More to bdsm than dom or sub

[Ce****]

One of the things that bothers me most about this site and many others is the implicit assumption that all people who have an interest in domination/ submission when there are many other aspects to bdsm. Not all kink requires the mental mindset and power exchange of d/s roles.

Usually I am willing to just let it slide a bit but I noticed the new bdsm personality test offered here and again you had to be either dom or sub. There is no “dos not apply” option.

Just a bit of a rant.

Thanks for listening

[Deleted Member]

I ended up abandoning the test because there was not a option for “does not apply” for the subsequent sections.

[Deleted Member]

Yes... I did the test and I found the questions/answers quite limited in scope.

[Deleted Member]

I absolutely agree. Lots of kinks out here.

[TheBookCollector]

People forget about S&M Tops and Bottoms where there is no Power exhchange aspect just good old kinky fun by two co senting adults.

[Matttster]

I have not taken the test, I assumed it would be similar to the other common bdsm test out there, which I have taken and had totally different results a couple days apart based on how I was feeling at the time.

I understand the concern and totally agree that there is much more to BDSM/kink than Dom/sub. But I also think that most that have been around BDSM a little while, or those that take the time to actually research it understand that.

I think the tests are a method to get some gauge as to what your interests may be. And in this case could provide others (if both parties are looking for partners) an idea as to what some of your kinks may be. So it can be used as a general guideline as to someone’s general taste in kinks.

Although I understand the rant and don’t totally agree with it, I love that it is out there because it may help some people new to the scene understand that kink is not black and white rather has many variations (not 50!).

[Deleted Member]

Hear this loudly! As someone who has no real interest in either, I find it frustrating too!

[yourregularescape]

This !!! You are absolutely correct, it’s nothing other than a black and white moronic statement without any subtly. I don’t understand the need to put people in boxes… everyone is unique.

[Puppy6411]

If someone wants to be tied up, and finds a partner to tie them how they want; are they dominant or submissive? Does it even matter, so long as both enjoy the experience?
Labels at the end of the day

[Carnelian2]

Actually, I find the test ok for what it is. It gives an indication of what side of the spectrum you are at. I was 100% Domination (as a rigger) and 63% submissive as I do like to give control to Dominant women provided we connect. 
I don't even look at the results as labels but indications on a spectrum.
There are other, more comprehensive, tests out there ..

[bi****]

Yeah, it annoyed me. I got half way through and ignored most of them - and now its on my profile. I didn't see how to remove it, i'll have another look. I suppose as a "quick and dirty" indicator it has some merit, but not much.

[Carnelian2]

1 hour ago, bittenkiss said:

Yeah, it annoyed me. I got half way through and ignored most of them - and now its on my profile. I didn't see how to remove it, i'll have another look. I suppose as a "quick and dirty" indicator it has some merit, but not much.

If you are on a browser, you can remove it from your profile. There is a little slider in the top left corner

Edited December 29, 2021 by Carnelian2
spelling mistake

[Digy505]

I think human mind is more complex than just that, but the test is a good ice break to start conversation, personally I think that the kink guys are the one more aware af their feeling, and they know what they want, sub are as self determinate as the master, and gin the trust of a sub, require time and dedication, I like this word because is above the false social appearance, I like to know persons in deep, bdsm is an instrument to reach more intimacy, I define my self switch, because I consider my self at the same level of my partner dominate and be dominate is just an energy exchange, that give more spiritual awareness at both parties.

[Matttster]

So I just tried the test and was not overly impressed. I had assumed it would be like the other online bdsm tests (and possibly improved). But I do not know that it would be very insightful for people.

To start, is very limited in scope. Additionally it does not allow a “does not apply” option. So if you were not at all into restraint, you cannot say that, you are either a rigger or bunny.

[Wo****]

15 minutes ago, Matttster said:

So I just tried the test and was not overly impressed. I had assumed it would be like the other online bdsm tests (and possibly improved). But I do not know that it would be very insightful for people.

