So be honest, what am I doing wrong?

[Je****]

9 hours ago, RayneBloBrite said:

There IS one other thing I'd like to share that has been on my mind since the beginning of this thread:

 

Slightly disagree with RopesAndBallgag, even though after rereading his comment I see where he is coming from. To post on a forum for understanding and support does not have to be "crying" for help. Neither should we shame ANYONE who does, no matter what side of the slash they fall on. If we cannot come to our Community, our People, our Friends with our doubts, worries and problems, then who? If we do not support Each Other, then we All Lose. *mini rant over* 

I think I must have missed that comment, as usually I am a bit of a 'fly to shit' with comments like that *eeek*. 

But I agree with you and Eyem. 

These forums are for everyone, and sometimes they're helpful, sometimes there is criticism and ridicule. Heck I've been on the bad end of a poorly worded post or two when I first started.... But..

Asking for help or guidance I have always felt is a key point to learning, growing, improving and opens the minder not only to the OP but others reading it 

*A person said above they reworded their own ad after reading one of the comments, which I think is great they got inspo from the comments/posts.

I also think it's great OP did ask, it's been a mostly healthy post/discussion and I hope from it he can find his groove and work it to find someone  

[No****]

Honestly I get more luck in Tinder and Reddit than this app. I’m going to call it quits and just erase my profile soon.

[ge****]

15 hours ago, NostalgicGuy said:

Honestly I get more luck in Tinder and Reddit than this app. I’m going to call it quits and just erase my profile soon.

Thing is though - you joined the site 4 days ago, have a profile that tells anyone looking at it virtually nothing - do you really expect to have had any "luck"?
.
As a dominant, potential partners will want to be able to see they're placing themselves in safe hands with you, that you have experience or are willing to learn and more, yet nothing about your profile does that.
.
And I use "luck" in quotes above because while there are elements of chance involved in sites like this - they mostly aren't down to luck but things that are entirely within your own hands - things like writing a decent profile that sells yourself, having a decent set of pics, finding the right approach and attitude, having the correct expectations, and much more - get them right and it won't guarantee a thing but will improve your experience and perception of the site - get them wrong and you'll continue to be frustrated.

[Tr****]

I’m not going to reread 77 comments lol but I figured out by now there was some trolling going on by people above.

My take man?
1: confidence. Women (and men to a point) see when you have self doubt with things. For me it’s my appearance. I personally don’t think I’m attractive at all, so I typically don’t put myself out there however on another site I just joined I have women messaging me first. Not boasting in the slightest either but confidence is key. It can help you just as much as it can hinder you. How do you think the slobs get the amazing girls? Or vise versa? I mean the people who shower 3 times a week, don’t care about appearance or personal hygiene, have dead end jobs etc etc but they match with someone way “out of their league (what ever that means..)” ?

They’re confident!! Also probably great in bed and make the other person laugh, but confident!

2: everyone is saying lower your standards, to a point, yes, that’s true. But in the same token (again personally) why? I know what I want and need from another person. Quick examples are they have to be fit and outdoorsy (I raced moto almost professionally, rock climb, back pack, hike etc), they need to non materialistic/somewhat of a minimalist (I don’t like having a bunch of shit around my house so it’s pretty blank, plus I’m hardly ever home), they need to be able to have a 23/7 dynamic or willing to work into that (yes, 23/7. Not a typo. Not going to explain that here), and they need to be willing to go to church because God is something I hold in my life. Obviously, physical attraction is as important as mental as well but that doesn’t need an explanation.
Those I will not drop for anyone.
Things I will? I prefer someone who is short, now if I find someone who is tall but matches everything else and we click? What ever. What I’m trying to say is lower your standards, but lower the ones that don’t matter, not the ones that alter who you are or what you need from a relationship.
I did just that. Lowered my standards, had a decent 6 years with the person. Now I’m spending 10s of thousands on lawyers and am in a wicked custody battle. All because I decided to say “ya know what, I’ll drop all of my standards” even the ones that were nonnegotiable. Note I’m paying for it. Extreme example, but example nonetheless.


I’m not preaching to you either, I have to remind myself this every day.

[Tr****]

But opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.

Also, love is like a fart… if you have to *** it, then it’s probably shit.

