Lies and deceptions

[Deleted Member]

Recently, I was asked if I mind if someone I was pursuing for a dynamic had a ongoing current committed relationship.
One of the first things I ask someone, if I’m about to pursue is “are they in a committed relationship”. As I have played with people in the past and found out that they had lied, and I was reached out to by their partner and was asked to stop. (I didn’t know this person existed)
I have no intention of breaking up a relationship, I value commitment, and even an open relationship has limitations for me.
So why lie? Are they embarrassed to be flirting? Are they trying to deceive me into some false hope? Do they get their jollies off of wasting peoples time?
.
I am single looking for other single people.
.
Please don’t lie about your relationship status.

[Dustykat]

I don’t understand why someone would be this hurtful towards others, they don’t understand how it hurts to be lied to and it’s not cool. It is very important to be honest in a relationship specially in a bdsm relationship, where trust is so important 🧚🏻‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, Dustykat said:

I don’t understand why someone would be this hurtful towards others, they don’t understand how it hurts to be lied to and it’s not cool. It is very important to be honest in a relationship specially in a bdsm relationship, where trust is so important 🧚🏻‍♀️

I agree. All I can say is the same thing I say in life and while climbing. 
.
if you fall, because you certainly will fall, brush yourself off, look at where you are, look at the route you’ve chosen, mend the scratches.  And start climbing again. Never give up. You will eventually get to the top. Living is a risk worth taking. 

[Mo****]

Trust and Honesty are so important, but having said that, there are a lot of people in empty relationships and for financial reasons, or kids, they don't confront their partners with the truth of what is happening in their lives, so they cheat, hoping to find some fulfilment.  They don't consider the consequences of these actions and the hurt involved. 

So not only are they lying to their partners but also to the people they hook up with. This sort of lack of Integrity is not a good base to build a relationship on.

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, MossyBoy said:

Trust and Honesty are so important, but having said that, there are a lot of people in empty relationships and for financial reasons, or kids, they don't confront their partners with the truth of what is happening in their lives, so they cheat, hoping to find some fulfilment.  They don't consider the consequences of these actions and the hurt involved. 

So not only are they lying to their partners but also to the people they hook up with. This sort of lack of Integrity is not a good base to build a relationship on.

I totally agree, and in the past that is what I had ran into. 

Relationships or dynamics are not instantaneous for me and they take time to flourish into something. 
I believe that a strong foundation for a relationship to survive is based on several fundamental principles, trust, honesty, hope, kindness, Courtesy, laughter, attraction (not just the physical kind), being helpful. I also firmly believe that these principles don’t have to be perfect in sink at the very beginning, but each one should start to be present shortly after, and are able to grow through time. 
.
This all based on the perfect situation. And that never happens. So I think sometimes we over look one or two flags.. but trust…..trust and honesty, as you pointed out, should never be lacking. It can grow slowly from the beginning, but deceptive behavior at the beginning is indicative of deception that can happen again. 
So turning a potentially bad experience into a positive one, learning from mistakes, learning to recognize more red flags, this is growth for me as a person. 

[Mo****]

7 minutes ago, Feral_MountianKing said:

I totally agree, and in the past that is what I had ran into. 

Relationships or dynamics are not instantaneous for me and they take time to flourish into something. 
I believe that a strong foundation for a relationship to survive is based on several fundamental principles, trust, honesty, hope, kindness, Courtesy, laughter, attraction (not just the physical kind), being helpful. I also firmly believe that these principles don’t have to be perfect in sink at the very beginning, but each one should start to be present shortly after, and are able to grow through time. 
.
This all based on the perfect situation. And that never happens. So I think sometimes we over look one or two flags.. but trust…..trust and honesty, as you pointed out, should never be lacking. It can grow slowly from the beginning, but deceptive behavior at the beginning is indicative of deception that can happen again. 
So turning a potentially bad experience into a positive one, learning from mistakes, learning to recognize more red flags, this is growth for me as a person. 

It should not matter whether it is this kinky life or life in general, Honest, Open Communication is essential for a lasting relationship. In this life we, as dominants try to get inside the heads of our subs, and we keep going until we understand them as well as they understand themselves. We don't let them hide anything from us because of the necessity to be that open. And this is called growth. Growth is an essential. Far too many hide shit from their partners in the vanilla life and think they can do the same here. 