To start, is very limited in scope. Additionally it does not allow a “does not apply” option. So if you were not at all into restraint, you cannot say that, you are either a rigger or bunny.

I found that you can skip an answer but agree it's not a very comprehensive test. The options were a bit limited, imo.

[Matttster]

I retook it and realized there was a “skip” at the bottom.

[Je****]

On 12/29/2021 at 2:23 AM, Cee-gee said:

One of the things that bothers me most about this site and many others is the implicit assumption that all people who have an interest in domination/ submission when there are many other aspects to bdsm. Not all kink requires the mental mindset and power exchange of d/s roles.

Usually I am willing to just let it slide a bit but I noticed the new bdsm personality test offered here and again you had to be either dom or sub. There is no “dos not apply” option.

Just a bit of a rant.

Thanks for listening

I put a post up a while back about exactly this and I have repeatedly stressed that you do NOT need to have a Sub or Dom role to be on here!!!! Yet most of the time I have been laughed at or eye rolled for mentioning it...

This is why we have so many fakes/wannabes and just people putting themselves in danger... because they THINK they need to have one of these roles to belong on here. The new BDSM test again does enable this thought process to continue. I am not a Sub or a Dom and I have no intention of taking it. I am just a kinkster whos exploring and that's it. 

[es****]

1 minute ago, Finally_Jen said:

I put a post up a while back about exactly this and I have repeatedly stressed that you do NOT need to have a Sub or Dom role to be on here!!!! Yet most of the time I have been laughed at or eye rolled for mentioning it...

This is why we have so many fakes/wannabes and just people putting themselves in danger... because they THINK they need to have one of these roles to belong on here. The new BDSM test again does enable this thought process to continue. I am not a Sub or a Dom and I have no intention of taking it. I am just a kinkster whos exploring and that's it. 

Maybe that’s what I am

[Matttster]

23 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

I put a post up a while back about exactly this and I have repeatedly stressed that you do NOT need to have a Sub or Dom role to be on here!!!! Yet most of the time I have been laughed at or eye rolled for mentioning it...

This is why we have so many fakes/wannabes and just people putting themselves in danger... because they THINK they need to have one of these roles to belong on here. The new BDSM test again does enable this thought process to continue. I am not a Sub or a Dom and I have no intention of taking it. I am just a kinkster whos exploring and that's it. 

As you explore kink, do you prefer to be the one tying/paddling/etc or the one being tied/paddled/etc? I think in kink, there tends to typically be a top and a bottom in “activities”.

Definitions for many kink terms are vague and people tend to have their own view of the terms. I feel that many view dom and sub as I would view top and bottom.

I understand that many are switches as well, but most seem to grasp that.

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, Matttster said:

As you explore kink, do you prefer to be the one tying/paddling/etc or the one being tied/paddled/etc? I think in kink, there tends to typically be a top and a bottom in “activities”.

Definitions for many kink terms are vague and people tend to have their own view of the terms. I feel that many view dom and sub as I would view top and bottom.

I understand that many are switches as well, but most seem to grasp that.

I definately Switch with activities for me, but I don't call myself a Domme, or a Submissive. 

Also kink activities for me is like dressing up, voyeurism, playing with materials, hedonsitic stuff.. I like to take control in bed at times but this also doesn't make me a Domme. Topping can be a word, but again, it is a different title or role to being someone's Dominant. 

I find a lot of '18yr old Daddy Dom's' come on here, stating "18yr old Daddy Dom, new to the lifestyle looking for a Slave". Now.... How does that work for you?

They're very young for a start.

Barely any time for research or experience... they are calling themselves a Dominant which is more than likely a false representation of themselves and looking for a Slave. Do they know the deinfinition of a Slave? Do they know what it takes to take someone on like that, and safely?

