Rejection

[ey****]

4 hours ago, Daddy-n-sub said:

I actually had someone reply that they felt it was nicer to not respond than to simply say they were not interested...

on this and pretty much a few comments about "ghosting" (you're not being ghosted if someone stops responding unless you either had met, or were about to meet and there was some form of actual relationship)

Actually turning someone down is an emotional effort - people don't actually want to hurt the others feelings and there is no such thing as "let them down gently" - someone hitting a "no thanks" button is a very clear "sorry, I'm not interested" and there is the answer.  No further debates or essays on why they are not interested are needed.

Some folk have found that given the person talking to them may also be talking to others - they may "forget" if a message is left unread but any form of "sorry, not interested" is a stern and definite rejection.   But also, sometimes people do not reply because life is in the way - it is usually ok to give a little prod to an unreplied message

Equally. Someone deleting their profile may well be that they've found the lifestyle is not for them, something drastic has happened - or - they've actually been thrown off the site for being a scammer.  None necessarily a reflection on the individual. 

[Deleted Member]

I think it's nice to say if you're no longer interested instead of just hitting ignore, particularly after a nontrivial conversation.  There have been some women I have talked to online where I told them this and wished them best of luck. For example one had kids and I realized I didn't want to be involved in that and I told her I wasn't a good fit. 

I also need to point out people just troll and ghosting is a way to do that....which is another reason to meet up as soon as possible. 

 

[ch****]

I deal with abandonment issues as well. Two things that have helped me. 1. You will always have the memories made if any and no one can take those from you even of they leave and 2. We cant control anyone but ourselvs which ulitmately thats what we are wanting to do control if some leaves or not. Because those who are going to stay are going to stay and those who are going to leave are going to leave its not up to us but them just do your best to be your best and know when or if they do leave that you did your best.

[Ch****]

Women can expect a lot of *** online. Weak men can get angry and abusive if rejected.
With this in mind, I understand why woman feel safer ghosting me, rather than actually rejecting me outright. Even if it does leave me in limbo.

[Da****]

@eyemblacksheep Im good with a no, thanks....any answer is better than no answer

"someone hitting a "no thanks" button is a very clear "sorry, I'm not interested" and there is the answer. "

 

[Da****]

9 hours ago, LittleSoulTease said:

Please try to remember some people don't feel safe, comfortable or confident enough in having to say to someone- I'm not interested or I do not find you attractive etc.
It puts you in a position for someone to message and hit on you and expect a reply. But then if it's a harsh reality reply of "I'm not interested", a lot don't listen or get highly offensive and insulting.
Having experienced that a lot myself I find it easier now to just "no thanks and hide". I tried for such a long time to give everyone the time to reply and explain that at least it wasn't something they did, or if it was what they did. But in the end I got a lot of vile comments from it.
When I "no thanks" I don't have to worry about being threatened or insulted or someone being highly argumentative because they chose to put themselves out and I then said I'm sorry, I'm not interested but good luck.
I'm sorry it is happening to you but it doesn't always mean you've done something wrong. It's a quicker and safer way for people to say no these days.
Rejection isn't an easy thing to take and I'd be lying if I said it gets easier. But you should be proud that you still go out and give people a try and express yourself. It's very brave and I admire that.
Sometimes you may say something wrong or word it not in the way you meant it to come across and it's just a learning curve. Not succeeding isn't failing, it's learning ways which don't work to overcome
I hope you're feeling better from these responses and I know it's easier said but try not to let the rejection swallow you up and become your mood.
Trying is better than anything and as long as you're asking these questions and listening, you're always improving.

How can people not feel safe you're behind a keyboard, not face to face. (Not an attack,a true question)

[ma****]

This isn't rejection. This is the other person not being genuine. This is rejection you are desperately conjuring up because that's the only conclusion you feel is right. That you are conditioned to believe it's something you must have done wrong is the crux of the real situation here. That people here are counseling on rejection here is a complete mistake and not helping you see what's actually happening is a travesty and makes me feel sad.

[SP****]

Rejection is hard, you just get over it!!!

