How Long?

[Leisa]

It’s been awhile but it’s something I’ve been pondering. Recently I allowed myself to become involved in an abusive dynamic. Not physically abusive but mentally where excessive mental punishments were intentionally used based off our negotiation meeting before beginning. I was honest and gave him reasons why certain punishments were off limits and he only used those discussed as my limits. As such he broke consent and almost me. I say almost but he has broken the trusting part of me. Broken me in such a way that I’m considering going back to a vanilla lifestyle even though I’ve been part of this community for over 20 years. I no longer believe that a potential can be trusted with knowing the complete me and that’s extremely disheartening. How long does it take to get over the *** of ***s to self and is it even worth continuing in a lifestyle that’s already cost more than anyone should have to sacrifice?

[Deleted Member]

I am so sorry you have had such a bad experience. I hate it when other Doms behave so badly. Feel free to message me if you’d like a confidential chat.

[ol****]

I want to sound a note of caution here.

*** exists in the vanilla world. Often without any discussion of limits or likes.

While it is clear what has happened is appaling, it is due to one person (possibly an ***r posibly a person with not as much experience as was claimed).

[Ar****]

2 minutes ago, oldfellow said:

*** exists in the vanilla world. Often without any discussion of limits or likes.

That is an excellent point.

Leisa... if I'm honest I don't think the ***s and such ever totally go away. And each time it happens the walls get built a little higher, we grow a little colder and more distrustful of potential new relationships/dynamics.

But they DO wane. I don't really know you but I've seen enough to believe you'll get through this. It might take longer than you'd hope or expect. There is no guarantee it won't happen again. That's why perhaps it is less about waiting for *** to subside, and rather more about remembering the fierce and brave side of you that isn't going to be held back by this. She's still there, somewhere, and you have so many friends who have your back and will support you until the time is right again for you.

You do you. If you feel safer trying a vanilla relationship and seeing if that works, anybody who matters will give you their blessing. Just be aware that consent ***s and the like are just as prevalent in that world, perhaps more so as within kink there is much emphasis given to rules and ethics. There will always be a place here for you whatever you decide - all that matters is that you feel safe.

[Leisa]

26 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

That is an excellent point.

Leisa... if I'm honest I don't think the ***s and such ever totally go away. And each time it happens the walls get built a little higher, we grow a little colder and more distrustful of potential new relationships/dynamics.

But they DO wane. I don't really know you but I've seen enough to believe you'll get through this. It might take longer than you'd hope or expect. There is no guarantee it won't happen again. That's why perhaps it is less about waiting for *** to subside, and rather more about remembering the fierce and brave side of you that isn't going to be held back by this. She's still there, somewhere, and you have so many friends who have your back and will support you until the time is right again for you.

You do you. If you feel safer trying a vanilla relationship and seeing if that works, anybody who matters will give you their blessing. Just be aware that consent ***s and the like are just as prevalent in that world, perhaps more so as within kink there is much emphasis given to rules and ethics. There will always be a place here for you whatever you decide - all that matters is that you feel safe.

I’m just scared.

[Leisa]

33 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

That is an excellent point.

Leisa... if I'm honest I don't think the ***s and such ever totally go away. And each time it happens the walls get built a little higher, we grow a little colder and more distrustful of potential new relationships/dynamics.

But they DO wane. I don't really know you but I've seen enough to believe you'll get through this. It might take longer than you'd hope or expect. There is no guarantee it won't happen again. That's why perhaps it is less about waiting for *** to subside, and rather more about remembering the fierce and brave side of you that isn't going to be held back by this. She's still there, somewhere, and you have so many friends who have your back and will support you until the time is right again for you.

You do you. If you feel safer trying a vanilla relationship and seeing if that works, anybody who matters will give you their blessing. Just be aware that consent ***s and the like are just as prevalent in that world, perhaps more so as within kink there is much emphasis given to rules and ethics. There will always be a place here for you whatever you decide - all that matters is that you feel safe.

I’m not sure I can ever trust again to give someone that amount of control. I’m not sure anyone can break down those walls that were already high.

[na****]

No one ever deserves to be treated that way in any dynamic. I’m sorry that happened to you. Remember your worth, your strength, as an independent, intelligent woman 💞 A real man or a real Dominant would never treat a lady that way. We are all beautiful and worth everything 🥰 You take care…

[ol****]

54 minutes ago, Leisa said:

I’m not sure I can ever trust again to give someone that amount of control. I’m not sure anyone can break down those walls that were already high.

You need to give yourself time to heal. No rebound stuff.

Then you need to give yourself time to trust again. Anybody who won't give you the time to open up at your pace is not worth your time.

[Deleted Member]

Just now, oldfellow said:

You need to give yourself time to heal. No rebound stuff.

Then you need to give yourself time to trust again. Anybody who won't give you the time to open up at your pace is not worth your time.

Absolutely agree ❤️
Please look after yourself.

[CopperKnob]

3 hours ago, Leisa said:

I’m not sure I can ever trust again to give someone that amount of control. I’m not sure anyone can break down those walls that were already high.