Cheers

[po****]

My personal opinion on expectations from online sites like this is, I don't expect. First of all, this is not the way to meet anyone of any substance or character. There are to many predators of both genders out there and who would be worth the risk? No one. Also, based on the negative feedback I find online, this site is of questionable purposes. I also notice that most members haven't been back on the site in 3 weeks or longer. You can't really expect to have any kind of dialogue with someone who only comes around once a month. I have been a active member on FetLife for 10 years and it's the same there. Mostly, I hear from gay men or transgenders but I rarely get any followers or friend requests from women. I think despite the way women use language that suggests they really want to meet, when push comes to shove, they are hesitant. I have always done better by being part of traditional "social" venues than so-called dating apps. Once you make eye contact and are genuine, you can't miss. Both men and women want to establish a comfort zone first before moving to the next step and you can only do that in a normal neutral turf situation like parks, beaches, concerts, sporting events etc. Frankly, I don't know how I'd react if a woman came on to strong and was insisting on meeting. I can't even find one who is willing to talk on the phone. For me, texting is not going to work. I have to hear a voice and get spontaneous responses instead of prepared or rehearsed one sentence texts. I believe if there is someone out there like me who is sincere and has nothing to hide, they would agree with me about having a real conversation instead of vague responses from text messaging. I would suggest that you lower your expectations with online dating/meetup apps and get back in the groove of normal traditional ways to meet women. I think we are on the downhill side of COVID and by the time we get into late summer, things should be close to what we used to call normal. I should also mention that I have lived in San Francisco all my life and we are fortunate to have just about everything in the way of open sexual attitudes. If it ain't happening here, it's just not happening. Bay Area women have always been more open and willing to meet people for sexual encounters. Anyway, that's my two cents.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Tradesman536 said:

everyone is saying lower your standards, to a point, yes, that’s true. But in the same token (again personally) why?

I don't think 'everyone' was saying that - but, actually.  

As a general rule I don't think anyone should lower their standards.   

I think it is important to be able to demonstrate how someone meets the standards of others - I also think it is important to be realistic about what others may be interested in.

I also think it is important to be consistent with standards.

So if for example you are a Male Dominant who has a prefered dynamic of 1950s Housewife - that's fine - great!   But it would make little sense messaging people who show little/no desire for that type of dynamic (otherwise your standards are "anyone who'll accept my terms") or if of course people "might be open to it" and you won't know until you chat - being realistic that they might take one look at profile and go "nope not for me" - which is fine as it saves both of your time 

[Pr****]

I have been on this site for about a year now, through my “metamorphosis as a fet member” I have thought the same thing you have asked. I looked through your profile which currently has way more detail than mine and from a male perspective is ok, however you have had many of the respected women on this site point out there take on your profile. I would seriously listen to these ladies, they took the time to respond and are valued in this community. You also have a few of the male members that add value to our community and their opinions. 
In my opinion you just signed up on this site 2 weeks ago, give it time you will find your place here. Change your profile or don’t with enough time you will find your friends here. 
Gotta give you credit also for posting this topic, by doing so you got a response and people have taken notice of you. 
Good Luck 

Edited May 29, 2022 by Mrgoodtime124
Spelling error

[ey****]

3 hours ago, poonocchio69 said:

I rarely get any followers or friend requests from women

like a lot of things - the question to me here is what do they *gain* by following/friending you ?  
On Fetlife I have over 500 followers and over 500 friends - scrolling through my followers around 30-40% are women.  I would have to run a survey to be "hey, why do you follow me?" but I imagine it is either because of the things I write or pictures I share and people find it interesting or of value to them.  Otherwise, there's no point

3 hours ago, poonocchio69 said:

I have always done better by being part of traditional "social" venues

it's something which is always underestimated.  of course, you go out and it might feel couple-y or that some people are in friend groups or whatever, and you don't know people's relationship status... but there are two big get outs.

1) It tells others you are real, will meet, and are interested in learning more

2) it introduces you to others you know are real

I always think it's easier if you treat sites like this as a supplement to in-person events rather than a replacement 

[po****]

I respect your opinion but I have to disagree. First of all, the only time I can remember that this type of "socializing" had any degree of success was in the early days of Craigslist. Basically, it was informal and ad rates were reasonable. Then bad things began happening and bad people turned Craigslist into a place where personals were pulled. Backpage was the same. But, that was 10-15 years ago. The only legit fetish site with longevity is FetLife*. I don't believe that this works even as a supplemental to traditional meeting or dating. There's to much apprehension and tentativeness because of the anonymity. Look, at the risk of sounding like a old fart (which I am) nothing beats the old one-on-one scene where eye contact and body language will tell you more than all the profile pics and bio's. I know this is true because I used to post ads in the fetish and swingers newspapers in the 70's and 80's that were sold in adult book stores. There was no internet or cellphones and people were honest and accessable. You couldn't hide behind some fake profile. If there was a time when you could have some success at meeting someone online, it has long since passed. Even pay sites like Alt* had real people with real profiles but again, that was before the internet became a sanctuary for predators. I have been doing this long enough to know that these days, time is just to valuable to me to waste online and the risks involved aren't worth it. The reason why I didn't complete my profile here is because I wanted to test it out first and feel my way around and after a month I can conclude that this is just another dead end. But, I appreciate your input.

