A broken hearted subs warning

[Chloebear]

28 minutes ago, Traveler said:

There is nothing here that makes me emotional or knocks me off my pedestal in the slightest.  I have shared an experience by making it clear that if things go wrong, there are 3 causes that play a role: vetting, communication and expectations.  Furthermore, I am well aware that no one wants to be lied to, but there is certainly no one who wants to hear the facts.  If you do give it, it is no longer about the initial, but the person is played.  This is also now apparent.  However, you too are allowed to express your personal opinion, and your feedback is very valuable and therefore very important to me.

There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance.

In general, I disagree on vetting - I think you can vet as much as possible, if you don’t have access to mutual acquaintances or previous partners, you may still have issues. Communication clearly wasn’t an issue here, but it is, in my opinion, at the heart of the majority of most issues.

I think to place blame on vetting absolves the Dom. Can he be awful as long as no one catches him? Or passes it on? Is it ok to be terrible because it’s the sub’s responsibility to vet? Clearly that’s a error in thinking. However, we cannot control someone else’s actions, only our own. And so we vet.

Sadly, the OP’s expectations have probably been lowered considerably after this experience. Many of us are the same.

[ey****]

Gonna tell you a little problem

or problems

there is no way to extensively vet someone - so there is always an element of using your instincts 

so someone will do this.

something goes wrong

They might already be questioning their own judgement - and then someone will come along and say "you should have done more vetting" though not actually point out what they should have done (and, hey, hindsight is convenient) or whatever.

And so then the person will brush themselves down and they go again - and get talking to someone else, but this time are a little cagey and wary as they don't want to rush anything and get hurt or accused of not vetting.

And then... the guys complain about how hard or how reserved people are.  And you get things like the guy who is "I've been on this site two whole days and had some conversations going but people go quiet when I suggest meeting" and it's like, yeah, cos if a woman meets someone she's just been talking to for 2 days and something bad happens she will be accused of not doing enough vetting and blah blah

So if a woman puts too much trust into people it's her fault for being too trusting - if she is too hesitant then she is accused of being fake.   Sigh.

[CopperKnob]

9 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Gonna tell you a little problem

or problems

there is no way to extensively vet someone - so there is always an element of using your instincts 

so someone will do this.

something goes wrong

They might already be questioning their own judgement - and then someone will come along and say "you should have done more vetting" though not actually point out what they should have done (and, hey, hindsight is convenient) or whatever.

And so then the person will brush themselves down and they go again - and get talking to someone else, but this time are a little cagey and wary as they don't want to rush anything and get hurt or accused of not vetting.

And then... the guys complain about how hard or how reserved people are.  And you get things like the guy who is "I've been on this site two whole days and had some conversations going but people go quiet when I suggest meeting" and it's like, yeah, cos if a woman meets someone she's just been talking to for 2 days and something bad happens she will be accused of not doing enough vetting and blah blah

So if a woman puts too much trust into people it's her fault for being too trusting - if she is too hesitant then she is accused of being fake.   Sigh.

The irony and the logic of this comment is blinking unreal. Lose lose situation. Unless of course the person you're speaking to has life experience, emotional intelligence, listens to what the other person is saying in relation to their thoughts/concerns/reasons and takes it in their stride rather than, what's that phrase? Right, victim blaming

[ey****]

54 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

The irony and the logic of this comment is blinking unreal. Lose lose situation. Unless of course the person you're speaking to has life experience, emotional intelligence, listens to what the other person is saying in relation to their thoughts/concerns/reasons and takes it in their stride rather than, what's that phrase? Right, victim blaming

see also

"women always go out with arseholes but won't give ME a chance" 

[CopperKnob]

20 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

see also

"women always go out with arseholes but won't give ME a chance" 

You're on form tonight! 😂

[or****]

I'm sorry that happened. I hope you find someone better to open up to.

[br****]

I straight had a guy like this move in with me. After a month he told me not to text, call etc. Finally I went through his phone. He was talking to multiple people telling them all he dosent share etc. He was just using me for a place to live.

[Scottishdombull]

19 minutes ago, brokenpromises said:

I straight had a guy like this move in with me. After a month he told me not to text, call etc. Finally I went through his phone. He was talking to multiple people telling them all he dosent share etc. He was just using me for a place to live.

