New sub 101

[Lo****]

Be cautious. Be careful. Say no if there is the slightest thing that feels wrong. 
 

There are a LOT of selfish, manipulative, narcissistic people on fetish sites that call themselves Dom. Many are just out for what they can get and have no care for those they interact with. 
 

Read everything you can about how it should be with regards to respect, care, boundaries, aftercare, safe words and red flags and stop what you’re doing if someone doesn’t think these are important. Read Copperknob and SirArchA’s posts. 
 

You will probably be affected by sub frenzy. Be aware of this and how it can affect your ability to make rational decisions and protect yourself. 
 

What YOU want is right for you. Don’t let anyone tell you that your preferences are wrong or that they don’t think you’re a sub because you won’t submit to them. Anyone who says that is pressuring you to conform to their wishes and they are not a Dom, they are an ***r. Refuse to submit to people until you find the one who dominates you in a way that feels right to YOU. 

GOOD LUCK! 

[ey****]

- It's better to pause or stop something that isn't working than trying to push through "for your Dominant" (although pushing through "for your Dominant" can be valid - but that isn't a Day 1 objective)

- there are a lot of broad terms which mean different things to different people; clarification and communication is key

- just because you don't excel at, do well at, or like, one element or another it doesn't mean you are a "bad sub" just focus to your strengths

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, Elishas5 said:

I feel like a basic and CRUCIAL thing is to make sure you are enjoying every moment. And never never get involved with someone irl unless you’ve gotten to know them a bit. DEFF don’t send nudes unless you are comfortable. If you aren’t, and they pressure you after you’ve expressed that, that’s just more reason not to send. Remember that.

Great call out. Thanks!

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, DirtyOldBastard said:

A lot of subs are very bold in their wishes when online...."you can do anything you want.... " which I always take with a pinch of salt as I've come across this type of scenario many times. It's a dangerous thing to say with so many fakes and inexperienced "Doms" about these days!! Blame 50 Shades for that proliferation 🥴🙄 Most subs that say that cannot take having "anything" done to them. A respectful and experienced Dom will recognise this from the start, but any other type of "Dom" might not.
Be xareful what you wish for subs in your early days, have limits!!!

That makes sense. It can be easy to get wrapped up in the feels or situation and not clearly communicate the limits while wanting to please.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, BigAuntie said:

If they don’t ask you what your limits are up front then they are not a true Dom. Like for example I’m no choking no way no how never again if you tell them it’s a limit and they try to cross it end it. Because they then don’t respect the true Dom/Sub roles. Blunt honesty when talking about it. If you are new to it tell them so they will test things out slowly to both find what you need and what they need in a respectable way.

Great call out. Hard and soft limits are important.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, RustytheFoxCoon said:

Probably my best advise is not to judge someone based on any mental illness in a negative way. No one is “normal” to a T. So to expect anyone to be free pf their own mental health is absurd. What is important, is to make sure both mindsets support one another easily. For instance, one having dpd while the other having a more nsa brain isn’t a good fit. It’ll damage both parties. Once 2 or more people find that balanced environment they fit in, then everyone does better from self confidence, to performing better just from a passion to want to.

There's that word confidence again. I looked it up but just don't understand the concept. Lol. Not judging issues we have but making sure we can support each other makes sense though and sounds like it could have significant impact on our mental health. Thanks for calling this out.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, mandonex said:

For me one of the biggest red flags is a sub who is emotionally closed off. I understand everyone has their own history and things that are going through but if we are going to maintain this sort of relationship I need to be let in to do my job correctly.

Oof. Okay. I hear what you are saying. That can be difficult. I shut down when in a bad place or overwhelmed but hear you. Something i have to keep working on.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, typhoon2 said:

'No' is a perfectly appropriate response from both submissives and Dominants. They are under no obligations other than those which they impose upon themselves. It's heartbreaking how many newbies feel it's not their place to decline something and end up used and ***d, often fleeing the BDSM scene. Ditto Dominants who take on more than they're comfortable or competent with.

