A post in which Char overshares

[Deleted Member]

I'm a cerebral person. I'm also quite an anxious person and I prefer control because an environment I control is a safe one.

A reason I like to sub is that it's a chance to relinquish control and just be. Exist and feel. What I really struggle with, is coming out of my head. I feel at times there's a disconnect between my mind and my body. When I am face to face with someone, I feel not safe and so even subbing, I retreat to control in my mind to protect myself. I would really like not to do this, because what I'm doing is submitting in body only, and without my mind, I can't really connect with my sexual desire.

I made very small steps forward recently, but after a lifetime of feeling slightly out of step with the intimacy that seems so easy for most people, I'm looking for ideas on how to get around my anxiety, shyness and *** of vulnerability that stops me from mentally opening with someone in person, face to face, skin to skin.

[Silken_Tears]

This is a brave post. I hope you get good replies. I'll be reading myself to see what's said 🤣

Edited July 14, 2022 by Silken_Tears
Typo

[Deleted Member]

Well crap, I posted this in the wrong place 🤦‍♀️

[x-****]

I’m proud of you, Char. Posting this shows growth, bravo!
💙💎

[Bo****]

HI Char! I can so relate to physically submitting in the face of anxiety 🙈
I cought Covid a month or two ago and had an intreresting experience. It was just a very bad fever for a few of days so my spirits were high but I was exhausted and out of it. But I felt a complete lack of anxiety. Like, during that time, the world had given me a break from being in it - in my head, as much as physically. I felt completely off the hook.
I don't know how I can tie that back into your post, but reading it made the connection in my mind.
xx

[Charms]

In real life I'm so shy an suffer realy bad anxiety.

My 1st time at bbb I had to take diazapam on top of my anxiety meds. But I realy wanted to go. Master came with me. I'd never of gone alone. It was a realy great time though. Iv made some great freinds on here. 

 

When it comes to dating I am no good I never know if any person is interested in me at all.

 

Master an I were fwb an 1 day he told me he didn't want to be fwb any more. So I got upset but didn't tell Master anything.  Told him I'd always be there if he needed a freind or someone to talk to. He said no I want to date you.

 

Behind a screen I'm brave but in real life I have no confidence 

[Deleted Member]

I agree with others,  this is a very courageous step to be open about your vulnerabilities and desire to move forward.   

My instant thought was meditation... releasing your thoughts and mind to the words and music of a guided meditation.  

You'll have to practice, daily,  start small,  maybe 10 mins and work your way up to an hour.  It's not easy but you will find a developing ability to relinquish that control over your thoughts and learn to be.  As you develop this skill in yourself you'll be able to use it to release yourself into interaction with others and in time scenes where you'll be able to release yourself into places you want to be... those floaty other worldly places 

🔥🧙‍♀️🔥

[Ch****]

I think I have a basic understanding of what you're saying. The major takeaways here seem to be 1."a lifetime of feeling out of step with the intimacy..." which implies that it will take a while to undo what you've built for a very long time...make sure you give yourself a lot of slack when it doesn't feel like you're changing/growing fast enough. Be good to yourself in this regard. The second is to make sure that the eradication of anxiety/*** and even shyness is not the end goal. Anxiety keeps you focused, aware, and maybe even alive. If you've been bitten by a lot of dogs, it's not unusual to be wary of dogs or worse...this fades when you've been exposed to a lot of non-biting dogs, and long enough to trust them. To extend the metaphor...is the problem your anxiety or that dogs can bite? The answer may be both, but to say the latter might be more fair. So your question might be rephrased as "how do I trust more easily?" And I recognize how difficult it would be for me to give that advice because I'm a dog. How quickly people trust me variesand taking shortcuts is a bit of a risk. In fantasy I'd love for that trust to be present immediately, but for bdsm play I just find that it really shouldn't be...there's too much actual risk, too much I'm responsible for, to it not to be a bit off putting if too much trust is immediate. Physical *** is often less scary than mental ***, and takes less time to recover from. All that said, maybe what you're questioning is whether the holes in the net you use to catch people are too big, and the ones that might be worthy of trying to build trust with are slipping out of the net?
For those wondering what I'm trying to say...perhaps don't be so quick to self-judge if you are...your anxiety might be a saving grace. Others that "find it so easy" may not be in actuality, and perhaps not finding the trust and depth needed for the fantasies you have. There are dogs out there that don't bite (in a bad way, that is) but they can be hard to find. Even then it's a leap of faith to be more certain....total certainty and safety is a not that realistic. Hopefully you'll then be able to get the mental engagement you crave. Good luck in your journey.
(For the record...dog-lover. Apologies to any dogs or people offended by anything in this post)