Same with someone whos possibly a 50yr old Slave, from a completey vanilla background, been in this lifestyle for a day.. They do not know what they're signing up for. They don't know what it entails or how to look after themselves. They just assume a title over themselves and dive in upon joining here, simply because they think 'BDSM' requires it. 

I seen a profile yesterday. A 22yr old Trans Slave (identifying as male in every day life), the profile says "totally new to this, will try everything and "absolutely no limits". 

Now that was enough to make my skin crawl. I felt like messaging and asking why they assume they're a slave, why they joined with that title and the fact they have "no limits" is just a complete red flag they have no idea what they're doing and opening themselves to danger or they're dangerous themselves...

 

Now thats going right off topic... but point is, they have all joined under the asusmption they need a role when they see 'BDSM', but they have no idea what it actually means. This is my point for titles or roles.

But each to their own. You soon recognise the profiles that have just thrown a title on there, simply by reading (which is lost on a lot of people here tbh).

[Matttster]

1 hour ago, Finally_Jen said:

I definately Switch with activities for me, but I don't call myself a Domme, or a Submissive. 

Also kink activities for me is like dressing up, voyeurism, playing with materials, hedonsitic stuff.. I like to take control in bed at times but this also doesn't make me a Domme. Topping can be a word, but again, it is a different title or role to being someone's Dominant. 

I find a lot of '18yr old Daddy Dom's' come on here, stating "18yr old Daddy Dom, new to the lifestyle looking for a Slave". Now.... How does that work for you?

They're very young for a start.

Barely any time for research or experience... they are calling themselves a Dominant which is more than likely a false representation of themselves and looking for a Slave. Do they know the deinfinition of a Slave? Do they know what it takes to take someone on like that, and safely?

Same with someone whos possibly a 50yr old Slave, from a completey vanilla background, been in this lifestyle for a day.. They do not know what they're signing up for. They don't know what it entails or how to look after themselves. They just assume a title over themselves and dive in upon joining here, simply because they think 'BDSM' requires it. 

I seen a profile yesterday. A 22yr old Trans Slave (identifying as male in every day life), the profile says "totally new to this, will try everything and "absolutely no limits". 

Now that was enough to make my skin crawl. I felt like messaging and asking why they assume they're a slave, why they joined with that title and the fact they have "no limits" is just a complete red flag they have no idea what they're doing and opening themselves to danger or they're dangerous themselves...

 

Now thats going right off topic... but point is, they have all joined under the asusmption they need a role when they see 'BDSM', but they have no idea what it actually means. This is my point for titles or roles.

But each to their own. You soon recognise the profiles that have just thrown a title on there, simply by reading (which is lost on a lot of people here tbh).

In general I agree with you, but as we meet people it is nice to provide some semblance of our general “role”. I guess I don’t see Topping as a “role” which is why I like using it, but as has been noted there are different “definitions” for many kink definitions.

Regarding people defining themselves with little experience or not grasping what the title may mean, I totally agree. Some scare me such as the ones that say they are new to the scene and willing to try anything. And some make me giggle like the 18 year old “very experienced” mistress looking for submissive.

[Ceejayuk]

 

On 12/31/2021 at 3:11 PM, Finally_Jen said:

Now thats going right off topic... but point is, they have all joined under the asusmption they need a role when they see 'BDSM', but they have no idea what it actually means. This is my point for titles or roles.

But each to their own. You soon recognise the profiles that have just thrown a title on there, simply by reading (which is lost on a lot of people here tbh).

This, I have had this conversation a few times, partiular with people just coming onto the scene and ask me advice on what label to put on themselves (not that I would call myself an expert or anything), sometimes getting themselves quite worked up over it.  I often say you do not have to put so much emphasis on the label, or even use one when around people. Though they can be a quick way for people to get a rough idea about your views on the scene, however there is nothing to state anyone has to stick to those views or only live a certain way. Its just more of a quick guide so to speak and can be totally fluid and changed at any point. They do not need to worry about the label as such.

Though obviously there are those who know exactly what they want and how they want to live.