Ri**** Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 Can you care for someone deeply but still feel like ending the dynamic? At what point does trying to make something work become futile, do you essentially end up causing more harm to one another than if you just have the hard conversation and go your seperate ways. It is worth one last attempt to resolve as not to throw away something years in the making or is that the foolhardy thing to do that will start the same cycle round again. Are there times where you need to trust your gut no matter how much it hurts, or should you continue trying till you've at least tried every avenue possible so you can walk away knowing you tried your absolute best and not live a life of regret.
ge**** Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 I think a lot comes down to the reasons behind your doubts - is it an incompatibility in certain aspects of the relationship for example, something that cannot be overcome or compromised on? . Is it something you've discussed with the other person and they feel the same way? Or something you've kept bottled up and so have a skewed view as a result. . Without knowing the specifics it's very difficult to say, but the above would be things I'd be considering, along with weighing up the pros and cons of both maintaining the relationship and ending it. . It's certainly entirely possible to care for someone yet not want to be in a committed relationship with them though - sometimes it's because you care that you can see ending it is the best thing to do.
ey**** Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 A lot of relationships end because, despite caring about the other person the structure no longer works for one or both of you it can be hard - but then - the question is, if you don't end it - will things change for both or either of you to improve this
je**** Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 In my experience once I’ve crossed the line in my mind thinking yes I care for even love this person but I’m not getting what I need or want from this person. Usually means I’ve already tried and tried and tried, talked thru it and it’s not working. In my experice it doesn’t go back to the way it was. That’s just me
Ar**** Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 You absolutely can... but it really does depend on the reasons. I would never advocate for staying in a relationship or dynamic which is toxic or harmful to either (or any) of you, regardless of the amount of investment. My first ever serious girlfriend and I, we separated at my behest for the most stupid reasons. I thought I was doing the right thing to protect both of us, when really I was just ridiculously naïve and inexperienced. I still cared deeply for her, as she did me. My first partner after my son's wife, that was toxic. I could have fought for that relationship but her alcoholism was causing so much damage on all levels. So I let that go and walked away. It didn't mean I didn't still care deeply for the person she was when she wasn't drinking... that person and I were more compatible than most people could ever imagine. Sometimes there are other reasons, I had one partner/girlfriend whom I had known for a while who was gay. But we developed a connection, got together, and had a wonderful few months. Ultimately she ended things because she felt she was still gay. She was in so much anguish and wished things were different. We tried to be friends but there was still too much feeling between us and it couldn't work. For a different but positive angle, I met an online play partner through a terribly dubious website once. She did not live locally and I became her online Daddy for a few months, but as can so easily happen and particularly as we got to know about our non-sexual/kink lives, I recognised that we were becoming attached. I foresaw that whether it was a matter of weeks, months, or longer, eventually one or the other of us would find a "real world" partner/connection and that it would leave the other hurt - so I made a decision and explained to her why we had to stop. Thankfully she took it really well; she saw exactly where I was coming from (no pun intended) and agreed that it was for the best. Going on for two years later, we still message every single day and she is one of my very best friends. Never anything sexual or flirtatious since we stopped our dynamic, just two people who care about and know they can depend on one another. We even managed to finally meet in person last year and go for a brew and an afternoon on the park. We cared for each other, but our dynamic had to end. The point being, context is everything. I feel as though you've posted this with a situation very personal to you in mind. I hope you find the answers you seek to help you decide how to proceed... do please listen to your gut though, it's a highly evolved tool which tells us things for a reason. We just have to learn how to listen to it.
Ri**** Posted June 13, 2022 Author Posted June 13, 2022 I appreciate everyones comments and I thank you for your thoughts and advice. I apologise for the lack of context but the advice has been really useful.