[Deleted Member]

50 minutes ago, MossyBoy said:

It should not matter whether it is this kinky life or life in general, Honest, Open Communication is essential for a lasting relationship. In this life we, as dominants try to get inside the heads of our subs, and we keep going until we understand them as well as they understand themselves. We don't let them hide anything from us because of the necessity to be that open. And this is called growth. Growth is an essential. Far too many hide shit from their partners in the vanilla life and think they can do the same here. 

I think both sides share a responsibility to understand the other person as well as themselves. The submissive knowing what the dominant wants and needs and dominant knowing what the submissive wants and needs. Ying and Yang. (“Opposite or contrary ***s may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.”)
.
Both parties not only having open communication, but also both being responsible to provide a safe and comfortable atmosphere to allow that open and free dialogue.
.
Does that mean that the dominant (I’ll probably get a ton of flack here) humbles themselves and comes to the communication table contrite and as a learner? Absolutely.
Does this mean that the submissive can come to this table empowered to engage in this dialogue as well? Yes 100%
Communication should not be.. hey, I’m the boss, you do what I say. Or please tell Me everything I need to do… That has its place and it’s time.
Building a relationship of trust requires there be a place set aside for voices to be heard as equals.
A dominant requires a submissive in Order to be a dominant. And vice versa..
In my mind, relationships are very similar.

[Deleted Member]

People lie about this so often it's the first question I ask now. No matter what their profile status, I check. I've been burnt too many times. I'm not excusing the lying and it shouldn't be up to us to ask - but that's the way of it.

[Je****]

On 1/4/2022 at 1:30 PM, Feral_MountianKing said:

Recently, I was asked if I mind if someone I was pursuing for a dynamic had a ongoing current committed relationship.
 

I am SO glad you decided to open up about this, even though it's shitty that it happened to you, it's still good to get off your chest. Now I am gonna sound like a bitch here so....

 

This 'quote' that you were asked if you minded..... Does this mean you found out from someone else that the person you were persuing had a partner, or did you find out from that persons partner or...?

Because it is shitty enough as it is as I said, but to maybe find out from someone unrelated to the situation who was aware of the circumstances from afar, yet you who was getting close wasn't?! I'm sorry but what an absolute tramp if that's the case. And I am sorry you faced what you did. I HATE liars. 

There is no shame especially within this community in having another partner and yet reaching out for more. Heck I am trying it, and as alien as it is for me, I make sure my partner knows if or when I am trying something or thinking about it, because it is the right respectful thing to do!!!!

Also, that being said, if I were to approach someone one of the first things I do or say is "I have a partner, I seek another for a seperate relationship". That person then has an informed choice of 'I'm okay with that' or 'Oh, I prefer a mono thing but thanks for your time', or whatever. 

Now that is what a decent human being does. I know many on here who have FWB or open relationships and poly relationships. They work and are respectable because there is honesty and transparency. Someone who can lie about such an important detail, in my opinion is very fucking low. Especially if they knew it would come out and cause *** to someone, if they knew that you don't date involved people or they just wanted to have their end off without consideration for you or their partner. 

On the other end of things, imagine you are someone's partner. And you hear from someone or find out that they were approaching people (which they're probably allowed to do) and yet don't even think to mention you as a partner?! I personally would see that person as shady, untrustworthy and feel like they are ashamed of me for not disclosing me to someone else. It is not a nice situation to be in for either you or the partner... All because one person couldn't be honest. It's sad but it happens. I think now you know, you can avoid or keep that person at a length. I would to be honest.

(Now this is me assuming a fucking lot, but I am putting myself in THEIR shoes and thinking, 'Why would I do this as a person besides to be cruel'. That's what I come up with. This community is all about trust honesty and acceptance. Why didn't that person (and this isn't just limited to you and what you went through) just be honest?! I don't understand it, I don't understand liars and cheats either. Rant over). 

 

You are a wonderful guy and I am proud to call you my friend. I think very highly of you and I have seen how you interact with men and women alike. You are always kind and respectable. We need more people like you! But now you know and you can move on to the next journey that awaits you, and hopefully it'll not involve messed up dishonesty xxxx

[Carnelian2]

What you are willing to enter into depends on what you are looking for.
I would be looking for something that could eventually turn into a long-term committed relationship, so would want to know if the partner was in a relationship she had no intention of ending.
Simply because then it would not be beneficial for either of us.

