Not kink specific

[Deleted Member]

Shiiittt, for me the pullout was a few bottles of Jameson, a week camping alone, fishing, hunting and making friends with a momma black bear- realizing if they cheat on you mostly likely they’ll cheat again so even if they left you for someone- they’ll probably leave that person too and then they’ll be in an unloving spiral. So if your vindictive that will give you a good chuckle every now and then. Plus it means- they saved you a f**k load of time and effort trying to pour more into a straight up sunken cost, always better if you find out rather than it be too late. Cheers and find someone where you never have to feel like you should hide a damn thing about yourself.

[Ci****]

Thank you for posting your comment and situation about being cheated on and how to move on.
I’ve read every comment so far and each one has a little something to take away and use. (Except for one a**hole).
My wife cheated on me and after a 17 year relationship we are divorced.
Right now it’s a very weird situation to be 51, single, coparenting kids, and trying to date. 
Putting myself out to the dating world has been fraught with the reality is there’s fake profiles and scammers at every turn. There’s no advice in this comment about how to get over the betrayal and hurt of a cheating spouse.. It seems that’s such a personal journey and any advice from me is only from my personal experience. The reason for my comment is to thank you for your courage and strength to put it out there. From how quickly the comments have stacked up, you’ve definitely hit a nerve that many of us have experienced.

[Deleted Member]

My last serious thing turned controllingly abusive during its final year or two, ended in cheating too. For me the only thing is time and fresh experiences that become the fresher joys and upsets in your mind. I doubt I’ll ever have those bad things in my past totally gone not the good things that helped shape me too. But the “I stopped loving myself” line feels crucial here. While your focus is still on who hurt you and their view of the world will you always see yourself as worthless through their eyes? And need to find new things to do that give you value: that may mean years of not dating etc because you throw yourself into, say, community work or art?

[Deleted Member]

Being of similar age I wonder also if you might have a “need to fix this before I’m too old” *** going on? As I have that some days.

[Sc****]

Mindset. Everyone is different but the ine think that doesn't change is the mindset one has when approaching the situation. Know that it wasn't your fault they made a decision and that you can't change the past. So now you have to let yourself grieve the loss then move on being the best version of you.

[xm****]

31 minutes ago, sff said:

Being of similar age I wonder also if you might have a “need to fix this before I’m too old” *** going on? As I have that some days.

It’s more of a “I’m too old to keep trying over with someone new just to have the same results” while I love who I’m currently dating (hasn’t cheated yet to my knowledge, but also am waiting for it to happen cuz I wouldn’t be surprised) I have for at least 5 years, if not more, felt I’m not meant to have a relationship-or at least not a long term happy one…there’s a lot of things that factor in (childhood related) things that probably shouldn’t and wouldn’t to other people, but they do for me because of who I am as an individual…

[xm****]

I really do appreciate everything everyone’s said, regardless of if it’s “helpful” or not to others.
I truly do value everyone’s perspective, and will look into the things that have been suggested by a few of you.
I know I shouldn’t be in relationships of any kind, my one ex (the starter of a lot of my inner ***) has been telling me for years not to date and to focus on myself (while simultaneously dating me off and on cuz he couldn’t be simply friends, which is what I wanted and needed 🙄) but that’s a whole other story that I don’t feel like being judged for atm lol
I’m not big on opening up and sharing things, especially when people know my real life identity vs my internet persona that I try to keep anonymous for personal reasons, which is why I’ve not gone to a therapist or anything yet even tho part of me knows I should, I just hate talking about things-especially things that hurt me, I much rather be there for other people than have people there for me, even tho I want people to be there for me but I also don’t want to be a burden to them…
My. Brain. 😑

[al****]

Toughen up, listen u have to realize that when ur in a relationship doesn’t mean u own the person …. If they wanna “cheat@ they will…. My rule is just don’t ever let me find out hide it we’ll! Second rule introduce three sums into the relationship that shit will make u sink or swim real quick … J’s
Take it from me… make porn for a living, been married to the best human I’ve ever met for almost 10 years and we have female entertainment about 3’ s a month …. We ain’t about to cheat on each other and loose all that 😂😂 Just sayin

[Ph****]

You're "too nice" or just not vetting the people you date enough. Make it clear in the beginning that you don't want to be cheated on. Being too nice actually means pushed around, you don't have to say sorry so much...
I think you'll find yourself a lot happier if you express your emotions more with friends and at bars/clubs. Be yourself, talk to the ones you like, figure out how to do what you want to.

