What to do when you can't find partners

[Cu****]

As i have possibility to look at stats on a specific kinky site, i know how members have listed them self in most a specs, i did a backwards calc of what i was looking for, a female of similar age n some simple odds n ends, and of around 2k members it was like one, and i know that one as married and in a relation since 20years. So basically its zero on that site. Many sites filled with users that not been on it for many years 'a site' wont name as likely gets removed, have a used that not been on it for over 10years, as ive talked to them on another site. There are many abandoned profiles on most sites.

[co****]

I stopped telling people I was disabled out the gate. I then started getting messages. So I no longer disclose my *** until later in the game. Seemed to help me out. My closing point is list only the positive and let them find the negative if there is any.

[Wi****]

Bruh this app is weird I get hella matches and energy on Tinder but this space is empty af and I bought premium like a dummy… even bumble I get action…. Everybody did super faraway

[Cu****]

basically dont feel bad if not found anyone on a fetish sites.

I found the lonely and looking been mostly 18 to 26 year girls on them, else it mostly guys 18 to 101 years and 101 year girls in antartica.

Enjoy the coming summer

[Deleted Member]

Thought I'd add my tuppence. I'm fairly active in the Lobby and I comment in the forum quite a bit. I have a lot of pics and a fully filled out profile. Because of all of this, I get quite a few messages. Most of them are respectful and polite, quite a few of them take the time to try and write something interesting. Still, I'm waiting. The kink pool is much smaller than the general dating pool. Reduce the numbers down to in my area, around my age and the right role (brat tamer/ Dom), and the number is very small. Then the actual questions start: do we click? Are they funny? Am I attracted? Do they like me? Am I what they're looking for?

With a basic list of criteria and a few key questions, my "quite a few message" whittles down to almost nothing. And I sit within one of the larger kink group (Dom and female sub). I should have an "easy time" if we're ranking difficulty. But it's personal and if you're looking for something meaningful, it has to be right. As someone said above, patience and put yourself out there as much as you can. Then hope.

[Deleted Member]

Lady_Char is the Bomb. My 2 cents

[Deleted Member]

If I'm being real, i have the same problem. I am upfront, honest, & everything. But all I ever find are bots, fake accounts begging for ***, or I meet someome who is disgusted with my fetishes.

It never fails. Its a *** to try meeting other kinksters. Especially where I live. Its impossible to find anyone near me who has any interest in this stuff.

[Mi****]

Of course its difficult. I have exquisite taste. Why would it be easy?

[po****]

Iv tried to talk to people here but it a little hard

[ge****]

The other thing to remember here comes down to basic logic/statistics - say you pass 100 people of your attraction group in the street, of those 100 people, maybe 10 you will find attractive.
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By applying the same logic, maybe 10% of those will find you attractive also, so you're down to 1 person already based on looks alone and before you've even got to talk to them and see if there's compatability.
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Apply the same logic to sites like this and you can see how chances are limited regardless of gender etc.
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Now 10% was a number I plucked from the air but even if you increase it to 50% and factor in compatability etc the final number is still pretty low.

[ge****]

7 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

To add to this, I think that theres a real misconception that women have an easier time dating when the reality is that that's really not true. We may get more 'attention' but, it's mostly the unwanted type

Absolutely - a lot is made on sites like this that women have it "easier", they don't, they have it "different" for sure - but with that comes their own set of difficulties to contend with that are just as problematic as the "difficulties" men face.
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Ultimately it comes down to each of us as individuals, regardless of gender, to find the best approach for ourselves.

[Ki****]

You can try what I do, go to a bar… drink way to much… then loudly announce “Omg my p***y is so wet and I’m sooooo horny. I think I drank wayyyy to much” and wait ten seconds.

[Lo****]

7 hours ago, WildCardSolly said:

Bruh this app is weird I get hella matches and energy on Tinder but this space is empty af and I bought premium like a dummy… even bumble I get action…. Everybody did super faraway

You signed up three days ago! 

You can’t compare this site to sites like Tinder and Bumble. There are men on this site who’ve barely had a nibble after two years, so complaining after three days just shows you to have unrealistic expectations or to be far too impatient.

[ey****]

8 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

To add to this, I think that theres a real misconception that women have an easier time dating when the reality is that that's really not true. We may get more 'attention' but, it's mostly the unwanted type

At the risk of projection, or being out of turn, I often feel women can't win on dating sites.

