Which one?

[ey****]

4 hours ago, Shirt-n-Tie-Boy said:

I was speaking to a single mom just this morning with a new a baby. Doesn't know what looking for or wants, or even sure if ready to meet someone. This tied up with what appeared to be a conflicted and contradicting profile.

It's a specific example, but it examples the point I'm about to make, which is many simply don't know what they are doing, what they need, or even what their ideal is, and are just bumbling away on here 

Not criticising those in that category, and perhaps none of us are entirely sure.

when I first joined another site, many years ago, I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted from it - and I took some time to think about it. To read. To learn. Then also of course I looked at a lot what was happening and things women were finding frustrating (or wanted to see) and things that guys were doing that clearly wasn't getting the results they wanted 

Generally. If someone isn't sure.  Then soaking things in at the right pace is good.

And this is also why I dislike a lot of the guys who sit around pressing refresh waiting for new signs up to message - it's very predatory and often scares off people who are trying to find their feet.  

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, OhBuddha said:

Or, meeting someone is all they want and that is their focus. I would say that is the same for someone just wanting to send pictures, wanting just cybersex etc. Fetish. Com is a dating site for folks into kink, bdsm, fetishes and so on. It has extras added into the mix. A lot of the people here, are not into the social thing, don't need their egos streaked by the cliques on the site. They just seem to like kinky sex and would like to connect with someone else who is 😄

I actually refuse to engage with of tolerate the cliqueness. To question or challenge the establishment only puts backs against the wall and threatens their natural order and status quo. Its lose/lose really. That said I have had a couple of moments where highlighted the cultural inhumanity detachment, but its simply futile.

At the end of the day it is simply put a dating site and is marketed as such. This has clearly got lost with those who see it as their home or arena where they rule the land.

Edited July 1, 2022 by Deleted Member

[CopperKnob]

27 minutes ago, Shirt-n-Tie-Boy said:

I actually refuse to engage with of tolerate the cliqueness. To question or challenge the establishment only puts backs against the wall and threatens their natural order and status quo. Its lose/lose really. That said I have had a couple of moments where highlighted the cultural inhumanity detachment, but its simply futile.

At the end of the day it is simply put a dating site and is marketed as such. This has clearly got lost with those who see it as their home or arena where they rule the land.

Is there a clique? I definitely felt that I didn't belong when i signed up but I put that down to my naivety/inexperience in the world of kink and a lack of confidence on my part. I still have those moments but again, that's just me. I don't use the chat rooms because they type too fast and I can't keep up 😂 but I don't have a sense of the site being cliquey? There's certainly people that comment/post frequently in the forums and people that respond sometimes favourably, sometimes not but I see it just as individuals sharing their views so that I and others can learn

[Deleted Member]

@CopperKnobwith hindsight I lacked clarity on last post and should have put more meat on the bones. I was specifically referring to the chatroom as being clique, where there is an established order. Which is why I have found myself more interested and contributing to forum conversation recently, which is evidently more considered, intellectual and balanced.

Edited July 1, 2022 by Deleted Member

[ey****]

I sometimes feel clique is an overused word - and I'm never sure if I'm in a clique or not

a lot is difficult especially if you don't know someone and feel an outsider.   

Some people are better at trying to include people than others - and some, simply put, do not feel it is on them to handhold every newcomer - and I get that - even if it doesn't make things easier

I rarely bother with the chat rooms, for example, but when I first joined the site I had a bit of a difficult time getting involved in the chat, but then when I returned after a while and people were more familar with me (for better or worse, ha) it was a bit easier to interact - they knew I wasn't the latest new sign up after getting my d**k wet.

and. it's like anything - I'm going to an event on Thursday - and - I'm a little anxious about it.  But, for example, the first time I went to this event I knew very few people and when I did see some people I knew I didn't really want to bother them too much as they were in a group (some in the group I knew, many I did not) but by the end of the night I had spoke to a couple of other people here and there and I kinda slid out not-too-early-not-too-late (especially at the bar prices, sweet Jesus)

anyway - the next time this event came around as well as all of the people who I had already knew before the first event there was also people who I'd spoke to at that event and then add in a few more new people I spoke to.... and now this time round... I'm still going by myself but there is someone said I can sit with her if I like (she said I can be her foot stool, but it's not quite *that* type of event, ha) and so I will sit with her for a bit along with everyone else and there's now a couple of other people I've interacted with online I can look forward to speaking to

and hell - by the 5th or 6th or 23rd event I might actually be part of my own little group haha 

