New sub in training

[Mz****]

Hi, I'm a new sub in training and would like some tips, pretty please. My Dom is new to the lifestyle too but the more we discover, the more we find this completely natural to us for the most part. However, I have trouble being a good submissive because I'm dominant in all other aspects of life. I do not identify as a brat and don't have a desire for defiant play. Neither is my Dom interested in defiance. But I am looking for suggestions on active submission to encourage myself and my Dom to grow together in this lifestyle. We prefer 24/7 with subtlety in public and more openness and play in private settings or the bedroom. I just want to be good but I'm headstrong. Looking to learn how to behave. Advice from Dom's and subs welcome!

[Lord_Talion]

You could be a switch. As you're non-monogomous it's possible for you to be dominant with someone else while o ly submitting to your primary

[gr****]

Well remember the desire to submit can be as important as what you are doing in privet. So maybe let him decide what styles you will wear when going out, or maybe actually serve him meals at table. This may help you find that medium.

[Al****]

With both of you being new to the lifestyle I suggest that both of you sit down and discuss your likes/limits/possibilities. I have my lady wear a dress collar out in public as a tangible reminder of who she is. When home she has a true collar to help her in changing her mind set to home lifestyle and rules. ( text me if you want to talk more )

[Deleted Member]

So this is kind of a controversial answer but most doms I know like to break down and build their subs/slaves to help each other achieve what they want. You have to really get into the mindset of submitting to him. You have to want it. Pushing you to your limits. Also your dom having you answer these types of questions when in subspace helps train your mindset....
Where is your place?
Who do you belong to?
Who do you serve?
What is your purpose?
Who does your body belong to?
If you can't get into that mindset then you're probably a switch.

[su****]

There are many ways to engage your submissiveness- it’s not always necessary to submit fully in every circumstance. I think easing into things and being submissive in none-scene situations might help? Things that help me remember my place are things sitting on the floor next to my Dom (in a chair) and having them squeeze my shoulder when they feel I’m being too vocal/outgoing. It helps me reign myself in without feeling bratty or defensive like I do when I’m being called out in front of others. Little things like serving your Dom or allowing them to eat before you, submitting in simpler forms, can be really beneficial!

[ca****]

Solid tip from subbunny. I’d also tell your dominant to go further than he has been, show your strength and power, dominate the situation, whatever it is. She talks back? Put her on her knees and put your c**k down her throat. But definitely figure out boundaries

[Deleted Member]

My answer might be a bit controversial but it works for me and my slave subs. Keep in mind that when you truly give someone control it's the things you don't want to submit in are the things you hold close and important to you that are the most meaningful to hand over. This doesn't mean you need to ask for them to be micromanaged but it does mean depending on your relationship dynamic they might be micromanaged for you if it is the desire and will of your master. Having an honest discussion with both of you and identifying these areas can be hugely helpful in understanding both of your limits and what the dynamic is that is correct for you. For me total submission is what I'm looking for. I don't even like to micromanage everything as it's frankly exhausting. But if I want to make a change to anything and I do mean anything I have the freedom in my relationships to do so.

[Deleted Member]

Few things. I don't think there's such a thing as a "bad sub". Consider that you just might not be a sub or that your Dom needs to step it up in sense. Your Dom should really be taking the lead with finding the answers to these types of questions and provide you with instruction/direction/guidance. Create some rituals at home even simple things like how do you greet him when he arrives home or what do you do when he enters the room. Let him create a list of commands, which you learn and execute when he instructs, some can be sexual acts, or poses you have to assume, or even just everday things that he might regularly want or need. Initially you can get a floor mattress, put in at the foot or side of the bed and sleep there, permanently unless he invites you to his bed, afterwards return there. Loads of little things like that adds up. I wish you two all the best.

[ge****]

I guess the answer lies within "I have trouble being a good submissive" and what you mean by that, how it manifests itself, and why you think it's important?
.
If it's about you finding it difficult to get into a submissive headspace, then there are steps he can take to put you there - a signal, a certain task, or any number of other things - you just need to find the ones that work for you and that comes through open and honest communication.
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If it's more about you both struggling to find that control or being able to progress when you're in submissive mode - again it's going to come down to open and honest communication about what's working and what's not - does he need to be harsher, push limits etc for example?
.
Take it slowly and communicate is the key - there is no single right way to D/s only your and your partner's way and so long as it works for both of you there's nothing good or bad about it.

[ey****]

I think there's a lot of answers which will be exclusive only to your relationship so some things to think about together

Where are you now? Where do you want to go? What would you ideally like your relationship to look like?

Remember that while a lot of people talk up fantasies; even a lot of "24/7" relationships is not full time dynamics or protocol

A lot is going to take time, and patience - you won't get where you want to be overnight.

