What to do

[Ro****]

Advice needed. Recently I met a 21 year old sub on another platform. We made plans to meet the following weekend so I rented a nice hotel and met her at a high end restaurant. After dinner we went back to the room and it was nothing short of amazing. She was into all of the same things that I am and the way she let me have control turned me on more than I’ve ever been before. We fucked countless times throughout the night, got an hour or two of sleep, went and had breakfast, and she treated me to road head on the drive to take her home. For the next week we kept in touch and long story short, we made plans for her to come stay the weekend at my house. Everything was amazing the first night, sex was great, but I started to notice both of us having more passionate sex than the previous times. With each time we had sex it turned more and more into making love. I knew that she was catching feelings for me and I’d be lying if I say that I didn’t have the strong connection chemistry with her. Fast forward to the night before she was going to be heading home. She went to kiss me while we were in the kitchen and I stopped her, looked her in the eye and told her that she shouldn’t let herself feel anything for me. She got quite, and I knew that things were not going to be the same from that point forward. She asked me what I wanted and I told her that I liked her and was feeling the same way as her but there was no way i would be able to be in a relationship with someone that lived the lifestyle that she does. (She has a transgender Domme that delivers ***, spanks, hits, ***s her ect. And leaves her ass bruised) She said that she would be willing to cut that relationship off because I was worth it. We stopped talking about it for a while and out of no where a few hours later she started talking about a photoshoot that her photographer wanted to do that was Consent/non consent and that to set the mood he sometimes would engage with the people he was taking pictures of sexually. So basically what I heard was that she was going to be ***d and it was going to be recorded, right after she told me she would be willing to put aside that lifestyle. I shut down emotionally and took her home the next day. After a few hours of not talking I told her that I couldn’t ask her to change her lifestyle since that’s something that she enjoyed. I’m skipping a lot because there is a lot and too much to write here without it becoming a novel. What I’m struggling with is I can’t stop thinking about her and I don’t know what to do. It’s been a week and I think about her way more than I think is normal. Any advice would be appreciated.

[ge****]

I think just like any relationship ending you're going through a natural grieving period for that relationship, and need to give yourself time and space to process that.
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You probably also need some time and space to come to terms with what you want and expect from her, should the relationship be rekindled - can you accept her alternate lifestyle, or would you expect her to give it up completely? Can you find a compromise position where you're a part of that lifestyle and indulge in it *with* her?
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If you think there's a way that this can be worked out then you need to talk to her and let her know, honestly and openly what your thoughts and hopes are, and see if she can accept them, all the time being prepared to accept that she might not be able or want to.
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Ultimately only you can decide what is best for you - but basically it comes down to accepting it's over and giving yourself that time and space to grieve and move on, or seeing if something can be worked out that you are *both* going to be happy with.

[Re****]

Best advice is honesty. Be direct. Own your feelings. Think about needs first, try and be honest with yourself. If it’s unclear - which it sounds like it is - you should take time to talk with someone who’s kink-aware to figure that out before demanding she do anything.

It’s normal to develop feelings, if you can’t handle those feelings you either need to step back and process so you can be clear, or you need to be forthright and draw clear boundaries. Personal Responsibility.

Recognize whether you can actually handle and be happy for her choices (compersion) or whether you have other needs you want to be met. Be direct with her about these needs, and make sure you REALLY listen to hers.

Respect her choices, know that power exchange can take time to evolve, and if things deepen be honest and direct about what you can and can’t handle, pretending isn’t good for anyone.

[CopperKnob]

This is why you vet and have good communication, to make sure both parties are on the same page else you both end up with hurt emotions and lots of questions after the fact.

[Lo****]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I will give my 2 cents from MY perspective.
It feels as though you had a great connection and when you were in the moment it flowed beautifully. Communication is key so shutting down, although natural when feeling ***, blocked the flow between you both. She felt silly for sharing her feelings and you in some way felt betrayed.
My suggestion would be to reach out and be open have a frank conversation without ***, judgement or jumping towards the future. It is challenging- especially now to find someone you truly connect with. Just be open about what you want clear and conscience then ask if she shares your vision.
My opinion. Good luck hon

[Re****]

The Ds hierarchy is based on:

Subs needs
Doms needs
Doms wants
Subs wants

Tell her what you want in no uncertain terms. If that means you lose her so be it. She should want to meet your needs and wants, but you should expect to meet her needs first.

Don’t say you’re fine with something if you’re not, but equally don’t imagine that just because you want it means you’re going to get it.. beyond any dynamic is a human being with free will.

