ADHD and subspace

[Deleted Member]

I have terrible trouble relaxing and trying to get to that place where random, intrusive thoughts don’t spoil my experience. At the very least, there are always a few bars of whatever current tune is my earworm irritating and scritching at the back of my mind, but even that relative peace is rare and usually there is a lot more going on in my head that distracts and spoils the moment for me. 
 

Does anyone else suffer from this? I had thought that being tied, impact play etc would focus my mind sufficiently to help quiet my thoughts, but it appears it’s not enough. I have only once reached a state where I felt blissfully used and still that earworm was playing …

[Deleted Member]

One of the things I have tried in a previous relationship, with a lady who had very similar traits, was talking to her quietly. I would create a monologue that would start the thought process, then continue through the intimate playtime to keep her focused on my voice as a distraction from everything else. Once I found the right cadence and timbre of voice that got through to her, she was able to simply feel what was happening without the usual mental turmoil. Worth a try with your Dom? x

[Ba****]

Dont have a solution but can share the issue. Yes in the middle of a session your pondering how to solve world peace, do the shopping list, what you have to do for work the next day and a hundred other random things all at once and your brain never shuts up day or night. I will keep an eye on this thread too cant hurt to see if people have similar issues and how they manage it.

[Winston60]

Yes, I'm like this. My mind is trotting along constantly. Meditation and mindfullness do nothing for me as I just carry on thinking about other stuff.

I can "tune in", but usually only when doing a very focussed task. And in fact, that I think is the key; tuning in and concentrating by directing that brain activity to a focussed task. I've used " tuning in" instead of "zoning out", as the latter is for me, more about when one does a repetitive task using muscle memory. In the latter case, your mind is not engaged and can happily drift off and think about unrelated things (there is some good research on work psychology that talks about this).

So long story short, try to find something to focus your mind on. Get into your subspace by tuning in to it, rather than zoning out from it.

[Deleted Member]

22 minutes ago, TheScribe said:

One of the things I have tried in a previous relationship, with a lady who had very similar traits, was talking to her quietly. I would create a monologue that would start the thought process, then continue through the intimate playtime to keep her focused on my voice as a distraction from everything else. Once I found the right cadence and timbre of voice that got through to her, she was able to simply feel what was happening without the usual mental turmoil. Worth a try with your Dom? x

Thank you. That’s similar to what I’ve been pondering on as a possible solution, that my Dom could use his voice to focus me, though I hadn’t gone further than him giving me instructions to ‘keep still’, ‘be quiet’ etc as something to focus on rather than his actual voice but I like your idea. 

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, BadTaste_Ted said:

Dont have a solution but can share the issue. Yes in the middle of a session your pondering how to solve world peace, do the shopping list, what you have to do for work the next day and a hundred other random things all at once and your brain never shuts up day or night. I will keep an eye on this thread too cant hurt to see if people have similar issues and how they manage it.

Yes! This exactly! I’m also invariably running an internal, involuntary commentary on what’s happening between us and whether it’s working or not 😭

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, Lockfairy said:

Thank you. That’s similar to what I’ve been pondering on as a possible solution, that my Dom could use his voice to focus me, though I hadn’t gone further than him giving me instructions to ‘keep still’, ‘be quiet’ etc as something to focus on rather than his actual voice but I like your idea. 

It takes a little more work on his behalf, but once he has the hang of it hopefully it will work its magic for you. I wish you the best with it xx

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, Winston60 said:

Yes, I'm like this. My mind is trotting along constantly. Meditation and mindfullness do nothing for me as I just carry on thinking about other stuff.

I can "tune in", but usually only when doing a very focussed task. And in fact, that I think is the key; tuning in and concentrating by directing that brain activity to a focussed task. I've used " tuning in" instead of "zoning out", as the latter is for me, more about when one does a repetitive task using muscle memory. In the latter case, your mind is not engaged and can happily drift off and think about unrelated things (there is some good research on work psychology that talks about this).

So long story short, try to find something to focus your mind on. Get into your subspace by tuning in to it, rather than zoning out from it.

Same here. Meditation and mindfulness are not things I’ve ever been successful at. I can tune in to something when I’m obsessed with it or there is an element of novelty in whatever I’m doing but otherwise focus is not something that comes easily. I’ve tried talking myself into focusing on it, but I just get distracted. 

[Go****]

No solution but, like others, can relate. I need to have focused interaction and distraction otherwise I slip back into my own headspace where all the random thoughts are. It's extremely frustrating. 

[Deleted Member]

25 minutes ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

No solution but, like others, can relate. I need to have focused interaction and distraction otherwise I slip back into my own headspace where all the random thoughts are. It's extremely frustrating. 

Frustration is the word for sure. It’s so difficult to even enjoy a scene when you are mostly aware that your mind is not in it 100% (or even close) 😭

I guess we need to work on focused interaction then because, as soon as I start trying to get to that place myself, I’m by definition thinking of something that’s distracting me from being there. 

[Go****]

Yes! That, exactly! It's like the harder we try, the more difficult it is to get there. The last time I tried, I just ended up having to walk away to have a cry. 

