Statistics Long Term

[Deleted Member]

Feels a long shot to find that One. Especially with the added layer of kink that has been well received but not embraced. For some it isn't an option to bring up. Like my last relationship where she was not into oral sex. For me giving oral sex is one of my favorite things to do!

If you can't have an open relationship, it is doomed. So it seems, by reading Tinder profiles, most of them don't want the truth or just want some specific mold of a person. Very specific mold. The profiles are similar to me. Just as much as a church goer may be horrified to know I am kinky and dirty minded, I am horrified at the level of expectation in a dating app, knowing full well they are not all well adjusted and ready to share and compromise.

It is probably me right? Right. But statically how many people are single? Over 50% here in LA. So it is just as normal to be single as it is to be with someone. So at least we aren't alone 😂🤣😭

[CopperKnob]

I think sometimes it can be useful to look inwards

[mstsub]

I could see myself doing a poly type of relationship, but I've been very anti-commitment for years. Hasn't exactly been an issue for me since I've only just recently started seriously looking into gaining experiences in this world.

I couldn't say for others here in LA, but I'm also very clueless on how to go about getting out and socialising and getting into huge events.

[ge****]

Not entirely sure of the point you're trying to make here, but it appears to be a new twist on the "having trouble finding a connection" thing.
.
Either way, yes it is difficult to find that connection with someone, but then if it were easy we'd all be leading blissfully happy lives!!
.
To use a little bit of logic here - imagine you're walking down the street and you pass 100 people of the gender you are looking to meet - unless you're completely shallow, you'd maybe find around 20 of them physically attractive, so 20% - of those 20 people, by applying the same logic, around 20% would find you physically attractive too - so you're down to 4 people out of your original 100 based on looks alone - then factor in whether there's a connection and attraction with them in other ways (common interests, availability, circumstance etc etc) and you will likely be left with one at the very most (and more likely none) so less than 1% of that original 100 people.
.
Same applies on dating/meet sites - now factor in kinks to that too and being aligned in that way, and the number of likely matches drops even further.
.
Now of course those numbers are ones I have plucked from thin air, but they serve a purpose in making the point - luck and chance play a part too of course, as do various other factors - but ultimately it's not quite as simple as 50% of people are single therefore I must be able to find someone.

[ey****]

Some of these statistics are a little questionable

On paper it looks like there is a rising average to about 50% of people who are single - but - when you break it down it's misleading

We get a figure of around 50% who are married (which doesn't tell us who is married but, say, seperated) and assume the other 50% are all single.

I got a stat for LA which has that LA is one of the highest for people who are single at 56% but the reality isn't that 56% are single, but that 44% are married.   (Incidentally, LA is the highest ranked US cities for married men having affairs) 
 

--

So a couple who is choosing not to marry is, in some stats, measured as 'single' particularly if for whatever reason they're not cohabiting.  Which could very well be down to housing prices as much as anything else.

Incidentally 7 people in an extended poly family would all be classed as single

But still.

This would in itself ignore that there is a rise in people remaining single.

I honestly believe there is a cocktail of reasons for this, such as

1) There is less shame in being single.  

2) There is less requirement in having a relationship.  This is something I've touched on before but up until the 1970s a woman wasn't permitted to have her own bank account and up until 1981 could be refused service in a bar, meaning women required a partner.  Men, also, were kinda expected to be a 'family man' to help with things like career progression 

3) But also. People got less time. We're working longer hours and/or doing longer commutes.  Sometimes folk don't have the time or motivation for full relationships

4) Because of all the above. A lot of people are less willing to compromise.  Which might seem harsh but it's simple. This is something men have done for decades "I like sport so everything stops for sport", "men go to the pub on Sunday, women cook the dinner" and so on - so we're now in a situation where women are saying "I am interested in this.  If there is a guy who is ALSO interested in this then I would share it with them, but I am not entering any form of relationship where I have to sacrifice the thing I'm interested in" 

So yeah, some people are more demanding. At least on paper. But they can afford to be.  They have less time and stuff they don't want to lose for a less-than-satisfactory relationship, so kinda, you're with them or not.

