Deleted Member Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 So I mostly use the chat function here and use this site as a place to make and meet friends but something is drawing me to post something about this. Youth within the BDSM community is for some reason viewed as a positive thing for subs, something about innocence etc, I have seen countless doms say so ranging from the creepy to the experienced but I am at a loss as for a genuine reason why young dominants are so looked down upon. It makes sense to me that yes there are many not serious kinksters my age who don't understand etiquette or even have a basic understanding of the rules and roles surrounding BDSM relationships. I am just sick and tired of older doms who come into chat, flirt with my babygirl, act like somehow because they are older they are a superior dom to me. The same in the forum where I read valid and well thought out responses by younger people being written off by members of the "old guard", the concept that the old way of doing things is automatically the best is flawed and frustrating new ideas should be allowed to grow, a mixture of both approaches is almost always the best approach when there are two supposedly "conflicting" ideologies. Essentially I am asking people here who know me, who have spoken to me and understand my approach to the scene to actually tell me what is it about my age that makes me less of a dom? Feel free to ask me questions about my approach if you want to as well.
Deleted Member Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 "Age equals neither maturity, nor experience, nor skill." - Lexaas Lanthrope I too have discovered that you apparently need experience to gain experience, which is of course not possible to achieve. Everyone has to start somewhere. So long as us young Dominants are polite and are open to new information, I think it's best just to ignore those negative people. This is a positive website, and as such you are not obligated to let people offend you. You have to learn, so persevere. If you'd like to chat, Dom to Dom, I'd be happy to exchange experiences and knowledge.
ey**** Posted August 4, 2018 Posted August 4, 2018 I've a lot of views on this - I probably won't get them into one message ;) But, yeah, in general I have seen negativity towards younger people. Not just online, but in assorted local scenes. Some areas have started what's called TNG (The Next Generation) munches as, like you say - new/young, particularly female, submissives are being creeped on. Even someone 'being friendly' may well be trying to manipulate her naivety. Younger submissive men sometimes told one thing or another - younger female Dominants accused of being golddiggers or whatever and younger male Dominants often frowned upon. And whilst what I've said is very heteronormitive - some of the older attitudes towards anyone LGBTQ+ is often being dismissed as "PC" or "SJW" - despite the fact what we know as the modern fet scene came from a gay background. The picture I'm ***ting isn't quite as grim as it sounds - because there are a lot of people, of all ages and backgrounds, who are good people and understand the craic - but obviously, I know what it's like : 10 good people and 1 who judges you and it's the 1 that craws in your throat. The first thing of course, none of us knows it all. It doesn't matter how many years you've been into things, how many workshops, how many people you've met - there's always a new idea or experience. There are a lot of challenges, of course, you find you're into kink and you discover a website or a community and people shun you on experience - it is, however, a sad fact of life that nobody owes you/us/anyone shit. But there's things you can do. Keep learning. Both in what you read/watch online - from others at munches, there'll be some who judge but plenty who won't... by Christ I get judged to fuck, but I do alright, workshops and demos are a good place to get skills and meet people and also demonstrate what you can do - and if there is stuff you need help with, demonstrating your own proactiveness will lead others to help. And then it doesn't matter. Someone on the internet thinks you're too young, but fuck 'em, you've found a space where plenty of people like you.
Deleted Member Posted August 4, 2018 Author Posted August 4, 2018 (edited) I don't know you, have never come across you in chat, so I can't comment on that, but I really understand your frustrations..what I will say, whether it helps or not, is this, the chat rooms are a hot bed of the half informed and self proclaimed experts, very often blended with chancers that hang onto every word as if it's some ecclesiastical pronouncement.. the emphasis on self proclaimed..there are also cliques that seem to enjoy chasing out newer members here..I think of them as a pack, the alpha couple holding a line protecting every prospective challenge to their perceived authority, invasion of "their territory" especially in the lobby..It does seem as if the young are dismissed, I have also seen and experienced female Dominants opinion, experience and advice ignored and shut down if it doesn't fit with the gospel according to them, or female submissives with years of experience to draw from, being told to shut up like a good girl, similarly they disparage in other ways deliberately addressing the pack and any male Dominant guests as you would expect but belittle females by refusing to capitalise a name for example, yet capitalisimg All males, commenting on the way "she" looks in either a overtly sexual way or in a way that puts them very firmly at the bottom of the pile, yet demand respect that they certainly have not earned or deserve ..they seperate and isolate, again in a similar way to a pack, so..I guess what I'm saying is they may see you as a threat, and try to provoke you by ignoring/belittling you and "claiming" your baby girl for the pack.. My advice would be to stop giving them so much power, don't worry if your ideologies, or style is different to theirs or anybody's else's.. as long as your girls safe emotionally and physically, and your play consensual do what makes you both happy, your own way ..you don't have to explain or justify yourself to anyone but yourself and your partner. Edited August 4, 2018 by Deleted Member Typos
Deleted Member Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 18 is simply too young to be a dom and offer what most subs will need. At the risk of being patronising... You're simply not old enough to know yourself let alone attempt to be a dominant. What can you possibly offer a 21+ sub. Don't get me wrong... there are 20 something dominant who belt their years but not many will find their sub side excited by a ***ager. Sorry.
