Deleted Member Posted June 14, 2022 Author Posted June 14, 2022 3 hours ago, TheBookCollector said: The main reason i do it is so that neither party wasted their time. To be honest the 'i dont have a cam/mic' doesnt wash, a web cam costs what £20, and most laptops have had them built in for the last 10 years. Also you have to ask what have people go to hide if they wont face time, and have a vanilla conversation, is it that they arent who they aim to be, afterall its easy to get pictures off social media and put them on a profile claiming to be that person. Totally agree with you. I think it's a good way to prevent wasting each others time too :) and agree with you about the can thing. Besides most phones and tablets have them built in right so.x
Deleted Member Posted June 14, 2022 Author Posted June 14, 2022 4 hours ago, JamesInConroe said: I think this attitude perpetuates the bogus stereotype of the aggressive, unsafe male. The instances of dangerous male kinksters attacking women is so low as to be a statistical anomaly. Honest men operating in good faith IS the norm and an attitude like Shockr’s is unnecessary. Safety should always be the priority but our attitudes should be more in line with how we treat seatbelts not Ted Bundy. It’s very trendy in our culture today to bash men and treat us all as misogynists…or worse. I don’t like doing video chats or even posting photos and there is no human on this planet safer than me. My reasons have nothing to do with deception or anything nefarious I just don’t think cameras give an accurate representation of who I am. I vehemently disagree. Do you know the steps women have to take to feel safe. I cannot emphasize this enough...I am not a man basher. I love men, I have some great men in my life, my best friend for example, my friend Shockr too. I'm not saying that every man is a potential Ted Bundy but, let me tell you something...women live in a completely different world to men when it comes to certain things. The steps we have to take to feel safe in our every day lives is sickening in this day and age. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. So I'm team video chat.
Deleted Member Posted June 14, 2022 Author Posted June 14, 2022 36 minutes ago, CopperKnob said: Says a male that in all likelihood doesn't receive the messages that females/femmes here and other online environments receive Who likely hasn't gone out of an evening and taken their drink with them to the ladies, who hasn't then had to think about a pre booked cab as opposed to standing waiting at the taxi rank who hasn't had to walk the last stretch home with your keys strategically placed between your fingers just in case, who hasn't had to take a different route home having hidden behind some big old dustbins first because 2 *** males were following you (real story) who potentially hasn't experienced any of the behaviours which fall under *** culture. Whilst I don't treat anyone as if they're Ted Bundy, when meeting someone for the first time kink or otherwise, it's a lot of planning and a lot of consideration. If you haven't had to think of the above, i'll admit to being envious of your privilege. If you have then I apologise. Perhaps though, you may consider that, that privilege is not seen across all genders Amen to that! I was thinking the same thing. Like I'm moving into a new flat...one of the things on my to do list is to ask the landlord if there's...any sex offenders in the block. And when I'm well enough to do supermarket shop in an evening would it be safe for me to walk home. I know that's slightly off track but, still relevant as you can tell a lot about someone via video chat as Shockr pointed out earlier. Do men have any of these ***s too?
Deleted Member Posted June 14, 2022 Author Posted June 14, 2022 42 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: gonna be honest that, I don't have the stats on how many first dates go badly. by "go badly" some of this I mean, that there is just difficult getting rapport (something that a video chat might have helped vet) or that there's poor personal hygiene (something it might not have) or whatever And then going badly being any type of ignoring of consent or boundaries - from not taking a "no" to buying a double from the bar instead of a single (the most common thing used to spike women is more alcohol) to any form of post-date predatory behaviour (following home regardless as off if the date did or didn't go well) and a lot of this is stuff where I don't have the stats because a lot doesn't make it to the stats. A lot just gets chalked off as being a bad date or "he was a bit creepy, won't be seeing him again" I also don't think kinky people are necessarily safer given so many have hidden some of their wrongdoings behind kink (the consent advocate who was asking his sub for consent when she was in subspace - often even doing this publicly so people could see he had consent... then doing something she'd already privately told him was off the cards) I obviously don't think we're all dangerous either, but, honestly, as someone who is not only active in the local community but also runs events - there's a lot goes on you don't see of people who were either dealt with or where there was a complaint of some description.) Again, some of this a video chat won't prevet. But, if someone thinks they're one of the good or safe ones, then, spending a couple of minutes out of their life to put a camera on and helping give someone else a little peace of mind goes a long way. It's also ironic the amount of guys who feel they're useless at private messages and know they could impress someone if only given a chance but won't take that chance with a simple request. Nodding my head emphatically agreeing with you on some of the bad date doozies. The stuff that you mention about the consent and advocate etc is so grim and so sad! I think dating in a modern world is tricky for everyone, and whilst I sometimes miss meeting people in an organic way...apps like this are so fast paced but more likely to find someone tidy.
