Why I Refuse to Be Silent About Explicit Fet Messages

[CopperKnob]

If you speak about your dick-pic-inappropriate-explicit-message infested inbox on Fet, there will always be some people who tell you to stop complaining. What's one dickhead in the grand scheme of things, they'll ask. Just be quiet and move on. It's no big deal. Why do you feel the need to call them out?

The trouble is, is that *** culture isn't just one dickhead. There are thousands of them, but for the sake of our apologists, let's pretend he's one man. Let's call him Bob.

You first meet Bob when he shouts crude things at you on your way to class at school. He snaps your bra at break time. He looks up your netball skirt in PE. He pinxhes your arse and pushes you against a wall at a party. If you're lucky, you'll get away.

Bob doesn't grow up when school ends. He's there on the tube trying to grope you in a crowd. By the time you turn 21, Bob will have become a constant presence in your life, but you still have the luxury of patience, so you say nothing and quash your irritation.

By the time you turn 30, Bob will have sent you hundreds of unsolicited dick pics. At this stage, he might even have flashed you, or worse ***d you, and that makes those dick pics particularly hard to take. You don't want to drown in your own anger though, so you work through it in therapy and return to your silence.

As the world moves online, Bob follows you onto social media. From the comfort of his own home, he can reach you a lot more frequently, and that wears thin after a while. After years of silence, you start to learn that other women are dealing with Bob, too. *** culture is oppressive, but you find out that it gets lighter when we speak to one another about it.

When we realise the universality of the problem, it becomes easier to carry. When we judge those who contribute to *** culture, we finally stop judging ourselves. When we call them out, their behaviour loses its power. When we unravel the irrationality of their beliefs, we see the rationality in our response. When we other them, they become more distant, and we can get back to our right of feeling comfortable in our own skin.

There are so many reasons that I speak out, and all of them are more relevant than any reason/s for insisting on our silence which, and lets be honest, generally amount to,
"you're on the internet"
"you're on a kink site"
"you're being disrespectful"
"just ignore it".

I'm not goung to ignore it. I'm protesting against a culture that's been in our lives for decades. You're protesting against an internet post you don't agree with, but sure, we're the ones being pathetic. We're the ones who should be quiet.

Those who complain about my writing always have one universal accusation: I, and the others that share similar views in the comments are 'petty'.

Complaining about bigotry is not inherently bigoted. It assigns misogyny to an act. It doesn't assign an act to an entire gender. There's a world of difference between the two.

Let's say I go to a resturant and my steak is under cooked. I complain and sent the meal back. I'm complaining about the meal, not the whole menu and certainly not the whole damn establishment.

If Bob represented the entire sex, I would be bigoted. Bob doesn't, though. Thankfully. He is simply a symbol of *** culture.

But, since all those that are Bob's friends believe so much in being quiet and moving on, I trust we don't have a problem. Talking about a bit of writing on the internet would just be petty, after all

____________________________________________________

Don't believe in *** culture? You don't know anyone who'll do any of that ☝️? Have a look at a study called

Denying *** but Endorsing ***ful Intercourse: Exploring Differences Among Responders

And tell me there's no such thing.

[Su****]

Praise those words

[Deleted Member]

Well done. Well said. 
 

Half the population’s lived experience so often dismissed by so many of the other half. 

[Pr****]

I can understand and appreciate your view on this, I have seen in real life how denying unwanted attention or that it has happened has split my extended family. Because some sided one way and others sided another way. 

[Deviant_Ric]

So well put, as eloquently as ever, and completely relevant. All the time there are still those who deny the effect on the victim of misogyny, or worse still downplay it, we will continue to breed this behaviour.
It is actually not complicated at all, and really simple: it is never, under any circumstances, ever ok to consider another person’s feelings as irrelevant; don’t be like Bob.

[MissTakenDeep]

As always, your post has touched a trigger button for me..,I adore the way you speak out and your creative writing reaches people on a different level…please don’t EVER stop sharing your opinions 💙💙


For me, Bob is created by society, protected by society in the weirdest way and probably learnt most of his skills directly from his dad 😐


I wish I could say my first experience was Bob shouting on the school run or snapping my bra.. my first experience was with Bob’s dad 😓


I’ve found many people on here to have similar stories, being ***d at a very young age by a grown arse man…so by the time little Bob junior starts being too pushy and learns the manipulative tactics he uses to make you say ‘yes’, it actually feels like you were given a choice in comparison to what Bob senior did, so for many women…realising how many times you’ve said yes when you didn’t really want to can be difficult to accept and unfortunately, men don’t EVER seem to understand when they’ve put a woman in this situation. It isn’t just ignored, it’s completely un acknowledged. They walk happy they’ve had a sack empty and presume you were also thrilled by the encounter 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️.