Deleted Member Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 By all means learn your trade and aspire to it. But kickback at that age is normal and in no way ageist.
Deleted Member Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 I really like this post - his is something I experienced as well when I was younger (and still occasionally do today). I wouldn’t worry about this too muc though, as long as you and Babygirl are happy with how’re doing things there are no issues. In terms of the ‘old guard’ trying to claim... I’d say don’t be scared to put them in their place. If they’re so experienced then they should be well versed in not trying to take what isn’t theirs i the first place. There’s a bit of chancer in everyone, you just have to call them out on it!
Deleted Member Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 This is really interesting K. We have talked about this a lot and I have strong opinions which you know about. Dante is right, you won't know until you know.... you will only know in time. Respect is earned, being an apprentice (which I see all newbies as, esp those younger) will mean we face the gauntlet of the old guard. Challenge, discussion, sharing of ideas and practice, learning the skills..... the practical knowledge of what works, the emotional and psychological knowledge of yourself and others all feed into the process. I have a view on the "now generation", the instant gratification, instant knowledge, lack of patience and investment.... naturally as ***agers we all thought we knew it and wanted tomorrow today before it even got here. The seeking and desire for self knowledge is a long journey which you are lucky that you have started so young.... in my experience many don't until they are secured in adulthood (25+). Coming through this period will be the badge that you earn, the war wounds you gain will be worn with pride. I have no doubt you're where you need to be and will continue to grow. As we all will. Each persons path is different and finding security in yours will stand you in good stead. Be strong and patient 🔥
Deleted Member Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 Just a few things to mention. You need to stand your ground there are so many of the 50 shade players that think they know it all and know fuck all. This in now way refers to all the younger ones older too have the same arrogant attitude of self importance. Respect has to earnt it's not a given I as most walked the gauntlet of the old guard same as everyone. I never stop learning if someone has a good point I dont care if they are 22 or 62 if it's valid I'll listen. Some are protective of there traditional old guard values as they should be just because it's different to how you see it treat it with respect and move on. Don't give up hope, develop your own views, listen to advice and don't run before you can walk. C.
ey**** Posted August 5, 2018 Posted August 5, 2018 Something I did think about this morning, which a couple of people have touched on above. Anyone who has been about a bit - will have seen lots of newcomers who are idiots. There's also something great firewitch said above regarding 'instant gratification' and I think there's more and more in life *available now* but for some very good reasons, kink and BDSM is still very much a long game, or, journey. There's also newbies who come along and treat kink like a Tindr - hoping if they swipe enough times they'll get kinky fun : and well, it doesn't quite work like that. So, of course, sometimes a lot of newbies are up against that, being associated with all the fantasists, the time wasters and the general idiots. And I think there is disproportion against the young - because obviously if you're new and, say, 40 - you can mark yourself as Dominant (or whatever) and no one knows if you've 10 days, 10 months or 10 years experience (and I have seen new Dominants lie about their experience) but when you're younger people can often see you're inexperienced. I think it is important to know you will be associated with the idiots and show you're not one.
Deleted Member Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 The big difference in a great deal of ways is from my point of view. I got all the shit same as anyone but sucked it up and learned and carried on. And we had no real open forum for discussion and to an extent we would not have anyway because to bitch and moan looks like an inherent sign weakness and school yard metality.
Deleted Member Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 Okay, so the vast majority of my play has been with Doms and Sadists between 10 and 20 years younger than me (I'm 39) and it's been very, very positive. I find them more likely to be up for casual play, they're respectful of boundaries and limits, take consent super seriously and not one of them has tried to persuade me into play. ALL the problems I've had with Doms not accepting no as no have been older males, without exception. Age and experience are 2 different kettles of fish. And just because you have age it doesn't mean you have experience. What I think needs to be said is that their are fakers in it just because they think kinksters are easy of all ages and sexes. But just because they exist, I don't think we should assume every new person in here is a faker. Be respectful to everyone. And until they prove otherwise, take them at what they say they are.
