Experienced Dom or newbie?

[Deleted Member]

I have been having a discussion recently with another woman sub about the relative merits of starting relationships with either experienced Doms or newbies.

 

My only experiences so far are the year I spent with my Dom, who had at least one long-term D/s relationship under his belt, and a more recent couple of dates with a Dom who claimed to have 20 years in the lifestyle. On the other hand, the other sub has had recent experiences with a couple of men new to the lifestyle. 

 

Both of my experienced partners seemed confident of their role, but when their skills failed to make things happen for me, they were also both unwilling to listen to my ideas, respectfully suggested, as to what might work (given I have 56 years experience of this body and this somewhat awkward ADHD head). The latter especially had a one-size-fits-all attitude and an expectation that if he just kept repeating the same actions, eventually I would realise what was expected of me and he would get the outcome he wanted (which, tired old cliche that it is, is said to be the definition of madness). 

 

The other woman’s experiences with newbies have been varied but, on the whole, a bit more positive. There is a willingness to learn and experiment, an acceptance that they don’t know it all. Of course, there is also hesitancy, less confidence, less skills and the fact that they require guidance, which as a sub, might not come naturally. 

 

We thought it would be interesting to hear about other people’s experiences and preferences. 
 

Cheers, Lock

[Deleted Member]

But one size doesnt fit all, not for me anyway, as we are all so different, so ***y unique that each and every individual relationship/dynamic can be just as unique. I think in any relationship/dynamic compromise and an ability to actually listen or accept the nuances of a partner are key. What works for one may not necessarily work for another so to stick solely to ones own perception of how things should be is limiting and can also severely restrict different options. It's the same old story of onewayism.......my way or the highway with some who are unwilling to see the very real truths placed in front of them. I think how one behaves or reacts very much depends on the individual relationship/dynamic and the needs of both partners within that connection, and flexibility is key.

[Deleted Member]

I'm not sure if it's experienced vs inexperienced. I think it's more maybe style and mindset? While I am new to the scene I am not new to the lifestyle. My mindset is has that it's the Dom's job to help the sub find triggers and push their limits (if they want to push). Also, not all Dom's and subs match, that's where the style part comes in. The Dom side is it's my choice of triggers to use, which limits get pushed, all part of the control. It shouldn't be "this is to be your trigger, and this is how far I'm pushing your limit". Very closed minded Dom

[ge****]

I don't think it comes down to experienced vs inexperienced as such (though there are things to be said about the relative merits of both) - it's more about finding people on the same wavelength and thinking, regardless of their experience.
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You could take your whole OP minus the kink related points and apply it to *any* relationship.
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It's something I think is often overlooked in the lifestyle in favour of the specifics of someone's kink views.
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Don't get me wrong someone's views on kink are important, but more important are their views as a person and compatibility with any prospective partner, along with attraction, chemistry, connection and all those other values we apply to any prospective relationship. Similarly the ability to communicate openly and honestly come into it too.
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And *all* of that is regardless of whether someone is experienced or inexperienced, dominant or submissive, their gender and sexuality.

[Go****]

I have never played with an inexperienced Dom, but have had three partners that have had years of experience. Thankfully, none have met my thoughts or suggestions with a stubborn mindset, and have been open to doing things differently.
Personally, I prefer to play/enter a dynamic with a more experienced D-type, for a couple of reasons; the first being that I need to feel more secure with someone experienced due to past relationships, and the second because I'm not very good at telling my D what I want/need, so there's no chance I'd be able to guide them.
When vetting, one of my lines of enquiry is to discover what type of Dom they are, making suggestions and offering scenarios in an attempt to find out. Of course, this isn't foolproof; the last person I played with wasn't able to figure out my triggers etc.
I think it all comes down to personality and their attitude to things in general; if they are generally quite a stubborn person, I would imagine they're less likely to be open to an s-types solutions.

[MissTakenDeep]

To be honest, everything I’m going to say has already been touched on here…

Experience and mindset are very different things and I think there are many D types, both new and experienced that act like entitled bosses and demand their subs cater to them and fit their perception of how everything should be. That kind of dynamic could never work for me personally.

