"Daddy isues" and other issues

[Deleted Member]

Is it bad to have "daddy issues" if I am female and I want to have a D/S or DDLG type of relationship? 

My dad never ***d me, but he left when I was little so I never had a normal or loving father-daughter relationship, he was the typical deadbeat absentee type of dad. When I did see him I was older but he was only there because he had to be not because he wanted to be, he always favoured my half brothers over me and my mum favours my other brothers over me.

He never said he loved me, or asked me if I was okay when I was being bullied, I was molested in education twice by guys, all the bullies planned for it to hsppen, and made it seem like I wanted it to happen but I didn't, I became addicted to cutting my wrists. I have been bullied my whole life and always felt depressed and suicidal, but recent I have been trying really hard to be positive ,to do more exercise and be healthy thanks to the guy I like bing supportive, I appreciate it. 

Being molested  has severly affected my trust in men, especially about intimacy/sex, it makes me feel anxious or like I will have a panic attack, so if I like a guy I don't want to ruh things and it would be helpful if they are patient and understanding.

My non existent relationship with my dad has also affected any friendship/relationship with any guy I like, usually I constantly feel like I will be rejected and abandoned at any moment, so I need constant reassurance that they are trustworthy and reliable. I am not ueed to a man's attention, affection or love since I have never had a boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like any potential relationship hasn't worked out so far, because I can be a little bit clingy, needy or insecure and I need to be comforted and loved a lot and I have a lot of love to give. I am meeting the guy I really like, so I hope things will be good, he is caring and supportive which sometimes makes me feel sad. It's so hard to be loved when you are insecure and you have daddy issues or general issues with men, but all I want is to be loved, to be protected, to feel safe, to feel wanted and needed, to be treated like I matter to another human being. 

Am I the only person with these types of issies? The main reason I want to be in a Dom/sub or DDLG relationxhip is thst it would be the***utic and comforting but I have issues and i'm not perfect.

 

[3S****]

I personally don't think it's bad, a lot of people have issues and may spend the rest of their lives dealing with them.
I think it's great you've been honest here, and no you are not the only person with these issues at all.

What sort of support have you got outside of any potential relationship? Much as i think it's great you have someone supporting you it might be a good idea to seek other people too. You've pretty much said what issues you have, they seem to be rejection, abandonment, dependency/neediness, lack of trust, depression, and self harm. Also it may benefit you to find somewhere safe to discuss being molested and how to deal with that.

All the other things you want or say are normal i feel.

There's a lot of free online support you could find, from facebook groups to online forums, possibly there are local meet up groups what are free and supportive too, also your GP could be someone to see and ask to be referred for help. I think it's beneficial to have support from other people with the same issues as yourself because they understand you (and so help you feel like you're not the only person this has happened to) plus many will have found coping mechanisms for the same issues.

I'm in a couple of facebook groups myself that helped me stop feeling like an alien and last year i got mental health support from NHS services as well and it's likely i will be asking for more help with them in the future as they helped me a lot.

 

[Deleted Member]

What are the facebook groups that you joined?

[Lugnut-4292]

Hi, just waiting to see my psychotherapist so it will be a short post for now. My parents fucked me up quite a bit, especially my father. I have mental health issues including bad anxiety (GAD), mood issues, abandonment ***, psychosis, etc. The NHS might be able to help but it is difficult to get the right level of support unless you are suicidal due to prioritization through lack of budget. I was suicidal and did get some help. I now see a private therapist so that is an option if you can afford it. I have tried a few therapists until I have found somebody I can work with. I needed to take medication but it tends to mask illness rather than fix it so some kind of talking therapy is ultimately the best in my opinion.

L

[Deleted Member]

I have seen a few counsellors since I was 13 due to bei ng addicted to self harming, briefly took anti-depressants and they made me feel worse. The last counsellor I saw said that everything bad that happened in my life was somehow my fault and I brought it on myself but I never did anything as far as I am aware to provoke anyone to bully, molest me etc..

i appreciate your comment/advice thank you.

[Lugnut-4292]

@Vampire_***lust666

I've had some crappy therapists. An NHS one I had definitely did way more damage than good. I had another one who was just plain ineffectual. My current one is fantastic. She has an open mind. She is clearly skilled at her job. She is empathetic. If only I had started with her. I would not write off therapy but you may need to shop around with some trial and error. Also making sure the therapist has the right qualifications is important. Therapy is not very well regulated. My therapist is helping me see if I can function of anti-psychotics which is a big deal for me as the side effects are not good. 