That is shocking. I definitely hope you showed hom the door

[Da****]

5 hours ago, Scottishdombull said:

That is shocking. I definitely hope you showed hom the door

Showed home the door and a foot deep in his arse....douchebag

[lo****]

@brokenpromises- I’m so so sorry 😣 this happened to you. I hope you are doing better now. Just remember that someone’s inability to care about you the way they should does not affect your worth. You can crumple, tear or rip a $100 bill but it never affects its worth.

[de****]

Ive just had the same thing. More or less. I feel your ***, your Sadness your rejection and your ***. But. We are worth more than these fake a** dons, a lot more. They are useless pathetic pricks who just get off on leading you on and then letting you down. Hugs and positivity to you x

[Deleted Member]

I'm truly sorry for what happened to you, and I feel your ***. What happened to you doesn't happen just to subs it can happen to any human being. I'm a Dom with vast experience, but almost the same thing was done to me by a sub. My point is it can happened to anyone. But stop trusting or stop giving people a chance only hurts you more, not him. There's no guarantee that you will never get hurt again nor me or the next person, but giving up isn't the answer.
Falling in life is not an option and the only time someone truly falls is for them to stop trying, and once you stop trying those who hurt you has won and you truly have failed.
Life is all about taking chances. And we do it everyday without thinking. Everyday we get behind the wheel of a vehicle and drive we are taking chances of something happening to us. Every time we take a shower we are taking a chance that we might fall and get hurt, but we still do it without thinking. So why stop giving someone else a chance that might make you happy, because someone else hurt you. That person who hurt you is hurting you more by you not taking chances by you be miserable, by you being afraid of taking chances, by you not living your life, by you not having someone to share it with.
My advice is forget about the past and just move on and try to find someone worthy of you.

[Deleted Member]

This happened to me as well. Though we had a great connection, had fun but little things thru up red flags...he did no aftercare, even after he stated how much he loves it. The big red flag was that he was trying to push my husband out of the picture so he could just me. Again. We discussed this in length before meeting as well as my hard limits, which he ignored as well. You do you honey and find yourself a Dom that list will be there for you.

[Deleted Member]

I feel your *** honey. Thought I found the perfect Dom, but there were red flags. It is your Dom job to communicate and not throw BS around. Pull your chin up honey, it will get better.

[an****]

I feel your ***. I thought I had a perfect Dom and he went on about the importance of after care but ghosted me. How do you know if someone has ghosted you?

[ey****]

1 hour ago, anna83 said:

How do you know if someone has ghosted you?

you will have agreed to meet; or have met... but then never hear from them again.  That they no longer reply your messages (may even have blocked) or answer calls etc. 

[Scottishdombull]

1 hour ago, anna83 said:

I feel your ***. I thought I had a perfect Dom and he went on about the importance of after care but ghosted me. How do you know if someone has ghosted you?

That you sent emails or calls to the Dom and they gone unanswered or blocked.
Giving if this is the way the act should you give them any more consideration that there are Doms who would gove you proper explanations

[an****]

Thanks for replying. I was ghosted. I meant how do you know if someone has blocked you on this app?

[ey****]

2 minutes ago, anna83 said:

Thanks for replying. I was ghosted. I meant how do you know if someone has blocked you on this app?

when you try to message them it will tell you and you won't be able to view their profile

[La****]

Thank you for sharing your story ❤️

[Ae****]

❤❤ sad story.
But. Ok, he doesn't care... he isn't gonna help you or take responsibility for what he did.
So... what you gonna do? Just take it? Never trust again? That's one option.

Another is - take responsibility for healing yourself. No one else will. No one else should. No one else even can.

And along the way, take responsibility for letting him in in the first place. There's a reason he was able to trick you. Find out the cause and then resolve it.

This all is hard and takes time but you can do it and it's definitely worth it (you only have one life, do you have something more important to do than learning how to have happy healthy relationships?).

Keep going. Pick yourself up, learn from experiences. You win or you learn. Congrats on learning. You're that much closer to your dream relationship.

[at****]

Thanks for sharing and warning. Jeez, the frauds these days! Sorry that happened to you.