But, for example.  A small idea... set your alarm tomorrow a little earlier than his, get ready anything he needs for work or the day and return to him with a coffee or hot morning drink.  While he is enjoying that - run a bath....  

If you do this already, how could this be better again?

[in****]

Fellow sub here - my last 24/7 D/s relationship was 5 years. I totally empathise with being headstrong, and when you're switched on and taking charge every second of the day, it can be really hard to let go of that.
I don't know if you're familiar with "rituals" as part of a D/s dynamic? Rituals are exactly what they imply - a set routine that in D/s usually creates a grounding for the sub, and a chance for both D and s to connect. It can sort of "spring board" those submissive feelings, if done right. For instance, if you had a ritual in the calendar every Sunday to kneel before your Dominant in silence for 5 minutes, for those 5 minutes nothing else matters except the establishment of your submission to him.
Rituals can be anything- there are some common ones, like positions, a collar bring put on, etc - but really the only thing that matters is that it indicates to you both that the power has shifted. It indicates leaving the "normal" world behind and entering into your headspace. It takes practice but in time it becomes really natural and almost an immediate effect.

Tasks are also useful ("during your lunch break, I want you to do x for me"). Any ongoing rule too can help remind a sub of their will to submit, such as every Monday morning taking a photo of your underwear for approval. These are just some examples, and they may not work for you, but with a bit of research you might find something that fits for you and triggers those subby feelings for you.

[in****]

As a side note - trust is THE most important thing to feeling submissive to a person. You have to trust them to take that responsibility from you. That's something that takes time, and requires him to show you he is reliable, dependable and safe in having control of your needs whilst you surrender to him.
Feel free to message me if you want, I'm always available to fellow subs looking for advice.

[Mi****]

First, don’t sweat it, what you are experiencing is normal and common. I find that all submissive are strong, independent women (in my case) in other aspects of their life and find a bug difference between wanting to be submissive and consistently behaving so. The only thing I have found effective is training and time. By time, I mean it’s going to take some. And by training I mean consequences for disobedience. Spanking is what most equate with discipline but, in my experience, most subs love being spanked do it serves little use for training. Orgasm denial has been most effective for me. Don’t allow a sub to c*m long enough and she’ll get with the program ;-)

[Deleted Member]

I can struggle with this too. Controlled choice can be an effective balancer, a step into letting go in them moments for reluctance. The guy gives you a choice of two things of his own preference. His happy with either. You then select one. It can be applied to anything and at anytime too. It indirectly works to build trust, find your own relationship Dynamics and transfers decision-making over to him in the long term.

[CopperKnob]

There is no such thing as a good/bad submissive. Sometimes I think it can feel that you aren't submissive enough and that we interpret that as not being good enough.

I do wonder about the 'training of a sub' I'll be honest, I honestly don't know what that means? Whose training you? Your partner? Who trained them? Are they a Dom in training? Aren't you figuring this out together?

People here will say (and they have 😉) do this act, do that. If that works for them so be it. It may not work for you/your partner. You have a different relationship to anyone else here.

Its new to you both and you probably haven't voiced your expectations with each other. Have a conversation.
What does D/s look like to you, what does it look like to you partner. If it doesn't match ( it's unlikely to and thats not a bad thing!) you then negotiate and come to an agreement that suits you both. Then you figure out what needs to happen to get you to that point and maybe think about a rough timeline.
But, I wouldn't worry about setting things in stone, we learn, we grow, wants and needs change, life in general gets the better of us
You'll figure it out

[Da****]

As a Dom with two subs, I can tell you that they are not the same at all... each one has very different personalities and I have different expectations for each of them. It's about making things work for you and your Dom. As for good/bad subs, I agree with everyone here that there really aren't good/bad subs.. one thing I didn't read here or see anyone ask is what your definition of a good or bad sub is, or how you define what a good sub is. Start there a see if what you define as a good sub is realistic or just a fantasy.. you also need to communicate with your Dom and ask the same questions of his expectations.

[Deleted Member]

Sorry but there’s no right or wrong I learned that bdsm is all about what you both like fantasies and desires also helping each other grow as people but what ever kinks ur into after care is very important for both.because sometimes doms go through depression as well.so just make sure u guys look out for each other🤟

[ch****]

I completely agree with everyone that there are no “bad” subs and if your “dom” is still learning, then it’s more about communication between you two. Express what you are looking for as a sub. Do you want to be completely controlled at home, in public? Is your dom capable of providing you with the structure you need? There are so many variables. Talk to each other and work out your rules and roles. Communication is paramount. Good luck and I hope you have a fulfilling experience