[lolli-leigh]

1 hour ago, ChromeDom said:

I think I have a basic understanding of what you're saying. The major takeaways here seem to be 1."a lifetime of feeling out of step with the intimacy..." which implies that it will take a while to undo what you've built for a very long time...make sure you give yourself a lot of slack when it doesn't feel like you're changing/growing fast enough. Be good to yourself in this regard. The second is to make sure that the eradication of anxiety/*** and even shyness is not the end goal. Anxiety keeps you focused, aware, and maybe even alive. If you've been bitten by a lot of dogs, it's not unusual to be wary of dogs or worse...this fades when you've been exposed to a lot of non-biting dogs, and long enough to trust them. To extend the metaphor...is the problem your anxiety or that dogs can bite? The answer may be both, but to say the latter might be more fair. So your question might be rephrased as "how do I trust more easily?" And I recognize how difficult it would be for me to give that advice because I'm a dog. How quickly people trust me variesand taking shortcuts is a bit of a risk. In fantasy I'd love for that trust to be present immediately, but for bdsm play I just find that it really shouldn't be...there's too much actual risk, too much I'm responsible for, to it not to be a bit off putting if too much trust is immediate. Physical *** is often less scary than mental ***, and takes less time to recover from. All that said, maybe what you're questioning is whether the holes in the net you use to catch people are too big, and the ones that might be worthy of trying to build trust with are slipping out of the net?
For those wondering what I'm trying to say...perhaps don't be so quick to self-judge if you are...your anxiety might be a saving grace. Others that "find it so easy" may not be in actuality, and perhaps not finding the trust and depth needed for the fantasies you have. There are dogs out there that don't bite (in a bad way, that is) but they can be hard to find. Even then it's a leap of faith to be more certain....total certainty and safety is a not that realistic. Hopefully you'll then be able to get the mental engagement you crave. Good luck in your journey.
(For the record...dog-lover. Apologies to any dogs or people offended by anything in this post)

I think you discribed it perfectly, I was going to add but there is no need. My own journey is very similar @Lady_Char, sending love and hugs x 

[Deleted Member]

Hello - thank you for your honest and courageous post. I had a similar experience for much of my life - I called it ‘non-embodied sex’. It was ***ful, thin and I craved to be fully present with the other. I am a Dom so my experience may not be the same as yours but it stemmed from a traumatic experience as a child. I just happened to need to be in control during sex. For me, the path of embodiment was about starting with myself. I needed to be more and more in touch with myself. There is a very specific technique I used called ‘inner sensing’. It’s like meditation but is about sitting with yourself and fully experiencing whatever is happening within. You don’t push away or reject anything or judge what’s happening. Of course this is impossible at the start but practicing over and over has allowed me to feel everything now, to experience the richness of life. I still enjoy being dominant but I can now be fully present to the other, to the extent that I can feel what they feel. The more you discover your self, the more your can share your self with others. And …. This doesn’t negate the very real fact that you will need to have someone you feel safe and trust to open to. Flowers need a nurturing environment to grow. Your seeds seem like they are ready to burst. I wish you well. If you’d like any more info on the sensing exercise just PM me x

[Deleted Member]

I hope it works out! Not about intimacy specifically, but I don't quite share the same emotions, triggers or drives of most people which often makes relationships more difficult to form. I like to do things instead of talk to people but lately I have been more social on purpose.

