How to know the difference between a true Dom and a fake dom

[Yu****]

I’m kinda struggling with this atm. Idk who’s being genuine and who’s not. What’s some indicators to help?

[Deleted Member]

Yuri, do you mean a female "domme"?

[CopperKnob]

"I am an old school traditional Dom"
There is one twue way and we won't be negotiating.
.
"I only play no limits and no safe words..."
I'll do what I like and only stop when I want to
.
"I have over X years of experience..."
Online
.
"I run my own local BDSM group..."
Because I fell out with all the community leaders locally
.
"Lets chat on (whatever messaging app they prefer)"
Because often those apps don't keep a record of the whole chat so you can't refer back to it. Some will also link to your other socials providing info about you that you haven't intentionally shared.
.
"You don't need to be part of the community and go to munches/events"
Because you'll suddenly realise everything we do together is wrong.
.
"I only speak in all CAPS to submissives on line"
Because that's how I show my authority.
.
"You will call me Sir/Master"
To prove how Dominant I am
.
"I don't use condoms for safe sex or birth control... you must trust me"
I have no concern for your health, my own or for the potential life we'll create together.
.
"I have a preference for young or new to the scene females..."
Because they lack life/kink experience and are typically more pliable so I can easily manipulate them
.
"I am a (insert title here), I am all about protocols, and I have strict ways you will do things and you WILL do them MY way"
.
"I teach classes, so I know things and you should listen to me"
.
"You won't need a safe word, trust me"
I'll decide when you've had enough. It'll be when I've had enough
.
They have "funny stories" about abusing and over riding consent, but it "ended well, so it's ok, they didn't mind later"
.
"I want you to do this thing you said is a  limit"
.
"I only want a slave, but you can be my submissive"
Then treats you like a slave
.
Complains about false *** accusations that they've faced.
As opposed to considering that consent was not explicitly given or that they misinterpreted the situation.
.
"It's my job to push you past your limits in your exploration"
Limits are simply a checklist to tick off.

[Si****]

There are different types of Doms generally but whenever it comes to being genuine or fake, the most telling way is through time.
Honesty is always the best policy and having complete transparency within your relationship will help show their true colors.
Asking lots of questions, seeing their response, ideas for your future ordeals, reading their tone, subtle things that you can notice in time.

[Aq****]

A true Dom doesn’t seek approval.

[Aq****]

But if this is the case, He is not afraid to admit that He doesn’t know, that He isn’t sure, that He would like your opinion, that maybe you’re right and He is wrong, that He made a mistake.

[ki****]

They are sure of them self and they are calm they will build your trust rite away and make you fill safe they are not in a hurry.they are looking for a higher level of trust between you and him or her.they want to take you to a higher level of kink that's what they injoy.this has been my experience.

[Yu****]

33 minutes ago, Traceylacey said:

Yuri, do you mean a female "domme"?

Just any Dom, male or female

[Yu****]

34 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

"I am an old school traditional Dom"
There is one twue way and we won't be negotiating.
.
"I only play no limits and no safe words..."
I'll do what I like and only stop when I want to
.
"I have over X years of experience..."
Online
.
"I run my own local BDSM group..."
Because I fell out with all the community leaders locally
.
"Lets chat on (whatever messaging app they prefer)"
Because often those apps don't keep a record of the whole chat so you can't refer back to it. Some will also link to your other socials providing info about you that you haven't intentionally shared.
.
"You don't need to be part of the community and go to munches/events"
Because you'll suddenly realise everything we do together is wrong.
.
"I only speak in all CAPS to submissives on line"
Because that's how I show my authority.
.
"You will call me Sir/Master"
To prove how Dominant I am
.
"I don't use condoms for safe sex or birth control... you must trust me"
I have no concern for your health, my own or for the potential life we'll create together.
.
"I have a preference for young or new to the scene females..."
Because they lack life/kink experience and are typically more pliable so I can easily manipulate them
.
"I am a (insert title here), I am all about protocols, and I have strict ways you will do things and you WILL do them MY way"
.
"I teach classes, so I know things and you should listen to me"
.
"You won't need a safe word, trust me"
I'll decide when you've had enough. It'll be when I've had enough
.
They have "funny stories" about abusing and over riding consent, but it "ended well, so it's ok, they didn't mind later"
.
"I want you to do this thing you said is a  limit"
.
"I only want a slave, but you can be my submissive"
Then treats you like a slave
.
Complains about false *** accusations that they've faced.
As opposed to considering that consent was not explicitly given or that they misinterpreted the situation.
.
"It's my job to push you past your limits in your exploration"
Limits are simply a checklist to tick off.

