Dom reactions to being questioned

[Deleted Member]

Preface: I'm on a couple of platforms, and not all of them are inherently kink-based. I'm frequently skeptical when someone claims to be a Dom when there's nowt about it in their profile, or they are on this site but they haven't written anything in their profile at all - or something like "Here for good times and fun, IDK".Because of this, if someone who might be interesting makes an approach, I'll try and sound them out to discover if we have the same approach to BDSM and are looking for a similar thing. Sounds reasonable, right?

What I've found a lot of, and what is an enormous red flag to me, is the amount of Dominants who will try to reduce me, gaslight me, degrade me or insult me because I've dared to question their grand domliness. One of the key things I'm looking for in a Dom is composure and control. I find it alarming that, when challenged, so many resort to the comebacks listed above. It also makes me think their "Dom" credentisls are BS because if they were really secure in it, they wouldn't feel the need to lash out with cruelty to distract from the point that was put to them.

Finding a Dominant is a minefield. Damn right I'm questioning you and yes, it's a challenge and a test. To pass, all you have to do is stay cool and answer me. Because if you actually have substance, that answer should be an easy one.

[ey****]

for me that is a massive flag 

I feel kinda very much now there are a lot of people with different ideas about BDSM in general - and in a lot of cases a lot are not wrong or right, but none are compatible with every one.

I think it is totally reasonable to ask questions especially in the early stages - and if someone takes this as any form of insult and lashes out - then, yep, you were definitely right to ask that question cos the response they've given suggests they're wrong for many people 

[ge****]

eyem beat me to it - but yep absolutely you should question anyone, to establish not only boundaries and limits, but compatibility, connection, chemistry, safety etc - and that's regardless of whether you are dominant, submissive or any other category.
.
If someone doesn't want to answer, or thinks they shouldn't have to, then massive red flag for me.
.
Now admittedly there are ways to establish all those things without making it a 20 questions interview type process - but even so establishing those things is important

[Deleted Member]

Yes!!! Finally someone said it! Thank you

[Deleted Member]

I’ve no experience yet, so I find it hard to comment on this. But what you’re saying are definitely some massive red flags. It also says a lot about the so called “doms”. They can’t dominate you with there mind and that’s why they start degrading and insulting you. Only because they don’t know how to do it otherwise.

[Deleted Member]

If a woman wants to discuss what aspects of BDSM I am interested in and negotiate with me to see if we are good fit that's cool but, I honestly have nothing to prove to her. If she wants to develop a relationship with me involving BDSM that's great. If she feels the need to make me prove my "domliness" that's not going to work for me since I'm not in a "domliness" competition. I'm looking for and looking to be someones partner not a kink toy. 

Edited June 13, 2022 by Deleted Member

[Catsailor69]

As a Dom, I welcome questions from any prospective submissive. I typically have to encourage them and ask frequently if they have any questions. After all, how are we to get to know each other and to trust each other?
Approaching a kinky dynamic in my humble opinion, is no different than any other. We question, test and get to know each other before we really engage in anything heavy or serious.
I want a submissive to KNOW that no matter what, I will remain calm and level headed. Some scenes can have risks of things going wrong and knowing that I will remain calm and level headed to deal with it efficiently and effectively should be a comfort that a submissive needs and can appreciate.
So I say, test away. 😎

[Deleted Member]

I welcome questions. I may not always have the answers but I welcome questions and if need be will
Look things up to best answer or give a reply depending on the question.

[Deleted Member]

18 minutes ago, Catsailor69 said:

As a Dom, I welcome questions from any prospective submissive. I typically have to encourage them and ask frequently if they have any questions. After all, how are we to get to know each other and to trust each other?
Approaching a kinky dynamic in my humble opinion, is no different than any other. We question, test and get to know each other before we really engage in anything heavy or serious.
I want a submissive to KNOW that no matter what, I will remain calm and level headed. Some scenes can have risks of things going wrong and knowing that I will remain calm and level headed to deal with it efficiently and effectively should be a comfort that a submissive needs and can appreciate.
So I say, test away. 😎

100% this.

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, Mathbro said:

If a woman wants to discuss what aspects of BDSM I am interested in and negotiate with me to see if we are good fit that's cool but, I honestly have nothing to prove to her. If she wants to develop a relationship with me involving BDSM that's great. If she feels the need to make me prove my "domliness" that's not going to work for me since I'm not in a "domliness" competition. I'm looking for and looking to be someones partner not a kink toy. 

I am looking for a kink dynamic, not a partner/ relationship, so it is important to me.

