Pushing Boundaries

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, runt said:

holy red flags in this post.

Why is that? People nudge their SO into doing things completely unrelated to kink all the time.

If anything having an explicit discussion on the topic is the opposite of a red flag because it shows a desire to clarify expectations, acceptable standards and discuss how to approach the issue in an appropriate way.

 

[ey****]

15 minutes ago, Mathbro said:

People nudge their SO into doing things completely unrelated to kink all the time.

that isn't necessarily a good thing

17 minutes ago, Mathbro said:

If anything having an explicit discussion on the topic is the opposite of a red flag because it shows a desire to clarify expectations, acceptable standards and discuss how to approach the issue in an appropriate way.

 

I think healthy discussions are important 

The question often is - why does the boundary need to be pushed?

And this could be contextual.

For example - a sub (or Dominant) has a boundary they wish to overcome and it is an objective for them to overcome this, possibly with the help of the other.

GREAT - honest conversations and an agreed approach based on how they both feel would be best.

A sub (or Dominant) may have laid out boundaries.  However their partner is going to slowly push at them despite having no agreement.  Just, y'know, subtle bits at a time.

NOPE - there was no agreement to this and goes against consent.

A Dominant (or sub) makes it clear there is something they would want from their partner which is presently a boundary.  They make it clear this is a boundary that will one day have to be overcome and their partner enters with full informed consent.

I'm mixed on that one.  What if the person says "yes I will do that for you in the future" and then 2 years later finds they really cannot.  Does this end the relationship?

Six months into a dynamic that both are enjoying, the Dominant (or sub) announces they expect their partner to break one of their boundaries and that non-cooperation will end the relationship or result in a punishment until the boundary is broken.
NOPE - this is manipulation and emotional blackmail.

 

If I'm honest, again.

I can understand wanting to come over a boundary either for yourself or for a partner.

However, I think "you will break a boundary for me" as a starting position is often a massive red flag.  

[ru****]

1 hour ago, Mathbro said:

Why is that? People nudge their SO into doing things completely unrelated to kink all the time.

If anything having an explicit discussion on the topic is the opposite of a red flag because it shows a desire to clarify expectations, acceptable standards and discuss how to approach the issue in an appropriate way.

 

I meant the comments, my bad.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, runt said:

holy red flags in this post.

Your opinion!!! We are all different and like to do different things.... if its not for you then scroll on

[ru****]

10 minutes ago, millie191979 said:

Your opinion!!! We are all different and like to do different things.... if its not for you then scroll on

lol okay

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think healthy discussions are important 

The question often is - why does the boundary need to be pushed?

And this could be contextual.

For example - a sub (or Dominant) has a boundary they wish to overcome and it is an objective for them to overcome this, possibly with the help of the other.

GREAT - honest conversations and an agreed approach based on how they both feel would be best.

A sub (or Dominant) may have laid out boundaries.  However their partner is going to slowly push at them despite having no agreement.  Just, y'know, subtle bits at a time.

NOPE - there was no agreement to this and goes against consent.

A Dominant (or sub) makes it clear there is something they would want from their partner which is presently a boundary.  They make it clear this is a boundary that will one day have to be overcome and their partner enters with full informed consent.

I'm mixed on that one.  What if the person says "yes I will do that for you in the future" and then 2 years later finds they really cannot.  Does this end the relationship?

Six months into a dynamic that both are enjoying, the Dominant (or sub) announces they expect their partner to break one of their boundaries and that non-cooperation will end the relationship or result in a punishment until the boundary is broken.
NOPE - this is manipulation and emotional blackmail.

 

If I'm honest, again.

I can understand wanting to come over a boundary either for yourself or for a partner.

However, I think "you will break a boundary for me" as a starting position is often a massive red flag.  