Pl**** Posted June 14, 2022 Posted June 14, 2022 24 minutes ago, YesDaddyYes said: Do men have any of these ***s too? There are things men should *** (like false accusations or other craziness), but physical danger is typically not one of them. If I'm going to meet a girl, I typically will ask her if she wants to bring a friend and just hang out and do something fun together in a crowded public place, and I suggest this for both of our safeties. Being in public with a friend means she doesn't have to worry about her physical safety, and her friend can also share if she gets any weird vibes. Meeting her friend is a good way for me to get some insight into whether she might be trouble, and if I should require additional safety measures for myself or simply keep my distance. It's a nice safe way to get to know each other over however much fun activity and food it takes.
TheBookCollector Posted June 14, 2022 Posted June 14, 2022 53 minutes ago, YesDaddyYes said: Amen to that! I was thinking the same thing. Like I'm moving into a new flat...one of the things on my to do list is to ask the landlord if there's...any sex offenders in the block. And when I'm well enough to do supermarket shop in an evening would it be safe for me to walk home. I know that's slightly off track but, still relevant as you can tell a lot about someone via video chat as Shockr pointed out earlier. Do men have any of these ***s too? I can only speak for me, yes theres a chance you come across a "bunny boiler type" but its unlikely. The main reason is to make sure.they arent Bill the crane driver pretending to be a woman. Also to give her some piece of mind and see im like my picture before a first meet in a coffee shop.
ey**** Posted June 14, 2022 Posted June 14, 2022 58 minutes ago, YesDaddyYes said: Do men have any of these ***s too? there was an old stat that the sort of thing that women most ***ed from a first date would be that she would be spiked or attacked - the thing that men most ***ed was that she would be 'fat' or not look like her photo (incidentally one of the papers did a 'social experiment' where they set up a bunch of dates and for half the lady they had match with people was placed in a fat suite; 3 of the 4 guys then failed to go through with the date. They then had a guy they managed to get 4 dates for and they put him in a fat suit - all 4 women went through with the date) now I think that actually what men *** most, based on many comments, is being scammed - which, ironically, a video call would probably help put mind at ease there. To a degree, sometimes I worry men don't consider their own safety enough. I *think* I've touched before that there was someone on another site claimed they'd talked to guys who had met up with women and then were robbed. One story was that he got to the motel room and was greeted by a bunch of men to rob him, rather than the lady he thought he was meeting - another was that someone was doing facesitting to the point he passed out and he came round to find all his things gone (seems sophisticated - a blindfold and a little bit bondage can be much more effective to rob someone) While I had skepticism about these stories yeah, in essence there could be truth in them and that maybe men should consider more sometimes.
