Deleted Member Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 I spent weeks talking and getting to know a new Dom. Fairly new to all of this especially in the online app world. After conversation about many different things the day came for us to meet and play. Let me add that at no point did the conversation of group play ever come up during these conversations. The day came and I drove two hours to meet up. I continually expressed how nervous I was. We had a drink to relax and talk a little more about our expectations and boundaries not just for this day but in general. During this conversation he casually mentioned playing with girls too. I do like girls so I didn’t shy away from the idea but I also added a disclaimer that it would have to be the right girl. In no way did it seem like it was going to happen that night. Fast forward to play time and everything’s going great until the middle when I’m blindfolded and suddenly Out of the bottom of the blindfold I notice we are not alone. There was another woman half naked and in a submissive position. Immediately my energy shifted and I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. On the two hour drive home I tried to digest the situation and analyze my strong reaction. I feel like I was getting comfortable with this Dom. We were learning each other and building trust. I was giving myself to him in my *** state. And when he invited a complete stranger into my most intimate moments without me even being aware.. it felt almost like a betrayal of my trust. I know in the future this is a boundary that I need to express, that if we are going to invite others into playtime we will need to be on the same page and not have it be a surprise. I realize my feelings and reactions are valid but I am interested to hear opinions of others on this.
MasterRaven Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 He should never have betrayed your trust like that especially on the first meeting that was way wrong to do that especially not discussing it with you I would drop him in a heartbeat because if he does this now what else is he going to do to betray your trust
BigPolly Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 (edited) 44 minutes ago, sweetness2022xx said: I was giving myself to him in my *** state. And when he invited a complete stranger into my most intimate moments without me even being aware.. it felt almost like a betrayal of my trust. This paragraph says everything! That is a horrid breach of trust!! It doesn’t matter whether he invited a male, female or his bloomin dog into the room, it wasn’t agreed by both parties & should NEVER have happened let alone on your first play time together! That isn’t BDSM, that is pure ***. Not physical abusive but abusing your trust like that is still ***. You haven’t overreacted & please don’t feel like you’re alone. We all come across abusive dicks but please don’t let this put you off. Well done for getting out of there. Edited July 16, 2022 by BigPolly
Deleted Member Posted July 16, 2022 Author Posted July 16, 2022 Correction the conversation did come up early on when he asked if I’d ever had a threesome. But it was a quick one question conversation about it
Fa**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 it was weird and u were right to feel that way. That's a big red flag. He might *** u to explore
ge**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 You didn't and aren't over-reacting in the slightest and did exactly the right thing - doesn't matter whether it was another person or anything else that hadn't been discussed beforehand, he introduced something that had not been agreed and that is a breach of both trust and your limits - particularly so on a first meet. . And for the lady to be there in that time it most likely has to have been pre-planned too, which just makes it worse. . Just because you are a submissive and have handed over control does *not* mean a dominant can just do as they please without your prior agreement and seems in this instance that's exactly what this guy did. . Has he offered any explanation since or even apologised? If not, then yet more confirmation that you did the right thing.
Cr**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 Seems like a simple lack of communication and a bit of high expectations associated based off the level at which you two were. The dom should have made clear that he had more than you as a sub. However, he also should have asked before bringing a stranger (stranger to you) into the mix. Overall I'd give this encounter a 5 out of 10. Could have been great for everyone involved but also should have been discussed beforehand.
Deleted Member Posted July 16, 2022 Author Posted July 16, 2022 It would be inappropriate in many social situations to invite a surprise guest and especially in these circumstances. However given you touched off those circumstances in your comms, are you absolutely sure your responses could not have been misinterpreted as a green light to have had another person present at his discretion? I sometimes find that folks can sometimes be blasé and too open ranging in their responses ("anything goes") when they are actually a lot less open in reality
Deleted Member Posted July 16, 2022 Author Posted July 16, 2022 8 minutes ago, gemini_man said: You didn't and aren't over-reacting in the slightest and did exactly the right thing - doesn't matter whether it was another person or anything else that hadn't been discussed beforehand, he introduced something that had not been agreed and that is a breach of both trust and your limits - particularly so on a first meet. . And for the lady to be there in that time it most likely has to have been pre-planned too, which just makes it worse. . Just because you are a submissive and have handed over control does *not* mean a dominant can just do as they please without your prior agreement and seems in this instance that's exactly what this guy did. . Has he offered any explanation since or even apologised? If not, then yet more confirmation that you did the right thing. Yes he was very apologetic immediately. I don’t believe his intentions were to cross boundaries.
