Mentoring

[OT****]

This is just my personal take on mentoring.

1. If someone offers to mentor you, ask whether they have mentored anyone before, if the answer is no, politely decline.

2. If they have mentored before, ask for references.

3. Ask to speak to people they have mentored.

4. If they refuse to 2 and 3, or make up some excuse again politely decline.

5. Ask them what they hope to achieve from mentored you?

6. Ask them to supply a written outline and what areas will be covered. Examples could be the basic principles of BDSM. How to vet a potential, partner, play partner. Protocols, how to negotiate contracts or agreements. How to see red flags and spot wannabes.

7. Ask them to outline how this mentoring programe will be structured. Number of hours per week and how long the programme is lightly to last etc.

8. Do as much online research as possible to back up their points. Seek advice from as many trusted sources as you can.

9. I would also suggest anyone wanting to be mentored to seek out a mentor who identifies in the same role as you. So a Dom mentoring a Dom, a sub mentoring a sub etc. This is extremely important especially if you haven't been mentored before.

In summary when looking for a mentor, establish whether they have the tools and expertise to mentor you properly. Just because someone watched a bunch of YouTube videos on building a rocket, doesn't mean they know how to build one.

Finally, and most importantly, is this person respected within out community?

*Edit*

What I want to convey. I've seen lots of posts from new members to the lifestyle seeking advice and possibly looking into getting a mentor, they are mainly female submissives. I've also seen replies, generally from Doms who have said they are happy to chat, but privately. I know some have the best intentions, however it can be a massive red flag. This is why I think its wise to establish there motivation behind it and their expertise in mentoring. Again personally I think a person should be mentored by someone who identifies in the same role and has prior experience in mentoring.

Finally you're welcome to share my words, just don't pass them off as your own.

[MsDrawers]

An awful lot of people want to involve their genitals in the mentoring process. I appreciate others may feel differently but as far as I'm concerned that's exploitative and dangerous.

[Sm****]

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense

[CopperKnob]

And also, a mentor isn't someone that you (IMO) engage in either kink or sexual behaviour in any way shape or form. A mentor is a listening ear/someone providing guidance. If that's what they're offering, run!

[typhoon2]

It's generally agreed locally here that Mentors should not play or have intimacy with the Mentees. This removes the dubious motivation that you allude to and prevents conflicts of interest. The easiest way to achieve this is, as you suggest, having the same roles involved - Dom and Dom, sub and sub, etc.

[ge****]

Whilst there are elements of that I agree with - there are several I don't - for example just because someone hasn't mentored others beforehand doesn't necessarily mean they wouldn't make a good mentor.
.
Likewise any kind of defined structure down to number of hours per week isn't a necessity, and may be guided by circumstance, individual need etc.
.
In fact, whilst you make a lot of very good and valuable points, the biggest tool at *anyones* disposal and probably one that summarises your post in one neat sentence is "use your common sense and gut instinct" something which sadly many seem to be lacking when taking their first steps on sites like this.

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, typhoon2 said:

It's generally agreed locally here that Mentors should not play or have intimacy with the Mentees. This removes the dubious motivation that you allude to and prevents conflicts of interest. The easiest way to achieve this is, as you suggest, having the same roles involved - Dom and Dom, sub and sub, etc.

I think there's a lot more clarity in IRL situations but it can be sketchy online. I know in the past I've had individuals offer to mentor me, only one of those made clear from the outset that they wouldn't be propositioning me in any way shape or form.

[Deleted Member]

Mentoring. Like any other kink relationship require trust. Getting to know your mentor is important and you should be able to trust that they say. One thing to look for is consent. Consent is a key tenant of our culture. For you new folks it might sound counter intuitive but remember that the dynamic is one of surrender. Not subjugation. The Dominant is trusted with their submissive power and can have that power taken back for breaches. Using the safe words.
For mentors. The motivation is imparting knowledge of our culture. I don’t believe mentoring experience is as important as honesty. Do ask them for experience. References. But make your decisions based on trust. And verify with other members of our community what is being said. If you are a sub. This doesn’t mean you submit to your mentor. They are teaching you.
And they should never demand anything from you. Other than your attention to what they have to teach. If you don’t feel right with a Dom. Or a sub. Then leave. Same with a mentor.
There is no scenario where it’s ok to feel unsafe. If you don’t feel safe. You aren’t in a healthy relationship. Regardless of the dynamic. As you might guess forums. Sites and social media groups exist. That can be used to research what is being taught. Good luck new kinksters

[ey****]

Generally a lot is driven on context but a mentor generally wouldn't approach someone with a view to mentor them.