But it's remembering everyone knows each other and sometimes breaking into social groups takes time 

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Is there a clique? I definitely felt that I didn't belong when i signed up but I put that down to my naivety/inexperience in the world of kink and a lack of confidence on my part. I still have those moments but again, that's just me. I don't use the chat rooms because they type too fast and I can't keep up 😂 but I don't have a sense of the site being cliquey? There's certainly people that comment/post frequently in the forums and people that respond sometimes favourably, sometimes not but I see it just as individuals sharing their views so that I and others can learn

"Is there a clique" 🤣🤣🤣. Whatever🤪😝😜

[bi****]

Reponses like that are not helpful in the slightest.

[CopperKnob]

10 minutes ago, OhBuddha said:

"Is there a clique" 🤣🤣🤣. Whatever🤪😝😜

I want to know whose in this clique?

[DeviantInside]

Hmmm cliques... is there one? Who is in it? Am I? If so when did that happen and how? I engage with the forums and my posts seem to be fairly well recieved, or at least tolerated. Does that mean I'm a part of a clique? If so I want a badge, or at least a membership certificate.

 

As for chat rooms, when I made my post about the chat rooms in this thread I deliberately avoided the word clique. It does take time and effort to engage with a busy chat room, people will naturally talk more to and notice responses from those people they already know, that doesn't mean they're unwelcoming or deliberately ignoring you. If you go to any social event people will tend to gravitate towards those they already know. That's not cliquey... that's just human nature. If you want to engage there expect it to take time... and that many of your responses may disappear off screen before anyone sees it.

[Bathblonde]

I frequent the lobby i am part of this clique 👀

[Deleted Member]

I wouldn't call this site remotely as cliquish.

The few active groups on FetLife I felt were basically a collection of a bunch of quasi-cults lorded over by a small subset of people in them. Most of the people in these communities engaged in group BDSM parties which were promoted and it was sort of an expectation. I found the whole thing intensely creepy so I selected not to involve myself in any community locally.

Edited July 1, 2022 by Deleted Member

[northern_dom]

21 hours ago, ravenna600 said:

There are no real women on this site at all.....only fake, and women that want ***....

But a real women....nahhhh they don't exist on this site...

I understand this is your opinion on something but if it was based on facts it would carry way more weight.  Not every women on here is fake or is looking for payment of any kind.  Thats a very sweeping and also untrue statement.

[Tr****]

Ravenna, I get your stance, problem is prop don’t report like they should and then in a lot of area’s people are finding slim pickings where it is a majority of women looking for payment and fake profiles or people who haven’t been on in months to over a year. Then fetlife doesn’t even update to more possible candidates and they also try to make you pay to upgrade for possibly more options but if this is what I get for free then why am I about to invest in the app when they have failed so far? Some of us is looking for LTR and not to stay on here long term anyways. With the cost of living being so high, should being happy also cost? Is it fair to say “Hey! If you want to be happy we have the solution, we are strangers who deal in a world where extortion has been used a lot, if you don’t feel safe giving us your information or you have more important things to spend your *** on then you can’t afford to be happy and you deserve to be miserable the rest of your life.” “No we are not a escort service but we think you should pay us anyways.” Then there are the dons who think Domming means the subs should pay financial tribute for sex acts which is textbook prostitution and that is the majority of the problem. Work hard to earn a living and then people ruin the outlet by telling the person who works for a living they have to pay to be happy or they don’t deserve it. So I also see his side of the argument. I report people all the time as soon as they ask me to pay anything, prostitution is illegal where I am and so I also won’t risk my freedom nor will I condone such behavior which ultimately gives our community a bad name, if someone wants to pay for stuff like this, it’s not hard to find a hooker outside of our community and outside of the digital realm so why bullshit.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, northern_dom said:

I understand this is your opinion on something but if it was based on facts it would carry way more weight.  Not every women on here is fake or is looking for payment of any kind.  Thats a very sweeping and also untrue statement.

How do you feel about the statement "There are no real men on this site"?

[northern_dom]

17 minutes ago, OhBuddha said:

How do you feel about the statement "There are no real men on this site"?

