Wanting to purge certain kinks. Help please.

[Deleted Member]

Firstly, I'm sorry that you've been shamed for your kinks in the past - whoever did that was an ass and you deserved better.

I've certainly been ashamed of some of my kinks in the past and tried to not think of them/do anything about them. Like you, though, it hasn't really gotten rid of them. It sounds like this is a core way of expressing who you are - it's harder to give up than smoking, it gives you self-comfort - and it's here to stay.

Experiencing not being accepted for who we are is a horrible experience and it's not surprising you'd shy away from it happening again. But supportive and loving friends will accept us for who we are even if it surprises them. I hope if you do open up to your friend, she's accepting of it even if it's not a kink she shares. You also don't have to tell her the whole lot at once - "I like feeling cute sometimes" is a relatively safe way to introduce it safely for you.

Lastly, when I've done therapy, the focus has been on understanding who I am, coming to terms with that and accepting myself rather than trying to make myself fit into someone else's box. It sounds like you're working on "bigger" things at the moment with your therapist, but I hope you feel like you can tell them about your lg/bg desires, even if now isn't the right moment to do it. (And as you noticed, they're probably connected anyway.)

I'm wishing you luck, and well done for making this post - it can't have been easy to do.

[Ta****]

We all have urges, kinks and fetishes. Being able to explore your vulnerabilities in a safe, supportive and consenting environment is exactly what BDSM is for. What you’re describing (the guilt right after climaxing) is a drop, and this is what aftercare is for (even if you’re alone, take care of yourself, give yourself some love). I would compare it to video games, people who play let’s say Call of Duty are not defined by it and shouldn’t feel ashamed because “they like to kill people (in their game)”. They are having fun, alone or with others, not hurting anyone and sometimes even growing and learning from their experience.

I don’t want my answer to read as: “you feel guilt, have u tried not to?” because that’s definitely not it. What I’m trying to say is, BDSM is there to explore the things that make you feel good in a safe space no matter what they are as long as you’re always with consenting adults. Hopefully that helps, and in any case keep being you; you sound like a wonderful human being 💜💜💜

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, TardisInParis_MissM said:

We all have urges, kinks and fetishes. Being able to explore your vulnerabilities in a safe, supportive and consenting environment is exactly what BDSM is for. What you’re describing (the guilt right after climaxing) is a drop, and this is what aftercare is for (even if you’re alone, take care of yourself, give yourself some love). I would compare it to video games, people who play let’s say Call of Duty are not defined by it and shouldn’t feel ashamed because “they like to kill people (in their game)”. They are having fun, alone or with others, not hurting anyone and sometimes even growing and learning from their experience.

I don’t want my answer to read as: “you feel guilt, have u tried not to?” because that’s definitely not it. What I’m trying to say is, BDSM is there to explore the things that make you feel good in a safe space no matter what they are as long as you’re always with consenting adults. Hopefully that helps, and in any case keep being you; you sound like a wonderful human being 💜💜💜

Thanks for you response. I had no idea that that that's what sub drop is. I've seen it mentioned before in other posts but I've never asked as I didn't want to sound stupid. I think going forward I'll try and look at it like that (the call of duty analogy) too. It's how I unwind and it's not hurting anyone. I find a lot of my kinks give me varying releases and it helps me with my mental health too. I mean generally not so much yesterday 😂 Thanks again for your kind words too and the compliment. I love your look by the way 💖

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, sapiosexism said:

Firstly, I'm sorry that you've been shamed for your kinks in the past - whoever did that was an ass and you deserved better.

I've certainly been ashamed of some of my kinks in the past and tried to not think of them/do anything about them. Like you, though, it hasn't really gotten rid of them. It sounds like this is a core way of expressing who you are - it's harder to give up than smoking, it gives you self-comfort - and it's here to stay.

Experiencing not being accepted for who we are is a horrible experience and it's not surprising you'd shy away from it happening again. But supportive and loving friends will accept us for who we are even if it surprises them. I hope if you do open up to your friend, she's accepting of it even if it's not a kink she shares. You also don't have to tell her the whole lot at once - "I like feeling cute sometimes" is a relatively safe way to introduce it safely for you.

Lastly, when I've done therapy, the focus has been on understanding who I am, coming to terms with that and accepting myself rather than trying to make myself fit into someone else's box. It sounds like you're working on "bigger" things at the moment with your therapist, but I hope you feel like you can tell them about your lg/bg desires, even if now isn't the right moment to do it. (And as you noticed, they're probably connected anyway.)

I'm wishing you luck, and well done for making this post - it can't have been easy to do.

Thanks for advice and lovely words. And yeah I have been working on some "bigger" stuff at therapy, it's been helpful and healing...I don't want to be examining my kinks too much though alongside it because sure I know why I have certain ones, I can pin point the exact moment some of them took root. But my kinks for the most part bring me all manner of things from joy to catharsis and that lovely jubbly feeling safe feeling that I get when I have a Daddy Dom. It's special and I so want to stop feeling bad about it, or about my cutesy lgbg stuff.

I wonder if I'm getting the desire to reject that side of myself because it makes me feel *** which therapy is also doing but in a different way, and I need to feel like I need to go into tough girl survival mode to deal with what therapy is kicking up.🤔 💖

[Deleted Member]

Dating in 2022 is difficult enough but I’m finding that dating kinky is more or less impossible; and am starting to be resigned to the fact that as a sadist (albeit an affectionate one) I’m likely to be alone, except for the occasional kinky hookup.