I applaud you speaking out on this…,and I wonder how many ‘predators’ will take offence!

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, MissTakenDeep said:

As always, your post has touched a trigger button for me..,I adore the way you speak out and your creative writing reaches people on a different level…please don’t EVER stop sharing your opinions 💙💙


For me, Bob is created by society, protected by society in the weirdest way and probably learnt most of his skills directly from his dad 😐


I wish I could say my first experience was Bob shouting on the school run or snapping my bra.. my first experience was with Bob’s dad 😓


I’ve found many people on here to have similar stories, being ***d at a very young age by a grown arse man…so by the time little Bob junior starts being too pushy and learns the manipulative tactics he uses to make you say ‘yes’, it actually feels like you were given a choice in comparison to what Bob senior did, so for many women…realising how many times you’ve said yes when you didn’t really want to can be difficult to accept and unfortunately, men don’t EVER seem to understand when they’ve put a woman in this situation. It isn’t just ignored, it’s completely un acknowledged. They walk happy they’ve had a sack empty and presume you were also thrilled by the encounter 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️.

I applaud you speaking out on this…,and I wonder how many ‘predators’ will take offence!

Bob's dad, grandad, uncles. It is societal and just as they learnt from their elders, we were taught as young girls to laugh it off.
I very much doubt that there are any females that have not been ***ed in some way whether they recognise it for what it is.
There's one right there . I reckon it'll be a post that identifies who should be on my block list for sure.

[MissTakenDeep]

5 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Bob's dad, grandad, uncles. It is societal and just as they learnt from their elders, we were taught as young girls to laugh it off.
I very much doubt that there are any females that have not been ***ed in some way whether they recognise it for what it is.
There's one right there . I reckon it'll be a post that identifies who should be on my block list for sure.

100%.. my block list grows with each topic you post funnily enough!

[CopperKnob]

7 minutes ago, MissTakenDeep said:

It’s just so sad how quickly the whole point of your post was proven.

Ah but, "boys will be boys" 😉

[FETMOD-KF]

Obviously we've had a few reports on the thread for assorted racist and misogynistic comments.

I think there's a definite line between 'free s***ch' and 'blatant racism' and so we've done some housekeeping of the comments, the user, and of comments relating to the user.  

Sometimes it is difficult to get the balance between taking action and allowing balanced debate - but - the comments from the user clearly weren't made in good faith.

[Deviant_Ric]

2 minutes ago, FETMOD-KF said:

Obviously we've had a few reports on the thread for assorted racist and misogynistic comments.

I think there's a definite line between 'free s***ch' and 'blatant racism' and so we've done some housekeeping of the comments, the user, and of comments relating to the user.  

Sometimes it is difficult to get the balance between taking action and allowing balanced debate - but - the comments from the user clearly weren't made in good faith.

Well done for your decisive action. I am really interested in following this thread and was finding it increasingly difficult to curb my anger at several of the comments

[Pr****]

I am glad that was taken down, however it was proof of what the OP stated. Very unfortunate that the ladies had to deal with those comments and obviously this mindset in the real world.

[FETMOD-KF]

For disclosure and transparency.  This was one of the things in weighing up decisions like this.  That some of the inappropriate comments just go to rein*** the points.  

Also. Sometimes I'm concerned that removing some comments gives someone a 'let off' - for example if they approach someone and that person checks their post history and sees some of their awful comments, then that is going to save them pursuing a conversation with someone whose beliefs they are not compatible with. 

[Deleted Member]

*** culture? What about the culture that's evolved where women throw *** charges around like it's nothing and destroying lives with impunity?

Only recently a guy got released after 44 years in prison, after the woman admits she lied, sold a book about the *** and made a fortune.

And the fact is this is more common than not, speak to police officers look around the real world a bit, even seen it happen first hand to one poor bloke.

It's a shame this culture has evolved as the real victims go unheard.

OP It reads like an attempt to blame men for the worlds woe's rather than looking inwards.

 

Bad things happen in the world unfortunately, men and women can be equally cruel lets not forget that fact.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, Tiny_ said:

*** culture? What about the culture that's evolved where women throw *** charges around like it's nothing and destroying lives with impunity?

Only recently a guy got released after 44 years in prison, after the woman admits she lied, sold a book about the *** and made a fortune.

And the fact is this is more common than not, speak to police officers look around the real world a bit, even seen it happen first hand to one poor bloke.

It's a shame this culture has evolved as the real victims go unheard.

OP It reads like an attempt to blame men for the worlds woe's rather than looking inwards.

 

Bad things happen in the world unfortunately, men and women can be equally cruel lets not forget that fact.

This post is about toxic masculinity and *** culture. If you want to discuss women bringing fake *** charges against men, start another topic. 