I think you have to make good judgements on the relationships you form but sadly relationships are always risky - at some point you just need to trust and see what happens.  

Edited July 15, 2022 by Deleted Member

[Th****]

This is a very brave post charli, and a step forward. I live in a controlled environment, I have too, there are facets of me that are not public. knowing that your control keeps you in a safe place is very hard to relinquish, but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel or you wouldn't have recognised your feelings. To lose yourself in another is a scary prospect, and should that person not reciprocate can be the risk you have to take. so what's the answer, who really knows, we could analyse it with therapy sessions , but it doesn't prevent it from happening. your control is your defence mechanism, and as a relationship with another grows, you will become les and less controlled in your mind and begin to just let go. So what am I saying, tighten your net and enjoy the risks, cast it wide, you can always throw the small fish back in the pond. 

[BigPolly]

I love this post, it’s brave, honest but also somewhat relatable.

I had been a Domme since I was 17/18 which allowed me control of myself & most situations & in return I found it incredibly thrilling & boosted my confidence. 
when I was 40 someone suggest I tried subbing for them, the thought was beyond anything I’d ever considered & although I was adamant it wasn’t ‘Me’ I agreed to give it a go to experience the other side.

As soon as I tried it, I absolutely loved it, it was, for me far more sexual than being a Domme & the power I held by simply agreeing or not agreeing was as incredible HOWEVER Having been a Domme for so many years mixed with my intense anxiety meant I was struggling to truly submit so my answer to this was to carry on being a sub completely on my terms. My terms meant I chose how I played & for me that always meant, going to someone I barely knew, playing, getting dressed & leaving. No commitment, no one taking care of my after-care that was ‘my job’, no personal small talk & I left when I was done so that I didn’t have to see them again! 
This was incredibly thrilling but also stupidly dangerous & in reality I probably didn’t have control, I was probably so out of control I was walking a dangerous line. 
Until I met the beauty I’m with now. I made it clear from the start how I played etc & I didn’t want commitment etc. But I went to his (stupidly nervous) & he was so incredibly lovely (as well as stern) I let my self go completely. When I went into sub space I let him hold me, I allowed him to care for me, get me chocolate & a drink & once we finished I didn’t leave as planned, we hugged! Something that is totally unheard of for me.

It felt different & allowing someone to get slightly through my wall felt ok & with that came confidence & less anxiety, it was quite bizarre. I’m still here with him 9mths on & although I still get anxious it’s now sexual anxiety that he rouses in me.

So for me personally (& I know we’re all different) it was simply down to playing with ‘the right person’. I appreciate this isn’t so easy to find in our circles but also I found ‘talking’ helped. Not discussing sex or kinks but proper talking & laughing. There is so much laughter between us even sometimes during play & I feel that helps us overcome any anxieties.

Don’t let those anxiety demons beat you, we’re all wonderfully different but that’s what makes us all AMAZING! 
 

[Dy****]

Big courage Char, I'm proud of you.

[Sa****]

Char this is actually a really good post. Anxiety and vulnerability is something I think most of us fight with. We spend so much time thinking, am I doing this right, do I sound funny or to loud, are they enjoying it, then even the ugly stuff goes though our head and we lose the connection with the intimacy side. I tell people all the time complete submission is body and mind. As a Domestic *** survivor I can tell you that I had to go back to the basic. I felt I had to control everything around me but I knew deep down I hated it.Get to know someone and trust them with the body first cause that’s the easiest part to be honest. Communication during sex help keeps your mind at the present. Speak up about what you like it could be just one thing to start with. For me it was like retraining my mind. A mantra going through my mind he is safe and can let myself feel. It’s not easy to let it all go but once you do it’s so freeing. It takes time and you can’t rush it and you will have to learn that it’s ok to be a little selfish at times.

[Th****]

Just for the record Sara you're doing it right 😏