[ze****]

I've been rejected a few thousand times. At first it really bothered me but now it doesn't bother me anymore. I've been looking for a mommy for many years who wants a sweet precious little baby boy and I'm still searching. I look on it as their loss.

[ma****]

I have no issue with people rejecting me. I am not compatible with everyone so rejection can happen.

The things I have issues with are ghosting, lying (including omission of truth), leading someone on or stringing someone along, *** (of any form), keeping someone as an option.

[Deleted Member]

I get rejected alot, and discriminated, because being Asian. So use to it. It doesn't bother me. I know I am not everybody's taste, and there will always be stupid people... men that only mrssage to Asian, Blacks, Latina/Hispanics... any women of color because they think we are "easy or too dumb".😊

[ha****]

Rejection is just part of life! It hurts but you move on! It doesn’t mean it still doesn’t sting! But hold your head up and be strong !

[Deleted Member]

*hugs* With time.. and repeating to myself that there is someone still waiting for me & I haven’t met them, yet.

[te****]

F**k them. If they don't like you that's their problem. Don't let anyone take you down and make you feel bad about yourself.

[Deleted Member]

I sympathise and empathise with the OP and all who the post resonated with. Was speaking with someone on here daily, hours and hours of long chat at a time, then just a went cold with no explanation and not spoken to me for days now. I'd rather have been blocked as that in itself gives a bit of closure. I value honesty mixed with closure but understand some may find that hard to deliver. 

I found on vanilla ODS very few seeked a LTR. On this particular LTR I can't quote factual statistics or anything, but have a strong impression the ratio of those seeking  LTR is even lower.

As I seek a LTR I therefore have little expectation and that certainly helped me deal with this recent rejection.

[Li****]

23 hours ago, Daddy-n-sub said:

How can people not feel safe you're behind a keyboard, not face to face. (Not an attack,a true question)

For numerous reasons.
Just because you're behind a screen doesn't mean people can switch their emotions off to another human being so easily.
I know myself, I've gave an explanation and then been made to feel guilty, shitty, remorseful just because they didn't get the answer they wanted.
Especially if people struggle with things like Anxiety it isn't nice to give someone their explanation then it be basically thrown in your face.
There's a reason the "no thanks" exists and I'm glad it does.
Some people don't deserve the explanation or time and thank god you've never had to deal with personal attacks then but just because it's online doesn't make it any less what it is.

[Zi****]

If they're rude enough to do that to you why would you want them in the first place? Issues aside, they're not even giving you the basic common courtesy of a dear John letter. So just take a deep breath and move on. Realize they aren't worth your effort and weren't from the beginning. That and realize that rejection happens to the best of us, quite often too.

[Da****]

11 hours ago, LittleSoulTease said:

For numerous reasons.
Just because you're behind a screen doesn't mean people can switch their emotions off to another human being so easily.
I know myself, I've gave an explanation and then been made to feel guilty, shitty, remorseful just because they didn't get the answer they wanted.
Especially if people struggle with things like Anxiety it isn't nice to give someone their explanation then it be basically thrown in your face.
There's a reason the "no thanks" exists and I'm glad it does.
Some people don't deserve the explanation or time and thank god you've never had to deal with personal attacks then but just because it's online doesn't make it any less what it is.

Ok makes sense to me.. and I'm sorry that happened to you. For me, the no, thanks is all I need. I reply, thank you and good luck... the reason doesn't really matter, it thier prerogative and I can respect that.

[Si****]

Here’s how you overcome *** of rejection, go on POF or Twitter and work your way up to real life. Start conversing with random females IrL and on PoF/Twitter just start off with some ballsy ass shit. Tbh you will get ghosted a lot but when you do get a response you will feel better about yourself. Or maybe that’s just how I did it. Idk it’s basically just getting used to getting rejected until you can take constant no’s and feel good about yourself. It’s just a word and you won’t feel bad knowing you can handle talking no for an answer.

[ma****]

Thursday at 07:58 PM, Daddy-n-sub said:

Ok makes sense to me.. and I'm sorry that happened to you. For me, the no, thanks is all I need. I reply, thank you and good luck... the reason doesn't really matter, it thier prerogative and I can respect that.

