Xx**** Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 How do new Doms learn their craft well when Subs look for experienced Doms?
TheBookCollector Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 Part of it was instinct, part an experienced sub and part reading/chatting with people in person.
Lord_Talion Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 By watching what others do and have done, then considering what's best for them
ey**** Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 I'm not sure why a sub wanting experienced Dominants is any form of a barrier to a Dominant getting experience. First off - there is a lot of reading material on the web, all for free, which will help enhance your knowledge and can get a lot of perspectives from other Dominants and submissives. Obviously, of course, this is no substitute for hands on learning - best advice is to get involved in a local kink community. Meet friends (as in friends, not people you want to play with) subs, Dominants, everyone else. Attend workshops and dungeon events. Many will have opportunity for hands on learning. There are some bits and tricks where you can learn to practice things at home without a partner (probably safer to cane a cushion if you've never caned before, than someone's backside...) and as you make friends there'll be folk who are willing to help out, show you things, or set up some form of play in a safe environment. There is of course every chance on this route where, despite not being a finished product, there are others see a potential in you and things can grow from there.
Pl**** Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 In addition to research, networking, workshops, etc that others have mentioned, it's also possible to gain experience by gradually progressing from more vanilla relationships. All of my relationships started out vanilla and slowly gravitated to me being dominant. Because there are a number of potential pitfalls in kink relationships, there's a lot of benefit to not jumping into the deep end right away.
Bl**** Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 You are inexperienced not "new." You need to find a Dom/Domme who will train you as their sub. You cannot understand what a sub does or endures until you have been trained. Please don't call yourself "new." You're inexperienced. Once you train under a Dom/Domme, find your sub.
LO**** Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 In my opinion being Dom is a personality trait just like being a sub is one. Of course over time a Dom will refine his personality into becoming a real Master. Studying classics of Dom literature was my way in. The Story of O and Justine by Sade among many which inspired me immensely. Followed by practical real life experience. Working in a hostile environment in clinical psychiatry and prison setting taught me how to dominate strong willed hostile individuals. Gaining control over volatile situations without recourse to any ***. Using full *** of personality and learned skills to make myself obeyed respected. This easily translates into real valuable useful experience when transferred to Dom/sub play outside a work environment.
Xx**** Posted July 11, 2022 Author Posted July 11, 2022 Thank you all for the great advice, I will definitely be connecting more in my local kink community as I also self study.
Deleted Member Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 Try being a sub. I make a great domme because a) I read the books - they are often short digestible reads so no excuse b) I have served my time as a sub. There is nothing I do to my subs that I haven't experienced I know what I'm doing because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end. I know the *** of anal fissures from careless sex. I know how it feels to give trust and for it to be ***d. When someone wanted impact play I made them flog and whip me first. Experience it first. Then you will have a respect for what your subs ask of you, and a deeper understanding of what you are doing to them. If every dom could talk what they give out the world would be a better place.
Ha**** Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 I did a fuck ton of reading on peoples Psych and how it connects to kink. I experimented on myself what my partner desires. And fully immerse myself in sub-Space. Then I’m ready to Dom. Then all it takes is clear communication and a setup of boundaries and relationship dynamics
br**** Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 I found that having a partner and exploring together was a good way to learn
Xx**** Posted July 11, 2022 Author Posted July 11, 2022 1 hour ago, swphoenix said: Try being a sub. I make a great domme because a) I read the books - they are often short digestible reads so no excuse b) I have served my time as a sub. There is nothing I do to my subs that I haven't experienced I know what I'm doing because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end. I know the *** of anal fissures from careless sex. I know how it feels to give trust and for it to be ***d. When someone wanted impact play I made them flog and whip me first. Experience it first. Then you will have a respect for what your subs ask of you, and a deeper understanding of what you are doing to them. If every dom could talk what they give out the world would be a better place. That makes a lot of sense and thank you for your insight. I'll have to work on that to understand more and come from a place of understanding in my play
TheBookCollector Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 1 hour ago, swphoenix said: Try being a sub. I make a great domme because a) I read the books - they are often short digestible reads so no excuse b) I have served my time as a sub. There is nothing I do to my subs that I haven't experienced I know what I'm doing because I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end. I know the *** of anal fissures from careless sex. I know how it feels to give trust and for it to be ***d. When someone wanted impact play I made them flog and whip me first. Experience it first. Then you will have a respect for what your subs ask of you, and a deeper understanding of what you are doing to them. If every dom could talk what they give out the world would be a better place. I think your suggestion to be a sub.is somewhat misguided and while you learnt what you learnt not every one will or can. That doesnt stop them being a good or better dominant. I personally could never be submissive, people have tried and failed to dominate me through out life, but i always followed my own path.