Context permitting, that's a "no" straight away.

Obviously if you're talking backwards and forwards with someone (either online or IRL) and someone offers to mentor you then that might be contextually different - but like a lot of things there is the question of if they can meet your aims.

I get a lot of people ask if I will mentor them. This is also vetting that goes the other way.  I'm rarely interested because usually what they want is for me to introduce them to women rather than being *actually* mentored.

I think the notion of one-to-one mentoring, especially for 'everything', has died down a lot - it's a lot easier to get collective wisdom from forums, communities, blogs, etc.   if someone asks a question and 6 people give advice, that is still a form of mentoring.

[ma****]

Thank you so much this is exactly what I've been looking for, asking people, mainly"Dom's" repling but with no actual, replays to the questions and nearly everyone saying that they'd mentor and teach me, then when asked about thing's like safety and how long and who they have been with, the very vague answers come back or they just ghost you, I may be new to all this because of never trusting anyone enough to try thing's and I may be on the older side, but I'm still wanting to learn thing's properly and form a lasting bond with the person, I'm not just wanting to dive into anything, with just anyone and end up getting hurt, but it's extremely hard to find the genuine one's out of the wannabe's because they've seen 50 shade's of gray, so think you these are some of the questions I was looking for to ask to get the right answers ♥️

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, madkitty76 said:

Thank you so much this is exactly what I've been looking for, asking people, mainly"Dom's" repling but with no actual, replays to the questions and nearly everyone saying that they'd mentor and teach me, then when asked about thing's like safety and how long and who they have been with, the very vague answers come back or they just ghost you, I may be new to all this because of never trusting anyone enough to try thing's and I may be on the older side, but I'm still wanting to learn thing's properly and form a lasting bond with the person, I'm not just wanting to dive into anything, with just anyone and end up getting hurt, but it's extremely hard to find the genuine one's out of the wannabe's because they've seen 50 shade's of gray, so think you these are some of the questions I was looking for to ask to get the right answers ♥️

Keep in mind that some of us like discretion. That said. Trust your instinct. For me I couldn’t give you references. I’ve been asked to respect their privacy and will. But we can still discuss things on your terms and within your boundaries as anyone else should be willing to do. But I do agree that some claim they want to mentor you as their play yo get into your pants. Good luck and do try the chat rooms here. Very informative

[OT****]

1 hour ago, madkitty76 said:

Thank you so much this is exactly what I've been looking for, asking people, mainly"Dom's" repling but with no actual, replays to the questions and nearly everyone saying that they'd mentor and teach me, then when asked about thing's like safety and how long and who they have been with, the very vague answers come back or they just ghost you, I may be new to all this because of never trusting anyone enough to try thing's and I may be on the older side, but I'm still wanting to learn thing's properly and form a lasting bond with the person, I'm not just wanting to dive into anything, with just anyone and end up getting hurt, but it's extremely hard to find the genuine one's out of the wannabe's because they've seen 50 shade's of gray, so think you these are some of the questions I was looking for to ask to get the right answers ♥️

You're very welcome, I glad you found it of interest. It can be a minefield, especially for submissives new to the lifestyle. Clearly you know what you are looking for and you're very pragmatic about it

[Deleted Member]

Fact, there is a first time for everything. Even the most experienced mentor has started with his first apprentice. According to your theory, an experienced dominant should not be a mentor if they have never mentored before. What a joke.

[ma****]

2 hours ago, Sir-or-Daddy said:

Keep in mind that some of us like discretion. That said. Trust your instinct. For me I couldn’t give you references. I’ve been asked to respect their privacy and will. But we can still discuss things on your terms and within your boundaries as anyone else should be willing to do. But I do agree that some claim they want to mentor you as their play yo get into your pants. Good luck and do try the chat rooms here. Very informative

Exactly, I've had men just straight out of the gate on here just start balking order's at me, not even introducing themselves and I had one that told me that he had a *** fantasy and this is what he's going to do to me and then started listening thing's off, not even a hiya, it was a " I'm going to do this to you, weather you like it is or not", which kinda scared me and has sort of put me off and on the defensive

[ma****]

2 hours ago, OTK4ME said:

