ey**** Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 29 minutes ago, Dragonflylover said: I'm seeing it as a form of control. I've seen doms here talk of choosing outfits for subs, of overseeing their diets, laying out their underwear for a play session. But because they pay for the lingerie they'd like to see on their sub - now it's a huge problem? Why? yep - I guess also "I bought you a gift because I want to see you in it" I don't feel that's entirely unreasonable.
Ar**** Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 No I don't; I haven't ever and if I had a partner who expected that she wouldn't be around for long. Some of that has to do with previous partners already earning more than enough to keep themselves. Whether they did or didn't, I'm far more comfortable in a relationship/dynamic where both parties can spontaneously treat/spoil each other "just because", without obligation or feeling the need to. And if a partner is struggling then obviously I'll help out... no judgement, but allowances aren't for me.
Mo**** Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 What I would like to say is this, "Give a sub credit, NOT a credit card". Your sub is yours because she likes what she sees in YOU, she is not, in majority of situations, there for the financial gain. He/She is a person who has their own life, subs for most parts are strong and independent, so do NOT denigrate them by the offering of some sort of allowance/stipend. They generally will have their own employment and are happy to provide for themselves, just like they would if they were NOT your sub. They would pay for their own hairdos, pedi/manicures. Subs have a desire, once again in most part, to look good and wear clothes that THEY like and feel comfortable in. In short, they like to think and feel attractive and sexy. Now subs are different from slaves and sugar babies. These will insist on you paying, in most part, especially if they are youngish and have no real established career/employment. They will gladly accept you paying for things. But I have to remind you that every dynamic is different, and as such, it all comes back to what is decided during discussion BEFORE both parties agree that they want to be in a relationship with that other person. Remember, as a dominant, you DON'T own that sub, but you do own their submission UNTIL they decide to withdraw it because of breaches to the dynamic 'rules', things like breach of trust for one. For me, having a financial control or input over how my sub spends 'their' *** makes for financial control and ultimately ***, NOT something that I ever want my sub to feel worried about.
Deleted Member Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 1 hour ago, Lady_Char said: Like I said previously, I would consider these gifts and I see that differently. I'm not keen on a stipend, but that's just me. If both parties agree, it's none of my business, but one thing I wouldn't like is any sort of pressure tied the allowance previously mentioned. Limits pushed because "did you enjoy that manicure I paid for Wednesday?" Or even the idea that the *** has to be earned, through service etc. Service and submission to me is a gift, it's not something I expect to be paid for. Again, these are all hair my opinions and preferences. I think a great deal of this is just wording. The OP asked a question - he was open to input. If a Dom wanted me to dress a certain way to go to clubs for example and wanted to give me an allowance to meet that desire of his - sure. Any other way of controlling me via *** is not acceptable. Subs should not have to earn a manicure. Not expect a Dom to pay for lots of their expenses. But if a Dom has specific requirements then why shouldn't he fund them. And some subs may wish for more financial control. I think that's very risky personally.
ma**** Posted January 22, 2022 Posted January 22, 2022 I’m also of the philosophy here that allowances shouldn’t be a thing. Kink dynamics should be free the payment should be mutual satisfaction, payment should be doing something special for one another to reward loyalty. It’s the same for this whole “tribute” thing. *** should never get involved here. Id say if you bond well (pun intended 😂) *** should be no object. If it were me I’d make sure if I had specific thing I wanted my sub to wear I’d just pay for it or ask her and agree on what to get etc. Maybe even go half’s? Relationships are 50/50 anyways right? Any relationshiptjay requires pay likes it’s a job isn’t a relationship in my personal view. Anyway don’t wanna sound preachy or anything just my two cents on the matter 🤷♂️☺️
Deleted Member Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 29 minutes ago, matt-o-chist said: I’m also of the philosophy here that allowances shouldn’t be a thing. Kink dynamics should be free the payment should be mutual satisfaction, payment should be doing something special for one another to reward loyalty. It’s the same for this whole “tribute” thing. *** should never get involved here. Id say if you bond well (pun intended 😂) *** should be no object. If it were me I’d make sure if I had specific thing I wanted my sub to wear I’d just pay for it or ask her and agree on what to get etc. Maybe even go half’s? Relationships are 50/50 anyways right? Any relationshiptjay requires pay likes it’s a job isn’t a relationship in my personal view. Anyway don’t wanna sound preachy or anything just my two cents on the matter 🤷♂️☺️ I like to pay for the vast majority of my kink toys and outfits etc bc, if/when we part ways, I'm taking it with me. And if I paid for it, it is unequivocally mine. But I'm in a position where I can do that.