Thanks so much. You’ve helped me clear out about 9 people

[Im****]

“Hangouts” is usually a red flag for me, and asking for ***

[Yu****]

4 minutes ago, ImnotThere94 said:

“Hangouts” is usually a red flag for me, and asking for ***

“I require a tribute of 100 dollars to be your Dom”

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

"I am an old school traditional Dom"
There is one twue way and we won't be negotiating.
.
"I only play no limits and no safe words..."
I'll do what I like and only stop when I want to
.
"I have over X years of experience..."
Online
.
"I run my own local BDSM group..."
Because I fell out with all the community leaders locally
.
"Lets chat on (whatever messaging app they prefer)"
Because often those apps don't keep a record of the whole chat so you can't refer back to it. Some will also link to your other socials providing info about you that you haven't intentionally shared.
.
"You don't need to be part of the community and go to munches/events"
Because you'll suddenly realise everything we do together is wrong.
.
"I only speak in all CAPS to submissives on line"
Because that's how I show my authority.
.
"You will call me Sir/Master"
To prove how Dominant I am
.
"I don't use condoms for safe sex or birth control... you must trust me"
I have no concern for your health, my own or for the potential life we'll create together.
.
"I have a preference for young or new to the scene females..."
Because they lack life/kink experience and are typically more pliable so I can easily manipulate them
.
"I am a (insert title here), I am all about protocols, and I have strict ways you will do things and you WILL do them MY way"
.
"I teach classes, so I know things and you should listen to me"
.
"You won't need a safe word, trust me"
I'll decide when you've had enough. It'll be when I've had enough
.
They have "funny stories" about abusing and over riding consent, but it "ended well, so it's ok, they didn't mind later"
.
"I want you to do this thing you said is a  limit"
.
"I only want a slave, but you can be my submissive"
Then treats you like a slave
.
Complains about false *** accusations that they've faced.
As opposed to considering that consent was not explicitly given or that they misinterpreted the situation.
.
"It's my job to push you past your limits in your exploration"
Limits are simply a checklist to tick off.

Great post and I agree with almost of these for sure. I will point out if the conversation is going well. I do prefer Snapchat or discord because I will actually receive notifications on time instead of hours later like I do on this app

[Ch****]

CopperKnobs list is very good, I’m having trouble of thinking of more to add, but having some of those does not make you a fake dom. Having multiple ones do.

Excluding limits / safe words etc, they should be a red flag in any situation outside of CNC.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

"I am an old school traditional Dom"
There is one twue way and we won't be negotiating.
.
"I only play no limits and no safe words..."
I'll do what I like and only stop when I want to
.
"I have over X years of experience..."
Online
.
"I run my own local BDSM group..."
Because I fell out with all the community leaders locally
.
"Lets chat on (whatever messaging app they prefer)"
Because often those apps don't keep a record of the whole chat so you can't refer back to it. Some will also link to your other socials providing info about you that you haven't intentionally shared.
.
"You don't need to be part of the community and go to munches/events"
Because you'll suddenly realise everything we do together is wrong.
.
"I only speak in all CAPS to submissives on line"
Because that's how I show my authority.
.
"You will call me Sir/Master"
To prove how Dominant I am
.
"I don't use condoms for safe sex or birth control... you must trust me"
I have no concern for your health, my own or for the potential life we'll create together.
.
"I have a preference for young or new to the scene females..."
Because they lack life/kink experience and are typically more pliable so I can easily manipulate them
.
"I am a (insert title here), I am all about protocols, and I have strict ways you will do things and you WILL do them MY way"
.
"I teach classes, so I know things and you should listen to me"
.
"You won't need a safe word, trust me"
I'll decide when you've had enough. It'll be when I've had enough
.
They have "funny stories" about abusing and over riding consent, but it "ended well, so it's ok, they didn't mind later"
.
"I want you to do this thing you said is a  limit"
.
"I only want a slave, but you can be my submissive"
Then treats you like a slave
.
Complains about false *** accusations that they've faced.
As opposed to considering that consent was not explicitly given or that they misinterpreted the situation.
.
"It's my job to push you past your limits in your exploration"
Limits are simply a checklist to tick off.