Also mentioned is the ability to read a sub that can’t communicate very well. Experience may help here, but a perceptive, caring D type needs time to figure out any new subs ‘tells’ anyway, so it’s not too different than a newer dominant learning their subs limits and communication style.

My biggest concern with newer D types lack of experience, would be a possible lack of psychological understanding about my sexual needs, the aftercare needs that are SO important, the patience needed to build trust, the misconceptions they might have to unlearn about s types in general and my particular type of submission. I’d need to know they were both somewhat educated and willing to learn.

I don’t think more experience is necessarily better as each dynamic is unique so each experience is unique, both D and S types have to be slightly flexible to a degree at the beginning or it’s destined to fail.

[ol****]

I know a tiny bit about this and it takes time for things to click.

Because all relationships are bound to be different there is not a one size fits all solution.

Therefore the conversation and the development of the dynamic is always going to be important.

In particular any D who arrives with a "formula" is highly likely to blunder into trouble.

[Deleted Member]

@Lockfairy when their skills failed to make things happen for me, they were also both unwilling to listen to my ideas, respectfully suggested, as to what might work (given I have 56 years experience of this body.... I really understand your experiences. I am going through the same things, but differently. I wonder, are they THAT hard headed?🤔

[Deleted Member]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this. 
 

I agree that it’s not as cut and dried as experienced v newbie. Attitude, willingness to learn and grow, as well as compatibility and an understanding that compromise is necessary are perhaps more important but, though I’ve come a long way since I started, I still have a lot to learn in terms of expressing myself, so maybe stick with experience for now. Also, as a newbie myself, and not very assertive of my own needs at the start, I felt I needed lots of guidance. I’m still not sure I would want to be without that when the time comes when I feel ready to try again. 
 

Food for thought. x

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

I have never played with an inexperienced Dom, but have had three partners that have had years of experience. Thankfully, none have met my thoughts or suggestions with a stubborn mindset, and have been open to doing things differently.
Personally, I prefer to play/enter a dynamic with a more experienced D-type, for a couple of reasons; the first being that I need to feel more secure with someone experienced due to past relationships, and the second because I'm not very good at telling my D what I want/need, so there's no chance I'd be able to guide them.
When vetting, one of my lines of enquiry is to discover what type of Dom they are, making suggestions and offering scenarios in an attempt to find out. Of course, this isn't foolproof; the last person I played with wasn't able to figure out my triggers etc.
I think it all comes down to personality and their attitude to things in general; if they are generally quite a stubborn person, I would imagine they're less likely to be open to an s-types solutions.

I’m also not very good at telling someone what I want/need, partly because I’m just shy at expressing myself, but also because I’m still learning what works. 
 

For all the problems and the turmoil, I wouldn’t have missed my time with my Dom for the world, but I recognise that I need to be more thorough in future when it comes to vetting. 

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, MissTakenDeep said:

To be honest, everything I’m going to say has already been touched on here…

Experience and mindset are very different things and I think there are many D types, both new and experienced that act like entitled bosses and demand their subs cater to them and fit their perception of how everything should be. That kind of dynamic could never work for me personally.

Also mentioned is the ability to read a sub that can’t communicate very well. Experience may help here, but a perceptive, caring D type needs time to figure out any new subs ‘tells’ anyway, so it’s not too different than a newer dominant learning their subs limits and communication style.

My biggest concern with newer D types lack of experience, would be a possible lack of psychological understanding about my sexual needs, the aftercare needs that are SO important, the patience needed to build trust, the misconceptions they might have to unlearn about s types in general and my particular type of submission. I’d need to know they were both somewhat educated and willing to learn.

I don’t think more experience is necessarily better as each dynamic is unique so each experience is unique, both D and S types have to be slightly flexible to a degree at the beginning or it’s destined to fail.
 

Thanks. Interesting points.
 

Some of my vanilla partners have been very quick to learn about my needs so maybe I shouldn’t write inexperienced partners off so quickly. So long as they are doing the research, maybe there’s no reason why it couldn’t work. 

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, oldfellow said:

I know a tiny bit about this and it takes time for things to click.

Because all relationships are bound to be different there is not a one size fits all solution.

Therefore the conversation and the development of the dynamic is always going to be important.

In particular any D who arrives with a "formula" is highly likely to blunder into trouble.