Leisa Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 I think that’s very sweet but unless it’s a gift without strings then I wouldn’t do it.
Deleted Member Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 I'll weigh in a little, with a controversial opinion. I'm a strong, feminist sub. I know my own value, and my value to the dom I am with. One dom liked very specific things. I am self sufficient, but the things he wanted me to wear, underwear, dresses etc, cost more than I could afford, and I was open about this. In order to afford what he wanted I'd have to change jobs, and potentially be unhappy. We discussed this, and he said as it was things that made him, as opposed to me, happy, he would pay for them. This developed into my dom giving me a monthly amount to choose my own dresses etc because he like the anticipation of the surprise. I always gave him the receipts and it was always honest. He also felt no guilt tearing or ruining underwear or clothes in the heat of the moment. I never once felt "paid for", or bought, and it was never an expectation I had to earn. It was an open and honest discussion, and I still had my feminist views intact. When the dynamic was dissolved, Niether of us felt used. In that particular dynamic, it worked for us. I think it all boils down to intention.
Deleted Member Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 1 hour ago, SubPetite said: I'll weigh in a little, with a controversial opinion. I'm a strong, feminist sub. I know my own value, and my value to the dom I am with. One dom liked very specific things. I am self sufficient, but the things he wanted me to wear, underwear, dresses etc, cost more than I could afford, and I was open about this. In order to afford what he wanted I'd have to change jobs, and potentially be unhappy. We discussed this, and he said as it was things that made him, as opposed to me, happy, he would pay for them. This developed into my dom giving me a monthly amount to choose my own dresses etc because he like the anticipation of the surprise. I always gave him the receipts and it was always honest. He also felt no guilt tearing or ruining underwear or clothes in the heat of the moment. I never once felt "paid for", or bought, and it was never an expectation I had to earn. It was an open and honest discussion, and I still had my feminist views intact. When the dynamic was dissolved, Niether of us felt used. In that particular dynamic, it worked for us. I think it all boils down to intention. I'd also like to point out this was my experience with one dom. There is no expectation that Another dom do the same, and in fact non have, and we've all been perfectly happy.
Charms Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 Master will buy me things if we're going to a kink club if he wants something percfic to wear. He's also brought me things for home play. But then iv brought him things for play time. We also buy each other things in general. We live separate homes but I vist him often. Bit hard to play when you house share But master does come to mine also we buy each other random things. He's brought me pj's 4 when I'm at his an want to nap. Also snacks for when ever. Iv brought him ps4 games an room decor. We don't have a set amount we spend on each other or a set date. Just if we see things or need things. Master does my food shopping most weeks witch I pay for but that's because I have health issues an he looks after me. But Master knew before I became his sub that I had health problems. He spent weeks researching my health conditions before we became Master an sub.
Nylon-Nellie Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 Ask a question and you will get a ray of answers. This is a first for me, coming across such a question. Giving a sub £200 a month to spend on such items and to be held accountable for spends? What will happen to the lingerie, if you two parted company? Will she hand them back to you or would she be able to keep them for herself? If the latter, then it is a win win for the sub. Lingerie being given as a gift is one thing, but being given *** for such, just doesn't sit right with me. You will be giving newbies ideas As for me, I would feel uncomfortable, a Dom parting with such a large amount of ***, just to keep him interested. Nothing wrong with a woman paying for her own lingerie, pedicures, gym membership, etc.