[Deleted Member]

59 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

I am SO glad you decided to open up about this, even though it's shitty that it happened to you, it's still good to get off your chest. Now I am gonna sound like a bitch here so....

 

This 'quote' that you were asked if you minded..... Does this mean you found out from someone else that the person you were persuing had a partner, or did you find out from that persons partner or...?

Because it is shitty enough as it is as I said, but to maybe find out from someone unrelated to the situation who was aware of the circumstances from afar, yet you who was getting close wasn't?! I'm sorry but what an absolute tramp if that's the case. And I am sorry you faced what you did. I HATE liars. 

There is no shame especially within this community in having another partner and yet reaching out for more. Heck I am trying it, and as alien as it is for me, I make sure my partner knows if or when I am trying something or thinking about it, because it is the right respectful thing to do!!!!

Also, that being said, if I were to approach someone one of the first things I do or say is "I have a partner, I seek another for a seperate relationship". That person then has an informed choice of 'I'm okay with that' or 'Oh, I prefer a mono thing but thanks for your time', or whatever. 

Now that is what a decent human being does. I know many on here who have FWB or open relationships and poly relationships. They work and are respectable because there is honesty and transparency. Someone who can lie about such an important detail, in my opinion is very fucking low. Especially if they knew it would come out and cause *** to someone, if they knew that you don't date involved people or they just wanted to have their end off without consideration for you or their partner. 

On the other end of things, imagine you are someone's partner. And you hear from someone or find out that they were approaching people (which they're probably allowed to do) and yet don't even think to mention you as a partner?! I personally would see that person as shady, untrustworthy and feel like they are ashamed of me for not disclosing me to someone else. It is not a nice situation to be in for either you or the partner... All because one person couldn't be honest. It's sad but it happens. I think now you know, you can avoid or keep that person at a length. I would to be honest.

(Now this is me assuming a fucking lot, but I am putting myself in THEIR shoes and thinking, 'Why would I do this as a person besides to be cruel'. That's what I come up with. This community is all about trust honesty and acceptance. Why didn't that person (and this isn't just limited to you and what you went through) just be honest?! I don't understand it, I don't understand liars and cheats either. Rant over). 

 

You are a wonderful guy and I am proud to call you my friend. I think very highly of you and I have seen how you interact with men and women alike. You are always kind and respectable. We need more people like you! But now you know and you can move on to the next journey that awaits you, and hopefully it'll not involve messed up dishonesty xxxx

So, first off, you fucking rock!!!
In this situation, I was told by the person of their true situation (I don’t know if it’s true I just have it on their now non-trustable word and I don’t care to verify anymore) a week after asking and making it clear and going into a lot of detail the reasons why I asked about the “committed relationship.”
So to this persons “credit(???)” they came clean relatively early. But it still forms many questions in my mind, why be dishonest to start with, and I’m sure in their mind they can justify it, I just choose not to accept any justification that creates a lie, and a lie about something so intrinsic to that persons life. It’s like you want to hide something.. and to be a little prideful and boastful, I’m fucking awesome, why the fuck would you want to hide me.
I learned from my early kink experiences, that if there were other people involved I would need a different mindset, a different approach. In the past, I have had an unknown husband and unknown boyfriend confront me, threaten me, (irony here being for the same woman a few days apart, hey can I choose them or can I choose them) and that’s the reason I ask at the very beginning of any committed entanglements.

I just ask that people be open and honest about that one thing at the very beginning. If you have commitments to others, even if you have an open relationship, just be honest about them, and a lot less people end up hurt.
Lastly, you rock jen!!! Xx ❤️

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Dragonflylover said:

People lie about this so often it's the first question I ask now. No matter what their profile status, I check. I've been burnt too many times. I'm not excusing the lying and it shouldn't be up to us to ask - but that's the way of it.

But once you do ask, you should get a truthful response! And if you find out later that you didn’t..
Bye Felicia.

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, Feral_MountianKing said:

But once you do ask, you should get a truthful response! And if you find out later that you didn’t..
Bye Felicia.

