Femdom without findom

[ey****]

1 hour ago, ShortSub said:

It was more like "this much as a one-time tribute" "oh actually I'll need a bit more, last time" "Oh and I'll need more again" and it wasn't for specific things at all, in addition to blowing past the whole one-time tribute thing.

I'm 100% in agreement for such payments and discussions re: toys, clothing, sessions if meeting with a pro domme who works that way, etc, and that's my point.
It becomes explicit and detailed and that's fine, and anything less should be considered either a scammer or just someone who doesn't know what they're doing.

ok - yep - I think we're on the same wave length and these are some flags to avoid

if someone claims to be a Findomme - it will never, ever, be a one-time payment : so claiming it will be should be an instant red flag.

Any form of continued engagement/relationship will require further payments - so that's something where it is important to discuss and set boundaries

it may well be "this is outside my budget" results in "OK, I will give time to other people instead" but the door is ultimately open if someone wants to then interact again.

[yo****]

I'm not out for *** just to be of service for a few hours

[Sh****]

19 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

ok - yep - I think we're on the same wave length and these are some flags to avoid

if someone claims to be a Findomme - it will never, ever, be a one-time payment : so claiming it will be should be an instant red flag.

Any form of continued engagement/relationship will require further payments - so that's something where it is important to discuss and set boundaries

it may well be "this is outside my budget" results in "OK, I will give time to other people instead" but the door is ultimately open if someone wants to then interact again.

Yep, but it's not just that the red flag is the claim of one-time only.
It's the idea of making a specific claim and then not abiding by it.
I was astounded that someone would bother doing that, and nope it wasn't in the sort of teasing manner that would fit a consentual nonconsent scenario

[ey****]

I think one often problem and something I've touched on before

"Findom" often gets used as a catch-all term when it is really just a style of play.  

So a Pro-Domme offering a session for a tribute or fee - this is not Findom, but a lot of guys would refer to it as such

A lady who will talk to someone for so long if he pays for lunch - might be called Findom but it is transactional that he is getting something (her time, even if just online) for the payment

If of course he pays for her lunch and gets somewhat aroused by making her happy and gets little more than a "good boy" back in return that is certainly Findom.  But even if he is not aroused, if he is doing this act for his Dominant and her happiness/wants/needs it's still valid. 

Usually when guys say they don't want to indulge in Findom (although the OP had specified this in the first post) I assume it is about all forms of transactional play.  

Which is fine - and of course in answer to the question there are plenty of ladies who do not engage in this. 

[ey****]

32 minutes ago, ShortSub said:

Yep, but it's not just that the red flag is the claim of one-time only.
It's the idea of making a specific claim and then not abiding by it.
I was astounded that someone would bother doing that, and nope it wasn't in the sort of teasing manner that would fit a consentual nonconsent scenario

absolutely - I agree

though, I don't want to get into whataboutism but this is a general problem in kink in general - there are subs, Dominants, etc of all genders who are guilty of making claims or overpromising and underdelivering - like, every "I'll do anything sub" is guilty of this  

[Pe****]

This goes back to a topic I created a while ago about the amount of male subs that moan about this very topic.

The amount of male subs I’ve had conversations with who just want the endless chats and juicy details without any intentions of meeting or taking things further is absurd.

Once you tell them you won’t give any more specific details of kinks, they just go quiet so it’s as hard for genuine Dommes to find a genuine sub.

[Pe****]

Also, there are male subs that would rather stick with a pro Domme and not be totally fulfilled because they’re frightened of having no Domme at all. Although the person I was chatting to who told me this, I get the feeling he probably wasn’t interested in me but didn’t just want to come out with it and say 😂😂

[ey****]

1 hour ago, kaycie said:

Also, there are male subs that would rather stick with a pro Domme and not be totally fulfilled because they’re frightened of having no Domme at all. Although the person I was chatting to who told me this, I get the feeling he probably wasn’t interested in me but didn’t just want to come out with it and say 😂😂

there is someone on another site who used to see a Pro Domme many years ago - he was happy enough with the arrangement but for one reason or another the arrangement ended - and his current approach (I say current, he's been "searching" for many years!) is that he wants a lady to play with him in similar ways to how she would.   He just doesn't want to pay.