Deleted Member Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 46 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said: I think your suggestion to be a sub.is somewhat misguided and while you learnt what you learnt not every one will or can. That doesnt stop them being a good or better dominant. I personally could never be submissive, people have tried and failed to dominate me through out life, but i always followed my own path. Well that's the main thing, if we all follow our own direction then all good, there is more than one way to skin a rabbit 😋
Bl**** Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 A person wanting to be a Dom needs to train with a Dom/Domme. You just can't go put there and say, "HI! I'm a Dom." You have to learn how to read your partner, you need to experience what subs do because how do you know if it is something likeable or how much. How hard you use a flogger. You need to have it used on you and the cane too. Doms say "We'll never give you what you can't handle🙄 If the person has no training or a comfortable bunch of BDSM friends you can talk with. Run
ey**** Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 I get two minds on the idea of 'start as a sub' I don't hate the idea; but I don't think it works for everyone and while it might tell you what certain implements or play or sensation feels like - it lacks a certain psyche. It doesn't help you understand why submissives would want to do this. If you know what it's like, but don't get anything out of it - it doesn't help you understand what the submissives get out of it and just sometimes has this situation where someone is (say) caned because they're learning to be a Dominant and so then they will cane someone thinking they have to cane subs - when they're neither enjoying caning, being caned and the other person is being caned because they think they have to be - and it's a weird circle. The other kinda issue as well as that there are not automatic opportunities available to someone who wishes to try - and some of these opportunities aren't necessarily the best. Certainly I think anyone partaking in their local community can get 'play' or opportunities via making friends and being involved. But I think a guy saying "I want to try being a sub to someone so I can be a Dominant" is going to get a lot of crickets (I mean, strangers on the internet) and a lady saying similar is probably going to get a lot of unsuitable offers
Th**** Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 I think one of the most important things to know is that the craft starts in the mind, not the bedroom. Know your partner before you ever even touch them. Learn how they think, have intelligent conversations with them. Conversations that have nothing to do with kink. Learn what makes them feel safe. That's the key. Your partner will never fully trust you if they don't feel 100% safe. In my experience kink is about so much more than sex. Sure that part is fun and all but it's so much better when both parties really know each other deep down.
Xx**** Posted July 11, 2022 Author Posted July 11, 2022 Blackbird, blacksheep, you both bring up very valid points and perspectives on the idea
TheBookCollector Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 28 minutes ago, Blackbird22 said: A person wanting to be a Dom needs to train with a Dom/Domme. You just can't go put there and say, "HI! I'm a Dom." You have to learn how to read your partner, you need to experience what subs do because how do you know if it is something likeable or how much. How hard you use a flogger. You need to have it used on you and the cane too. Doms say "We'll never give you what you can't handle🙄 If the person has no training or a comfortable bunch of BDSM friends you can talk with. Run Why do i need to learn what caning feels like to understand what someone gets out of it if i get nothing out of it? That is the disconnect with "to be a dom you have to be a sub first" mantra. Its like stating you can only work with under privleged kids if you are from that back ground.
Deleted Member Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 54 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: I get two minds on the idea of 'start as a sub' I don't hate the idea; but I don't think it works for everyone and while it might tell you what certain implements or play or sensation feels like - it lacks a certain psyche. It doesn't help you understand why submissives would want to do this. If you know what it's like, but don't get anything out of it - it doesn't help you understand what the submissives get out of it and just sometimes has this situation where someone is (say) caned because they're learning to be a Dominant and so then they will cane someone thinking they have to cane subs - when they're neither enjoying caning, being caned and the other person is being caned because they think they have to be - and it's a weird circle. The other kinda issue as well as that there are not automatic opportunities available to someone who wishes to try - and some of these opportunities aren't necessarily the best. Certainly I think anyone partaking in their local community can get 'play' or opportunities via making friends and being involved. But I think a guy saying "I want to try being a sub to someone so I can be a Dominant" is going to get a lot of crickets (I mean, strangers on the internet) and a lady saying similar is probably going to get a lot of unsuitable offers Yeah actually this is all true. I suppose it helped me but that's just my experience. I think deep down we are all capable of both, but have a preference based on experiences, life stages and opportunities. And as a woman being a sub was just doing the vanilla social order. In fact I maintain I'm still a vanilla bunny although increasingly no one is buying that 🤣 but yes the topping and bottoms books were excellent in providing me with knowledge and if I could ever get to an event it would be amazing... all these ways are good.
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