Guys, It’s ok to be angry. Just put it where it belongs

[Deleted Member]

@Sara-Secretsits not that I don't see it or believe *some* men can be inappropriate, and so wrong. I totally acknowledge that, I'm just not sure why the same post needs regurgitated, and why it has to be done in such a provoking and sweepingly offensive way. Hiding behind double meanings is cunning at best, but does not fool anyone.

Look I don't go around blocking people randomly. Given the loose/lack of moderation I have to do so, but it's only the core group of antogonisers and their followers.

Thanks for sharing your personal story and I'm sorry to hear of such a bad experience. That was however 1 man. Women get drunk too, and attack men too. Women can behave inappropriately just as men can. But you don't see males posting mischievous sweeping posts in a torrent series to wind up women and cause upset. I am pleased that is not happening. Cultural attitudes will not be changed on this, that's where and why the filtering is necessary.

[CopperKnob]

"Protagonist" is the correct word to use in this instance.
Whilst you may empathise with the above incident, you minimise it by saying "women can behave inappropriately..."
When men post about the *** they experience, you don't see women commenting about theirs because, well emotional intelligence.
Cultural attitides can be changed, we see it throughout history. That can only be brought about through speaking up about the issues and taking action

[ge****]

[ey****]

13 minutes ago, Shirt-n-Tie-Boy said:

Women get drunk too, and attack men too. Women can behave inappropriately just as men can. But you don't see males posting mischievous sweeping posts in a torrent series to wind up women and cause upset.

realistically - and in seriousness - how often has this happened during your life?  I can name examples in mine - but I can probably think of more examples of me being, in some way, sexually ***ed by a man than a woman.

Equally, when I can think of examples...

There was a time I was going to a munch and I was early - so not to be rude and especially as I was hungry, I went to another bar first to eat, meaning by the time I got served and had eaten the 'newbie half hour' would be over and I could attend 

Walked into the bar and it was insanely busy and we were stood trying to work out if there was any chance at all we could eat there.  Someone groped my bum. My immediate thought was it was someone I knew who was also going to the munch and had the same idea.  It was not - there were young ladies laughing at my reaction and I just came over all ashen.

I also knew that reporting this would not be taken seriously - but - partially I knew this because my wife had been groped in a pizza shop, by a guy, with CCTV evidence, and reported it and got NFA'd - so there's no way this would be taken seriously.

But this was a rarity. I otherwise was not frightened or threatened. These were not ladies who were going to say how I loved it really and should go home with them. This was not ladies who would follow me. They probably didn't sit in the corner and masturbate over what they'd done.

  What makes it so memorable was because it was so rare.  And, y'know, on paper there are plenty of guys for whom this sort of thing would be their fantasy.  

[ey****]

to cite a common equation

when it comes to meeting someone for a date the things men tend to *** the most are

- she will not show

- she will not look like her pictures

some more rational men extend to

- she has other options, increasing the pressure to 'get it right'

- that the place is pricey so hopes she isn't disappointed this won't be ongoing

- *** of making a 'move' too soon, or in not making a move if that is seen as being disinterested (I feel this one so much in general)

----

so men get a lot of dating anxiety which is all relevant.   sometimes I think men push for early meets to mitigate "other options" a kinda "get there first" similar to the mindset of those who sit refreshing waiting for new members on a site, not realising how creepy that actually is.

by contrast... 

while women share some of the same anxieties above (they tend to be more forgiving to 'does not look like photos' but instead of an anxiety more of 'do I look like my pictures') - they also have in

- They will cross my boundaries

which can be anything from drink spiking, intrusiveness, following home, threatening behaviour, consensually going home together and then not stopping if mind is changed, stealthing, so on.

and so mitigation for that becomes a military exercise. Telling friends where they're going, who with, having a 'safe out', so on 

and the best men can sometimes offer is "But I am safe, do not let one asshole ruin things for you" - which, is exactly what the LAST asshole said. 