I think that is definitely a positive way to go, as it is giving your mind plenty to keep it busy (hopefully!), yet keeping it in the scene. There's nothing more off putting than trying to get to that place, only to be thinking about the work you need to do 😖

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

Yes! That, exactly! It's like the harder we try, the more difficult it is to get there. The last time I tried, I just ended up having to walk away to have a cry. 

I think that is definitely a positive way to go, as it is giving your mind plenty to keep it busy (hopefully!), yet keeping it in the scene. There's nothing more off putting than trying to get to that place, only to be thinking about the work you need to do 😖

I’m going to end up in tears soon if we can’t work something out. I’ve already stropped in sheer frustration (which helps no one). I’ve been told several times after some heroic efforts on his part, ‘ “We’ll get back to that later.” We somehow never do 😔 I can’t say I blame him sometimes. 

[Ba****]

Just out of random interest i wonder if we have any other common traits just be interesting to see if I'm alone on this or not? I'm a control freak but that doesn't bare out in everything I do in fact some aspects go completely against that. I need plans for everything with backup plans in case those plans fail and if it fails it hits me hard I my head. Can sleep in a heartbeat if I want to but never feel like I want to I only do so because I know I need to. Same for food I dont feel hungry alot of the time bit I have to make myself eat because I know I need to. This is where I find im not alone or I'm a bit craaazy lol

[Ad****]

Do you take medication for your adhd at all? For me before a scene I take mine and it keeps the intrusive thoughts out and I’m able to give my whole focus to what’s in front of me.

[Deleted Member]

Yeah same here I don’t know why or how to stop it either. Sometimes I just give In to it. Accept it.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, BadTaste_Ted said:

Just out of random interest i wonder if we have any other common traits just be interesting to see if I'm alone on this or not? I'm a control freak but that doesn't bare out in everything I do in fact some aspects go completely against that. I need plans for everything with backup plans in case those plans fail and if it fails it hits me hard I my head. Can sleep in a heartbeat if I want to but never feel like I want to I only do so because I know I need to. Same for food I dont feel hungry alot of the time bit I have to make myself eat because I know I need to. This is where I find im not alone or I'm a bit craaazy lol

I’m definitely not a control freak. I can barely plan five minutes ahead. Sleep is erratic and I will resist going to bed until I just can’t function any more. I eat whenever I suddenly realise I’m starving, often not eating from breakfast until late into the evening. 

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, trinnity said:

Do you take medication for your adhd at all? For me before a scene I take mine and it keeps the intrusive thoughts out and I’m able to give my whole focus to what’s in front of me.

The area I was living when I was diagnosed was absolutely hopeless for ADHD and I had to fight tooth and nail to get my diagnosis. I only got to try one brand of meds and they didn’t seem to do much for me. I still have some of my son’s and did try one before a scene a while back which seemed to help a little, but I really wanted to find another way to get there. 

[Ad****]

14 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

The area I was living when I was diagnosed was absolutely hopeless for ADHD and I had to fight tooth and nail to get my diagnosis. I only got to try one brand of meds and they didn’t seem to do much for me. I still have some of my son’s and did try one before a scene a while back which seemed to help a little, but I really wanted to find another way to get there. 

And you have tried tantra

[Pe****]

ADHD can be controlled by two measures, one is through pharmaceutical means and the other is through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I would first seek referral to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed as to which method your problem is most effectively controlled by. If the psychiatrist determines it’s through CBT then ask for referral letter which you can take to a qualified CBT practitioner. These should be the first port of call rather than through your BDSM partner because most likely the ADHD would be preventing you from being the best version of yourself outside of relationships. Once this is done, there are other tools which your dominant can employ to assist you in getting into the right headspace for BDSM. Most notable of these is hypnosis training.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, PerthS said:

ADHD can be controlled by two measures, one is through pharmaceutical means and the other is through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I would first seek referral to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed as to which method your problem is most effectively controlled by. If the psychiatrist determines it’s through CBT then ask for referral letter which you can take to a qualified CBT practitioner. These should be the first port of call rather than through your BDSM partner because most likely the ADHD would be preventing you from being the best version of yourself outside of relationships. Once this is done, there are other tools which your dominant can employ to assist you in getting into the right headspace for BDSM. Most notable of these is hypnosis training.

I am diagnosed.

CBT does not control ADHD.

My BDSM partner is not my first port of call.

ADHD does not prevent me from being the best version of myself in or out of relationships – society does that by not accepting ADHD traits.

[dr****]

I do and it’s tough not fixating too. It’s playing with fire for sure

[Deleted Member]

20 hours ago, trinnity said:

And you have tried tantra

I don’t really know much of anything about tantra. From the little I do know, it seems to require a lot of patience, not something I’m blessed with.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, drownmeinsquirt said:

I do and it’s tough not fixating too. It’s playing with fire for sure

Could you expand on why you think it’s playing with fire?

[Go****]

On 1/7/2022 at 1:56 PM, Lockfairy said:

I’m going to end up in tears soon if we can’t work something out. I’ve already stropped in sheer frustration (which helps no one). I’ve been told several times after some heroic efforts on his part, ‘ “We’ll get back to that later.” We somehow never do 😔 I can’t say I blame him sometimes. 

The frustration is completely understandable. I hope you can find a solution that works for you soon!

[Deleted Member]

Have you played with a dominant who's ADHD, we tend to match energies quite well experiencing a lot of the same things.