Yep. The moment he mansplained my route to orgasm to me was the clincher 😂

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, kiseu said:

@Lockfairy when their skills failed to make things happen for me, they were also both unwilling to listen to my ideas, respectfully suggested, as to what might work (given I have 56 years experience of this body.... I really understand your experiences. I am going through the same things, but differently. I wonder, are they THAT hard headed?🤔

I spent months asking for small changes and kept getting put off with reasons why it couldn’t happen yet. He never said he couldn’t or didn’t want to (which would have been kinder), there was just the constant prevarication until I realised he was never going to. I could see it was a genuine struggle for him so I tried not to push too hard, but eventually, he just used to shut down if I even tried to ***l back a corner of that conversation. I ended up writing everything down in an email in the end and that was the beginning of the end. I sincerely hope you have better results. 

[Deleted Member]

Ohhh... he was the guy you were so devoted to?! You being tied up, and him looking on the internet was cute, and very funny!!😁 Back to sadness... hard headed always ruins relationships.😔

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, kiseu said:

Ohhh... he was the guy you were so devoted to?! You being tied up, and him looking on the internet was cute, and very funny!!😁 Back to sadness... hard headed always ruins relationships.😔

Yes, that’s the one. We both loved everything else about what we had, then he threw it away. Back to sadness. 😔

[Deleted Member]

It doesn't matter experienced or newbie Ds requires communication between the D and s. If the Dom doesn't listen how can they understand and develop work that sub.

I am ancient been at this for many decades but I am still learning, and every relationship I have ever had has been unique in not only what play works best with that partner but also how to work with that partner to get the best from the relationship.

Sorry if I sound like a pompous twat.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Marc1 said:

It doesn't matter experienced or newbie Ds requires communication between the D and s. If the Dom doesn't listen how can they understand and develop work that sub.

I am ancient been at this for many decades but I am still learning, and every relationship I have ever had has been unique in not only what play works best with that partner but also how to work with that partner to get the best from the relationship.

Sorry if I sound like a pompous twat.

You don’t sound pompous at all. You sound perfectly reasonable. 
 

I will, however, take issue with you claiming to be ancient. If you are ancient, I am ancient -6 and I utterly refute and refuse to be ancient for at least another 30 years, thank you!

[Deleted Member]

@LockfairyIt happens. To mildly put, it stings. Somebody said making lemons into lemonades. I guess it's time to drink lemonades, but with honey.🐝🍯

[Deleted Member]

Oh my word! That is beyond sad. I'm so sorry Lock. My mantra is that it's the Sub's Kink, her way every single day of the afternoon. By all means suggest, maybe even cajole at times, lead, follow just let the woman have the best fun ever. I get off on my girl getting off. That is all that ever matters to me, her satisfaction. It must be fun, intense, deep and meaningful. You are the prize. One hell of a prize. Shove your ego in your back pocket and be damn grateful for what you have. xxxxx

[ap****]

Very well said

[to****]

I am still a newbie and wants to experiment more things

[Deleted Member]

I’m a new dom and it’s nice to know that it’s okay to switch things up to please the sub!

[to****]

3 hours ago, dddavid said:

I’m a new dom and it’s nice to know that it’s okay to switch things up to please the sub!

Yes I agree.

[Deleted Member]

Gentlemen please!!  

Research, research, research. 

Google 

Submissiveguide

Then Dominantguide

The poor ladies are always put under consideration,  in training etc.  Who trains the Doms and Masters?  

Nobody, they just make it up as they go along. If you are lucky enough to have a Sub,  consider this. She's female, 50% of the population. She's Kinky,  5% of the population. She shares your Kinks enough to make it worthwhile 0.1% of the population.  She has a very high sex drive 0.001%.

You are dealing with the elite of the elite of the elite of the elite. So yes,  maybe you should pay a huge amount of attention to what your girl wants even more to what she doesn't want. 

You have a perfect,  delicate ,porcelain vase in your hands. Don't be clumsy and drop it. 

It's all about the Sub. You are guaranteed to get your rocks off in a way you never dreamed possible. Treasure what you have. 

Peace. 

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, dddavid said:

I’m a new dom and it’s nice to know that it’s okay to switch things up to please the sub!

You just have to communicate with them!