As a heartbroken and jaded person myself, I must say this: you will trust again, I promise. Don't worry about this right now. Just take your time to move on.

And while you're at it, give yourself all that you were wishing for but never got from these relationships, and all that you wanted to give to others — the best self care you can think of, love, compassion, commitment to fulfill your own needs. It will make things much easier.

[Merrylobe]

On 7/24/2022 at 9:11 PM, lokifangirl said:

Two months ago I met someone I thought was amazing. He listened, he treated me like a person first and sub second. We flirted, we sexted and we shared some of our most intimate hopes and ***s. Or at least I did. Friday this week I found out it was all a lie.

Here’s a warning to protect your heart.

He had asked for exclusivity from the beginning and I happily gave it because I don’t date multiple people at once. We set up rules and protocols and we both deleted our dating app accounts. I actually couldn’t figure out how to delete my Fet account for some reason the app didn’t give me the option. I told him this but that I had deactivated it. He said he had deleted his.

For two months we talked throughout even the work day. He worked for himself in finance and because I live in a country 8 hours behind his time my work day was his afternoon/evening. I’m in the US, he was/is in Scotland.

There was so much earnest and care in his messages and voice notes and he acted as if he really cared about me and my life. We talked about hopes and dreams and for the first time I really thought I had finally found my person. He asked me what I needed to feel safe and secure.

These were questions I couldn’t answer because like so many submissives, I’ve spent my whole life taking care of everyone else’s needs before my own. I’m not telling you this for sympathy but so you can see yourself in this and know what to watch out for.

He really did put on the best show, but I should have noticed the smaller inconsistencies. We had set up a protocol that I would check in when I got to work/home. And that I would message every Sunday something unapologetically positive about myself. I did this and at first he was responsive but after a while I would message as asked and he wouldn’t even acknowledge it.

Or he started asking questions he already knew the answer to. It must have been because he was juggling too many people at once to keep them straight.

Fast forward to this last Friday. A friend of mine told me they had published some articles I could find in the forums here. So I came back to read them and the plan was to deactivate again right after to keep my word. Well I noticed that mine and Scotlands chat history was still on my account. I decided to go back and read it, just to remember how we first met. I’m a sappy nostalgic person.

But then I noticed something awful. His account wasn’t deleted and he had blocked me. I was so confused so I took a screenshot and sent it to him asking him to explain. The only reason to block someone is because you don’t want them to see what you’re up to. Let me be clear, at this point everything was going smoothly, no arguments no issues that would have justified this.

All my pleas for explanation have gone unanswered and I had some choice words that I’m sure he never read because I’m sure I’ve been blocked on all mediums.

I did exactly what was asked of me as a submissive, I was open and ***. But none of it matters because the person who was supposed to protect my heart, to care for it shattered it like it was nothing.

Before I would be inclined to blame myself to ask what I did wrong, but not anymore. I will not take responsibility for the cowardice of a pathetic fake Dom.

It is your responsibility as a Dom to ask for and communicate exactly what you want/need, you KNOW that these dynamics are emotionally precarious because we give and give up so much to one another and to betray that trust is absolutely disgusting.

Had this person just said that they wanted to keep their options open and weren’t ready or wanting a romantic/exclusive dynamic then I could have had the choice to except it or walk away but lying robbed me of that choice and I never consented to be lied to.

Please submissives, new and seasoned do not let just anyone in no matter how perfect they seem. I don’t know if I can ever trust anyone again.

This hurt too much to be thrown away and forgotten. I won’t reveal the persons identity but beware blue eyed, tattooed Scottish men who love Ac/DC and work in finance and all the “Doms” like him.

And if he ever stumbles upon this, stop hurting people who have done nothing wrong to you, what would you do if someone treated your daughter like this?

- A heartbroken and jaded sub

This hit home very to me. I am sorry this happened to you. I too was duped and sad to say I am new to this and was looking to explore this side of me. I deactivated my account for him and I did everything he said! However I woke up mr t day to the whole chat deleted and he ghosted me after arranging to meet! Seriously fellow subs please be careful. If I do come a cross him again I will warn everyone of him. I will say the current guy I’m chatting too seems genuine and is very kind so watch this space xxxx