynamic and if the other person didn’t want to be there they would leave! We are raised with old fashioned and preconceived ideas of what we should be and for the majority that conforming to those ideas is normal to them, for the rest of us it is a struggle to come to terms with what we strive to be, it’s not an easy path and can often be a long path for some but while you are on your journey all you have to do is remember one thing! You are loved for exactly who you’ve shown yourself to be in this post! Someone who’s caring loving and wears their heart on their sleeve! I’m not sure my words have helped you on your path to peace of mind, but they are spoken with a genuine wish that the path is short and you find your inner peace and happiness!