I have found with a few men that they prevaricate a little when asked "it's complicated" etc. That's usually a sign that they're not being truthful. And it shouldn't be up to us to then further quiz, but I've learnt that I have to. I have to ask more questions otherwise i end up catching feels and then finding out the person isn't available. So I now have a number of questions I ask at the start of a chat. And if the man isn't happy about that - well that answers one of them!

[Je****]

6 minutes ago, Feral_MountianKing said:

So, first off, you fucking rock!!!
In this situation, I was told by the person of their true situation (I don’t know if it’s true I just have it on their now non-trustable word and I don’t care to verify anymore) a week after asking and making it clear and going into a lot of detail the reasons why I asked about the “committed relationship.”
So to this persons “credit(???)” they came clean relatively early. But it still forms many questions in my mind, why be dishonest to start with, and I’m sure in their mind they can justify it, I just choose not to accept any justification that creates a lie, and a lie about something so intrinsic to that persons life. It’s like you want to hide something.. and to be a little prideful and boastful, I’m fucking awesome, why the fuck would you want to hide me.
I learned from my early kink experiences, that if there were other people involved I would need a different mindset, a different approach. In the past, I have had an unknown husband and unknown boyfriend confront me, threaten me, (irony here being for the same woman a few days apart, hey can I choose them or can I choose them) and that’s the reason I ask at the very beginning of any committed entanglements.

I just ask that people be open and honest about that one thing at the very beginning. If you have commitments to others, even if you have an open relationship, just be honest about them, and a lot less people end up hurt.
Lastly, you rock jen!!! Xx ❤️

Yeah, there is no excuse for it besides they're shady or don't actually respect their partner. It's deceit and I in no way glorify that. In the bin. Disrespectful and they are lucky you are even giving them any credit, I wouldn't.  

 

Exactly if someone is dating ya, you want to know they are proud and happy to show you off, not conceal any association. And to just open up on a lie a week later, what's that gonna achieve, besides exposing their shitty behaviour? Lucky escape. 

You're better off and free to chase more promising avenues. <3

[Nylon-Nellie]

How did the partner find out about you? Not unless you don't mind being the third wheel in a relationship? Men and women have their reasons for hiding their relationships, maybe those that are in a committed relationship can tell us why they find it acceptable to lie?

It has happened to me in the past, called him out about him wearing a wedding ring that we was wearing in a photo, he gave me his reason and then I showed him the door.

[Deleted Member]

22 minutes ago, Nylon-Nellie said:

How did the partner find out about you? Not unless you don't mind being the third wheel in a relationship? Men and women have their reasons for hiding their relationships, maybe those that are in a committed relationship can tell us why they find it acceptable to lie?

It has happened to me in the past, called him out about him wearing a wedding ring that we was wearing in a photo, he gave me his reason and then I showed him the door.

In the case of the partner finding out about me (it happened years ago) i was texting and he picked up her phone. And messaged me.. “please leave my wife alone this is her husband” she had kept that knowledge from me. And I was naive about things. She would wake up super late, though I knew she worked out early, we would meet in the middle of the day, her excuse, her kids were at school and it was the only time she had to meet. The kids never went and spent time with their father. (Cause they weren’t separated like she said)
Once I found out.. all the weird little things made sense.
It’s not acceptable to lie. It’s not a question of “does this dress make me look fat?” Which the answer is subjective… It’s “who are you involved with?” Which answer is not subjection.

[sm****]

Sadly this is not new, it's been around probably even before the advent of the tinternet, more so now people get caught out as you can't completely hide your activities, especially once you start out on the social and more visible aspects of the scene.

What people try and avoid or just don't want to understand is the core principles/values of the BDSM/Kink scene "trust, honest and open communication"

In the past, yes I won't say it never went on, but as it was such a closed, closer community it was harder to hide as you had to actually be known over time and trusted, this and tbh it was next to impossible to find or get invited to meet people outside your local area.   Things have gone globally over the past few decades. 

I see people pop online looking for a quick kinky hookup and not caring a hoot about the carnage they will eventually cause or damage mentally/emotionally to the innocent party.

It's not just one sex or dynamic that does this, iv'e seen Male Doms lie to get someone in to bed or play the field,  iv'e seen female and male subs not caring that their future or new partner is married or in a relationship and that they have what they want now as a quick fix.

