Baggage

[Deleted Member]

A member made a comment with the word "Baggage". This made me think. I believe everybody has baggage to a degree. When is it too much? Do you believe "Stick it to the end"? If not, when is it time to leave? If you do leave, how do you tell them? Would you tell them the truth, or lie so you do not hurt them? Thank you very much.🤗❤

[Deleted Member]

As someone with significant "baggage," I have an incredibly loyal and resilient partner. She has been aware (at least intellectually) of what it means to be in a relationship with me since the start (7 years ago). Recently, that awareness became more than intellectual and it has gone rather badly. Your relationship to your partner evolves over time, and things that didn't matter previously might become unbearable. My policy has always been that if my baggage becomes too much, don't feel like you have to "stick it to the end". Boundaries are critical to make any relationship work long term, and establishing those might help know when you are moving into waters you don't want to be in.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you. This is a tough subject, and thought it would be a good topic for people to think about. Something I should think about as well, and wondering people's take on this subject. Maybe it can prevent a few broken hearts.🤞❤

[ey****]

I think that, yeah, baggage is common and this can be any form of hang up.  

This can be any form of emotional trauma which makes some form of barrier (say, someone who is hesitant to get intimate because of any form of previous bad experience) to things like not quite being over an ex, pining for another of relationship that wasn't, any form of trust issues, whether the person has their own self confidence issues as of if they "deserve" some one, any form of addiction, assorted mental health problems - we could go on

I think for the other person it can really depend.  

You get these kinda relationships where someone is struggling with addiction and a potential partner makes it *worse* - some might even, initially, see it as fun - but it can be chaotic and cathartic

you also get these kinda situations where someone wants to help the other person through something but for that it's such a web - because they for example might be someone who is very good as a love interest, but not so good as say a counsellor, or any substitute for any form of professional.  But a lot is so contextual.

Apparently, according to some brief googles - men are more likely to bail early if they see baggage (which in turn can cause some women to hide problems) whereas women are more likely to try to work through it with them

[gr****]

That is very much individual. I do prefer a serious relationship. So I stick with it. I have never lied to a partner about it ending. However when being truthful. Be tactful.

[so****]

Yes, very true. Everyone has baggage to one degree or another. We ALL have something lol

[Deleted Member]

There are people who are in denial, or does not believe they have any. Also, the runner should think about their own baggage before deciding to leave.

[Th****]

I believe that your "baggage" and your experience are inexorably bound together.

With good communication and understanding between both parties they speak of wisdom rather than any negative aspect.

We are all human and if we have loved before then we have probably been hurt as well.

Empathy can be a very useful skill to develop, no matter what your role is.

Regarding "baggage" causing people to hide things, it is understandable. We learn by experience both good and bad. This comes back to those two cores of BDSM trust and communication.

You are not likely to fully open your self up to some unless you can totally trust them. That element is a journey that requires patience and understanding. Frankly, anyone who "bails early" just proved they should not have been trusted.

[CopperKnob]

I think 'baggage' is an odd term. Unless we've been living under a rock our entire lives, we've all had various experiences, good and not so good. The point is though, what you do with those experiences. Do you reflect, learn and grow or mull over things, stagnate? Whilst we all need time to process events/incidences and work through our emotions I don't thinks beneficial to stay still for too long no matter how hard it is.
Our experiences make us who we are and if we were all the same, it'd be pretty dull.

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think 'baggage' is an odd term. Unless we've been living under a rock our entire lives, we've all had various experiences, good and not so good. The point is though, what you do with those experiences. Do you reflect, learn and grow or mull over things, stagnate? Whilst we all need time to process events/incidences and work through our emotions I don't thinks beneficial to stay still for too long no matter how hard it is.
Our experiences make us who we are and if we were all the same, it'd be pretty dull.

I do agree with you to point, and wish alot of people would think this way, but sometimes, it is out of their control. Example... overbearing family. Do you tell them to stay away from their family, or limit contact? What if they think there is nothing wrong, or they want you not to be involved in their relationship with their family. There are other examples, but I do not want to open a can of worms.

[nu****]

I, personally, like to travel light.
I hate to carry anything unnecessary with me on my journeys.

This means I have to work out all the issues that keep adding stuff into my carry-on. Also, if I really need to add stuff in, it better be light! Who wants to bother with additional weight? That's been always my approach to staying sound and healthy and on top of my problems. It's hard, it's a lot of work and most people don't want to do it, because it's easier to be lazy and/or leave it to someone else to work it out. Or... just not care at all, which then creates the need of additional room in the trunk of the car, additional fees for overweight, logistical problems when you need to use public transport with too many items to be able to control...

What a nightmare...

So much better to travel light!

Right?

[Deleted Member]

Two sides of a coin... I have two questions. As a runner, when do you run? Example, I met a man once who had alot... I mean ALOT jealousy issues!! Being the person with Baggage (sorry CopperK😘🤗), how do try not to effect them? Thank you.