Deleted Member Posted August 5, 2018 Author Posted August 5, 2018 Thank you all for your responses, I see a lot of your points and agree with many but not all. I weren't trying to whine at all here I think my issue more has been with the fact that this reputation still follows me despite being on here several months, being very involved in the chat and becoming a rather regular face, also I have been at this scene for a while for someone my age due to very extraneous circumstance. I have been regularly practicing kink and reading and learning for 2 and a half years now, I've had several subs both casual and serious ranging from 36 to my own age and @KinkedAskew I have offered to three separate subs 21+ experiences and comfort that they themselves remarked after I ended our play was above and beyond that which they received from Doms twice my age. I am quite satisfied with seeing everyone's opinions and reasons for them actually and I'm glad I was taken seriously. I continue to strive to learn and improve I had just at the point I posted this become infuriated with people who were much older than me but had far less experience than me talking down to me. :)
KHCurious Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 Hi @ Mr KBDJ (Ahhaaa any chance your a DJ ?) I dont think your whining lol This is just my opinion and I do apologise firstly if Ive offended anyone. Im a novice sub so dont know much aha 😅... I just gotta say this, its what you think it shouldnt be how other think of you ! ! ! Also age isnt a matter its what you think that matters ! You believe and think your great then you are great. That no one knows only yourself knows the answer ! 😉 So long as you and Baby Girl are happy isnt that not all that matters. 🙂 (Whats yours is yours no one can take it ... cause only you have that connection ) Simply to conclude u should tell yourself your awesome because you earned Baby Girl not for granted but trusted and to where you are now. Just enjoy it and let it flow and who cares what others say. Listen but the choice is yours are you gonna let those comments in your head or dont have to take it in heart if u get what I mean 😂 Lol. Prejudice always happens but YOLO 😉😊 #Smile
KHCurious Posted August 6, 2018 Posted August 6, 2018 17 hours ago, PuddinPanda said: I really like this post - his is something I experienced as well when I was younger (and still occasionally do today). I wouldn’t worry about this too muc though, as long as you and Babygirl are happy with how’re doing things there are no issues. In terms of the ‘old guard’ trying to claim... I’d say don’t be scared to put them in their place. If they’re so experienced then they should be well versed in not trying to take what isn’t theirs i the first place. There’s a bit of chancer in everyone, you just have to call them out on Not with me ahaha 😘
DomTD Posted August 7, 2018 Posted August 7, 2018 I have found this all too common as well. I've been dismissed as inexperienced, incompetent and even called a child because of my appearance. I'm yet to meet anyone online that is into the lifestyle and accepting of my age, experience/competency and the fact that I look younger than I am. It's entirely frustrating, because as you say it's perfectly acceptable for subs to be youthful, but seemingly not for doms. I've been to meet ups, parties, the lot and had exactly the same luck there too. I'm starting to feel like I should just give up and settle for a mundane vanilla relationship.
Deleted Member Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 (edited) On 8/7/2018 at 11:22 AM, DomTD said: I have found this all too common as well. I've been dismissed as inexperienced, incompetent and even called a child because of my appearance. I'm yet to meet anyone online that is into the lifestyle and accepting of my age, experience/competency and the fact that I look younger than I am. It's entirely frustrating, because as you say it's perfectly acceptable for subs to be youthful, but seemingly not for doms. I've been to meet ups, parties, the lot and had exactly the same luck there too. I'm starting to feel like I should just give up and settle for a mundane vanilla relationship. In some ways your final sentence says it all. If you have the attitude that you should quit your in the wrong place . Your 22 do you think your going to automatically going get respect NO your not you dont have the life experience or maturity that a grest deal look for or that's how you are going to be judged . You have 2 choices ether suck it up and keep going or throw the teddy out and quit . Each choice will define how you are perceived. This life takes years to gain the personal insight it's not over night . One thing to remember the D type takes in huge responsibility this is the main point here and the ability to handle that responsibility with maturity and calm confidence. Edited August 16, 2018 by Deleted Member
Deleted Member Posted August 16, 2018 Author Posted August 16, 2018 It's perfectly fine to express frustration here. It's legitimate to feel that way and shouldn't be vilified as the wrong attitude. It's frustration. We all feel it sometime. This is the right place to be if you feel like that. We're accepting here at Fetish.com, not judgemental. We want to encourage everyone to enjoy kink and be here to support when issues arise. But patience is often the name of the game. @DomTD it's worth thinking about your approach to people when you're at parties, munches, etc. So, from my own experience, I respond positively to people who chat to me to get to know me as a person, that can include my kinky aspects.I respond negatively to people who talk at me as the receptacle for their chosen fetish/kink. I'm not saying your doing the second thing btw, just giving an example. Sometimes people are perfectly nice and respectful and lovely but I just don't feel a connection with them. You gotta accept that's how it goes sometimes. In short, don't give up. Have a little patience. :)
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