ny**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 You consented to meet and play with him. You did not consent to play with him and another sub. It’s much more than a “lack of communication” especially on a first meeting.
ge**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 15 minutes ago, Creampie201 said: Seems like a simple lack of communication and a bit of high expectations associated based off the level at which you two were. The dom should have made clear that he had more than you as a sub. However, he also should have asked before bringing a stranger (stranger to you) into the mix. Overall I'd give this encounter a 5 out of 10. Could have been great for everyone involved but also should have been discussed beforehand. I'd say it was a heck of a lot more than a "simple" lack of communication which almost dismisses it as an oversight on his part - it has to have been pre-meditated for the third person to even be there and yet this guy still didn't think to mention it!! . *ALL* the blame here, based on what we know, lies at the feet of the dominant and absolutely none with the OP. . And sorry, but rating the experience? Not really necessary and if it were surely that's for the OP to do, and I daresay it wouldn't be a 5!!
Br**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 I am very new to this and still finding out what my kink is. I also like to play with girls but like you it has to be the right girl, so to have another person thrown into the mix without your concert or even without an introduction is very rude and disrespectful, and very damaging for trusting your next playmate. I personally feel like you, (unknowingly) may have been part of their game. Personally if this happen to me I would make sure that the first play venue is on mutual ground! In fact I think i will make this a rule. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Tr**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 Your feelings and limits are valid and if you wanted to get the f**k out, if your senses told you at all to leave, then I’m glad you did. Being able to say no when you are in a corner like that is huge. So be proud of yourself for that. I think it was kinda harsh and irresponsible for that person to put you in any position that would make you uncomfy. First meet? New to the scene? Yeah let’s be completely honest about everything up front so we can actually consent. You didn’t overreact in my opinion.
Deleted Member Posted July 16, 2022 Author Posted July 16, 2022 12 minutes ago, Toronto-DaddyDom said: It would be inappropriate in many social situations to invite a surprise guest and especially in these circumstances. However given you touched off those circumstances in your comms, are you absolutely sure your responses could not have been misinterpreted as a green light to have had another person present at his discretion? I sometimes find that folks can sometimes be blasé and too open ranging in their responses ("anything goes") when they are actually a lot less open in reality Well as I stated I am newer in this arena. Maybe it was misinterpreted or he heard what he wanted. I’m not saying his intentions were bad and this isn’t to bash anyone. I am just trying to learn and discuss in hopes of gaining more knowledge and understanding
Ray3652 Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 That is 100%. Betrayal. And I think it was not only a push on boundaries it was breaking of concent. Because he did not ask you directly "while blindfolded are you ok with me bringing another sub in" I would have reacted very strongly as well, and would have felt as if my life was in danger in the moment because you don't know that sub. You can't know they are a safe person. And with that break of concent I wouldn't consider that Dom safe either
Deleted Member Posted July 16, 2022 Author Posted July 16, 2022 18 minutes ago, gemini_man said: You didn't and aren't over-reacting in the slightest and did exactly the right thing - doesn't matter whether it was another person or anything else that hadn't been discussed beforehand, he introduced something that had not been agreed and that is a breach of both trust and your limits - particularly so on a first meet. . And for the lady to be there in that time it most likely has to have been pre-planned too, which just makes it worse. . Just because you are a submissive and have handed over control does *not* mean a dominant can just do as they please without your prior agreement and seems in this instance that's exactly what this guy did. . Has he offered any explanation since or even apologised? If not, then yet more confirmation that you did the right thing. It did seem preplanned and I was the only one not in on the plan. I think that is part of my problem
ge**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 11 minutes ago, sweetness2022xx said: Yes he was very apologetic immediately. I don’t believe his intentions were to cross boundaries. Well that's at least something - however it still doesn't make it right either, the trust has been broken. . Hopefully he'll learn from it himself and not make the same mistake again, which doesn't help you I know.