Edited May 29, 2022 by FETMOD-TF
*External links removed

[ey****]

When I say supplementary.

If, for example, I go to a munch (which I do) and I meet a whole bunch of people who all seem nice.  So we 'add' each other online.  I can then see the sort of things they post (and they can see what I post) and this has made me at times think "actually, no" about people or draw me towards others - consider this is mostly people I have met or are likely to meet.   

As a spin off; there's been folk I've interacted with via writings/photos/whatever who we have then been able to vouch for each other via folk we've met and then, say, done the go-out-for-tea and decide to go ahead with play

Mind. I don't feel an incomplete profile is anyway to gauge if something is a deadend or not since you've already set yourself up for a position people would find off-putting.  You're already wasting your own time with a lacklustre approach when you already have a method which works for you. 

[co****]

I'm in the same boat I have a job own my house and Cadillac escalade and watched 4 different women go a f**k a homeless man with herpes so wtf

[Er****]

34 minutes ago, colbert496 said:

I'm in the same boat I have a job own my house and Cadillac escalade and watched 4 different women go a f**k a homeless man with herpes so wtf

Why are you stalking a homeless man?

[Therapist]

17 hours ago, poonocchio69 said:

I respect your opinion but I have to disagree. First of all, the only time I can remember that this type of "socializing" had any degree of success was in the early days of Craigslist. Basically, it was informal and ad rates were reasonable. Then bad things began happening and bad people turned Craigslist into a place where personals were pulled. Backpage was the same. But, that was 10-15 years ago. The only legit fetish site with longevity is FetLife*. I don't believe that this works even as a supplemental to traditional meeting or dating. There's to much apprehension and tentativeness because of the anonymity. Look, at the risk of sounding like a old fart (which I am) nothing beats the old one-on-one scene where eye contact and body language will tell you more than all the profile pics and bio's. I know this is true because I used to post ads in the fetish and swingers newspapers in the 70's and 80's that were sold in adult book stores. There was no internet or cellphones and people were honest and accessable. You couldn't hide behind some fake profile. If there was a time when you could have some success at meeting someone online, it has long since passed. Even pay sites like Alt* had real people with real profiles but again, that was before the internet became a sanctuary for predators. I have been doing this long enough to know that these days, time is just to valuable to me to waste online and the risks involved aren't worth it. The reason why I didn't complete my profile here is because I wanted to test it out first and feel my way around and after a month I can conclude that this is just another dead end. But, I appreciate your input.

To be fair well said. I'm newly single after a long time an all dating apps are the same. I'm on Fetlife but it's more a kinky version of Fb to honest.

[ey****]

35 minutes ago, Therapist said:

I'm on Fetlife but it's more a kinky version of Fb to honest.

Fetlife was never set up with dating in mind.   It is also one of the reasons you cannot search/filter for people.   That is not to say people can't meet people via there - but it goes into what I was saying about being supplementary and something which can be used as part of a wider community.

You go to a munch, meet a bunch of people, 'friend' each other - this then of course starts to push you into others' feeds as they interact with you and others into your feed.  You can use this as a further way to kinda learn more about each other (for better or worse) and come across other people you think are cool - you then go back to a munch and not only have the folk you spoke to last time, and people who you could meet, there's then those who you've seen online, or they've seen you online so there may already be icebreakers.

It's not impossible to just meet people online; but it's more difficult for assorted reasons.  

[el****]

I know exactly how you feel.

Same for me, not just here, but on the "normal" dating sites.
You see girls complain that no one ever replies, but then when we do they never reply either.

Annoys me when people like that complain, never fill in their bio, but then also don't like messages of just "Hey". If they don't gimme something to go off, how else are you to approach a conversation.


I dunno how people who have met their other half online do it!?
Or those who are just looking to hook up.

[el****]

"It’s difficult to be *** with someone when the expectation is hair, make up, perfume, etc from the get go and all the time. I wouldn’t interact, because all of that is window dressing. I want my trusted partners to accept me in sweats and a messy bun, too"

I wouldn't expect that all the time at all. Come as you are. Sure, dress up, put on make-up etc, but just leave that for special occasions.

[ge****]

16 minutes ago, elessar91 said:

I know exactly how you feel.

Same for me, not just here, but on the "normal" dating sites.
You see girls complain that no one ever replies, but then when we do they never reply either.

Annoys me when people like that complain, never fill in their bio, but then also don't like messages of just "Hey". If they don't gimme something to go off, how else are you to approach a conversation.


I dunno how people who have met their other half online do it!?
Or those who are just looking to hook up.