Exactly the same. Its sweeping and false. 

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, OhBuddha said:

How do you feel about the statement "There are no real men on this site"?

That certainly caught my eye! It's one of those dont get me started on that comments and que for me to ramble.

Re the site comparison, I think this site is better than FL. I mean FL is even more of a closed shop and established community and that saying something. Nothing seems to happen on FL does it? Can go many weeks and months with no profile view/msg/notification.

[ey****]

31 minutes ago, OhBuddha said:

How do you feel about the statement "There are no real men on this site"?

I think someone did that on here a couple of years ago - but a friend of mine did this on Fetlife a while longer.

She'd been particularly annoyed by someone who'd done the whole "there are no real Dommes" thing (I think actually that she had turned him down - or - had said she would play with him *if* he turned up at a play event she was at and they chatted first and got on.  He grumbled about the distance and she was like "so you want me to come to you?", "yes", "OK, the petrol to get to you, and something for me to eat on the way is about £40 - would you cover it?" and he grumbled about everyone wanting ***)

Anyway. Anyyyywayyyyy
She did a post about "where are all the real subs?" parodying some of the "all the women are fake" posts and - well, yep, of course it flushed out a lot of "pick me" guys (who had nothing going for them above "I have fetishes - do them with me!") and other kinda entitled guys which played into her point quite well.

She made it very clear what she was looking for in a sub and for all the "pick me" guys not one could demonstrate they met what she was looking for (it wasn't actually a complex set of criteria - a lot was "I like going to fetish events, I would like you to be there as my sub.  This is the play I enjoy, but, this isn't going to be 24/7 play time so we also need other things in common for when we're not playing - especially if we're having long car drives to fetish events around the country") - incidentally, she did meet someone by chance at a fetish event in another part of the country and so they had long drives to see each other until they both moved.

Of course as well, unlike the 'pick me' guys (who often come across as desperate, rather than submissive) that when men do the "there are no real women" thing apart from the odd person who might go "excuse-f**king-me" women tend not to go "hey, I'm real" in the same kinda "pick me" way - because the guy is often to some degree baiting and is then going to use this to message any woman that comments.

So what then happen is he gets no/few responses to his negging - and uses that as evidence "see, there's no real women here" while everyone else rolls their eyes. 

[ey****]

24 minutes ago, Shirt-n-Tie-Boy said:

Re the site comparison, I think this site is better than FL. I mean FL is even more of a closed shop and established community and that saying something. Nothing seems to happen on FL does it? Can go many weeks and months with no profile view/msg/notification.

both sites have changed a lot over the years even without either making wholesale changes

this site had been growing rep and traffic before dropping the app and that in itself has flooded the site with a lot of newcomers.  In some ways this is good (more accessibility) but in some ways it has attracted a few folk who have not entirely been suitable and while their stay has shortlived it's frustrated people in that time (be this OF people whose short lived time has been because they've been thrown off - or people whose interests are more vanilla. I don't mean this to sound gatekeeper-y at all, but someone whose idea of kink is "all the ladies will rush to give me a BJ" or whatever - who often disappear when they really don't get what they want.)

Fetlife has also had assorted peaks and troughs and it feels like a lot of the groups and stuff were more active when I joined many years ago - but now I think that because there's so many boards, many of which are similar, a lot of questions feel like they've been asked to death and a lot more that are just flooded with dull personals.   While it is good for events, I'm aware of one munch who completely forgot to list their event but still got 60 people show up.   I think a lot of people have drifted away from FL for assorted reasons and especially with there being so many alternative ways to communicate these days (you don't need fetlife to keep up with your kink friends any more - you can have them in a whatsapp group chat or whatever) folk are using it less as they don't have to tolerate the elements they don't like (FL is pretty weak at dealing with a lot of prejudice.   That it also took several years for them to start working on mailbox filters sums a lot up) the downside of that is fewer 'good' users actively contributing which reflects into a much poorer user experience.

While, of course, people have found partners via there - it's also not really built for dating, but an extension of the kink community.   You find out when an event is on, go, add folk you chatted to, these all become your friends, you interact with their posts and they yours and suddenly you're introduced to more people so the next event you go to there's already a few "hey, I saw you online - you said cool stuff" moments.   Or, at least how it used to kinda work. 

[sk****]

FetLife is not for hookups