Interesting. This certainly isn't something that comes to mind outside of limits. Thanks for the insight.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, beta22 said:

How to spot a fake Domme. Now its easy back then not so much

Working on that. Please feel free to share (any not already mentioned in the chain) what kind of things you use to tell now that you have more experience if you don't mind.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, Wilbur73 said:

I think being aware that in both roles, anticipating your partner. I believe when I think of my partner I automatically think about what’s next. Once I ask my self this, my thoughts start to replay what I was told. What is expected. What should I do to help my partner take my lead or how I can express following their lead.

I hope to learn about the other person quickly...what they like and don't like, what makes them happy...to help with this. Great point.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, Lady_Char said:

My own worth. Don't be so excited to jump in that you offer your submission to any moron who says he's entitled to it. Take your time and be patient, and find someone really worth it. I also wish I had understood the difference between confidence and arrogance, one is desirable the other not so much. Getting a read on which Doms are which is something that I found takes a little bit of experience, unfortunately. Lastly, don't be scared to try new things, but don't try new things because you're scared to disappoint. Do it because it excites you, but also do it safely.

Self worth. Another one i don't know about. Otherwise great points. Thank you Char!

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, windinthereeds said:

Consent is everything. Nothing so sexy as consent freely given, a sub kneeling of their own free will, happy to dress to please their dominant. SSCR, RACK and no 50 shades of grey cosplay before safeword and aftercare are talked about. A d/s can only ever exist between equals, no matter what the dynamic looks like later. Oh and kink lists are a lot of fun to talk through, because they offer a more Shame free way to address kinks...

Goodness kink lists have me looking up lots of things on google. Lol. Agreed that limits and communication are important.

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, DeviantInside said:

Well I'd say you're off to a good start simply by asking te question. No one ought to feel they should just know anything, everyone was new at some stage, and even with those that have been around the block there's always more to leanr and people you can learn from. Some key things are learning to be safe, not to let yourself be pressured into someting you're uncomfortable with or not ready for, that happens all too often sadly. So knowing about setting up neutral safe meets first, safety calls for during the meet etc making sure someone knows where you are. That all might sound common sense, and you may well already know that, but I know too many horror stories to gloss over it.

That aside I strongly believe that there is no right or wrong way to be a sub or Dom (excluding dangerous practices, or thinsg that impinge on other people outside the dynamic) only the right way for those directly involved. Starting out it may take you a while to figure that out, some of which comes through learning as much as you can about everything, a lot comes with finding someone to explore with. I will say this though, from my experience having tried a lot over the years it has always mattered more the connection I have with my partner than anything that has been involved kink wise. As erotic as some fantasies and ideas may be in the abstract they fall flat with the wrong partner, whilst seemingly innocuous things can be intensely erotic with the right one. So look for someone you connect with first and foremost. As a good friend of mine once put it... at some point you have to stop playing and be able to have a conversation.

I also hasten to add that's just my thoughts on things, I have never been a sub (an anathema to my nature) so I fuily recognise that others may have different thoughts and experiences, particualrly subs that have ther own first hand experiences to share.

Deviant these are all great points. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, kydd2151 said:

rules and regulations if you will are set up for both parties. Don't be afraid while establishing your sub/Dom relationship to be heard. That way you find common ground and can establish exactly what kind of sub/Dom relationship fits the both of you.

Great to hear that it's okay to negotiate without being disrespectful.

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, sacramento102 said:

As a Dominant , I want submission as a fantasy sex life and in our interactions through out the relationship. I prefer this to be a secret we share out of respect to one another but seen from the outside, as " those two are always so nice to one another " so in love. When it come to starting a dynamic be 100% truthful in conversation about your wants , needs and limits. These change over time and can be re negotiated when the time is right. My first sub had no limits and much more experience but she held back out of *** . This cause big frustration for me and disaster for the relationship. Start slow and build up or slow down for a closer relationship. Truth trust communication and consent are the goals. Like everything worth working for , it's work and takes time.