[CopperKnob]

18 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

to cite a common equation

when it comes to meeting someone for a date the things men tend to *** the most are

- she will not show

- she will not look like her pictures

some more rational men extend to

- she has other options, increasing the pressure to 'get it right'

- that the place is pricey so hopes she isn't disappointed this won't be ongoing

- *** of making a 'move' too soon, or in not making a move if that is seen as being disinterested (I feel this one so much in general)

----

so men get a lot of dating anxiety which is all relevant.   sometimes I think men push for early meets to mitigate "other options" a kinda "get there first" similar to the mindset of those who sit refreshing waiting for new members on a site, not realising how creepy that actually is.

by contrast... 

while women share some of the same anxieties above (they tend to be more forgiving to 'does not look like photos' but instead of an anxiety more of 'do I look like my pictures') - they also have in

- They will cross my boundaries

which can be anything from drink spiking, intrusiveness, following home, threatening behaviour, consensually going home together and then not stopping if mind is changed, stealthing, so on.

and so mitigation for that becomes a military exercise. Telling friends where they're going, who with, having a 'safe out', so on 

and the best men can sometimes offer is "But I am safe, do not let one asshole ruin things for you" - which, is exactly what the LAST asshole said. 

I think you speak a lot of sense in a really diplomatic way. There's a lot to be said for scarcity mindset

[Ar****]

15 hours ago, Lockfairy said:

So … um … where do you live?

In some ways I feel quite uncomfortably like The Childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang right now 😳 COME ALONG, MY LITTLE DEARS, COME TO MEEEEE.... 🤣🤣🤣

15 hours ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

Ooof yes! Put the kettle on, I'm on my way! Half each? 🤣

Of course! I took it out of the freezer last night so should be about defrosted now 🥰

[Th****]

Whilst understanding the perils the ladies have to negotiate on the various sites, and I'm sure that most if not all of the genuine guys can only apologise for the knuckle daggers.
I tend to have similar issues, as well as some that do tend to be quite upsetting.

I hate text messaging in any form, I much preferr to chat on the phone or in video, and eventually face to face, I find that messages can be misconstrued or misunderstood as it lacks the human emotion you get from s***ch, and I'm not going to start looking for a tonn of emotional emojis to try to convey the message, it's just not practical.

I am primal, very primal since coming back from the Ukraine, so I can only apologise for some of my primal nature, the rest......well that's me, but it's seen as being aggressive, the lack of understanding primal dominants, can and dose create problems.

Having you brain picked by others that initially showed an interest in you only to be binned off for the next 6 pack super daddy doms. I find this the most frustrating, and tend to throw up the not happening again barriers.

[CopperKnob]

5 minutes ago, TheBodyguard said:

Whilst understanding the perils the ladies have to negotiate on the various sites, and I'm sure that most if not all of the genuine guys can only apologise for the knuckle daggers.
I tend to have similar issues, as well as some that do tend to be quite upsetting.

I hate text messaging in any form, I much preferr to chat on the phone or in video, and eventually face to face, I find that messages can be misconstrued or misunderstood as it lacks the human emotion you get from s***ch, and I'm not going to start looking for a tonn of emotional emojis to try to convey the message, it's just not practical.

I am primal, very primal since coming back from the Ukraine, so I can only apologise for some of my primal nature, the rest......well that's me, but it's seen as being aggressive, the lack of understanding primal dominants, can and dose create problems.

Having you brain picked by others that initially showed an interest in you only to be binned off for the next 6 pack super daddy doms. I find this the most frustrating, and tend to throw up the not happening again barriers.

I'm not asking you to make excuses or apologise for your own or anyone elses behaviour.
I'm asking that when you see poor behaviour (to phrase it mildly) in yourself, you recognise it, reflect and adapt. I'm asking that when you see these behaviours in others that you call it out. That you attempt to educate others why it's not acceptable. How it contributes to *** culture.
Because if we don't do this, nothing will change. Women will still be guarded around men because men will still perpetuate those behaviours

[PJ****]

22 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Of course! I took it out of the freezer last night so should be about defrosted now 🥰

I should mention that I really really like cheesecake too 😶 with tea.. just sayin

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, Shirt-n-Tie-Boy said:

Women get drunk too, and attack men too. Women can behave inappropriately just as men can. But you don't see males posting mischievous sweeping posts in a torrent series to wind up women and cause upset.

They do. I have two exes who were/are alcoholics who would be vicious and abusive towards me after drinking, including physically. Another ex whose DV was more covert. I don't go shouting about how I'm part of the "I Am" survivors' project which recently had a lot of media coverage for it's display of twelve of us in Manchester (particularly when the Duchess of Cornwall visited, as one of her charities provided funding). As anxious as partaking in the project made me and as much as it brought back things I didn't want to re-visit, I did it because awareness is important and if my presence helps/inspires just one other person then it's worth it.