[Deleted Member]

Hey Roman, I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. As someone in a similar situation where there's tons of chemistry but the lifestyle is a deal breaker (where I'm on the lifestyle side of the fence). She needs to respect that you have certain boundaries. But you also need to respect that she is who she is. It sounds like for the sake of your mutual chemistry you were both willing to try but given she has gone back on her word my advice is to stop persuing her.

In the short term it will be ***ful, especially if you think about her a lot. But in the long run either she will continue to hurt you with her involvement in her lifestyle or you will hurt her because she will be repressing a part of her that might not be repressable. So being in *** now will save you much more *** later (not to mention drama).

I wish you the best and if you need someone to talk it out with I'm happy to lend an ear

[VILKDUJA]

I'm not saying that she hadn't maybe got genuine feelings for you, but to me, someone saying they were willing to give up their entire lifestyle for you in so short a space of time after only a couple of meets would make me highly skeptical, concerned & I'd view it as a huge red flag. I think you acted the right way & as difficult as it may be for you, try to accept that this is someone with whom things just wouldn't have worked out & it wasn't meant to be. Your thoughts & feelings will subside the more time paases, although it may not be easy for a while. Just try your best to look ahead & move forward.

[Ho****]

First, sorry for what you're experiencing. But there's a huge gap at a key point. You write that the woman offered to cut off other relationships, but you never say whether you took her up on the offer. You only write that you later told her you didn't want to change her lifestyle. But you do, right?

If it's torturing you this much, ask if her offer is still open. Get a straight yes or no and give yourself clarity and closure.

[do****]

Lots to comment on here but I'll be brief. Most you can ever do is communicate your intentions. If the other person says they feel the same or share the same intentions you're usually gravy, but if the actions don't line up - vocalize that. If nothing changes then clearly their words and their actions don't match and you probably shouldn't stick with that person (based on what you communicated and how you are). If you can deal with her doing side stuff then that's something you gotta wrestle with but figure out what you want, communicate it and go from there.

Sounds like not a healthy relationship unless there is trust and communication though.

[It****]

If she says shes willing to give up that lifestyle, why dont you give her the opportunity to do so. You might be a "way out" for her and that relationship.

[Deleted Member]

It all sounds very typical. Chemistry is there. Similiar kink likes are there. The glitch seems to be that you are being drawn to a monogamous connection that never existed. 

[Deleted Member]

If you really like her you two can make things work!
Not the best advice, but you know what to do!

[Deleted Member]

Honestly dude it sounds like you've hit the jackpot. Finding someone that you have a real connection with who also shares your kinks is a real prize that's worth fighting for.
The fact you have been unable to get her out of your head says how you really feel.
Now the fact she brought up the photoshoot out of nowhere most likely means she was thinking about it and wanted to talk to you about it ect. This makes me feel she wants to be open and honest with you and is willing to try.
Naturally you are looking at this objectively and trying to calculate if it will work or not (which is perfectly normal) however you can't calculate how she feels and if she is truly willing to go all in in this.
Sadly giving this a go is opening yourself up to the chance of being hurt. But it's also giving you a shot at some real happiness.
Just think about this, if you have spent a week thinking about her how likely is it that you will spend a lot longer regretting this if you end it?
Often in life we morn the paths we didn't take more than the ones we did.

[Gh****]

alot to take in here. but in short, how deeply you feel for her do you see a long term relationship? I know she has said she would change her lifestyle to be with you right, but you can talk abt it what part you feel she shouldnt do, eg this cnc photo why don't you be the sexual side of it instead another guy

[Ae****]

Sorry about what's happening :/ where you are right now is not a fun place at all 😔
You need to create your own fulfillment - if you're thinking about her constantly, you should mourn the end of the relationship, let yourself be sad/angry about the loss when you feel it, but also be engaged in activities that help you forget and move on. Listen to new, happy, aggressive music, workout, get the feel good chemicals into your brain and body, move your furniture around, take up something new, travel and explore somewhere new alone, everything new new new. It'll take time - you're getting over a kind of addiction. You're mind sees happiness in her - you are going to let it know that you have happiness in yourself already.
Also give some consideration as to why you allowed yourself to feel so deeply about someone who you also knew you didn't want. This isn't a situation that's OK to repeat, and it is totally avoidable. You don't have clear personal emotional boundaries - you did well to end the relationship, but in yourself you were attracted to her in the first place and also let yourself become deeply attached - that was unnecessary *** for you and whoever your getting into a relationship with and you do not want or need to do it again.
Keep going, hang in there, well done for ending it, and for asking for help. You're doing well and you'll feel fine eventually. You'll appreciate what the experience taught you for your life eventually, it's invaluable to you 💪❤️

[DarkArts1066]

Always a difficult call this one. From my perspective, and with my experiences as a point of reference, I can tell you with certainty that you will regret not following up on her suggestion of putting aside her current lifestyle for you. What you should try to remember is that none of us are born into this lifestyle… we grow into it as it nurtures us…. And leaving it - for her, may well be the same process. You mention the CNC scene that she (wants?) to go ahead with…. Are you ok with her pursuing this ?
If not, ask yourself why not.
If it’s for reasons of her own safety, then talk through the safety protocols (safe words etc) that are in place. Perhaps that will quiet your mind.?
If it’s a more personal thing…. ie jealousy, then you need to talk that through too. Maybe, if you could stand to be there, you could be part of her safety protocol, and accompany her ?