Thanks Sacramento. Great insight.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Christian1997 said:

The giving and taking should be equal for both. If you expect a sub to surrender completely to you, you better make sure you give him enough time/energy/attention/love. As a sub it is very easy to fall for a D and want to give them your everything. However if this is not reciprocated, it can end up being very bad for your mental health in the long run. So basically, make sure if the D is worthy of your TOTAL surrender and whether you have the same expectations. If not, you could still play with eachother, just match your expectations accordingly and expect less from the relationship. Be careful with your feelings. Even if something feels right in the moment, it might not be good in the long run. Especially when you see everything through pink glasses in your subby zone.

Thanks Christian. Agreed that it can hurt pretty quickly when it's not reciprocated.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Alphawolf1121 said:

New people both Dom and sub alike need to communicate likes , dislikes, things you want to try and strict limits. When done with a scene please do NOT forget aftercare. It is very important. To both persons mental health

I need to learn more about aftercare for a dom but would assume it varies based on the person. Certainly something i need to communicate about. Thanks wolf.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Lockfairy said:

Be cautious. Be careful. Say no if there is the slightest thing that feels wrong. 
 

There are a LOT of selfish, manipulative, narcissistic people on fetish sites that call themselves Dom. Many are just out for what they can get and have no care for those they interact with. 
 

Read everything you can about how it should be with regards to respect, care, boundaries, aftercare, safe words and red flags and stop what you’re doing if someone doesn’t think these are important. Read Copperknob and SirArchA’s posts. 
 

You will probably be affected by sub frenzy. Be aware of this and how it can affect your ability to make rational decisions and protect yourself. 
 

What YOU want is right for you. Don’t let anyone tell you that your preferences are wrong or that they don’t think you’re a sub because you won’t submit to them. Anyone who says that is pressuring you to conform to their wishes and they are not a Dom, they are an ***r. Refuse to submit to people until you find the one who dominates you in a way that feels right to YOU. 

GOOD LUCK! 

Thanks lockfairy!

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

- It's better to pause or stop something that isn't working than trying to push through "for your Dominant" (although pushing through "for your Dominant" can be valid - but that isn't a Day 1 objective)

- there are a lot of broad terms which mean different things to different people; clarification and communication is key

- just because you don't excel at, do well at, or like, one element or another it doesn't mean you are a "bad sub" just focus to your strengths

Hearing this is okay is reassuring. Thanks!

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, greatimp99 said:

You know there is a book that covers quite a bit of this. S&M 101 and The Ultimate Bottoming Book.

May i please have the author's name? I didn't find it on amazon yet.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, IamkingDominick said:

I believe everyone (Dom,sub,switch) should watch this video regardless of experience https://youtu.be/YxyGhXn9ji8

I watched this and will watch it again. Absolutely agree that all new subs should. Thanks!

[gr****]

1 hour ago, kitten9876 said:

May i please have the author's name? I didn't find it on amazon yet.

I appologise it looks like some of the Names have changed on these. "The New Bottoming Book
by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy" and the other is " Jay Wiseman for SM 101"

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, greatimp99 said:

I appologise it looks like some of the Names have changed on these. "The New Bottoming Book
by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy" and the other is " Jay Wiseman for SM 101"

Oh, i saw those. Thanks!

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Christian1997 said:

The giving and taking should be equal for both. If you expect a sub to surrender completely to you, you better make sure you give him enough time/energy/attention/love. As a sub it is very easy to fall for a D and want to give them your everything. However if this is not reciprocated, it can end up being very bad for your mental health in the long run. So basically, make sure if the D is worthy of your TOTAL surrender and whether you have the same expectations. If not, you could still play with eachother, just match your expectations accordingly and expect less from the relationship. Be careful with your feelings. Even if something feels right in the moment, it might not be good in the long run. Especially when you see everything through pink glasses in your subby zone.

My god I have been living this.

I don't have many horror stories, but this is so close to the bone for me. I was completely in love with my domme, and the one thing I did not want to beg for, but i found myself pleading was her time. It's brutal, because I would never say, I did not believe she loved me (She did prove that many times), but when you bleed for that person. the one thing you feel you deserve is their attention/time/love and energy.

[mu****]

When using a "ball gag" make sure it is a 'vented' ball gag. Some peoples sinuses swell upon orgasm forcing them to breath through there mouth. 👄