Deleted Member Posted July 16, 2022 Author Posted July 16, 2022 I’ve heard of this happening to other girls. Dude was a complete slimeball. Manipulated & planned it from the start. This is a huge wrong doing & idiots like this ruin it for women going forward. It’s sickening that he spent all that time building trust with ulterior motives the entire time.
Catsailor69 Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 Incredible! That’s my experienced first reaction as a Dom. In no way do I see you overreacting. You did exactly what you needed to do. It doesn’t matter, in my humble opinion, whether it was ever mentioned or not. Introducing a third is something that is fun and can be a great experience. That being said, respect, trust and communication, bedrocks of this lifestyle were not (again my humble opinion and beliefs) observed. Honesty has many things about it. I’ve always said and believe that one’s actions speak louder than words. I hope that you are alright and though maybe shaken, you know that not everyone is going to do what has happened. As some have said, it is a *** of you. It’s most unfortunate that it happens. I would seriously give consideration for yourself first before you engage with them again.
Lo**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 As a dom that has had multiple subs at the same time I have always been honest about it. I made sure that any potential sub knew up front and always made sure that my current sub(s) knew that I was discussing the potential of having a new member. If any of my current subs objected and / or the potential sub hesitated we would not move forward. A D/S dynamic is built on consent and trust. If you are in the vetting process and either the dom or sub or both are not completely honest about their intentions there can be no trust in the dynamic. Never doubt yourself and your instincts if you are put into a situation that you did not agree to. Nothing is to ever be done in a dynamic without consent from all parties involved. Not telling you up front implies that there are other red flags you should certainly be wary of as well. If any party in the dynamic chooses not to be completely honest about their intentions and desires up front (during the vetting process) then they should be avoided. That does not imply that you will not want to explore more things as you become more familiar with the other(s). It does however require a full discussion before moving forward and making sure that all parties wish to do so without being coerced. I hope this helps.
GL**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 This is an obvious *** of power. You were totally right feeling the way you did. Especially on the first meet and you drove two hours! How selfish of him to do that! Makes me cringe thinking about it. I have 2 subs currently. One I have been with for awhile and another I just met that I haven’t been with yet. Both know of each other but haven’t met. I would never have the first time with the new sub be shared with the other. I do plan on having playtimes together in the future with both and have discussed that with them. Your trust was definitely broken and your time wasn’t valued in my opinion. I wouldn’t mind discussing the experience with you. I have a few questions myself about it. Feel free to dm me if you feel like chatting in more depth.
Ro**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 I can say in all my encounters i never assumed someone would be agreeable to do anything Erotic in front of others without discussing it. Ive brat handled in front of people who werent fully aware what was going on and a few times that was my sub at time going too far with my boundaries and rules; I dont mind if anyone wants someone to see what they enjoy or if they would like me to adjust something to their preference but need a 3rd POV. This wasn’t disused by EITHER of you. Itd be bad enough if it wasnt session zero but i mean… it was. After your 2 hour drive. Again personal reflection i had someone i liked drive over 3 hours. They had the weekend to themselves with me. Minus a unexpected family situation. I rarely turn down play partners as usually they’re an ex or sub helping a friend with less easy to meet needs. Yet i have had issues with one who would actually tell them we discussed it and i agreed. Not saying i was opposed but yes even when it WOULD be fully consensual; having your decision made for you makes that hard to say. This isnt silly, your not “invalid” for having feelings and emotions over this. if you have your reasons im not the person to say you have to make any decision. But please ask yourself, would you have done the same thing to someone else who was trusting you?
Su**** Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 This is wrong although I have only ever done anything with a permanent partner we always agreed on everything before. We never cross boundaries. This is a breach of trust and if it was me I would be asking if they breach that one what others will they break and make it even more uncomfortable. I definitely think you are not over reacting
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