Liars will always be found out but sadly this is usually over time by then the damage is done.

If the person with a partner is frank and open before any serious discussion takes place, then it's up to their own moral compass what transpire's.  I won't *** my own moral compass on to these people, we are adults not school playgrounds.  Make adult decisions take adult responsibilities and fallout.

But at the day...if one person lies, can you ever trust them in future?  leopard's never change their spots.

Over the years iv'e seen way too many fall outs, social circles/relationships destroyed just because of one persons narcissisme.  

I have  even seen a local scene torn into several groups because of it....it's not cool to see or experience for the innocents around.

 

[Leisa]

I’m sorry to say it’s not uncommon. I think it has to do with a person wanting to make another connection before giving up a previous one.

[Mo****]

3 minutes ago, Leisa said:

I’m sorry to say it’s not uncommon. I think it has to do with a person wanting to make another connection before giving up a previous one.

But Leisa, if that is the case, then it shouldn't stop them from being honest about it.  Now if someone that I was in the process of developing a relationship with told me this, then what I would do is put things on hold and tell them to sort the current situation out first, then we can get together without the worry of hiding things or that baggage coming out of the woodwork and fucking things over.  I would support them in making whatever decision they felt that they needed to make, BUT I wouldn't be making the decision for them, and I definitely would only be chatting - NOT playing or meeting, until they got things sorted.

I am not out to be the third in a relationship unless it's an open relationship and her partner tells me so, and I am definitely not out to ruin a relationship as an intruder, no matter how bad that relationship is.  To me it's an Integrity thing.

[Nylon-Nellie]

@MossyBoyWell said and agree with what you have put.

 

@LeisaIt would be easier to give up on the previous before making a connection with a new one. Why should a man/woman have their cake and eat it whilst making a new connection. 

[Deleted Member]

Yes I get this also.. I am single and want more of a relationship that kink is intertwined into our relationship and I'm very straight with people that I don't want someone married or in a relationship or even a dynamic with a sub already.. Si gle and emotionally ready.. . I want commitment and often I find they tell lies to get me to meet but lucky I dig until I get to the root of what they really want.. I'm in no rush so I can dig for weeks, they slip up eventually 😂

[Mo****]

@Elegatrose, that was what I was saying about being inside the head of your sub and digging until you find out about them.  Hiding shit in a vanilla relationship is rife, not honestly and openly communicating with your partner is not uncommon, but the partner doesn't think that they should need to get inside their hubby or wives head and that ALL will be good.  In this life, because we NEED to understand them totally we don't put up with secrets simply because someone's safety depends upon it, because someone's bliss and contentment with life, lies at our feet, we push until we know what we are up against.  IF only people were honest and didn't feel the need to lie or have secrets.

[Je****]

On 1/6/2022 at 4:18 AM, Leisa said:

I’m sorry to say it’s not uncommon. I think it has to do with a person wanting to make another connection before giving up a previous one.

This is a very good point. Sitting thinking on it though, I think it's very cruel and selfish if people do this. Just setting out on the prowl so to speak, leaving a possible unsuspecting partner sat at home not aware they're being replaced. They would probably chat to their partner and discuss unhappiness and how to compromise on it, and if nothing then sort of wave that white flag and let their partner respectfully find something else. 

I also don't think I would want to be the "new person" on the basis that someone is trying to bond with me, to "replace" their current. I think I'd have that *** that one day they'd do that to me, the person obviously doesn't respect their partner enough to talk to them and ultimately I'd look like the "other woman" and that would potentially open me up to drama and hate. Plus I just would't feel comfrotable at all tbh. But I am sure it happens. There are of course people's circumstances and reasoning for these things but I think there's always a way to go about it. Communicate. Respect and Honesty. Thanks for teaching me a thing! lol

[Deleted Member]

Its a difficult one in many places and ways but through mistakes i made in younger years i have only a few rules , i dont play with or collar anyone who is in a commited relationship , this is because lifestyle wise and with the type of interests i have i need to trust 100% and if the person i am with is either cheating or isnt commited to what is happening between her and me i cant trust her, and that is just an avenue i refuse to go down again , and the other is no play with kids in the house