Mo**** Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 3 hours ago, Charms said: Master will buy me things if we're going to a kink club if he wants something percfic to wear. He's also brought me things for home play. But then iv brought him things for play time. We also buy each other things in general. We live separate homes but I vist him often. Bit hard to play when you house share But master does come to mine also we buy each other random things. He's brought me pj's 4 when I'm at his an want to nap. Also snacks for when ever. Iv brought him ps4 games an room decor. We don't have a set amount we spend on each other or a set date. Just if we see things or need things. Master does my food shopping most weeks witch I pay for but that's because I have health issues an he looks after me. But Master knew before I became his sub that I had health problems. He spent weeks researching my health conditions before we became Master an sub. Hey Charms, you have a dynamic that works because of a genuine connection with each other. What you are describing, feels like a reasonably normal type of relationship, and for most part, that type of relationship does not allow financial bullying or *** to occur.
ey**** Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 I think also a little question here if there is no existing sub... are you here trying to woo people by flashing cash. Because that can set red flags about you.
ki**** Posted January 23, 2022 Posted January 23, 2022 Depends on your dynamic if your both happy with it then seems fair enough.
Deleted Member Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said: I think also a little question here if there is no existing sub... are you here trying to woo people by flashing cash. Because that can set red flags about you. To me that is a major red flag.
Charms Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 7 hours ago, MossyBoy said: Hey Charms, you have a dynamic that works because of a genuine connection with each other. What you are describing, feels like a reasonably normal type of relationship, and for most part, that type of relationship does not allow financial bullying or *** to occur. Ty yes we have a awesome connection. We've known each over 25 years. In thev4 years iv been his sub well 4 years this February weve supported each other threw lots of things none kink stuff. At 1 point master asked if we could stop kink an I agreed. Even calling him master. But he'd still give me the look or ues the tone of voice or go pet an I'd behave. Master is more than just some 1 who spanks or flogs me he is my center he grounds me. He as made my mental health so much better. I suffer so bad from ocd and sticking to his rules I have for every day as helped.
Charms Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 I was with master Sunday evening an I said I need a £200 pound a month allowance. He said why. I told him about this topic and he said no not happening. He knew I was joking. He said no way would he give a sub £200 a month. He knows I'm not after him for his ***. Don't care what he's got in the bank. Sometimes when we go out for a meal qn drinks He will give me his bank card to pay for the meal but that's only because I paid last time. From the start I said I'd pay my share. Unless it's our birthdays than the other pays for food an drinks for the night. But that's like most couples. 1 thing I have to buy him is a single red rose on valentines day. It started when we were kids at senior school. Yes iv known him that long. As a joke. Apart from that he never expects any gift of me anytime of the year
ey**** Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 6 hours ago, DaBrat said: To me that is a major red flag. people talk about scammers posing as women but there's also scammers who pose at men who basically start the conversation about paying a monthly allowance. Usually more than £200 and usually more "to do as you please" but it's certainly how some of the scams begin.
ey**** Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 as a further thought any type of allowance system, for whatever reason, needs to be discussed with your partner. If you are expecting them to do certain things and these things have expenses, and you are going to cover these expenses because it's what you want - this may be fair. But, there's a lot that's variable - depending on her hair the salon costs might change. Whether some make up brands are preferred or to be avoided. So on. Whether there are other overheads to go with this also (i.e. lunch if there's a gap between, say, hair and nail appointments) It really is a discuss what you both want with partner, than throwing numbers on a forum and hoping for the best.
wy**** Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 Saturday at 09:15 PM, Dragonflylover said: Am I being bought? Does that mean I am not a true sub? It depends on agreement for me from both parties
Firefox_ Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 I dont agree with the whole allowance thing... - I get buying gifts - like anyone important in your life. but I would prefer a connection to be based on connection then ***. I dont like the idea of being Bought either... feels a bit ick to me.
ey**** Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 I keep thinking of things - but there's a lot of comments about it being motivated by *** - but it seems to be the word "allowance" causing offence rather than the purpose. While there is a monthly budget in this proposal, she is being told what to spend it on for the Dominant's benefit, not necessarily her own. Which is entirely different.
ey**** Posted January 24, 2022 Posted January 24, 2022 I think also "allowance" comes up in a lot of "Seeking arrangement" type things -but that doesn't seem to be what is proposed here. Under SA it would be "I will give you x per month. In exchange you will do this" and a potential counter of "if you want me to do that, then I am going to need x, y, z for expenses" and the arrangement might including being available for message exchanges, meeting so often per month, so on so forth. If there's a requirement for hair, makeup, lingerie, etc. these ladies are (rightfully) not going to get out of bed for £200pm.
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