Is her Photographer the same Transgender Domme who ***s her (with her consent - I assume?)
Is she a model - and is this a ‘work’ assignment ?… or is this a relationship she has with a photographer for their mutual enjoyment ?

It seems to me that you both need to be honest and talk this one through extensively. I *** you may well lose out on a life changing opportunity though (for both of you) if you walk away from this person. She seems to be a perfect match for you in many ways.

I hope that helps - feel free to message me if you want to discuss with someone impartial…. I have previously engaged in a full relationship with someone I initially met purely for our mutual sexual gratification.

DarkArts

[Ig****]

Keep yourself and your feelings safe. Talking from experience. Birds come and go. Will be complicated at first but you’ll get there.

[bi****]

Dodgy sexual engagements come and go, but relationships based on mutual affection last forever. Take up the offer of giving up her (rather extreme IMHO) lifestyle, and then see what you can do to offer her the kind of experiences she is into, but from a position fo total trust and safety that would allow her to lose control in ways that no sane person would with strangers.

CNC with a pervy photographer (yeah, "set the scene" lol) is nothing compared to being in a relationship where CNC can become a norm.

[so****]

Idk man lol I'm 36 & I've had both a 22 yr old & an 18 yr old sub over the past couple years & I swore never again would I have one so young. That generation views the world in an ENTIRELY different way than we do. Not only were they ***fully inexperienced lol but the cultural differences alone made me want to pull my hair out 😂not to mention the 18 yr old couldn't even have a drink with me 🤣like, holy shit... That was a rough couple of months. But me being a man, of course ill never learn lol I recently met a drop dead GORGEOUS 19 yr old who's never been a true sub before & it looks like I'll be learning those hard lessons all over again lol idk. But that generation is so much different than we are. It's staggering... Good luck though 👍

[Deleted Member]

Clam kick er’

[sw****]

As someone who is close to that age, it takes patience with us...but we can also be insanely passionate. Yes we value our heart over our head and that can be dangerous but I will say you did the right thing in breaking ties. You did what was best for her

[Deleted Member]

I wonder if you're seeking validation as to whether you made the right decision or if you're pursuing general advice that gives you new perspective. If it's okie, I'd like to offer the latter.

As you mentioned, you're skipping a lot because there is too much to write. I can't give advice without understanding both sides, but I can kudos you for recognizing your emotions. When you're sensitive in any form, the moments are enhanced. The highs are euphoric and the lows are devastating. You found a connection and felt something incredible. You learned more about your wants and needs on a deeper level than physical pleasure. My bestie likes to say, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." Reflecting is indicative of emotional maturity. You'll know what course of action to take next once you've fully processed this experience.

Daijoubu 😊 You found something you didn't know existed. Who knows what you'll discover next? I don't know if any of this was helpful in its optimistic ambiguity, but I'm wishing you all the best!

[gi****]

I mean I think it honestly takes time. As a sub myself, it’s hard for me to open up fully to someone but when I do and they leave it hurts infinitely worse. I don’t quite know what to tell you except that we’re all here for you and hope that you feel better. It just takes time I guess.

[Ro****]

2 hours ago, purelykai said:

I wonder if you're seeking validation as to whether you made the right decision or if you're pursuing general advice that gives you new perspective. If it's okie, I'd like to offer the latter.

As you mentioned, you're skipping a lot because there is too much to write. I can't give advice without understanding both sides, but I can kudos you for recognizing your emotions. When you're sensitive in any form, the moments are enhanced. The highs are euphoric and the lows are devastating. You found a connection and felt something incredible. You learned more about your wants and needs on a deeper level than physical pleasure. My bestie likes to say, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." Reflecting is indicative of emotional maturity. You'll know what course of action to take next once you've fully processed this experience.

Daijoubu 😊 You found something you didn't know existed. Who knows what you'll discover next? I don't know if any of this was helpful in its optimistic ambiguity, but I'm wishing you all the best!

Wow, I really needed to read this. It’s hard to explain but you definitely hit the nail on the head with everything that you said. I’m a mess, lol. Thank you for your insight and mentally mature view on my little situation 🙌