[DeviantInside]

9 hours ago, xmimixrosexlovex said:

I really do appreciate everything everyone’s said, regardless of if it’s “helpful” or not to others.
I truly do value everyone’s perspective, and will look into the things that have been suggested by a few of you.
I know I shouldn’t be in relationships of any kind, my one ex (the starter of a lot of my inner ***) has been telling me for years not to date and to focus on myself (while simultaneously dating me off and on cuz he couldn’t be simply friends, which is what I wanted and needed 🙄) but that’s a whole other story that I don’t feel like being judged for atm lol
I’m not big on opening up and sharing things, especially when people know my real life identity vs my internet persona that I try to keep anonymous for personal reasons, which is why I’ve not gone to a therapist or anything yet even tho part of me knows I should, I just hate talking about things-especially things that hurt me, I much rather be there for other people than have people there for me, even tho I want people to be there for me but I also don’t want to be a burden to them…
My. Brain. 😑

Ok, firstly my background, I'm a Hypnotherapist. That doesn't mean I know all the answers, but maybe have some level of insight. Specifically I'm a Solution Focused Hypnotherapist. Modern forms of therapy such as CBT, NLP and Solution Focused Brief Therapy focus more on getting you to where you want to go rather than looking back at what has happened in the past, in finding solutions, or more importantly helping you find your own solutions and giving you the tools to deal with stress, anxiety etc rather than discussing the problems. These therapies have mainly come about thanks to modern understandings of what goes on in the brain thanks to MRI and EEG, and the neruoscience that has come from that. When we're functioning from our limbic system (primitive brain, or fight flight depression area of the brain) we see things negatively, get obsessive thoughts, and always see the worst outcomes in every situation... and that is that part of the brain's job, it's our survival instinct. Depression, anxiety and anger all had an evolutionary purpose; to hide away from, run away from or fight danger. Unfortunately the primitive brain isn't rational and cannot recognise that we don't face much that is genuinely life threatening any more and so still treats stress, anxiety and trauma as if it was. What we want is to function from our intellectual mind and left prefrontal cortex, which allows us to be calm and rational. There are things we can do to help this and I made a similar post about that here: https://www.fetish.com/topic/35315-how-to-overcome-anxiety/

So if you do ever decide to look into therapy a solution focused approach might suit you better than traditional therapies possibly. Not saying one is necessarily better than the other as eveyone is different and may respond better to different apporaches.

As for general advice, yes time can help with processing things... but only if we are giving ourselves the capacity to process things and move on. If we're mired in our primitive brain we may only be going round in circles or even getting deeper into negative cycles of thinking. So much as a lot of people have said here, my advice would be (and by all means feel free to completely ignore it) to focus on you. Getting the you back you feel is lost. Focus on finding things you enjoy, spending time with people you enjoy being around (and that can include a partner, but maybe not getting completely lost in another person and keeping focused on getting yourself happy first). The more you are able to fill your life with positive things the less you will be dwelling on the negative things, which in turn allows your brain to process everything and move on in its own time.

And I apologise for the wall of text... but it's 2 am and my brain tends to burble on when tired.

[wt****]

It's very hard, the length of the relationship pretty much determines the length of love you have for that person. And it depends on you and your support system..... Friends or family are great support...the better the support the faster you can get over it.... You will never forget it, and you will never forget that ***... But you will learn to forgive and let go

[Vo****]

Get counseling. Talk to a woman with wisdom and experience. Absolutely don't bring your emotional baggage to a kink site.

[xm****]

1 hour ago, vooodooo said:

Get counseling. Talk to a woman with wisdom and experience. Absolutely don't bring your emotional baggage to a kink site.

For one, I’m not here for any relationship other than friendship, so “baggage” as you put it-shouldn’t matter really. For another, I was asking something that effects a multitude of humans regardless of kink, and just because this is a “kink” site it seems naive (to me) to act as if that’s the only topic that should ever be discussed. But that’s just my opinion, thank you for your suggestion on talking with someone with experience tho.

[Ci****]

27 minutes ago, xmimixrosexlovex said:

For one, I’m not here for any relationship other than friendship, so “baggage” as you put it-shouldn’t matter really. For another, I was asking something that effects a multitude of humans regardless of kink, and just because this is a “kink” site it seems naive (to me) to act as if that’s the only topic that should ever be discussed. But that’s just my opinion, thank you for your suggestion on talking with someone with experience tho.

Hear hear! This topic has hit a good nerve with the people here on this site. We all share the human condition. Kink is a fraction of who we are in total. Relationships are hard. There’s a lot of work. And nobody is immune to the emotions when a relationship ends (no matter the reason).