[Deleted Member]

I stay no matter what, with the only acceptation is if I am completely ignored, or they seem interested in someone else so much that they never stop talking about that other person.

[Th****]

That is an excellent point kiseu.

It is strange I know, but I had never considered Jealousy as baggage before. I had always put it in the same category as anger management issues, or other more serious character flaws that might be a red flag in a D/s relationship.

I can see how these may be brought about by previous experience and thus be considered as baggage from another perspective.

So I find myself ***d to amend my previous comment.

If baggage is just about little annoyances that come about from the detritus of previous relationships that we all carry my comment stands.

Once it starts taking the form of, in your instance, severe jealousy or if it is anger management issues and the like it becomes a different matter. That is the kind of thing that you need to deal with before inflicting it on anyone else.

It should always be looked at as a red flag and a damn good reason to get out of a relationship.

More so if the other party was a Dominant as the old saying goes "You can't control anyone else before you can control your self."

[Deleted Member]

Thank you.❤ I guess like the movie "Get Out"!😨😅 I am only joking. It can be hard at times. In my opinion, we go through more. We have to deal with normal relationship issues, then we have our kinks. The kinks!!🤦‍♀️ A person worded best. "It is a lot harder to find someone where your kinks line up, because so many people have so many different caveats".

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, Thebian said:

That is an excellent point kiseu.

It is strange I know, but I had never considered Jealousy as baggage before. I had always put it in the same category as anger management issues, or other more serious character flaws that might be a red flag in a D/s relationship.

I can see how these may be brought about by previous experience and thus be considered as baggage from another perspective.

So I find myself ***d to amend my previous comment.

If baggage is just about little annoyances that come about from the detritus of previous relationships that we all carry my comment stands.

Once it starts taking the form of, in your instance, severe jealousy or if it is anger management issues and the like it becomes a different matter. That is the kind of thing that you need to deal with before inflicting it on anyone else.

It should always be looked at as a red flag and a damn good reason to get out of a relationship.

More so if the other party was a Dominant as the old saying goes "You can't control anyone else before you can control your self."

My other question was never answered, and think it is very important as well. What would recommend me and others ... what we can do not to effect the other person so much? Also, these actions as the "other person" should  recognize... to keep trying, and holding on to the relationship. 

[Th****]

1 hour ago, kiseu said:

My other question was never answered, and think it is very important as well. What would recommend me and others ... what we can do not to effect the other person so much? Also, these actions as the "other person" should  recognize... to keep trying, and holding on to the relationship. 

I doubt this will be the answer that will solve any of those issues raised in your secondary question.

I believe that you can only realistically expect to control your own reactions to any given situation. You can attempt to communicate the situation to the other person from your perspective but how they react or perceive it is out of your control.

The best that you can hope for is to be your authentic self and find someone who will accept you for everything that you are without you having to change for them. 

I have been guilty of trying to hang on to a relationship that does not work and it does not, in my experience, improve. I did put these words into practise and I am now with someone who accepts every side of me just as I accept them. 

It is far easier to just be yourself and not to have to be different for someone. 

We all own our own emotions and reactions and we are the only ones responsible for controlling them. We cannot pass that obligation on to our partners by expecting them to change.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Thebian said:

I doubt this will be the answer that will solve any of those issues raised in your secondary question.

I believe that you can only realistically expect to control your own reactions to any given situation. You can attempt to communicate the situation to the other person from your perspective but how they react or perceive it is out of your control.

The best that you can hope for is to be your authentic self and find someone who will accept you for everything that you are without you having to change for them. 

I have been guilty of trying to hang on to a relationship that does not work and it does not, in my experience, improve. I did put these words into practise and I am now with someone who accepts every side of me just as I accept them. 

It is far easier to just be yourself and not to have to be different for someone. 

We all own our own emotions and reactions and we are the only ones responsible for controlling them. We cannot pass that obligation on to our partners by expecting them to change.

I never meant changing yourself. Example: Jealousy... if you have this trait, then try not to be so much. I do not think I am perfect, and have flaws. I do put myself first, but try to think about important people in my life... two sides of a coin. Your answer has some very good points. I am very happy, and still gives me hope to hear you found love. Thank you very much for answering my question.🤗❤

[Deleted Member]

I think this depends entirely on what the 'baggage' and how it resonates with each individual. For example a person who has been used to a physicalky and verbally abusive relationship would probably tolerate anything of this nature more than someone who had never experienced it. I think the most important thing is that when issues arise they are discussed and both parties try to move on together or if one or tge other is unhappy split,in the long run it will save both more ***. 

 

[Deleted Member]

To all the members, I really appreciate your comments. Believing in growth... I learned alot, and it was an enlightening experience. Everybody made some good points on the subject. Thank you very much!!😁🤗❤