Message etiquette

[ge****]

43 minutes ago, AmstelDom said:

Was only posing thoughts from other perspectives, I always enjoyed seeing every position in a discussion.
[Side note: Devil's Advocate used to be an official position in courts. Paid to disagree with every decision just for thought provoking]
There's definitely a lot of misunderstandings around this sort of thing. Some apps of this sort have an automatic reply you can click a button sending a polite but very clear "No"
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We really need to normalise "No" as a concept. Everyone should feel safe saying it all the time!
That starts with any of you who've ever argued with a "No" kinky or vanillas!
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Equally in this sort of environment newbies will often be confused about how to illustrate their strength, role and thirst in a subtle but clear way. We all make mistakes, my first munch...oof another time.
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Certainly without read receipts there's no way to tell if you've even been read, but as i said before there is no obligation even if it is read.
No more than if a person walks up in the street and says "Hi" although in the street the initiator does get immediate feedback.
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It can be regarding looks, age, roles, location or just vibe, there are many reasons to decide no or just failure to log in and see a message.
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For my own position I would define EVERY first message, regardless of length, as a hand waving in a room saying "Hey, I am interested in finding out more about you. Are you interested?"
So I would respectfully say look them over and decide if you might be.
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Disclaimer: as a very distinctive person I get stronger reactions, on dating apps I've never had hundreds of messages waiting for me.
Don't beat yourself up for having better things to do than wade through them all, but please consider them all equally.
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[I have waded through the filth of humanity from time to time - reading messages the user thought was private (until reported). There are a lot of people out there you probably don't want to know, but equally (for me) if I ask how you are, it's not empty, it's because I want to know you are healthy and happy]
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Thank you for your time

You make some very valid points - and get some extra points for the beautiful Viszla in your pic 😉
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Would be lovely to normalise "No" - the problem is however not so much with those saying the word, as those receiving it, and it's there that acceptance and normalisation needs to begin - and perhaps if that ever happens (which it won't) then people on sites/apps like this would feel more comfortable saying it rather than taking the (currently) safer option of ignoring.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, AmstelDom said:

Was only posing thoughts from other perspectives, I always enjoyed seeing every position in a discussion

alternative viewpoints can be valuable

however... if it's raining we don't need to find a weatherman who will go on camera and say it's not.

There is a 'no thanks' button but a lot of guys get angry people hit them with it.  There seems to be no way to say 'no' that isn't going to annoy one person or another.  

[Pe****]

3 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Oops!! Noted 😉🤭🤭🤣😂

You know you can get away with it!!😂😩😘

[Go****]

This is a great topic. I find “hey” or “what’s up” 1-liner messages incredibly annoying and usually just immediately delete them! Come on people, put in the tiniest bit of effort.

[Chloebear]

Not sure if this has been noted, but also - if you reply that allows them to continue speaking to you until you no thanks or block them. If you ignore they are automatically blocked from contacting you again for a certain amount of time. I can’t recall how long - one month? Three? Certainly I have people in there who message ‘hi’ everyone three months 🤣

[Am****]

To those who favour a more personalised message, do you have a filled in profile?
I find it frustrating to make more than a generic "Hi" when all i have to react to is a few photos of you smiling

[CopperKnob]

5 minutes ago, AmstelDom said:

To those who favour a more personalised message, do you have a filled in profile?
I find it frustrating to make more than a generic "Hi" when all i have to react to is a few photos of you smiling

Yes I do have info in my profile it is pretty much devoid of kinks for obvious reasons.
My question is, why would you message someone who has no profile to speak of? What has drawn you to them?

[ey****]

12 minutes ago, AmstelDom said:

I find it frustrating to make more than a generic "Hi" when all i have to react to is a few photos of you smiling

if they have nothing for you to go off and you can't think of anything else

why are you even messaging them?   

because clearly nothing about them interests you, you're just messaging blindly hoping for a response.  

[Ar****]

On 9/27/2022 at 6:29 AM, Chloebear said:

Not sure if this has been noted, but also - if you reply that allows them to continue speaking to you until you no thanks or block them. If you ignore they are automatically blocked from contacting you again for a certain amount of time. I can’t recall how long - one month? Three? Certainly I have people in there who message ‘hi’ everyone three months 🤣

I think it's 90 days. I do have to wonder what makes people think things will have changed in those three months... 🤦‍♂️

[ey****]

IIRC

if someone hits 'no thanks' that's it

if someone does not reply - then - the person cannot message further for 3 months (a bit harsh if you type 'hi' and sent by mistake when continuing the next part of the message)

to a degree. I think a lot can change in 3 months.  Someone I met a few times, who has since left the scene sadly, she said no to my first approach.  However, with some passive connection and me making another (better!) approach she said yes and we went on to play a few times together.

I think the important part here, mind, was my improved approach

I think if someone ignored your 'hey' then 3 months later the lesson is to write something better than 'hey' 

[CopperKnob]

16 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

I think it's 90 days. I do have to wonder what makes people think things will have changed in those three months... 🤦‍♂️

It is, I got caught out like that.
Obviously in 90 days a lot can happen for example,.I could have blocked every male on Fet other than them 😂

[Chloebear]

21 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

I think it's 90 days. I do have to wonder what makes people think things will have changed in those three months... 🤦‍♂️

Blind hope 🤣 delusion…. Same same, but different 🤣🤣

[Chloebear]

1 hour ago, AmstelDom said:

To those who favour a more personalised message, do you have a filled in profile?
I find it frustrating to make more than a generic "Hi" when all i have to react to is a few photos of you smiling

Say you like the photos? I feel like I’m doing all the legwork here 🤣 but yes, my profile is populated. It basically says ‘no thank you’ but that’s ignored by 99% of people… they don’t read it, they look at the pictures.