Deleted Member Posted June 14, 2022 Author Posted June 14, 2022 59 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said: I can only speak for me, yes theres a chance you come across a "bunny boiler type" but its unlikely. The main reason is to make sure.they arent Bill the crane driver pretending to be a woman. Also to give her some piece of mind and see im like my picture before a first meet in a coffee shop. I so misread that as "There's a change you come across as a bunny boiler type" I was like "wow harsh" 😂🤭. Totally agree with your post 💖
Deleted Member Posted June 14, 2022 Author Posted June 14, 2022 55 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: there was an old stat that the sort of thing that women most ***ed from a first date would be that she would be spiked or attacked - the thing that men most ***ed was that she would be 'fat' or not look like her photo (incidentally one of the papers did a 'social experiment' where they set up a bunch of dates and for half the lady they had match with people was placed in a fat suite; 3 of the 4 guys then failed to go through with the date. They then had a guy they managed to get 4 dates for and they put him in a fat suit - all 4 women went through with the date) now I think that actually what men *** most, based on many comments, is being scammed - which, ironically, a video call would probably help put mind at ease there. To a degree, sometimes I worry men don't consider their own safety enough. I *think* I've touched before that there was someone on another site claimed they'd talked to guys who had met up with women and then were robbed. One story was that he got to the motel room and was greeted by a bunch of men to rob him, rather than the lady he thought he was meeting - another was that someone was doing facesitting to the point he passed out and he came round to find all his things gone (seems sophisticated - a blindfold and a little bit bondage can be much more effective to rob someone) While I had skepticism about these stories yeah, in essence there could be truth in them and that maybe men should consider more sometimes. That's really interesting! I wonder if the fat suit/fat *** is to do with how we're wired. I worked in a sex shop once and it was interesting to see how many men bought porn as opposed to women who were buying dirty books. I'll have to Google that there must be some correlation. ***y hell! The face sitting and then being robbed! Yeah it sounds a bit far fetched, unless he did genuinely pass out and the lady saw an opportunity afterwards. 💖
Deleted Member Posted June 15, 2022 Author Posted June 15, 2022 100% a requirement from me, partly for show and tell so they know what they’re signing up for
Dy**** Posted June 15, 2022 Posted June 15, 2022 It's a useful tool for identifying a person who have been talking to. Although, I could scenarios where that still wouldn't verify who shows up. In my experience, this has not been requested of me at all. If it ever is, I will surely make myself available because I don't have a problem with it. It is possible that because it may not be as commonly deployed as phone calls, some people are put off by it. Imagine that, a taboo within taboos........I digress. I think the ultimate answer here is: if the person does something that causes a safety concern, it is not worth following through. It doesn't mean they're a bad person, or dangerous, it simply means they aren't safe for you. And meeting people for connection is about how they influence your feelings to a degree.
CopperKnob Posted June 15, 2022 Posted June 15, 2022 23 hours ago, YesDaddyYes said: Amen to that! I was thinking the same thing. Like I'm moving into a new flat...one of the things on my to do list is to ask the landlord if there's...any sex offenders in the block. And when I'm well enough to do supermarket shop in an evening would it be safe for me to walk home. I know that's slightly off track but, still relevant as you can tell a lot about someone via video chat as Shockr pointed out earlier. Do men have any of these ***s too? I think that generally everyone makes adjustments to their lives to ensure their safety. The analogy of wearing a seatbelt doesn't mean that any of us are paranoid, its just a smart thing to do (and also legal) but I think that sometimes the difference is that whilst seatbelts or looking both ways before crossing the road are things we've all learnt to do, as females, we're also taught to take extra steps to maintain our safety. I think that some men would be shocked to hear all of those steps. I think that if we actually took the time to list them i'd be equally as shocked because, and it's a sad reality to say, it's become second nature. But it's not simply the idea of what may happen, its the consequences after the event. The questions, why were you there, why were you wearing what you were wearing, did you encourage x,y,z and so it becomes more than the incident but also the shame and the blame after the fact. So, absolutely agree, video chats prior to meeting anyone from the online world unless its at a munch/kink event where there are others I know but even then a video chat would still be preferred and it's a no if the other person declines
ph**** Posted June 15, 2022 Posted June 15, 2022 These days, it's the safest route from getting catfished
Deleted Member Posted June 16, 2022 Author Posted June 16, 2022 13 hours ago, CopperKnob said: I think that generally everyone makes adjustments to their lives to ensure their safety. The analogy of wearing a seatbelt doesn't mean that any of us are paranoid, its just a smart thing to do (and also legal) but I think that sometimes the difference is that whilst seatbelts or looking both ways before crossing the road are things we've all learnt to do, as females, we're also taught to take extra steps to maintain our safety. I think that some men would be shocked to hear all of those steps. I think that if we actually took the time to list them i'd be equally as shocked because, and it's a sad reality to say, it's become second nature. But it's not simply the idea of what may happen, its the consequences after the event. The questions, why were you there, why were you wearing what you were wearing, did you encourage x,y,z and so it becomes more than the incident but also the shame and the blame after the fact. So, absolutely agree, video chats prior to meeting anyone from the online world unless its at a munch/kink event where there are others I know but even then a video chat would still be preferred and it's a no if the other person declines Totally agree on the blame and shame front. What difference does it make what we're wearing. The blame always seems to lay at the survivors feet not the perpetrators.
ey**** Posted June 16, 2022 Posted June 16, 2022 a couple of train of thoughts it seems strange there are men opposed to this suggestion, when men are more likely to be catfished and this should help give peace of mind the second one of the things that has frustrated me over the years is when a woman says something bad happened to them there is always a lot of kinda "you should have..." suggestions back to them which however wellmeaning always come across as blamey. you should've met some where public, you shouldn't have took that drink, you should've at least done a chat/call first, you shouldn't have gone back to his, etc. etc. etc.