This is very interesting - thanks!!!

[Yu****]

24 minutes ago, Chesterfield_Dreams said:

CopperKnobs list is very good, I’m having trouble of thinking of more to add, but having some of those does not make you a fake dom. Having multiple ones do.

Excluding limits / safe words etc, they should be a red flag in any situation outside of CNC.

I could never do CNC. I have too much trauma associated with NC stuff

[ey****]

"true" and "fake" are often subjective

people will say people are fake because they do not fit their vision of what a Dominant should be

the question isn't really "is this person genuine" the question is "is this person compatible with what I want"

there are good points above about either scammers, or people will lie about experience or set off red flags - and these are all valid also.  Red flags of course are a fast way of saying that this person isn't compatible

[Yu****]

2 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

"true" and "fake" are often subjective

people will say people are fake because they do not fit their vision of what a Dominant should be

the question isn't really "is this person genuine" the question is "is this person compatible with what I want"

there are good points above about either scammers, or people will lie about experience or set off red flags - and these are all valid also.  Red flags of course are a fast way of saying that this person isn't compatible

I mean true or fake as in “oh this person isn’t trying to scam or *** me”

[AlphaLion]

I very much agree with @CopperKnobon them potential red flags. I think on the opposite side there are a number of green flags to consider. I'm also of the view that each Dom will be slightly different in their approach to being a Dom.

Their approach would be due to their life experience, their Dom experience and how things have been with different subs. If every Dom acts in exactly the same way, this would be very odd.

Ultimately it comes down to gut instinct about someone and their actions. If you have a bad instinct about something then it's telling you to dig deeper and have that conversation to reveal what is actually happening.

It also feels like their could be a requirement on Doms to be perfect, but really they are human just like the rest. We can and will sometimes make mistakes, but you need to consider if those mistakes were done to hurt you, or if it was an innocent mistake. Having said that, them red flags mentioned aren't innocent. They show a significant fault with how the Dom is operating. They should up their game if they really want to play.

[SA****]

I think financial interest indicators are the most revealing to if someone is fake or not. If they seem almost desperate in their attempts to have you send ***, with no conversation from your end, they are trying to scam you. They may try to convince you, after what seems like normal negotiatons of limits, promises of fantasy fulfilment etc, to send ***, with no ability on your end to be able to follow through with negotiations made. The best way to stay ahead of that is to not send ***. They will attempt to convince you that its important, maybe insulting your dedication to being their submissive. It is all a trick. A genuine individiual trying to explore kinks will do so for the fun of it, to meet like-minded others, and *** won't be a part of it (unless financial domination is involved, a whole other topic - again though, a true findom experience will consist of lots of boundries drawn by both parties, with the dominant listening to the submissives requests and staying to limits). I can only say this from experience, but anyone trying to *** you to another app or to email to talk immediately after starting conversation is most definately doing it for ***, with no interest in your safety or financial security

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, Chesterfield_Dreams said:

CopperKnobs list is very good, I’m having trouble of thinking of more to add, but having some of those does not make you a fake dom. Having multiple ones do.

Excluding limits / safe words etc, they should be a red flag in any situation outside of CNC.

None of what I said necessarily means anyone's fake. They're just what I see as red flags as and when they come up.

[Lo****]

I recommend you challenge them in some way and watch their reaction. Anyone who gets on their high horse or tries to slap you down, dismisses you or reacts negatively in any way should be put in the bin.