[Am****]

3 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Yes I do have info in my profile it is pretty much devoid of kinks for obvious reasons.
My question is, why would you message someone who has no profile to speak of? What has drawn you to them?

Maybe the contacter is thirsty.
For me, I am attracted to physical appearances although a personality match is required for anything.
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If I see someone I'm attracted to I'd say hi, I'm not expecting fireworks on the first message, things take time.
Generally when meeting a potential sub i will spend 2-4 weeks talking to them, getting to know who they are.
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However of key note for me: i set NO store or importance to the first message. It is as i said in my first reply merely a hand waving saying "i exist, would you like to talk?"
Then after that we can take our time.

[Da****]

I think part of the biggest issue with threads like these are that we all end up going round and round.. we all have our reasons why we don't reply or why we can't take "no" for a reason... and when we all start talking about it in a thread we all stick to our guns no matter which side of the fence we are on, so what have we accomplished....NOT MUCH if anything... one maybe we will all get what we want from messages from the opposite side of message but until then... stay safe

[Am****]

Sorry but I couldn't disagree more. Learning what the other side of a point of view is, that is very useful information.
I might still want to push my agenda but (for me) that's to learn more

[Da****]

5 hours ago, AmstelDom said:

Sorry but I couldn't disagree more. Learning what the other side of a point of view is, that is very useful information.
I might still want to push my agenda but (for me) that's to learn more

Learning is one thing, but at some point someone's agenda causes the very situation we are at now...

[Chloebear]

7 hours ago, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

I think part of the biggest issue with threads like these are that we all end up going round and round.. we all have our reasons why we don't reply or why we can't take "no" for a reason... and when we all start talking about it in a thread we all stick to our guns no matter which side of the fence we are on, so what have we accomplished....NOT MUCH if anything... one maybe we will all get what we want from messages from the opposite side of message but until then... stay safe

This is just expressing different opinions, it’s what makes a good discussion. It doesn’t mean there’s conflict or tension. It’s both ok and important to have and express different ideas on topics, especially in a reasonable way. It’s only when people get aggro and start attacking on a thread (or express something that’s harmful) that there’s an issue.

[ey****]

10 hours ago, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

I think part of the biggest issue with threads like these are that we all end up going round and round.. we all have our reasons why we don't reply or why we can't take "no" for a reason... and when we all start talking about it in a thread we all stick to our guns no matter which side of the fence we are on, so what have we accomplished....NOT MUCH if anything... one maybe we will all get what we want from messages from the opposite side of message but until then... stay safe

I think there is often a failure of empathy at times - and sometimes I kinda hate the centre ground - buuut

on one side you have women whose side of things is that there is often too many messages, many of which are poor/low quality.

On the other you have men who are often frustrated they can't get a reply no matter how 'good' they feel their approach is

Then on the other you have women who have had good approaches that they are not interested in and it is still labour to "let them down gently" and that some guys will be angry at hitting "no thanks" some at being left on read, and some if they get a typed reply will then turn into argumentative.

And then back of course to men's frustrations

 

I think this is something where you can see the others perspective and still stick to a lot of your own feelings

But, for example, if you can frame things as "no response is a response" there can be a perspective change.  And also, of course, that you really don't have to message everyone with a pulse "in case you hit it off" 

[Deleted Member]

21 hours ago, Aranhis said:

I think it's 90 days. I do have to wonder what makes people think things will have changed in those three months... 🤦‍♂️

Delusional🤷‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Chloebear said:

"When people get aggro and start attacking on a thread (or express something that’s harmful) that there’s an issue."

You are very correct!👍

Edited September 29, 2022 by Deleted Member

[Da****]

Yesterday at 05:44 AM, Aranhis said:

I think it's 90 days. I do have to wonder what makes people think things will have changed in those three months... 🤦‍♂️

For me, I know you ladies get lots of messages and maybe we got "lost in the shuffle ".. so why not send a second respectful message... if there is still no response then move on.. now I know not everyone sends a respectful message so I totally understand the non

[Da****]

Just now, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

For me, I know you ladies get lots of messages and maybe we got "lost in the shuffle ".. so why not send a second respectful message... if there is still no response then move on.. now I know not everyone sends a respectful message so I totally understand the non

Non response

[Se****]

19 hours ago, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

I think part of the biggest issue with threads like these are that we all end up going round and round.. we all have our reasons why we don't reply or why we can't take "no" for a reason... and when we all start talking about it in a thread we all stick to our guns no matter which side of the fence we are on, so what have we accomplished....NOT MUCH if anything... one maybe we will all get what we want from messages from the opposite side of message but until then... stay safe

I’m not sure I agree with you on this at all. 

It’s been very interesting for me to read people’s responses to this thread and has actually made me think about a few things. 

For me my original opinion still stands. HOWEVER, I enjoy hearing the perspectives of others and am very happy to understand their side of things. And honestly, hearing what others say has changed my thought process and opinions more than once. 

And, @AmstelDom I think you’ve raised some very valid points so thank you. 
 

x

[UK****]

I've messaged many people here with full, witty, inviting, vanilla messages with pretty much no response. I sense that reverse filtering takes place so if I'm not what someone is looking (they think) then there is no courtesy shown. Its at odds when they say they're looking for friends. I am, too. A reply is appreciated but I do understand that many women get jaded by the sheer number of 'hi' messages. I thought more creative messages would illicit some kind of response though. Ho hum...