The recent posts you cite are not sweeping; they've never been sweeping, it's been clarified to you that they aren't sweeping, and a great many people have tried to explain to you calmly and rationally why they are not sweeping. You have rejected that, which is your choice. Nobody else is responsible for that, how you interpret them reflects solely on yourself. But do you know why there aren't as many of these (not mischievous, not sweeping) posts made by men about their experiences? Fucking numbers mate. The same reasons why in a project of 50 *** survivors, I think THREE of us were male. And the ones who go through it tend to understand that their experience is the thin end of the wedge, that women and minorities tend to get it far worse, far more consistently. Yes yes, I'm sure this is where you go "ah but there is still a stigma for men, they don't speak up about it". Which with all the stigma and statistics for women surrounding just *** ALONE that would be a foolish place to go.

There is no place for whataboutism here, or anybody's persecution complex.

[Go****]

To say, 'yes but women do it too' is to minimise the experience of the person you're speaking to. 

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

to cite a common equation

when it comes to meeting someone for a date the things men tend to *** the most are

- she will not show

- she will not look like her pictures

some more rational men extend to

- she has other options, increasing the pressure to 'get it right'

- that the place is pricey so hopes she isn't disappointed this won't be ongoing

- *** of making a 'move' too soon, or in not making a move if that is seen as being disinterested (I feel this one so much in general)

----

so men get a lot of dating anxiety which is all relevant.   sometimes I think men push for early meets to mitigate "other options" a kinda "get there first" similar to the mindset of those who sit refreshing waiting for new members on a site, not realising how creepy that actually is.

by contrast... 

while women share some of the same anxieties above (they tend to be more forgiving to 'does not look like photos' but instead of an anxiety more of 'do I look like my pictures') - they also have in

- They will cross my boundaries

which can be anything from drink spiking, intrusiveness, following home, threatening behaviour, consensually going home together and then not stopping if mind is changed, stealthing, so on.

and so mitigation for that becomes a military exercise. Telling friends where they're going, who with, having a 'safe out', so on 

and the best men can sometimes offer is "But I am safe, do not let one asshole ruin things for you" - which, is exactly what the LAST asshole said. 

yes Yes YES to ALL of this! 

Trigger warning ⚠️ 

I recently went on a date. We got on well. At the end of the date, still at the venue, we kissed. He got handsy, and when I asked him to stop, he didn't. I made my excuses to leave, and got into my car, locking the doors. Then I stayed sitting there for an hour.

Do you know why? One, because I was taking pictures of the scratches I'd been left with. Two, shock. And three, I was scared he would follow me home. 

These are not sweeping, generalised statements, or provocative posts for fun. These are people's experiences.

Shared to help those that don't behave that way (whatever gender), realise, notice and take action if needed, to help reduce the amount of incidents that occur.

[Go****]

2 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Of course! I took it out of the freezer last night so should be about defrosted now 🥰

Uhmm...soooo....cold soup then? 😆😘

[FETMOD-KF]

this shouldn't need repeating but I made a note yesterday and to repeat it again

due to the nature of this thread this is one we are watching closely

personal attacks, victim blame-esque comments, or flat out denial these things happen to women at all - no place.   We've removed far too many comments from people who should know better since the last warning on this thread.  

Please. Keep a lid and keep it civil.  

[Deleted Member]

On 7/9/2022 at 9:54 AM, FETMOD-KF said:

just a brief note

obviously disagreements are natural and understandable

but - personal attacks, insults, including victim-blaming suggestions and word-play based on people's usernames so on - there's no place for that here.  

I'm not going to edit or remove posts that have been made already (and action has been taken where appropriate) but - no more.  Keep disagreements civil, please.

@FETMOD-KFI don't think it should really need clarified but this seems to be where we are and the expectation where we are now.. Im truly sad I'm even feeling the need to clarify this. Is there going to be any moderation on the mass volume culture of these types of targeted topic thread posts we are continually seeing created? That is the moderation question that has not been answered yet.

[PJ****]

18 minutes ago, FETMOD-KF said:

this shouldn't need repeating but I made a note yesterday and to repeat it again

due to the nature of this thread this is one we are watching closely

personal attacks, victim blame-esque comments, or flat out denial these things happen to women at all - no place.   We've removed far too many comments from people who should know better since the last warning on this thread.  

