Sub/Dom - My Take

[Deleted Member]

A sub is someone who wishes to please their person; be that a boss, parent, lover, other.

A true sub is not a sub to avoid correction but because they actually want to please these people in their lives.

The sub derives pleasure from pleasing others, this is healthy only when that pleasure is appreciated and professed about. The sub needs constant reassurance and positivity when performing in concert with wants and desires. It is extremely draining to be an unsure/new sub.

A true dom is someone who only wants to provide correction because they know the sub wishes to do the best possible job

Due to lack of education and/or personal interest most of the subs and doms I come into contact with are just selfish, And that's the opposite of the entire intent

[Go****]

I'd also like to add my own note to that - it is also extremely draining to be an un/under appreciated sub.

[Deleted Member]

My take is a dom(me) is someone who enjoys being in control and a sub is someone who enjoy giving up control.
My first experience as a sub wasn't draining at all. I didn't require any sort of reassurance either. I instead found it very relaxing to surrender myself.
I do agree there seems to be a lot of selfishness going around, but aside from that, the intent or definition of roles obviously vary between individuals.

[ge****]

I personally dislike the term "true" when applied to dominants or submissives, purely because there is no single definition of what either category is, or how that person came to be how they are - what defines the role are the individuals taking those roles, and the dynamic agreed between them - no-one else defines it.
.
So by that logic there can be no "true" other than "true" to the individuals concerned.
.
Some submissives may be all about taking pleasure from pleasing, some may be all about giving up control, some may purely get off on the *** elements, or the *** or any number of other reasons - and likewise for dominants - none of those reasons are any more wrong or right than each other, they just are for the individuals concerned.

[ey****]

I think it's *a* take but as long as you can also accept it's not the *only* valid take.

In general I hate the word 'true' because it's very binary in the sense that one narrow way is correct and everything else is wrong.   There are many right ways.

Both "sub" and "Dom(me)" are words that are often used as a catch all which can sometimes cause confusion.

5 hours ago, MrDavenportQC said:

A true dom is someone who only wants to provide correction because they know the sub wishes to do the best possible job

The concept of correction isn't something which has to be present in any form of Dominant and submissive relationship.

Some people like it.  For others it just doesn't work.

I think most activities can be split into different categories, all of these from the subs perspective

1 - this is an activity I enjoy

2 - this is an activity which I'm indifferent about or dislike - but - will do for my Dominant as they enjoy it

3 - this is an activity I will not do.

(4 - this is an activity I will do only as a punishment/correction)

These can all be broken down further ("I enjoy this, but don't want to do it every play time", "I will do this for my Dominant but you need to appreciate I don't like it and it is for you and I will get fed up if it's all we seem to do") 

It's true there are subs (and Dominants!) who can be quite selfish or self centred.  Perhaps their idea of serving is "these are all my favourite things" and it's stuff that doesn't wholly benefit the Dominant.

[Du****]

Online world is what it is- shallow selfish toxic environment. I refuse to swing around some deluded narcissist who think i am here ' to serve him' no. In fact Dom is actually serving the sub. And if there is no approval, praise, encouragement, appreciation i lose motivation to be pleasing of course. Dont let anyone here devalue you or make you believe you are sub to just serve and keep your borders untill Dom proves trustworthiness. In this pool full of sick sharks here Doms need to make a big effort to show they are trustworthy. If they have no patience, dont respect your borders you need to move on.

[Pr****]

^^ this.

[Deleted Member]

This sounds more like a master/slave dynamic

[Ri****]

It's interesting that people have different views on what a sub/dom dynamic is

[Ti****]

So there's a rule in bdsm to avoid people who claim there is a "true" sub / Dom role ....due to the nature of the power dynamic, it is essential that it is up to the sub to call the shots, set the boundaries and decide what's ok and what's not and it's the Dom's responsibility to identify and respect those boundaries. Basically the dom needs to have ultimate self control and always hold the sub's needs higher than their own. Then the relationship can evolve to the sub feeling safe enough to be *** and then they will want to please the Dom naturally and not feel pressured into it.