Exactly. It only takes a few seconds to say "no, thanks", or "I'm not interested" and this is in case people have been respectfully speaking - I believe that someone completely going silent when there were quite a few engaging conversations proves how imature and irresponsible that person is and the fact that during an issue, they would not try to solve it, but run away.
.
With this said, if someone receives new messages from people they have never spoken to, then that someone doesn't owe any replies to the senders. Also, if someone starts being rude, disrespectful, inconsiderate or starts being "thirsty", then it is reasonable for people receiving those messages to completely stop any contact without explanation.

It is important that we consider certain factors in situations like those.

[fo****]

Tuesday at 09:41 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

Before I get to the beef; if you do have attachment/abandonment issues this is something you really need to work on before pushing for a relationship because actually getting into a relationship could end up being worse for you.

So, firstly...

Accept that rejection is normal and everyone goes through it.   

Even if someone did give you a reason it might never feel enough - someone could just be "but I just don't feel this is going anywhere" and that itself still doesn't give you the closure you wanted as it doesn't tell you what you could have done to make it go somewhere. So you also have to accept you might not get the closure.

It might be you could look and see how you could have done things better, but sometimes rejection isn't about you.

People can learn to be more resilient.  It's about being open minded and avoiding all-or-nothing thinking.  Look at what you can learn while practicing self care (like, it's ok to feel sad something hasn't worked out! And it's OK to want to do something to help get over it)

and also to keep putting yourself out there. to dust down, to learn where you can and build where you can and just... well... not take things personally. 

I think that was perfectly said.

[Deleted Member]

Something that helped me today. I hope it helps you as well: In case you were wondering it’s actually not your job to make people love you. It’s your job to show people who you are and allow them an opportunity to love you if they want to. If they don’t please just let them walk away. They we’re probably going to walk away anyways but they just we’re sticking around to see if you’d beg a little bit. Don’t even give them that. Let them go. You’re not a shapeshifter. You’re not going to turn the version of yourself that you think would be more lovable by the person you are trying to be loved by. That’s not love. That’s exhausting.
~Elyse Myers

[Ma****]

Honesty is Kindness. A lack of communication shows a lack of respect, for all parties involved.
Some people suffer from Rejection Sensitive Disphoria. The feelings accompanied by rejection or perceived rejection are disproportionate and can be overwhelming.
Feelings, being aware of them and how they can help you reveal who you are and what you need to be happy is not weakness. Not asking for help or thinking you don’t deserve good relationships or happiness, that is a weakness. One that can be overcome.
Trust is the core foundation for any Kink/BDSM relationship. That includes trusting yourself. The only person obliged to like you is you. The better relationship/understanding you have with yourself the easier the feelings associated with rejection will be to overcome. Don’t be afraid to seek the opinion of a professional/therapist to help with this journey. 🖖🏼

[Mz****]

Sounds like you have unresolved healing like most people. You have to do the work. One thing people seem to forget with the whole online platform is you are strangers talking. Nobody owes you anything and if your just talking it's not a relationship. If you were dating in person had a first date and it didn't go well then you wouldn't see them again. I tell my friends all the time stop planning a relationship in your head. Stay in the moment and have healthy detachment.

[JimtheBear2]

Seriously, rejection is nothing! I had a friend of mine who had a serious issue with talking to women because of his *** of rejection so I took him to the public beach, and our goal was to ask every woman that we were attracted to for their phone number But we were actually there to be rejected ! the goal was that the individual woman that gave either of us or both the greatest rejection line one fifty dollars. He and I had spent the entire day asking women for their numbers just to be rejected. And doing so he got use to being rejected and therefore overcame his ***. A woman did win the prize by rejecting us well rejecting me, and what I thought was the funniest That had been done the entire day. When I told her she had one she had asked what was going on and I informed her what we were doing and I gave her the $50 she gave me her phone number. Is nothing the word no nothing it doesn’t hurt, there is no physical damage and emotionally. It doesn’t matter as you hear the word no every day no matter what you doing your life, so why does the word know bother anybody when it comes to relationships or starting one?