[ey****]

35 minutes ago, Tiny_ said:

*** culture? What about the culture that's evolved where women throw *** charges around like it's nothing and destroying lives with impunity?

 

False accusations are obviously never acceptable.

But they're often used as a straw argument or an attempt to derail.

In the UK - the report is that 2.5% of *** reports are false.  Obviously anything higher than 0% isn't cool.  But 2.5% is a fairly small percentage and is often overstated by police and prosecutors and often struggles to get a conviction. 

And again, sticking with the UK this is a big problem because things have to be beyond reasonable doubt to get a conviction - in the UK reported ***s returned only a 1.6% conviction rate.

Obviously to be in that venn diagram of being both falsely accused AND convicted would never be acceptable but you see how these are minute and isolated cases rather than 'the norm'.

So - it's like - if 2.5% are false and 1.6% end in a conviction - what happens to the other 96%?  

And in a lot of cases - it might be that police have no reason to disbelieve the report - but there is a lack of evidence so it's not going to go through the courts.

In some cases there might be a lot of pressure and trauma on the victim and so she drops the charges.

Or there are the cases where it does go to court and enough of the Jury cannot be convinced.   And, I've seen cases where 10 out of 12 members of the Jury returned a guilty but the judge requested 11 or all 12 and so just one compromised/bias jury member can end in acquittal.

Now.  The WORST thing about this is people take "no proven" as a black/white "she is making it up" - so when it doesn't go to court, or she drops the charges, or it ends without a majority jury verdict - people default to the "she is making it up" since enough of the jury did not find a guilty verdict - and even when enough of the jury do - we then always have the appeals to deal with and that someone will always wheel out an example of someone who was, sadly, wrongly convicted.

It's interesting we rarely hear the story about the woman who was jailed for false accusations which was then overturned when it turned out she was telling the truth. But, hey ho. Cherry picking.

AND I SAY THIS - I was writing based on female victims and this also ignores that men can be ***d and face exactly the same bullshit as above.  

But the punchline to all of this is that a lot of men KNOW the above and know the odds are in their favour.  So for every little affront for negative behaviour there's a defence or a straw argument.  There's someone who is STILL walking around some of the local kink communities (although is now on a "time out") who even went so far as admitting he "got it wrong" and he gets the apologists of "well, everyone can make a mistake and he's learning from it" even though he clearly isn't cos the same shit keeps happening.  and that is a prime and suitable example.

[CopperKnob]

4 hours ago, Tiny_ said:

*** culture? What about the culture that's evolved where women throw *** charges around like it's nothing and destroying lives with impunity?

Only recently a guy got released after 44 years in prison, after the woman admits she lied, sold a book about the *** and made a fortune.

And the fact is this is more common than not, speak to police officers look around the real world a bit, even seen it happen first hand to one poor bloke.

It's a shame this culture has evolved as the real victims go unheard.

OP It reads like an attempt to blame men for the worlds woe's rather than looking inwards.

 

Bad things happen in the world unfortunately, men and women can be equally cruel lets not forget that fact.

It's clear from your comment that you're passionate about the subject matter you've written about. Passion in your belief system is good.
However, if you read the OP, I make clear that I'm not 'blaming all men' for anything. I'm simply responding to the comments that are made by males (typically) on the writings I've posted in relation to inappropriate behaviours within messages they send to females. Those comments are typically, "don't be so touchy" "ignore it" "don't be so whiny" etc etc. In this post, I've linked that to *** culture. Because, thats exactly what *** culture is, not simply the act of *** but the normalisation of it and other behaviours such as those listed above.
Of course anyone who makes false accusations about anything is also inappropriate behaviour. If i'd experienced it and it was relevant to Fet, I'd probably write and post about that too.
The subject of *** culture I believe is potentially easier to 'hide' within the kink community specifically in terms of D/s relationships. There's certainly more scope to coerce and manipulate s-types. Particularly those who are new or experiencing NRE/sub frenzy.
Eyem, makes the point of knowing of an individual who 'got it wrong'. I know of two others, one of which is still active in the community, the other has probably given themselves a self en***d timeout but will be back without a doubt. Both have there group of supporters who shout down anyone who raises concerns about them.
And therefore, whilst some people may not feel happy with the content of this post and may wish to challenge it, it is very relevant for this arena.

[CopperKnob]

8 hours ago, FETMOD-KF said:

For disclosure and transparency.  This was one of the things in weighing up decisions like this.  That some of the inappropriate comments just go to rein*** the points.  

Also. Sometimes I'm concerned that removing some comments gives someone a 'let off' - for example if they approach someone and that person checks their post history and sees some of their awful comments, then that is going to save them pursuing a conversation with someone whose beliefs they are not compatible with. 

So the comments which were deleted will no longer be displayed as activity on their profile? That's a real shame