Pl**** Posted June 16, 2022 Posted June 16, 2022 16 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: it seems strange there are men opposed to this suggestion, when men are more likely to be catfished and this should help give peace of mind I don't think it's that strange, because catfishing isn't that much of a concern. Anybody that's been on the internet for a while can spot most fakes from a mile away, and as someone that actively seeks out those kinds of things, it's rare that I see anything even remotely convincing. Also, by far the most common fake profile scams involve snapchat, so lots of guys probably associate early videochat requests with scammers.
TheBookCollector Posted June 16, 2022 Posted June 16, 2022 1 hour ago, Pleasurecalculus said: I don't think it's that strange, because catfishing isn't that much of a concern. Anybody that's been on the internet for a while can spot most fakes from a mile away, and as someone that actively seeks out those kinds of things, it's rare that I see anything even remotely convincing. Also, by far the most common fake profile scams involve snapchat, so lots of guys probably associate early videochat requests with scammers. While its true you can spot a lot of catfishing profiles quickly, they are evolving the scam and prepared to put effort into a profile and chat for longer to draw you in until your guard is down.
Pl**** Posted June 16, 2022 Posted June 16, 2022 28 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said: While its true you can spot a lot of catfishing profiles quickly, they are evolving the scam and prepared to put effort into a profile and chat for longer to draw you in until your guard is down. That's not really a new thing, or something that has evolved. It's just a different type of scam, and they're still easy to spot, though the long term aspect can be enough to raise doubts. I once chatted with a scammer every day for three months. I was sure from the beginning it was a scam, but I was actually starting to wonder, because that was a crazy amount of effort to put into something with no guarantee of a payoff. But as soon as the hook came, it was obvious again. That kind of scam does get a lot of senior citizens though.
Firefox_ Posted June 16, 2022 Posted June 16, 2022 Think I video chatted with my daddy 2 or 3 times before our first date. Completely agree with all of your reasons. I wouldn't want to meet anyone without some sort of videochat first x
Trevelyan Posted June 16, 2022 Posted June 16, 2022 I am PRO VIDEO CHAT ALL THE WAY!!! Back in 2000, when online dating was a new baby, I chatted with this woman for 2 1/2 months. She was wonderful. We agreed to meet at the Santa Monica 3rd Street Promenade in front of a particular store. I was there, about 10 minutes early, and already in anticipation of seeing her among the crowd - hoping she was early, too. Having seen numerous photos of her, I very well knew what she looked like. At a few minutes past the agreed mee time, I very good looking man approached me and asked if I was "Steven" (not my real name for the purpose of this message). I replied, "Yes, I am." Having assumed that this man was someone "Natalie" had brought with her as a security measure, I asked, "Now that we have met, and you know that I am who I said I am, where is Natalie?" He then responded, in his deep voice, "I AM Natalie". Imagine my state of confusion. Turns out I had been talking with a gay man for 2 1/2 months. HE thought I would like him because of our conversations. PERSONALLY, I am convinced that he had a female "accomplice" whom I was actually conversing with because some of the conversations we had (the content) HAD to be from a female. Now, in 2000, webcams were an accessory, not built-in. Not everyone, or even the majority of people, had them. Several years later, I met a woman online who described herself as having an "Athletic build". I take that to mean that you are in shape, have muscle tone , and look pretty damn good in a pair of jeans. I'd seen photos of only her beautiful face, and had verified that face via a couple of video chats. Cool...let's meet. When I arrived at her place, she met me in her driveway. ATHLETIC BUILD??? Yeah, okay...."Athletic build", I learned, can also be one who is BUILT like a starting offensive linesman for the Green Bay Packers. This woman could wrestle a bear and probably win. The petiteness of her face did not match the rest of her. SO, my friends....Video chat each and every time. If someone refuses after a reasonable time of having chatted, then SOMETHING is wrong.
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