[Deleted Member]

As both this is only a subset of what’s possible in a d/s dynamic. You make some good points but the range of healthy dynamics is actually much broader. For example, as a dom one of my main focuses in a scene is giving my sub pleasure. That may involve punishment or funnishment depending on their submissive style. Outside of a scene my focus is building up their confidence and self worth. How that is done is dependent on one individual. However, that is just my style of dom. There are many others.

At the core d/s is a power exchange that should be about mutual trust. The sub consensually gives control to the dom who receives it consensually. The consent and control can be revoked at any point for any reason.

Negotiations, research and continual communication are a must in dynamics like these. They can be very rewarding and healing but they also pose significant risks.

[th****]

What about subs who like punishment?

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, TinyCakes said:

So there's a rule in bdsm to avoid people who claim there is a "true" sub / Dom role ....due to the nature of the power dynamic, it is essential that it is up to the sub to call the shots, set the boundaries and decide what's ok and what's not and it's the Dom's responsibility to identify and respect those boundaries. Basically the dom needs to have ultimate self control and always hold the sub's needs higher than their own. Then the relationship can evolve to the sub feeling safe enough to be *** and then they will want to please the Dom naturally and not feel pressured into it.

Yes I agree with exactly what you wrote. The "true" word was not meant as an absolute, poor word choice.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

I'd also like to add my own note to that - it is also extremely draining to be an un/under appreciated sub.

Yes I agree, I also cannot stress the importance of aftercare enough, if there isn't enough time for aftercare, don't do a session, period.

[Mi****]

Oh pontiff, the lack of gray in your vision stopped me from reading post the second paragraph. So sorry. Good luck

[su****]

Is how I know I'm a submissive, I am naturally so in any relationship where I feel secure. It is my demeaner.

[Deleted Member]

I came into BDSM with a similar attitude that “submissive” meant “pleaser”. There are lots of people who identify as subs primarily because they want to be a passive object and they like the idea of being desired and used. This, in my mind, was never what classified as submission, but submission would be about being a more active pleaser. However, loads (maybe even the majority) of people who identify as subs are passive rather than pleasers, and I think it’s a lot easier to just have a proper conversation about personal definitions and desires than if is to try and *** a term on people.

[ca****]

As a sub but prefer slave I only derive
My pleasure from pleasing my mistress not being indulgently selfish myself

[sexwith-aghost13]

I started to notice I was more submissive in Bdsm because I realized I was submissive in life. I was always aiming to do my best for myself and others, my love language is gift giving but homemade stuff and it always made me so happy to please others by giving them things I made, I would always blush or feel really happy being told I was good and I always felt I could do my best with words of encouragement and praise :)

[sexwith-aghost13]

It is the total opposite of my personality tho so it was super confusing at first because when it came to activism and life choices I have always been dominant but when it comes to people I love I just wanna be good and please but only if you earn it !

[wa****]

I'm a sub, I love to please, yes I do... the men I run into want

[Deleted Member]

@Celestial-Succubus
I understand how you feel .
That is literally me as well.
But some people don’t understand it and think you are just strong headed .
Some times when you’ve been single for a long time,or just being new to a new dynamic or bdsm as a whole,it is a lot to take in .
That constant reassurance and understanding is key .
Also no matter how natural the submissive nature comes to anyone,it is a lot to trust people and so the early stages are really fragile.

[ne****]

I'm a people pleaser going out of my way to make others happy my dom is helping me to be more confident and vocal about what I want and need

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, newnan628 said:

I'm a people pleaser going out of my way to make others happy my dom is helping me to be more confident and vocal about what I want and need

This makes me smile, that is exactly what I think a dom is for, best wishes to you both 🥰

[fl****]

Hey I can dig what your saying. There does need to be mutual respect for boundaries.