Please. Keep a lid and keep it civil.  

When you're getting your posts removed by mods you really gotta wonder if you're on the right side of the argument 🤔 just a thought 😁

[Deleted Member]

My above post does not apply now as it was on response to someone post that had been removed, and my own post above has been edited (not by myself) and is out of context.

I'm sad to see meanings being assumed to people comments. This is my last comment and I will no longer comment on this 1 sided discussion or give it any further oxygen it frankly does not deserve. I will avoid these regular topic posts from here, it's highly upsetting to witness.

[FETMOD-KF]

2 minutes ago, Shirt-n-Tie-Boy said:

Is there going to be any moderation on the mass volume culture of these types of targeted topic thread posts we are continually seeing created? That is the moderation question that has not been answered yet.

Every new thread goes to moderation.  There are an awful lot we decline every day for a number of reasons which could include being hateful, inflammatory, or duplicate topics

There are some threads recently which seem similar but could be viewed as being materialistically different.  

As well as there being topics which might be "I got some messages from an asshole - guys, this is what we put up with, guys, please do better" we also have approved a number of topics on things like men being frustrated when someone no longer replies, or hits "no thanks" or doesn't reply in the first place or was a scammer or wouldn't meet or wouldn't "verify" (despite having a profile verified with the site) and other frustrations that men have to whatever level of justification.

Obviously we do want to keep a balance and do not wish for anything to be unnecessarily excessive.  This is something we are monitoring on an ongoing basis.  

We don't want to see threads descend into arguments but then also do not want to decline otherwise OK posts because someone might take them the wrong way.  So then, of course, we step in and moderate if things become unnecessarily argumentative, circular or getting too far off topic.  

 

[Go****]

2 hours ago, PJ3000 said:

I should mention that I really really like cheesecake too 😶 with tea.. just sayin

I did already dibs half of the lemon marscapone but the new york may be available...

[Sa****]

53 minutes ago, FETMOD-KF said:

Every new thread goes to moderation.  There are an awful lot we decline every day for a number of reasons which could include being hateful, inflammatory, or duplicate topics

There are some threads recently which seem similar but could be viewed as being materialistically different.  

As well as there being topics which might be "I got some messages from an asshole - guys, this is what we put up with, guys, please do better" we also have approved a number of topics on things like men being frustrated when someone no longer replies, or hits "no thanks" or doesn't reply in the first place or was a scammer or wouldn't meet or wouldn't "verify" (despite having a profile verified with the site) and other frustrations that men have to whatever level of justification.

Obviously we do want to keep a balance and do not wish for anything to be unnecessarily excessive.  This is something we are monitoring on an ongoing basis.  

We don't want to see threads descend into arguments but then also do not want to decline otherwise OK posts because someone might take them the wrong way.  So then, of course, we step in and moderate if things become unnecessarily argumentative, circular or getting too far off topic.  

 

Didn’t see the warning and I just replied to someone’s comment that got deleted. Sorry

[CopperKnob]

*** culture =
victim blaming, slut-shaming, sexual objectification, trivializing ***, denial of widespread ***, refusing to acknowledge the harm caused by sexual ***, or some combination of these.
.
Just as an FYI to those who think it's a 'made up' phrase and doesn't exist
.
I don't know about others but I'm quite certain that some of the above were seen in the comments section of this post, some of which have had to be removed

[CopperKnob]

3 hours ago, PJ3000 said:

I should mention that I really really like cheesecake too 😶 with tea.. just sayin

At this point it may be easier for you to list the puddings you don't like 🤣

[PJ****]

2 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

At this point it may be easier for you to list the puddings you don't like 🤣

Oh that is indeed easy... 0 😶😂😂 my life aim is to become a human size donut that needs to be rolled in sugar glaze to be kept happy... mmmm sugar glaze 🤤

[PJ****]

55 minutes ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

I did already dibs half of the lemon marscapone but the new york may be available...

Spbovabitch!! I love a lemon cheesecake!!😂

[FETMOD-KF]

9 minutes ago, Sara-Secrets said:

Didn’t see the warning and I just replied to someone’s comment that got deleted. Sorry

don't worry about it - there were a few comments got removed that were only removed because they referenced a deleted post