Deleted Member Posted July 3, 2022 Author Posted July 3, 2022 58 minutes ago, whitefeetlover said: Ngl if they weren’t disabled themself I’d question their motives a bit. There’s a difference to having a preference than possibly being with someone because they personally understand your struggle and deal with the same things. That’s not to say there aren’t good people out there who can look past all of that and love you fully for who you are but let’s not forget that people who are disabled already face stigma on a day to day basis, let alone the dating scene but can often be taken advantage of because of that. Does it matter to them what you prefer? Does anyone except you really care? Dating outside your race is seen as power play because society steals that power from certain people. Ableist preference is the same kind of power play. We aren't 'ideal,' so we become quirky novelties. People worship our differences in ways they see as positive -even if we DONT agree- (a preference), or they treat us like we aren't useful except during sex (a fetishization). The third option is to simply acknowledge that, regardless of what YOU decide to tolerate, people will either accept your disability as a normal part of you OR they will define it without your help. I, personally, don't date people who "prefer" my body type. I'm not just a body. I'd rather be liked DESPITE not being the preferred option. It means they're not about to dump me the INSTANT I'm not preferable.
Deleted Member Posted July 3, 2022 Author Posted July 3, 2022 So you're just going to assume all abled people can't understand us now? I don't use a cane but I understand my partner's need for a cane. Some abled people are BETTER with disabilities than disabled people who loathe their own 'invalidity.' Every person alive defies stereotyping. You can't know them until you bond. You're avoiding bonding and using stereotypes as your excuse. Why would anyone want to be preferred instead of being loved based on their ideas and choices? 🤷 What happens to someone who gets fat when their partner "prefers" skinny people?🤔 They get dumped for things they can't control and they believe they're less desirable now😟. It's the same feeling any minority might have in society: "I'm not preferable. I can be replaced. My value is low."😬You're trying to argue AGAINST that ideology, right?! If you "prefer" a body (white, disabled or NOT disabled for example) you're telling people you idealize something it symbolizes. At that point they must accept this idea or you'll reject them ("it's just my Preference, 🤨 leave me alone 🙄.") If you "fetishize" them, by comparison, then you believe you know how to use their body to get off. Both of those HURT people, even if you're trying to compliment them. It takes away our right to self-define. Saying you "prefer" someones body is the same as saying their mind isn't as important as Your personal definition of THEIR race/disability/ability/whatever. Who says you get to choose how your friends look? They don't even get to and they OWN the damned thing! 😵 What you GET to choose is who you abandon. I wouldn't risk being abandoned for something as stupid as my body type. That's why I don't personally date people who think my body type is important to my attractiveness. Beauty is imaginary. Attraction is personal. Fetishization is objectification. Preference is bias. 😐 Someone else said it well: this isn't supposed to be an insult, but a learning opportunity. 🤯
Deleted Member Posted July 3, 2022 Author Posted July 3, 2022 Hot take, but I'm not willing to let this wonderful conversation backslide into the "ITS JUST MY OPINION!!!!!!!" meme.
Deleted Member Posted July 4, 2022 Author Posted July 4, 2022 I don't fantasize persay but a chick with a partial amputation can still be very attractive to me if she's fit. There's still lots of bondage stuff we could do with some adjustments.
Deleted Member Posted July 4, 2022 Author Posted July 4, 2022 ^^^ Again, an example of the filtering principle. You can only reject people, not choose them. It feels SOOOOOO much like a compliment until it suddenly becomes apparent you're just filling someone else's needs. And, of course, they don't care about your disability or how you feel about it, they want to work around it like it's not there.
