Normal to NEED dominance?

[Nori-j]

So I met my other half through playing, he was always super dominant and got me to let go better then anyone I’ve ever been with he was very patient introducing new things and we always communicated what we wanted to try and when we were ready. We started slow a built up what we played with and then when it came to getting my collar and my own personal cuffs we ended up starting an actual relationship. But since then we don’t seem to play anymore? I try to lead it there or I’ll purposefully break an old rule to get a reaction and just nothing? I don’t know if he feels we don’t need it now but what if I do? Not being a sub really upsets me? I don’t feel wanted or as cared for. I’ve brought it up and he didn’t feel like it was such a big deal? Like I was putting too much into “just sex” but to me it feels like more then that? I don’t feel grounded if that makes any sense I feel lost? Maybe I was putting too much on him? I just wonder if any others feel such a big loss from the loss of a dynamic change? It feels really hard to explain the whole feeling o guess but I feel like I don’t know where I stand now? Like I’m not me? Has anyone experienced this? Does it fade? 

Edited June 1, 2022 by Nori-j
Typo

[Cheekysub247]

Could he be 'bedroom only' and you're 'lifestyle '
Could explain why you think about it more and have the lost feeling x

[ey****]

I'm sorry to hear this

I have two initial trains of thought

1) there is a problem not necessarily just linked to guys - but - where there are some who will work towards a target and then not necessarily know where to go

there's an awful lot of sub guys, for example, who work up to a collar with someone and then once they earn it they feel they've nothing more to work towards and it slacks.   Sometimes the same can be in effort in relationships.  In some cases it might be they got their outcome so feel they don't need to try - in others maybe they don't know what to do next.

In his case it may be a collared sub was his objective but now he has that he doesn't know what to do

2) A lot of relationship dynamics change

not just in kink but in everything - after the so-called 'honeymoon period' - and sometimes of course this is when relationships either end or adjust.   It feels like possibly him collaring you may have marked the end of that period.

---

I have been through similar with someone - in this case there was no collaring but it felt like our dynamic shifted and I was putting more in for less out and that started to really kinda eat me up - even though I may well have been unrealistic

it is possibly best for a sit down and talk of what you enjoy that you are no longer doing and trying to work out how you can incorporate that into your relationship.  I'm sure/hope things can be worked out. 

[nu****]

Hey Nori-j, you need to communicate with him about this. A relationship with BDSM involved requires a lot of communication, honesty and trust.
You definitely need to find a good moment to sit down with him and talk it through. Honestly. You need to be absolutely open about it and don’t be afraid to ask tough questions and express your view of the situation and insist on requiring an honest answer, no matter how ***ful it can be.
Make also sure to be ready for him to say hurtful things. And if he does, be thankful for his honesty.

Also, if you get a feeling he no longer is able to be honest with you, it’s time to think about other avenues as loosing trust is usually fatal to the relationship.

[steamchimp]

All 'novelty' periods wear off whether it's a relationship or a new job. Everyday life becomes an increasing factor, especially in a relationship but ANY situation. I've no idea how long you've been together and it doesn't matter; people's priorities change over time. Could be quick or long. I'm 51 next month but it's only relatively recently I'll say what I want sexually. Basically I've reached the point that I don't give a shit who knows now. Having said that, I've always said every single person has multiple personalities. We all react differently with different people. Was talking about this earlier with a friend of mine who's involved in this way of life. He may not feel it's a constant for you. It could be anything, but press him for an answer. General people think something like bondage is perverse. Whatever; I think the whole dynamics of this in any form is of intense intimacy. Everyone alive has fantasies but either won't admit it or hide it. And the point about intimacy is that most people would fuck for a one night stand but I know they'd shit themselves if you suggested bondage. Total trust is needed for intimacy, so find out why it's changed.

[Nori-j]

Thanks everyone for the messages! 
i have brought it up with him before but he says I’m too focused on the sex part of our relationship and then I just feel bad about it? I’ve tried to explain it’s not so much the sex and the intimacy and the bond we had but he doesn’t really get it? We went from a steady flow of scenes and rewards to just nothing?  And I kind of feel like and idiot to say I don’t get praise anymore? It feels so stupid to say but it feels like a big loss. If I ever bring it up he thinks I’m just nagging about sex he doesn’t see why suddenly not having dominance would bother me so much  

[steamchimp]

Unfortunately it seems that the novelty of somebody new has worn off. Happens with most people in one situation or another. People in general become complacent in many ways without realising it. It's why so many have affairs or get divorced. Whether it's for you or not, swingers or those in open relationships are at an advantage there. At least they admit to each other that they're still going to find others attractive however committed they are to each other. Not saying this is the case, it could be something like work or anything for that matter that he just doesn't want to tell you about at the moment.

[Lo****]

To me, this sounds like you might be being played. His response to your concerns sounds like he’s trying to diminish you or gaslighting you. I would be very uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who changed so much so quickly and dismissed my concerns as not being a big deal or as nagging. 
 

He sounds toxic. 