You're very welcome, I glad you found it of interest. It can be a minefield, especially for submissives new to the lifestyle. Clearly you know what you are looking for and you're very pragmatic about it

Actually no I've no idea what I'm looking for, I just know that there's something missing, I just know that I don't want to get myself into a situation that can get me hurt in anyway

[MsDrawers]

3 hours ago, madkitty76 said:

Exactly, I've had men just straight out of the gate on here just start balking order's at me, not even introducing themselves and I had one that told me that he had a *** fantasy and this is what he's going to do to me and then started listening thing's off, not even a hiya, it was a " I'm going to do this to you, weather you like it is or not", which kinda scared me and has sort of put me off and on the defensive

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this is just outrageous behaviour. Consent is absolutely key to everything kink, and this sort of pushy, abusive shit is more than a red flag. If it wouldn't be acceptable outside of kink, it isn't okay within it. Always trust your gut and don't put up with anyone's bullshit. Submissive is not a synonym for doormat. Far, far from. 

[Ch****]

This is a funny take, I'm sure there are good reasons. On the other hand I'm an experienced Dom, but have only offered to mentor once. Been asked plenty, just extremely picky about people.

9 is super important, but my original mentor was a switch which to me feels perfect, as someone that only identifies as a Dom, I feel I'd make a worse mentor.

[OT****]

3 hours ago, PuppetMasterC said:

This is a funny take, I'm sure there are good reasons. On the other hand I'm an experienced Dom, but have only offered to mentor once. Been asked plenty, just extremely picky about people.

9 is super important, but my original mentor was a switch which to me feels perfect, as someone that only identifies as a Dom, I feel I'd make a worse mentor.

I guess it depends on your take, to me the points raised are based on personal experiences. As someone who's been mentored by a number of Doms, Dommes and Masters over the years. Along with the experiences of friends within the community.
I feel some feel mentoring is a 5 minute thing and that's from both sides. Being a Dom I want to bring my A game, I'm happy to invest time. I personally find it frustrating when I have spoken to people who have mentored and very little has been discussed beforehand. Its been adhoc, unstructured and haven't really learnt anything new.

[Deleted Member]

I find the concept of "mentor" strange. There's legitimate technical questions in regards to certain activities ex suspension bondage or needle play(neither of which I will do) and you should investigate safety before play, ex a super tight armbinder tie can cause *** if left on for very long. But beyond that I can't really understand why I would be compelled to talk to someone else about what I want to do sexually with a woman I am with or vice versa. 

In regards to "mentoring" a sub, I can only lol. 

[ey****]

Mentor is one of those things which has changed over the years but harks a little back to an unspecified era of "olden times" 

Because of this, there's still a lot of different ideas - depending on evolution in different communities.

So for example, if you joined a SM family in the 1970s you might be appointed someone as a mentor.  This mentor isn't there to just really teach you all things kink, but general a mixture of protection, guidance, if you're a little naive then how to behave in public, how to interact with other families - and if there was something you wanted to learn they might oversee your training (not necessarily do it - but - help arrange for someone to do it, so on)

Over time some communities or dungeons had the whole structure where "everyone has to be a sub" before they can be a Dominant and that had a system to go with it.

In some cases someone would be given to you as a mentor in order to prove their own value to the community (i.e. can support new/naive/young/whatever members and help with their integration and development)

The kinda whole "Doms mentor Doms" and "subs mentor subs" is also a little... varied... on territory.    While to avoid conflict of interest the mentor and mentee shouldn't otherwise be in a relationship - it isn't uncommon for a Dominant to mentor a submissive whom they might do limited play with, but mostly protection and guidance.    A couple of friends did do a similar thing together - one she was a new sub and was getting into a little pickle - so another friend, she was Dominant, took her to mentor to help her vet potential partners and a kinda "how to say no" vibe.

These days so much.  If I wanted to learn a skill, I wouldn't need to ask my mentor if they could help me learn something; I can literally google for kink workshops and attend.  Or, I probably know people who might know.   Like, munches are in chain pubs/restaurants these days and pretty much freely advertised, fetish events are seldom difficult to find (or if are difficult, it is often because there might not be any in your area at present) 

I think mentoring is more done at a micro level now.   Like if you turned up at a munch and hadn't googled anything about munches - then when the munch leader tells you some brief dos and don'ts, that's mentoring - but - for a very specific scenario.