[Vo****]

Don't be offended. I was doing you a favor. Think about it, do really want emotional advice from the freakiest people on planet earth!? You wouldn't ask about how to sear and char a Delmonico, in a vegan site. You don't want advice from ANYONE in this site, Mama. Everyone here is twisted, looking for someone else as messed up as they are. You really wanna stop hurt 'n!? Start living, then. You have accept that you are a Goddess. Soar high enough to where earthly drama is beneath your feet. Allow your man to see you as a woman and he will take advantage; make him see you as a Goddess and he will worship you.

[az****]

Sometimes after that kind of scenario you need to a journey of self discovery

[la****]

Trauma bonding, you should look it up it may explain why you find yourself in toxic relationships

[xm****]

7 hours ago, vooodooo said:

Don't be offended. I was doing you a favor. Think about it, do really want emotional advice from the freakiest people on planet earth!? You wouldn't ask about how to sear and char a Delmonico, in a vegan site. You don't want advice from ANYONE in this site, Mama. Everyone here is twisted, looking for someone else as messed up as they are. You really wanna stop hurt 'n!? Start living, then. You have accept that you are a Goddess. Soar high enough to where earthly drama is beneath your feet. Allow your man to see you as a woman and he will take advantage; make him see you as a Goddess and he will worship you.

Wasn’t “offended” exactly, just the way it was put didn’t agree with-now that you’ve explained it that way, I understand what you mean a bit.

[xm****]

4 hours ago, lacey416 said:

Trauma bonding, you should look it up it may explain why you find yourself in toxic relationships

That’s occurred to me before, but it doesn’t explain why I would’ve had it from the beginning…or maybe it does, idk.

[Deleted Member]

I have some of the same experience as you, I'm on my way to getting to love myself better then I have ever before. But it's a work in progress which will never truly finish. Can you envision how you would look to yourself and how you would feel if you could truly love yourself like you have loved others in your life? Can you take little steps towards that goal every day? You're human, you can make mistakes and yes you have your feelings too. It's a long process of healing, seek professional help out if you find it difficult to do it on your own. Like a self love coach or a psychiatrist (if I wrote that right). Don't be so harsh on yourself is mostly the first step, it was mine at least. Good luck, hope you can find the tools you need to get along and take steps in your healing process.

[DeviantInside]

7 hours ago, vooodooo said:

Don't be offended. I was doing you a favor. Think about it, do really want emotional advice from the freakiest people on planet earth!? You wouldn't ask about how to sear and char a Delmonico, in a vegan site. You don't want advice from ANYONE in this site, Mama. Everyone here is twisted, looking for someone else as messed up as they are. You really wanna stop hurt 'n!? Start living, then. You have accept that you are a Goddess. Soar high enough to where earthly drama is beneath your feet. Allow your man to see you as a woman and he will take advantage; make him see you as a Goddess and he will worship you.

Ok. Firstly you are fully entitled to your opinion. However I fundamentally disgagree. This seems to buy into the connotation often portayed in the media that bdsm/kink is something that is "wrong" with you. From my experience of the people I've met over the 20 odd years I've been active on the scene that they are just people... good and bad and everything in between. I myself had no childhood trauma, I wasn't unloved, unpopular or any of the other stereotyped ideas, not sayign that I was an adonis with women falling at my feet but I wasn't unattractive or socially awkward either. I can genuiely say that the people I have met and become friends with on the scene are some of the most genuine, well rounded, honset, open, welcoming and caring people I have ever met in any walk of life. Being kinky doesn't make you a bad person or in fact denote anything about that persons ethic or life experiece. In fact if anything a lot of people on the scene have lived far more varied lives and gathered a lot more life experience that they can share the benefits of than people who have lead conventional vanilla lives.

But as I say, that's my opinion and experience. You're fully entitled to yours.

[la****]

Trauma bonding is created in childhood then it effects relationships later in life. People will go with the familiar which if you had specific traumas as a child you will find partners that tend to fit into that trauma which then creates emotional bonds that can be addictive. I just got out of something similar myself.

[CN****]

Similar experience here, you are deffo not alone in this, the only thing I think can help is learning to set bounce and to love yourself more... I'm actually going to therapy to understand how this dynamic works and it's so complex and weird it takes time but the main point I guess it's learning to be happy alone before jumping in a relationship

[Deleted Member]

…. I’m going to come back to this later ..

[co****]

Get under someone else is how women do it in the usa