Deleted Member Posted July 4, 2022 Author Posted July 4, 2022 3 hours ago, ofae said: ^^^ Again, an example of the filtering principle. You can only reject people, not choose them. It feels SOOOOOO much like a compliment until it suddenly becomes apparent you're just filling someone else's needs. And, of course, they don't care about your disability or how you feel about it, they want to work around it like it's not there. You’ve wrote a lot here I did want to personally respond to your belief that interracial dating is a power play. I’ve never actually thought there was a power dynamic in interracial dating. The first love of my life was a white girl and even though I’m not that old I grew up in the time hearing ignorant things. Even with my family saying things like you shouldn’t date out of your race! And interracial partners saying the same! Luckily things are progressing in the sense that not so many eyes are being batted. I remember the stares in public just holding hands, and the contempt of seeing a kiss. I don’t see the power dynamic over a partner in that. If anything I see the power of pissing off culture and doing what you want because that’s what we did. Also In response to weight preferences. I’m actually a fan of bigger women. If my partner wants to be skinny which is something she’s actively working on id still love her. I think there are extremes in both to where it can become unhealthy though and that could warrant leaving.
ey**** Posted July 4, 2022 Posted July 4, 2022 I think to tie some points together There's often a lot of line between preference and fetishising and it's always important to be on the right side of the line If you are disabled, for example, there are a lot of people who would find it neither off-putting nor especially attractive either way. Of course, what sucks is there are people who would be put off by this (folk with Down Syndrome for example often massively struggle to forge relationships because of people's prejudice) but - it also sucks there are people who fetishise this; and this isn't that they see you as a person but are attracted to your disability. But you can also swap out disability for a lot of other things Race, trans, build, hell - even a lot of other fetishes And it is always important to be on the right side of the line - that it is OK to have a preference but, of course, making sure it's not fetishising or objectification
Deleted Member Posted July 5, 2022 Author Posted July 5, 2022 I have faith that there is a spectrum in all things. Sometimes preference is just a natural trend in your habits that you can't deny. Interracial dating is frequently NOT about power, however, you exert your power over society in this case. They can't touch you, nor can they shame your partner. The fact that you have to point out that people TRY, however, is what brings to light the power exchange. Public opinion takes certain parasocial powers away from white people in interracial relationships. That power is then shared with their partner, who is assumed by the same standards to be more acceptable, as they have already been embraced by a white person (even if the -bigoted- public opinion of that person is diminished by their taboo acceptance of other races). I'm more trying to describe the two extremes of what it can mean to people when certain terms are used. It's one thing to accept someone as they are, admitting you also have a soft spot for certain traits. It's another to make it clear that you would "prefer," or in other terms "choose first," someone else based on simple things like appearance. This implies you're just waiting for someone better to come along instead of celebrating who you have.
Deleted Member Posted July 5, 2022 Author Posted July 5, 2022 To be clear, I do admit openly that I also have an affinity for certain physical traits. The point here is that people normalize and defend their right to directly reject people based on their preferences. The relationships you miss out on when you defend choosing your oreferences as a -right- (not that you, directly, did this) are the ones that help you see that nobody's preferences matter in any relationship. Their ~acceptance~ of that which they are unfamiliar with Does matter. In short: If someone talks to me because of my appearances all I know is that they're NOT choosing to talk to other people because of their unchecked biases. Bias isn't a compliment.
Deleted Member Posted July 6, 2022 Author Posted July 6, 2022 The number of times I’ve had people make weird comments about my autism during sex or even call me the r slur during…it’s almost enough to make me give up altogether. Almost.
Th**** Posted July 20, 2022 Posted July 20, 2022 July 6, Deleted profile said: The number of times I’ve had people make weird comments about my autism during sex or even call me the r slur during…it’s almost enough to make me give up altogether. Almost. I would knock someone out for this
Cr**** Posted July 20, 2022 Posted July 20, 2022 48 minutes ago, Th4tFl0w3rL4dy said: I would knock someone out for this Agreed. Any type of slurs but ones specific to you should never be used by a partner/playmate unless you’ve specifically made it clear to them you enjoy it. Too many people take liberties when it’s more thoughtful and polite to discuss such things first.
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