So, what he is looking for is someone he can meet up with regular, for a couple of hours play time, where she will look a certain way, and built around his fetishes.   And, that is it. 

And I know he is not the only guy like this who has either seen Pro Dommes and expects the same type of, shall we say, experience - with others.  Assuming that because they're not Pro and it's in their fetish lists, that they will do it - with him, for free.

Or whose idea is still built on this fantasy.

 

Which does tie in with a common problem I've said before - that what too many men actually seem to want is a Pro Domme, just, not paying for it. 

[fa****]

I had a whole essay typed up before I realized I had to verify again & my comment vanished.. sad day. But a lot of what I had intended to say seems to have been said here already, which I'm happy to see. I understand why findom has been banned across the board, and it's depressing. Findom is my all-time favorite way to dominate subs when it's 100% established as something we BOTH enjoy and want. 100% consensual & ideally, the sub's preferred kink as well, or at least in the top tier. Unfortunately when it became popular on Twitter, it attracted a lot of desperate and unsavory types, unopposed to resorting to cruel and illegal ways of milking "tributes" from unwilling subs. It's abhorrent, to say the least. I hope that one day the FETISH will be re-established as valid and accepted. Which doesn't even touch upon the other conflating issue, of certain subs having obtuse expectations of how much time and energy Dom/mes are willing to put into building a relationship from the ground up for free. Especially one based entirely on the sub's kink(s). It's all mixed up, I blame the surge of misinformation that comes from mainstream attention.

Edited July 22, 2022 by fattedcalf
forgot to finish writing a couple of words, sorry!

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, kaycie said:

This goes back to a topic I created a while ago about the amount of male subs that moan about this very topic.

The amount of male subs I’ve had conversations with who just want the endless chats and juicy details without any intentions of meeting or taking things further is absurd.

Once you tell them you won’t give any more specific details of kinks, they just go quiet so it’s as hard for genuine Dommes to find a genuine sub.

Let me clarify that I’m definitely looking to meet up and understand there’s natural expenses with going out and getting toys as is natural in a relationship it’s the “tributes” that are the issue for me

[ey****]

7 hours ago, subneedstraining said:

Let me clarify that I’m definitely looking to meet up and understand there’s natural expenses with going out and getting toys as is natural in a relationship it’s the “tributes” that are the issue for me

as I say above

there's somewhat of a question mark about guys who *only* find people who ask for tributes - as it usually suggests your approach is off or you are not really vetting who you are messaging : you have sent out a hell of a lot of messages suggesting you are mass messaging people - and as I say, the scammers always reply, the people who offer paid for services assume you want to tribute and the ladies that don't, well, there's clearly something in your approach not appealing to them. 

If you don't wish to tribute, do not tribute.  But, also take the time to learn how to be of interest to the people you're trying to impress.  Don't rush in until you've learnt this. 

[Pe****]

8 hours ago, subneedstraining said:

Let me clarify that I’m definitely looking to meet up and understand there’s natural expenses with going out and getting toys as is natural in a relationship it’s the “tributes” that are the issue for me

Yes, they basically want *** for their time but there are also plenty of subs that it’s just a fantasy for and mess genuine Dommes around

[TG****]

Because the femdoms you speak to are broke and have nothing substantial about themselves other than selling themselves sexually. Plus desperate men who pay willingly so the females expect nothing less from e everyone else.

[Deleted Member]

It’s great to discover a nonPro. There are time wasting “subs” though that don’t want the reality of submitting.
Yes, there are still expenses to share, as you say. Also, from sincere subs like myself, we can red flag just starting in BDSM, like I did. I’ve learnt a lot now from my ProDomme, who is a closely bonded friend of mine. She has taught me a lot on how to Dom and sub.

I would be keen to chat if you are good with that.

[fr****]

Not gonna mention your generalization is lacking. First of all, selling themselves secually ain't nothing bad as you're intrinsically saying (I know your type my dude). Second, you're wrong. If you're mindless searching for "attractive women" on reddit/Twitter/

[fr****]

you're not going to find anything but findom instead. Know where to search and you're good to go.

[fr****]

3rd, findom is most of the time intrinsically connected to fendom if you're searching for *sexual connections* in the first place. If you're in tinder or maybe some fetish network, you may find women that want to have sexual experience and not sex work.