I mean I'm not just on about if someone doesn't interest you then hitting ignore gets you moaned it, not replying gets moaned at, and replying "sorry, I'm not interested" also gets you moaned at.

But

The assumption sites favour women - men confusing "she has more choice so can afford to be picky" with "there are so many men but none of them meet the basics" and "actually finding someone compatible is hard for everyone"

So, I dunno, I am married but my wife knows I'm here. This means no matter whether anyone thinks I'm great or not, I can't offer a mono relationship.  I live in the North-East of the UK and while I am willing to travel I'm constrained by a budget which means anyone who would at least want to see me semi-regular would have to live local.  There was someone who I had very good talks with here who was not local and was also not mono, so the concept of me travelling to see her as and when we could both meet would suit us both, but in itself this a rare.  

So I'm not saying I'm bad - I am saying there are a lot of people whose basic wants I don't meet. There are other guys who are also the same and it doesn't make them bad either - but - then some will message anyway hoping that the recipient can be magically flexible or change what they are looking for drastically,  so yep it might be a lovely well thought out message - but someone who is still unsuitable and "thought out" didn't include "am I even what she is looking for"

Then there is the problem that if a woman does mention it is difficult to find a partner on a site (which it is, it's difficult for everyone) she gets a bunch of chancers trying their luck which just adds to the frustration.  

 

[Lo****]

3 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

At the risk of projection, or being out of turn, I often feel women can't win on dating sites.

I mean I'm not just on about if someone doesn't interest you then hitting ignore gets you moaned it, not replying gets moaned at, and replying "sorry, I'm not interested" also gets you moaned at.

But

The assumption sites favour women - men confusing "she has more choice so can afford to be picky" with "there are so many men but none of them meet the basics" and "actually finding someone compatible is hard for everyone"

So, I dunno, I am married but my wife knows I'm here. This means no matter whether anyone thinks I'm great or not, I can't offer a mono relationship.  I live in the North-East of the UK and while I am willing to travel I'm constrained by a budget which means anyone who would at least want to see me semi-regular would have to live local.  There was someone who I had very good talks with here who was not local and was also not mono, so the concept of me travelling to see her as and when we could both meet would suit us both, but in itself this a rare.  

So I'm not saying I'm bad - I am saying there are a lot of people whose basic wants I don't meet. There are other guys who are also the same and it doesn't make them bad either - but - then some will message anyway hoping that the recipient can be magically flexible or change what they are looking for drastically,  so yep it might be a lovely well thought out message - but someone who is still unsuitable and "thought out" didn't include "am I even what she is looking for"

Then there is the problem that if a woman does mention it is difficult to find a partner on a site (which it is, it's difficult for everyone) she gets a bunch of chancers trying their luck which just adds to the frustration.  

 

And, if she lists criteria on her profile specifying the type of people she wants to contact her and the type of people she doesn’t, she gets accused of being picky and of making it too difficult for men 🙄😂

[CopperKnob]

13 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

At the risk of projection, or being out of turn, I often feel women can't win on dating sites.

I mean I'm not just on about if someone doesn't interest you then hitting ignore gets you moaned it, not replying gets moaned at, and replying "sorry, I'm not interested" also gets you moaned at.

But

The assumption sites favour women - men confusing "she has more choice so can afford to be picky" with "there are so many men but none of them meet the basics" and "actually finding someone compatible is hard for everyone"

So, I dunno, I am married but my wife knows I'm here. This means no matter whether anyone thinks I'm great or not, I can't offer a mono relationship.  I live in the North-East of the UK and while I am willing to travel I'm constrained by a budget which means anyone who would at least want to see me semi-regular would have to live local.  There was someone who I had very good talks with here who was not local and was also not mono, so the concept of me travelling to see her as and when we could both meet would suit us both, but in itself this a rare.  

So I'm not saying I'm bad - I am saying there are a lot of people whose basic wants I don't meet. There are other guys who are also the same and it doesn't make them bad either - but - then some will message anyway hoping that the recipient can be magically flexible or change what they are looking for drastically,  so yep it might be a lovely well thought out message - but someone who is still unsuitable and "thought out" didn't include "am I even what she is looking for"

Then there is the problem that if a woman does mention it is difficult to find a partner on a site (which it is, it's difficult for everyone) she gets a bunch of chancers trying their luck which just adds to the frustration.  

 

Yeah, no specific gender have a monopoly on dating problems for a whole host of very different and sometimes the very same reasons.