Someone who genuinely wants to form some kind of relationship with you will be happy to answer questions, share their details and reassure you about any worries you have before they meet you.

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

I recommend you challenge them in some way and watch their reaction. Anyone who gets on their high horse or tries to slap you down, dismisses you or reacts negatively in any way should be put in the bin.

Someone who genuinely wants to form some kind of relationship with you will be happy to answer questions, share their details and reassure you about any worries you have before they meet you.

Perfectly put and exactly right…reminds me of a conversation I had recently.

[Deleted Member]

(Disclaimer*I'm personally quite new to the community so I'm quite possibly wrong. I did an online "fake Dom test" and got a congrats for "only" being 10% but even if you trusted me saying that and the websites reliability this might still be that left over 10% so a healthy scepticism and pitches of salt with me. 😂😁😜)

I've been reading up on how to be a better Dom and what can be reasonably expected from our partners and it seems like there isn't really any secret trait or skill, just the stuff that makes a great regular relationship but dialed up.

Enthusiasm towards communication I imagine can smooth out even the roughest relationships, or at the very least bring light to incompatibility earlier.

I believe it was in "PhycologyToday" there's an article roughly called personality traits of BDSM practitioners, super interesting read I'd recommend.

Apparently in general both Dom's and Subs rank higher in openness to experiences( not a surprise) but also conscientiousness.

Meaning being responsible, organised, hard-working, goal/task-directed/orientated and a fondness for rules.

Subs are stronger in agreeableness which compliments Dom's which are typically ranked lower here but I think the key point is that Dom's rank lower in neuroticism and handle rejection better than both Subs and the average public.

So if I were to give the best advice I can muster at this moment then probably focus on a Dom's temperament, their consideration/ empathy andy their reliability.

You'll have to do your best to guage their honesty with this so being patient and happy to meet in safe places first.

Valuing consent and trust is likely critical, I believe even more so in relationships where the participants want to abandon them.

This last bit might be controversial but I also believe a loving synergistic relationship is one which allows people to do more than what they normally could by themselves.
Helping us push and expand our limits (whilst respecting our hard boundaries), like a comforting hand to hold to help build the courage to cross a scary rope bridge, a spotter that allows us to lift more than we safely could alone in the gym or even someone who gives us the confidence and affirmation we need to wear something we want but feel to shy or self conscious to actually try..... Oh wait, is this my 10%?!🤣

Haha anyway, im always happy to network to expand my knowledge but I am a massive chatterbox if it's not immediately evident!

I genuinely hope my thoughts provide something beneficial, even if it's only a prime example of the folly of a new aspiring Dom or (hopefully not) a fake wannabe Dom.

Though I feel it important to empathize with "fake" Doms and the lesser spoken about "fake" Subs, to me it seems like someone practicing the advice "Fake It Till You Make It!".

Being competent is a very desirable position so I feel it's natural for us to want to reach that stage asap.

(Hopefully) we're all warm to the idea of improving ourselves, it's just a matter of patience and those who haven't developed their patience will tend to try to act beyond their ability which sadly can hurt themselves and others but the enthusiasm I can't fault.

Personally I've always known that I could only find satisfaction playing a Dominant role in a relationship but I didn't allow myself to even start dating until I was 25 because I felt like I wasn't prepared to be a good partner.(... And I only started by accident tbh, I'm probably still not but reading only gets us so far).

We all learn and develop at different rates, life is messy and full of ordeals but as long as we never quit and progress safely then even if we miss the stars we can still find a comforting cuddle in the clouds.

Just remember that every person you discover you're not compatible with is one less person between you and the one you'll eventually get to settle down with (if that's what you're looking for).

Good luck can be made and found so keep up the great effort with your search, it'll pay dividends even if it doesn't feel like it now!

[ja****]

A true Dom enjoys being dominant simple as that, it doesn't mean they're a good Dom, ethical, or genuine in all they say.

[mu****]

If something (a Dom/Domme) seems too good to be true, it is probably too good to be true!