Ri**** Posted June 13, 2022 Author Posted June 13, 2022 59 minutes ago, jedimajic said: In my experience once I’ve crossed the line in my mind thinking yes I care for even love this person but I’m not getting what I need or want from this person. Usually means I’ve already tried and tried and tried, talked thru it and it’s not working. In my experice it doesn’t go back to the way it was. That’s just me Your pretty much on the *** thanks for your thoughts
Le**** Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 This situation makes me think of Humpty Dumpty. You know...All the kings horses and all the kings men.
eu**** Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 I myself am stuck in the same boat only my dynamic is a ten year marriage and I am just not into it anymore
Deleted Member Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 This is a tough one. My advice is to have an honest conversation with the other person with the following rules for this conversation. 1. You will both respect each other’s turn to speak. 2. You will solicit feedback from the other party to ensure that the message was clearly understood. (Ex. What do you think I meant to say just now) 3. Clarify any miscommunications. 4. Either party is able to walk away from the conversation at any point and revisit when things calm down. Before you have the conversation. Do an honest self assessment of what you want. Write down what it is that you are after. A new relationship. A reestablishment of the old one. Make sure the other party also does this. So that you can see if you are even after the same things. This will allow you to determine if you can salvage. Reset. Or rebuild the relationship. Honesty is key here even if trust has been breached. And if either one of you can’t be honest in this new conversation then it’s time to move on. Good luck and always take care of your own mental health first. Like putting an oxygen mask on during a flight. Take care of yourself first. So you are available to care for others. I wish you the best outcome that meets your needs.
Deleted Member Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 You already know the answer, you are just looking for confirmation. Sometimes it is just better to walk away.
Deleted Member Posted June 13, 2022 Posted June 13, 2022 Sometimes it's better to walk away. I had to a 4 year marriage last year. 3 of those years were some of the worst years of my life. The way she treated me was awful. She didn't take counseling seriously and she also basically abandoned me to focus on school even though the school was only 40 minutes away. I only saw the girl once or twice a month and we had sex less than that. But I still wanted to hold on. Until I gave up. But after I gave up, I felt free. And yeah I'm lonely because I've been single since with almost no female interaction, but I'm not being ***d and treated like crap either. I don't know what your situation is, but you always have to do what's best for you and what will make you happier in the long run.
Deleted Member Posted June 14, 2022 Posted June 14, 2022 Coming from someone who is in an open marriage, it didn't use to be open. Things happen and people change, love can fade no matter how far down the road you've gone together. But do know that something has to change, the fact that you are even asking is evidence of that. In my (and my wife/best friend/roommate) case it called for us reverting the marriage to open and seeing different people, it's made things healthier overall, communication is better, there's laughter in the house again, there's more quality in the time we spend together. Things might feel weird, they did for us at first, but we've settled into the situation, she's going steady with someone, and I'm here... lol But all this being said, it varies from couple to couple, what works for me may not work for you and your partner, but if you're anything like me, and you still care about them, their well-being and don't want them to just disappear from your life, then try to find some sort of compromise, sometimes the hard questions just have to be asked.
Deleted Member Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 I think it’s worth the try I had a ten year relationship and I tried every Avenue to get him to love me and make it work and I don’t regret trying. In the end he ended up having an affair with another woman and his excuse was because I was too big and I was focusing too much on my new business and getting it up off the ground. But if he had been more open with me and he tried harder or even asked to open the relationship up before hand I would have. It’s all about communication. But you will know when to end it because your heart at that point will switch off. But if you still love them then it’s worth the try.
Deleted Member Posted June 24, 2022 Posted June 24, 2022 You're the best observer of this situation so I think whatever you decide is the right choice. For me, I struggle giving up on someone. In my head, they're this amazing person and just need a second chase. I usually get burned thinking this way, though. Mostly because I give chance after chance. At some point, I have to decide am I giving forgiveness/support or enabling bad behavior 🤷🏽♀️.
ma**** Posted June 25, 2022 Posted June 25, 2022 You can care for someone deeply and still want (or proceed) to end a dynamic. A dynamic is two sided and it should feel fulfilling, empowering, freeing for all parties involved where people grow together. Yes, there might occur issues, but they are discussed (not ignored) and solved (not ignored or manipulated). I think that, in the moment a dynamic or a relationship becomes harmful, it is time to end it.
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