Abandonment *** is quite common and is often the result of insecure bonds as a child, especially in the first few years of life. I suffer very badly with it and although I have been married for 20+ years I still get it badly if my wife guess away for a couple of days. I don't think there is an easy fix. My wife is away this weekend so my son is looking after me. It sounds ridiculous as I am 45 and he is 20.

As for anti-depressants, you may also find you need to try more than one to find one that works for you. I know most doctors start with SSRIs such as sertraline, citalopram and fluoxotine. None of the above fit well with me. I have found an SNRI, venlafaxine works wonders for me and probably saved my life. You may get a lot of benefit from am anti-depressant if you can find the right one that works for you. You need a doctor who is prepared to work with you. Have you seen a psychiatrist? Getting a diagnosis was useful for me and GP's don't have the appropriate training for anything other than the basics.

L

[Deleted Member]

Dad left me and mum when I was a baby, I know it''s important to have a good relationship with both parents at that age, but he wasn't around till I was a ***ager and even then he might as well not even bothered. I only saw him because he had to be thefe as a father, but not because he wanted to be there, he was emotionally distant, never made it claer he loved me or said that and never askedme if i was okay.

I did see a psychiatrist and they gave me an antidepressant setraline but it made me feel worse. Never got any disgnosis for depression because all the counsellors i saw or the psychiatrist i saw didn't think I was depressed just that I was feeling sorry for myself, but I was depressed, suicidal, getting bullied everyday and at every school i went to, college and then at work. I was self harming a lot. Not eure how counselling would help to be honest.

 

[Lugnut-4292]

There is also the possibility that you may be somewhere on one of the personality disorder spectrums. Only a specialist can diagnose this, not a GP. Being very needy can certainly push people away and lack of trust can cause all sorts of issues, especially if your lack of trust causes you to break off the relationship. Borderline personality disorder had some of those traits but again need a psychiatrist to diagnose and often will not be diagnosed as it carries a lot of sigma, even in this more enlightened age.

L

[Lugnut-4292]

@Vampire_***lust666

There are lots of conditions that can cause issues, not just depression, I get mood swings but I don't suffer much from depression but I still tried to commit *** some years ago. I'm amazed that a psychiatrist would be so narrow minded. If you self harm and have real suicidal thoughts there IS a problem. Lots of people think about *** and that is quite normal so I am told, people who think about how and when etc need help, that is not normal. It can be difficult to self diagnose and I thought I was depressed but now I understand that my main issue is anxiety. I would go back and see your GP and ask for another referral. If that does not work go to another GP and try again. Even if the psychiatrist thinks you are seeking attention that is still a sign that there is a problem. Having been through the mental health system I know it can be a battle to get the right help but you owe it to yourself to battle on and fight the system. In fairness the psychiatrists I have seen have been really good. 

L

[Deleted Member]

Oh I wasn't aware of possible mental health/personality signs in behaviour. I don't know what to say to a doctor. Thanks for your help though, I appreciate it. 

[Lugnut-4292]

Just tell you doctor the truth but don't play down your symptoms. Poor mental health is nothing to be ashamed of, if that is your problem. My work ***rs know about my problems as does my employer. My employer has been fantastic and has made all sorts of adjustments to help me. My ***rs now understand why sometimes my behaviour is different and they understand why. Don't just tell your doctor you are depressed, tell them about abandonment issues, trouble maintaining relationships, suicidal thoughts etc. If you make yourself a real *** in the arse or they feel you are genuinely at risk of seriously hurting yourself they should only be too pleased to refer you to a psychiatrist. Don't just accept the first med they try either. Also, if they put you on anti-depressants they can take 6 to 8 weeks to work properly so it can be a real drag. Don't confuse a psychiatrist with a psychologist.

L

[Deleted Member]

Okwy thanks, I understand.

[3S****]

9 hours ago, Vampire_***lust666 said:

What are the facebook groups that you joined?

It was one for CPTSD, so there are things in there that surround those issues.

How i found what i think was suitable for me was by searching for my issues, then finding the groups that were the most active and that had a lot of members. I've been in a few groups, only found one that i can relate to and sometimes they can be triggering but i don't use fb a lot so can avoid the groups if i want to as well.

If you got a diagnosis (that you agree with) i think it would help you seek out the correct support. Mine was through trial and error, and it took me a few years to know what was wrong with me exactly but once i did i felt that finding support got easier and that i felt comfortable seeking out that support because there was 'proof' that i needed that support.

Edited June 18, 2018 by 3SumQueen