[Deleted Member]

For me this means many of us will not find a long term relationship. Statistically after a year we lose interest likely because that's all it takes to have a child. Then it becomes less about sex and more about having a partner. And when we get old you will wish you had one. Trust me.

Sometimes when we sprinkle some statistics in we can have an ah ha moment where we separate a cultural pressure and idea, from our reality.

We have heard many ideas on how to have a healthy relationship... Compromise in negotiation is a big one. Being honest maybe a tough one. Shared values over shared interests, though this one is mostly ignored. I have done my best and here I am single.

It is ok. Half of us are single; more or less. So how do you meet people? Dating apps are working. Sites like this where people can find shared values 😉.

But you know what works? Being open to talking and finding someone you resonate with. Listen and help someone form their idea before you tell them what you know or tell them your stories. After that gag and tie them up until they beg 😉

Thats all. Just a thought as I feel fee to talk on this site where I know I won't offend if I do meet a special someone.

[DeviantInside]

Here's my take on this... this is based on a presupposition that there is a ONE. Rather than a scale of compatibilty whereby you will be more suited to some people in certain ways and others in entirely different ways, and that there will be elements of compromise regardless (which is far more healthy than an echo chamber, it's good to experience differences and consider things that you wouldn't have otherwise).

But even if, for the sake of argument, we accept that there is a ONE (or even several possible ones) having kink as an aspect would make it no less likely than for anyone vanilla. Vanilla people who find kink unappealing still have to consider sexual compatibility as anyone with a kink would automatically not be suitable on that basis... which then brings into question what exactly kink or vanilla may mean to the individual as to what they find acceptable.

So in some ways you may be more likely to find your ONE withn the kink world where a lot is able to be discussed openly and honestly. I strongly believe that a lot of vanilla couples would benefit immensely for spending the time getting to know each other, including deepest held secret desires or proclivities, that a lot of good fetish couples do.

And as I say, in my view the reality is that we are all individuals, so it's more about finding someone you connect well with on as many levels as you can, and enjoying the give and take of a relationship, than holding out for a perfect mythical ONE.

Edited May 3, 2022 by DeviantInside
typos

[Ki****]

I think polyamory relationships are the cure to this. I have been wondering about this a lot lately and I think that for a couple to work you have to be 100% willing to allow that person to have the life experience they want and vise versa. There is no reason people can’t love or be intimate with more then one person. And in loving more people your satisfaction levels are better.

[Deleted Member]

Polyamory. Right. It is something that makes sense to me but there is also something too foreign. There must be some interesting rules. Is it a long time couple that dates others separately? What's your experience with that? Fascinating to me and in regard to the One I like the way you think. Also can the One just be a long term relationship? Do we hold out for that? Or do we choose the best we can each time we choose. If we choose to date, we try to pick well or we bump into someone and the hormones kick in. They are very convincing.

[ey****]

7 hours ago, Unichorny said:

For me this means many of us will not find a long term relationship.

Yes.

And this is something you have to be ok with.

[ey****]

for stuff like polyamory - it is still something which is totally not for everyone but people are noticing is more common again.  Humans are actually traditionally polyamorous and we only really settled towards being more mono within the last 1000 years.

There is the joke a little "well of course polyamory is more popular - it takes 6 people to buy a house!" but then in more seriousness as well as people becoming more aware this is 'a thing' and their feelings/desires/whatever or legitimate that in some cases it is something that works more for people in the current structure.

People in general are working more hours (some in multiple jobs) for lower disposable income (not helped by the soaring cost of living) and relationships are slightly less of a priority because dating is actually expensive.

Sometimes some of the people on dating sites saying they're looking for poly is - in some cases - that their life means they can probably only see you every couple of weeks anyway.  It almost seems easier to say "I have other partners" (even if they don't) rather than "Actually I work long hours and have other commitments and shit I like to do which isn't relationships, but hey, occasional sex is nice"

 But also, you'll see someone on a dating site with demands you think are unreasonable, but then swipe and someone else will have demands and you can look at every or most and think "I fit that... and... they seem interesting" and who knows what happens next.