[gr****]

The only time I have ever gotten heated by being questioned. Was when some one told me. That I could not be a Dom without going though this specific class that they want me to have attended. Otherwise I have never gotten heated over questions.

[Deleted Member]

Most people come across as thirsty little buggers who think BDSM is a way to have meaningless sex with someone they hardly know. It’s actually about constructing a truly honest relationship where you can express your true needs and desires. That involves vulnerability and takes longer to negotiate than vanilla in my experience.

[DDWolfie]

Following dots 👀 be back to share my opinion later

[Deleted Member]

Totally agree with you on the red flags. Hope you find someone decent 💖

[DeviantInside]

Hmmm. I'd completely agree, people being cagey or not wanting to be questioned is a red flag, it smacks or either hiding something or insecurity. I have only ever been Dom but I have nothing to prove to anyone and it doesn't make me better than anyone else. I have no problem with people asking me anything they want. Hell I don't even assume that just because someone is asking me questions they're interested in me. I'm more than happy to just chat to people and I'm not (quite) arrogant enough to assume I'm going to be everyone's type, or even most people's, but that's irrelevent a lot of the time,. I'm more than happy to meet a new friend or share my experiences with someone without any expectation of anything else. I don't even mind if people disagree with my perspective or how works for me... I mean they're obviously wrong, but they're entitled to be wrong.

[Lord_Talion]

Too many ppl claim to be something they're not just to get what they want

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, Lord_Talion said:

Too many ppl claim to be something they're not just to get what they want

I've found this - and that is of course not limited to dominants. Someone said above that they shouldn't have to prove themselves, and I can't disagree with that. I shouldn't have to prove who I am either. I don't go into the conversation looking to question whether they are in fact a Dom. More I'm looking to see if we share the same viewpoint on kink and if we have the same interests. Where I've come across a lot of aggression, it's after someone has explained what they are into and I've said thanks but no thanks, that doesn't suit me. They seem to take me saying I don't want that type of dominant, as if am saying the way they're doing it isn't right. I'm just saying it isn't right for me.

[Ca****]

Personally I’d expect questions, as communication and respect are key in these dynamics and you need to make sure your both reading from the same page for starters.

Chatting for a bit and getting to know each other a little before it even goes there, as for example you’d need to know limits, triggers, etc.

[DeviantInside]

15 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

Someone said above that they shouldn't have to prove themselves, and I can't disagree with that. I shouldn't have to prove who I am either.

If that was me... then I maybe didn't express myself very well. Apologies. What I meant was that I'm not insecure and don't feel I'm trying to prove my "BIG BAD SCAWY DOM" status. People will either like me or not. Both as a prospective Dom and person generally. And I never mind people asking questions to find out.

Edited June 13, 2022 by DeviantInside

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, DeviantInside said:

If that was me... then I maybe didn't express myself very well. Apologies. What I meant was that I'm not insecure and don't feel I'm trying to prove my "BIG BAD SCAWY DOM" status. People will either like me or not. Both as a prospective Dom and person generally. And I never mind people asking questions to find out.

I don't think it was you, but thank you for the tone of your response. Composure is domly lol

(I'll resist the urgh to pat your head since we don't know each other 🤣)

[CopperKnob]

This isn't helpful in anyway but, I often think that it would be helpful if Fet added a label after sub/Dom/Daddy etc of Dim Dom. I'm 98.8% certain some would choose it and then we'd know straight away (cos you know, we read profiles) not to engage in conversation of that sort

[Deleted Member]

52 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

I've found this - and that is of course not limited to dominants. Someone said above that they shouldn't have to prove themselves, and I can't disagree with that. I shouldn't have to prove who I am either. I don't go into the conversation looking to question whether they are in fact a Dom. More I'm looking to see if we share the same viewpoint on kink and if we have the same interests. Where I've come across a lot of aggression, it's after someone has explained what they are into and I've said thanks but no thanks, that doesn't suit me. They seem to take me saying I don't want that type of dominant, as if am saying the way they're doing it isn't right. I'm just saying it isn't right for me.

That's reasonable 🤷‍♂️.

[Catsailor69]

19 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

This isn't helpful in anyway but, I often think that it would be helpful if Fet added a label after sub/Dom/Daddy etc of Dim Dom. I'm 98.8% certain some would choose it and then we'd know straight away (cos you know, we read profiles) not to engage in conversation of that sort

Hahahaha. I ALWAYS read profiles.

[na****]

🚩🚩🚩🚩Loads I’m here sweet💞 Yet you clearly appear very sensible

[na****]

*on even! So many fakes