And to maybe provide a vanilla example of the latter, one half of the relationships want a kid, the other half doesn't but they continue the relationship often one thinking the other will change their mind and maybe they do, maybe they don't but at the end of the day, in all likelihood, one half of that relationship is not going to get what they want. It's the same I think with limits/boundaries

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, runt said:

lol okay

This community is hardly a place to judge what people like / do and how

[ey****]

31 minutes ago, millie191979 said:

This community is hardly a place to judge what people like / do and how

I think a lot comes down to context.   For the best part other kinks and how people want to consensually play - absolutely.  I can get into the whole "your kink isn't mine... etc"

However, I think when what some people like isn't entirely consensual or sets off red flags - then - absolutely.  

Consent is key, so if someone is trying to violate this - then yes - it's right to call that out. 

[as****]

I ask while were doing whatever act

[Bi****]

Communication is key. It doesn’t work if women don’t feel comfortable and are really safe. Talk before and during. The brain is the most powerful sexual organ. Taking only makes it that much better. Maybe find a word or two to use if talking isn’t your thing.:)

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

And to maybe provide a vanilla example of the latter, one half of the relationships want a kid, the other half doesn't but they continue the relationship often one thinking the other will change their mind and maybe they do, maybe they don't but at the end of the day, in all likelihood, one half of that relationship is not going to get what they want. It's the same I think with limits/boundaries

My cousin said she didn't want kids, then she got married and afterwards had two kids. She has an MD too and quit working(her husband is also so no lack of *** though). 

Apparently it does change!
 

[CopperKnob]

39 minutes ago, Mathbro said:

My cousin said she didn't want kids, then she got married and afterwards had two kids. She has an MD too and quit working(her husband is also so no lack of *** though). 

Apparently it does change!
 

I didn't say things don't change, I'm highlighting that they don't always

[ru****]

11 hours ago, millie191979 said:

This community is hardly a place to judge what people like / do and how

I will absolutely judge folks being unethical, manipulative or power hungry and that's in this comment section. you don't just ignore toxicity in the scene. especially from Doms. they're not safe just because they want to be in charge. and saying nothing? that's not how you learn, grow or keep yourself safe. grow up and stop worrying about telling me what to do.

[ey****]

I think there's a lot of examples of boundary pushing in vanilla relationships

this can be sexual (pushing for sex when someone says they're not in the mood, so the other person going through with it to stop them bothering) 

but also it can be anything from financial (which could include contributing less to a household budget, or spending more - like for example signing up for an enhanced TV package using a shared account without consulting a partner) to labour (not helping with household tasks) but even different forms of pushing 

 

 

[Fu****]

Depends on the boundary being pushed, theres no one size fits all. Generally I’d use number 2 but not necessarily “pre plan”, but discuss. You are absolutely right. I’ve found with a few girls just because someone isn’t comfortable to do something at first, doesn’t mean they won’t eventually become comfortable.

[ma****]

There is a difference between limits and boundaries.
Limits (hard or soft) are things that are never to be crossed. Playing or pushing limits is a consent *** or expecting someone to change their limits is very likely to end in a disaster.
However, boundaries are different. You might encourage or challenge someone to do something out of their comfort zone (while not going against their limits) - maybe, they are anxious about going in public, therefore you might want to encourage and support them going out.
Limits and boundaries are not just sexual or physical.
Limits are to be respected, regardless if they are a Dom's limits or a sub's limits, regardless if they are a Top's limits or a bottom's limits etc. Just because someone is a Top, Dom, Rigger etc, it doesn't give them the right to push or play with limits.

[CopperKnob]

22 minutes ago, maryioni said:

There is a difference between limits and boundaries.
Limits (hard or soft) are things that are never to be crossed. Playing or pushing limits is a consent *** or expecting someone to change their limits is very likely to end in a disaster.
However, boundaries are different. You might encourage or challenge someone to do something out of their comfort zone (while not going against their limits) - maybe, they are anxious about going in public, therefore you might want to encourage and support them going out.
Limits and boundaries are not just sexual or physical.
Limits are to be respected, regardless if they are a Dom's limits or a sub's limits, regardless if they are a Top's limits or a bottom's limits etc. Just because someone is a Top, Dom, Rigger etc, it doesn't give them the right to push or play with limits.

Precisely, likits are not a checklist to tick of juat becauae you want to. You don't get extra kink points because you've managed to push past one. There is no kink league to top