[CopperKnob]

12 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

And, if she lists criteria on her profile specifying the type of people she wants to contact her and the type of people she doesn’t, she gets accused of being picky and of making it too difficult for men 🙄😂

But not, "all men" 😂

[ey****]

23 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

And, if she lists criteria on her profile specifying the type of people she wants to contact her and the type of people she doesn’t, she gets accused of being picky and of making it too difficult for men 🙄😂

yep - then it's "negotiating her way out of an otherwise good relationship"

aye mate, but that wouldn't have been with you  

[ge****]

The whole "easy" or "difficult" perception thing comes down to the individual and how they approach sites like this - if you don't bother making an effort with your profile, or have unrealistic expectations, or make meeting others your sole purpose (and those are just examples, the list is limitless) then it will "seem" difficult.
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Conversely, put some effort in, maintain a positive attitude, accept that it may take time and patience etc and things may not fall in your lap or be "easy" but your perception won't see it as "difficult"

[Deleted Member]

Do you get to the point where you look at profiles you like but just cannot think of what to write in a message anymore. Or even just cannot be bothered to try?

[Cu****]

6 hours ago, Lady_Char said:

Thought I'd add my tuppence. I'm fairly active in the Lobby and I comment in the forum quite a bit. I have a lot of pics and a fully filled out profile. Because of all of this, I get quite a few messages. Most of them are respectful and polite, quite a few of them take the time to try and write something interesting. Still, I'm waiting. The kink pool is much smaller than the general dating pool. Reduce the numbers down to in my area, around my age and the right role (brat tamer/ Dom), and the number is very small. Then the actual questions start: do we click? Are they funny? Am I attracted? Do they like me? Am I what they're looking for?

With a basic list of criteria and a few key questions, my "quite a few message" whittles down to almost nothing. And I sit within one of the larger kink group (Dom and female sub). I should have an "easy time" if we're ranking difficulty. But it's personal and if you're looking for something meaningful, it has to be right. As someone said above, patience and put yourself out there as much as you can. Then hope.

A Kinbaku lover i think

[ey****]

18 minutes ago, Mywillyissilly said:

Do you get to the point where you look at profiles you like but just cannot think of what to write in a message anymore. Or even just cannot be bothered to try?

I think if you look at someone's account and just cannot think what to write.... this is probably a good idea to not write to them.

This doesn't mean *never*

But if at that point you can't think of anything to say to that person, then all that happens is a message is sent that they don't want to read

[ge****]

45 minutes ago, Mywillyissilly said:

Do you get to the point where you look at profiles you like but just cannot think of what to write in a message anymore. Or even just cannot be bothered to try?

I actually got to that point many years ago on another site when I first started using sites like this. After sending a handful of messages blindly to people whose profiles interested me, I just found the process very clinical and contrived so decided to adjust my approach and got involved in the forums and chat rooms and interacted with people that way, which then led to messaging with something meaningful to discuss as a starting point.
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And you know what? It worked, I got to know and meet lots of people that way, some of them as friends, some as more than that.
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People jump to the conclusion that the only way to approach sites like this is to blindly send messages to effective strangers in the hope of getting a response, and whilst that can work, it's also possibly the hardest approach, because you're effectively sending junk mail to try and get attention.

[Deleted Member]

30 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

I actually got to that point many years ago on another site when I first started using sites like this. After sending a handful of messages blindly to people whose profiles interested me, I just found the process very clinical and contrived so decided to adjust my approach and got involved in the forums and chat rooms and interacted with people that way, which then led to messaging with something meaningful to discuss as a starting point.
.
And you know what? It worked, I got to know and meet lots of people that way, some of them as friends, some as more than that.
.
People jump to the conclusion that the only way to approach sites like this is to blindly send messages to effective strangers in the hope of getting a response, and whilst that can work, it's also possibly the hardest approach, because you're effectively sending junk mail to try and get attention.

There is much in what you say. I have only been looking at the forums in the last 4 days or so and in that short space of time, I have learnt a lot. 

[ol****]

I'll add my 10 cents worth.

I fully agree with what's being said here by nearly everybody.

Firstly it's difficult to make a connection with anybody on-line.

Then, even if you get over this hurdle expectation many not match reality if and when you finally meet.

I'd also say keeping things going online for too long if you hope to meet IRL is not a good idea (See above).

My sympathy always tends toward the females on this site or any other. @CopperKnob comment about unwanted attention stikes a chord with me in a lot of conversations I've seen and participated in.