If someone is giving you "nothing to go off" why would you be considering messaging them in the first place though?
.
Meeting people via sites like this is all about having the right expectations, the right attitude and finding the right approach that works for you (it doesn't have to be about sending random messages to other profiles) - couple it will a decent profile and pictures and you won't be going far wrong, it won't guarantee a thing but it will improve both your experience and perception of the site.

[ey****]

46 minutes ago, elessar91 said:

Annoys me when people like that complain, never fill in their bio, but then also don't like messages of just "Hey". If they don't gimme something to go off, how else are you to approach a conversation.

I feel this is a bit circular.  But this is something where you stop and have to think.  

Why are you messaging them?

And to a degree this is me being passive - there is zero reason to message someone you don't even know why you're messaging (unless it's an optimistic hope you hit some jackpot)

But to a degree this isn't.  Like is their profile truly blank? If there is anything to go off - even locality? "Hey I notice you're local to me have you ever been to *kink event* - I have and it's pretty cool / or / I haven't but heard it's good" 
Or what do you want to know about this other person ? Obviously not a 20 questions - or a request for their life story

But. Pre-empt this conversation
"Hey"
"Hey"
"How are you?"
"I'm OK, how are you"
"I'm good..."

So at that point in the conversation how were you planning on getting out of small talk Hell?  And whatever you were going to ask at that point - why not ask it in the very first message?
Sure writing "Hey there, how are you - I saw your profile and that you're in my kinda area, what are you hoping to get out of the site?" (or whatever) while you might have totally wasted time with those extra key presses - it still wastes less time than if you ask that as an exit from small talk Hell and her answer is something you are completely disinterested in.  

1 hour ago, elessar91 said:

I dunno how people who have met their other half online do it!?

Passive connections.

Criminally underrated. 

[Qu****]

You don't even have self control... No one is going to let you control them. Lose the weight. Get in shape. Wanna be Dom, gotta earn it.

[BruiseWayne]

On 5/30/2022 at 11:06 AM, elessar91 said:

I dunno how people who have met their other half online do it!?
Or those who are just looking to hook up.

The relationship is over now, but short story of how I met my ex of 7 years or so OL..

 

We're both artists and round about the time we met I decided to start designing pop culture related T-shirts. She was doing the same. On the sites that would sell them I would post art and was active in the forums. I made some friends there and a few of them started up a FB group for people who all designed shirts for the Tee-a-day sites that started popping up all over the place back then and invited me into it. So I started participating in that group, which she was a part of, along with the T-shirt designer community at large, which seems like a very silly thing  but trust me it exists, lol. In the group we began interacting with each other by commenting on posts, making jokes on each others' and replying to comments etc like ya do. It was a bunch of nerdy art folks so we would do cheeky shit like have weekly group vid chats, often drunken ( sometimes pantsless, lol ), which we would both participate in, and yeah from there we started talking to each other in DMs after we got friendly with one another. Turned out she was interested in kink so I taught her a lot about it, and we started getting close. From there we started a long distance relationship for a bout a year, moved in together after that, and the rest is history.

 

One of those 'passive connections' things eyem's talking about.

 

Granted it wasn't through a dating site, and I wasn't even necessarily looking for a relationship at the time, but sometimes it just happens like that.

 

On a site like this though I don't think the passive connection angle is quite as successful as just approaching people because honestly IMHO not enough folks on here are all that interested in the forums or chat to begin with. Sure there's a decent amount and anything you do to put yourself out there and get noticed helps, but in this particular instance I would just focus on messaging whoever you like and seeing what happens.

[Qu****]

Your entire experience has been online-so you have been tricked into thinking that there are female subs out there. There aren't... Obviously 😂 🤣 and the few that exist, are with rich, good looking men.

[CopperKnob]

Yesterday at 04:16 AM, QueenFairian said:

You don't even have self control... No one is going to let you control them. Lose the weight. Get in shape. Wanna be Dom, gotta earn it.

I have absolutely no idea why you felt the need to be so rude to someone I'm guessing you don't know?
Body shaming is never acceptable.
You realise that any comments you make in the forums are available to be seen by anyone visiting your profile?

[lo****]

Confidence is key ... not o well I think I can .. or I may be able to ..nah ..real Confidence if you believe it ..it will it will be so .. an so shall they believe .. whether it be man or women ..no one want a other half ..master. mistress that is shakey or iffy .. or some timey .. focus on ur self first ...ever heard the term ...thy will be done ... if u don't/ can't believe in you ..how do u expect others to?

[br****]

Tuesday at 03:16 AM, QueenFairian said:

You don't even have self control... No one is going to let you control them. Lose the weight. Get in shape. Wanna be Dom, gotta earn it.

you're not exactly Kate Moss yourself, do you feel better about yourself by putting others down?