I sometimes feel like this. After the last person i was starting to trust especially. It made me question myself in so many different ways especially whether I could even trust myself to gauge someones character enough that I should let my guard down ever again.
Even now 6mths later, I'll be chatting away and that doubt creeps in and I'll back off. Doesn't matter if it's vanilla, kink, friendship, possibly more.
But, I think and hope that there is someone out there that I can let my guard down with at some point afterall, without hope what do we have?
I see you Leisa. I see you commenting here. You're funny. You know your boundaries. You're strong and you give us fantastic advice through sharing your experiences and insight.
It will take time, I don't know how long. It can be harder when we're older because we come with a lot of heartache and maybe a suitcase or two but that also provides us with coping mechanisms, strategies and resillience that we didn't necessarily have in our 20's
Maybe take a break and heal but, please don't throw in the towel, theres a penguin out there for you i'm sure

[DarkArts1066]

Firstly, I am saddened to hear of your experience. The bond of trust that is hard earned should never be misused. We all learn from our experiences over time, and I could tell the tale of another person I know - who has also reached the same conclusion as you (returning to the vanilla world permanently) in response to being chronically deceived and let down by a mentally abusive former partner.

What I can say is that, for her, although at the time it seemed like the right decision for her, in hindsight it clearly wasn’t. She is now back in the lifestyle - a little more cautious due to her recent experiences, and perhaps a little afraid to give herself over completely - for now, but she is learning to trust herself - and her intuition again… which can only be a positive thing.
We cannot change our true nature as easily as we might change a lightbulb. Those things throughout life that interest us seldom go away completely. Indeed sometimes, perhaps most times, we are inexorably drawn back to them. Don’t cloak your feelings because of a bad experience. Learn from it, devise a way of ensuring that it doesn’t happen again, and move forward from it in a positive way.
Good luck,
DarkArts

[Leisa]

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement, advice, and caring. I take it all to heart. I’ve decided to just take a couple of weeks to clear my head and than go from there before making a decision I could ultimately regret.

[DarkArts1066]

48 minutes ago, Leisa said:

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement, advice, and caring. I take it all to heart. I’ve decided to just take a couple of weeks to clear my head and than go from there before making a decision I could ultimately regret.

That’s a good decision in my book… I hope you find your way through this.

[Ho****]

8 hours ago, DarkArts1066 said:

Firstly, I am saddened to hear of your experience. The bond of trust that is hard earned should never be misused. We all learn from our experiences over time, and I could tell the tale of another person I know - who has also reached the same conclusion as you (returning to the vanilla world permanently) in response to being chronically deceived and let down by a mentally abusive former partner.

What I can say is that, for her, although at the time it seemed like the right decision for her, in hindsight it clearly wasn’t. She is now back in the lifestyle - a little more cautious due to her recent experiences, and perhaps a little afraid to give herself over completely - for now, but she is learning to trust herself - and her intuition again… which can only be a positive thing.
We cannot change our true nature as easily as we might change a lightbulb. Those things throughout life that interest us seldom go away completely. Indeed sometimes, perhaps most times, we are inexorably drawn back to them. Don’t cloak your feelings because of a bad experience. Learn from it, devise a way of ensuring that it doesn’t happen again, and move forward from it in a positive way.
Good luck,
DarkArts

I'm glad to read you're taking time to clear your head and heal. And DarkArts' point is solid. I'm one of those who crossed to the vanilla side. But I'm here easing back in because we can't ignore our nature. In the brief time I've been here, I've witnessed and benefitted from your experience and commitment to the community. I hope that time and reflection helps you heal and that your journey leads to a partner who appreciates you and nourishes your nature. 

[MissTakenDeep]

Awww mate 😓 I’m so sorry you’ve been violated in this way. It’s absolutely disgusting and it’s upsetting to hear.

I’d absolutely take some time to heal from this before you make a decision. I understand it can be frightening to think another Dom would repeat this abusive behaviour, but it 100% also happens in vanilla relationships. Toxic people are everywhere, not just in the kink community and if submissive is who you are, then that shouldn’t be taken away from because of one horrible individual who ***d your trust. It’s so difficult to get passed these kind of experiences, but with the right support around you, I really hope you can ❤️ sending much love ❤️

[DarkArts1066]

MissTakenDeep’s comments about this kind of thing happening in Vanilla relationships - and that toxic people are everywhere are sadly 100% on the ***. I believe that people shut down their “kink” side when situations and/or relationships go wrong because they see that as the most extreme side of themselves - and therefore the side most at risk of ***. This is so not the case.
If you find someone within the “kink” community who is truly on your wavelength, then I believe the bond you can develop is far stronger than with someone whose outlook is purely vanilla.
Leisa, reading through these posts on this thread, it is clear to me that you have friends here .. so please don’t shut them out because you feel the risks in this world are greater, because they really aren’t.
Have a lovely weekend.. and make sure you do something purely for ‘You’.

[RosineK]

First of all, I am very sorry for what happened to you. The element of trust is paramount to any healthy kinky relationship.
Keep in mind that we meet ***rs of our trust every day, in almost every aspect of our life, and definitely within vanilla relationships as well. Take the time you need to recover and reflect, and remember you are stronger than you feel at the moment.