[Deleted Member]

35 minutes ago, OldBones said:

Dating in 2022 is difficult enough but I’m finding that dating kinky is more or less impossible; and am starting to be resigned to the fact that as a sadist (albeit an affectionate one) I’m likely to be alone, except for the occasional kinky hookup.

Aww I'm sure that's not the case. I've met some incredible people on here that I've either dated or become friends with. The ex I mention above being one of them. Don't chuck the towel in, you'll meet someone. Maybe check out a munch in your area too.💖

[skintightlover]

On 6/4/2022 at 9:17 PM, YesDaddyYes said:

This shame is coming from a non horny place. It's coming from the 'I hate that I still need my lgbg side and the stuff that goes with it' place :/ Thanks for the comment and support 💖

I know it doesn't look like they're connected, but I would assert that they are head and tail of the same beast.

[satiny]

As a man with a long-term fetish for lingerie I have felt those guilty pangs for owning delicate feminin underwear and nightwear and gone through several times where I have bined all my clothes thinking why do I have this stuff, is something wrong with me?
The truth is no there is nothing wrong its just the way you are built/ something you enjoy. So no don't give it up or get rid of anything you will only likely buy it again (what I have done on a couple of occasions). I would love to talk about my fettish with others but like most say it is to much of a risk as most wouldn't understand.

[2b****]

I have done that many times also I would dress up and enjoy myself and masturbate and after coming I would feel all guilty and things are wrapped everything up as I took it off and take it and throw it away I no longer feel that guilt anymore and shame and I share it with women and anyone else it's just who I am and after a lifelong experiences of cross that I now wear my girdles to work they might have cross-dressed with women while being sexual with them and they enjoyed it right now I'm searching for a woman who will accept it because I'm 61 years old and I know what my sexuality is and I know what I enjoy and I don't need to settle I know there is a woman that is going to not only allow me to enjoy my fetishes but enjoy them with me and there are as many as I will I wish to learn all of hers and share hers with her

[Deleted Member]

On 6/5/2022 at 6:02 AM, OldBones said:

Dating in 2022 is difficult enough but I’m finding that dating kinky is more or less impossible; and am starting to be resigned to the fact that as a sadist (albeit an affectionate one) I’m likely to be alone, except for the occasional kinky hookup.

I'm not this pessimistic but I have similar feelings. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed but it's challenging to find a partner who is both sufficiently kink oriented and shares my values.

In general I have a hard time feeling guilty about wanting to create a traditional relationship with a wife and kids. That I want to do lots of fun things to and with her in private doesn't really alter the core nature of our bond.

[Mosquitor]

Yes, I find that often when I've reached climax, I start to feel guilty and wish I wasn't aroused by these thoughts, and wish I could get rid of the fetish. I've been through therapy and been assured there's absolutely nothing wrong with having the specific fetish I have; apparently the reason we feel guilty is because of changes in the brain following orgasm - our rational and logical faculties in the brain are switched back on after orgasm, hence we start seeing an 'absurdity' with what turns us on and thus feel uncomfortable and guilty about it. I just remind myself I've been assured by my therapist and all friends who I've confided in that there's nothing wrong with this fetish, and the feeling of guilt usually passes quickly and it's never long before the thoughts excite me again.

[Th****]

I may be 100% wrong here so please do not take this as me telling you what you are as it is you that knows that better than anyone else.

Your lil' side reads as if it is pretty happy with the cutesy stuff, the collar, the paci etc.

After you come out of your lil' space your big side takes back over. Your protector, the side of you that deals with all the daily stress.

That side of you looks at your little stuff and thinks. "We don't need this shit this is so embarrassing. I am a grown assed woman."
Then it gets thrown out.

You need to be your authentic self IMHO and that may need your big side cutting your lil' side some slack. At the very least recognising that that cutesy stuff is not your big sides to throw away.

Bigs can be soooo bossy

As I said I do not know what goes on in your head in anyway nor do I really pretend to. This is purely conjecture based on other littles and you may be totally different.

Just me incredibly proud of the individual that you are as you are the only one and that is amazing.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Thebian said:

I may be 100% wrong here so please do not take this as me telling you what you are as it is you that knows that better than anyone else.

Your lil' side reads as if it is pretty happy with the cutesy stuff, the collar, the paci etc.

After you come out of your lil' space your big side takes back over. Your protector, the side of you that deals with all the daily stress.

That side of you looks at your little stuff and thinks. "We don't need this shit this is so embarrassing. I am a grown assed woman."
Then it gets thrown out.

You need to be your authentic self IMHO and that may need your big side cutting your lil' side some slack. At the very least recognising that that cutesy stuff is not your big sides to throw away.

Bigs can be soooo bossy

As I said I do not know what goes on in your head in anyway nor do I really pretend to. This is purely conjecture based on other littles and you may be totally different.

Just me incredibly proud of the individual that you are as you are the only one and that is amazing.

I think that is bang on. Like nail on the head. And it is definitely the "this s*** is sooooo embarrassing, I hate that I need it/love it" tug of war.

The only thing I don't feel too embarrassed about is my Hello Kitty ft Buff Monster print. It's one of the few lil me things I keep permanently out.💖