[nu****]

10 hours ago, Nori-j said:

If I ever bring it up he thinks I’m just nagging about sex he doesn’t see why suddenly not having dominance would bother me so much  

It's time to look for other avenues then. He clearly doesn't care about your needs anymore. I offered the communication before, because you do need to make him understand how important it is to have a healthy BDSM relationship and that he will lose you. If his response is to make you feel like an idiot. It's time to end it and find someone, who will appreciate your submission. It's the greatest gift you can offer as a sub and if someone doesn't care about it, that someone doesn't deserve you.

I'm sorry, if the above words sound harsh, as it is not an easy thing.

BDSM is intimate, it is very powerful and creates bonds, that can be stronger than in vanilla relationship. It is going to probably hurt, when you leave him, but ultimately it will be better and healthier for you. Nobody deserves to feel like an idiot in a relationship. That's just wrong.

[ol****]

Several things are possible here, they all need to be considered:

• He ran through a series of scenes and has run out of imagination.
• He has other things on his mind. (like rising bills or work pressures etc. and he's worried about looking after you.)
• As your relationship has developed he now sees you differently.

Any of the foregoing is a possible explanation. I think the key is in your comment that he says you are too focussed on sex. This is an odd thing for a guy to say.

[Lo****]

20 hours ago, oldfellow said:

Several things are possible here, they all need to be considered:

• He ran through a series of scenes and has run out of imagination.
• He has other things on his mind. (like rising bills or work pressures etc. and he's worried about looking after you.)
• As your relationship has developed he now sees you differently.

Any of the foregoing is a possible explanation. I think the key is in your comment that he says you are too focussed on sex. This is an odd thing for a guy to say.

I appreciate he may have those things on his mind, but he’s not being honest if that is the case. Instead of telling her what’s on his mind, he’s pushing the blame onto the OP and making her feel bad for wanting things to continue in the same way that they have been. That’s completely not on.

[ol****]

1 hour ago, Lockfairy said:

I appreciate he may have those things on his mind, but he’s not being honest if that is the case. Instead of telling her what’s on his mind, he’s pushing the blame onto the OP and making her feel bad for wanting things to continue in the same way that they have been. That’s completely not on.

While I agree with you I'm also aware that some guys find it quite difficult to talk about things. It's also entirely possible he does not know what the issue is. Ego isalways a player and admitting to himself that he is the issue, if that is the case, may take some time. Let's just hope the OP and her guy can find the time and space for an honest conversation.

[Nori-j]

On 6/3/2022 at 1:32 PM, oldfellow said:

Several things are possible here, they all need to be considered:

• He ran through a series of scenes and has run out of imagination.
• He has other things on his mind. (like rising bills or work pressures etc. and he's worried about looking after you.)
• As your relationship has developed he now sees you differently.

Any of the foregoing is a possible explanation. I think the key is in your comment that he says you are too focussed on sex. This is an odd thing for a guy to say.

I don’t know, it’s my house so I cover all the bills so I don’t think that would come into it? I try and ask if there’s something he needs help with or if he is okay. He says he’s fine and he doesn’t need to talk about anything and I try to ask now and then to make sure. 
he used to love the fact I have a high sex drive but I guess the novelty has wore off. Tbh it’s the intimacy I miss the most anyway not even the sex.  Thanks for the reply though I appreciate all the advice I’m getting 

[ol****]

12 hours ago, Nori-j said:

I don’t know, it’s my house so I cover all the bills so I don’t think that would come into it? I try and ask if there’s something he needs help with or if he is okay. He says he’s fine and he doesn’t need to talk about anything and I try to ask now and then to make sure. 
he used to love the fact I have a high sex drive but I guess the novelty has wore off. Tbh it’s the intimacy I miss the most anyway not even the sex.  Thanks for the reply though I appreciate all the advice I’m getting 

OK, So does your partner contribute anything to the running of the household? I'm assuming he lives with you? If so, then how invested is he in the idea of you as a couple?

You may have to face the possibility, as others have said in different ways, that he's run out of scenes or imagination or that he's the sort of "been there, done that, got the tee-shirt" sort of guy.

You clearly crave more of a 24/7 (or at least part of every day) D/s relationship. Are you sure, again as has been mentioned, that your guy is actually D? If he is he should be listening and responding better, even if the pair of you ultimately decide that your needs had his don't align.

[Reaper3110]

In my experience when someone loses interest that quick it because they have found something new to play with but I could be wrong I’m not the font of all knowledge but I have experienced this myself x

[sl****]

I don't believe in honeymoon phases because I don't understand how I'd ever stop desiring my partner. Sure life happens and maybe we couldn't play as much, but the desire remains. IMO it's a choice whether 2 people decide to keep the desire alive and it sounds like this is no longer a priority for your Dom. If that's the case and he is unwilling to put in the work then you will need to make some choices for yourself. Don't settle for someone who won't reciprocate.

[Deleted Member]

I don't think my appetite for kink sex would ever be sated.

[Deleted Member]

A very open and honest communication and what each other wants is needed, and about Joe happy each are into relationship. Is couples relationship counselling an affordable option if needed?