Cold Feet?

[RaymondWise]

You're experience is what I've experienced since the beginning of the internet. I focus mostly on getting people out to BDSM socials (munches). I do have a theory, and UrbanHyena says, I might be reading too much into it. But when I talk with a person a lot about the possibilities, what might happen when we meet, it seems to become more fantasy for the person and they are less likely to meet.

I have met people directly through internet encounters. I have a cut and paste of the local Starbucks, it's spacious and a good place to talk, and fairly early on offer to meet in person there. That might seem pushy but it's the thing that works. A majority will decline and I accept that. And the coffee meeting is just a chance to get the person to meet, we just chat and get a feel for each other.

[ra****]

I would also let you know there are a good couple of people here just looking to test the waters and just talk. Then again I’m also new here, good luck!

[Redefine-Horizons]

The TLDR answer is that you did not build enough trust with this person that they didn't feel comfortable with meeting you.

No person "owes" you any sort of explanation. You may have come off creepy, aggressive, not a good fit, whatever. The recipient owes nothing to you.

There is also no one size fits all answer. Some people are comfortable meeting that day you first send a message, some may takes weeks or months. Could all depend on your actions, what's going on in their life, etc.

There are claims that some women do make profiles and look at messages as somewhat of a "pep talk" when having a bad day in a look at all the nice comments or how many dudes want me sorta thing. I can't say that is specific to here or any dating site, but typically they are a smaller segment.

Kill em with kindness and don't prenegotiate before meeting someone in a public place. Those two tips will leave you with far less disappointment and likely better stories in the long run.

[al****]

Same..so I never know if it's worth responding. I haven't had any luck at all on any of these sites..seems like everyone is fake

[CopperKnob]

Just to make a point
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Remember a few weeks ago when there were a few posts detailing the negative experience of woman on dating apps such as Fet?
Remember how a whole bunch of men decided to say 'what about us!?"
Remember when a whole bunch of men shouted the women down and said "that's not what happens!"
Remember when a whole bunch of men said "stop man bashing"
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I do
I also note that not one female presenting person has felt the need to add a comment here that does any of the above.
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I wonder why 🤷‍♀️🤔

[Deleted Member]

Don't worry, that happens to everyone. To be clear, it is disrespectful when there is a normal and fun chat, the contact is terminated without explanation. Yet it has now become established, and we will have to make do with it.

[ey****]

I do often think there's two way

Certainly sending a message and not having a reply within 48 hours is rarely disrespectful.  Especially if you, say, started to talk to them on a weekend - and they've had stuff like, y'know, work - and they're hardly leaving anyone hanging.

There's no contractual service level agreement on when someone should reply to you.

But like, if you do feel you've killed a conversation - perhaps by being quick in suggesting a meet, there's never any real harm to wait a few days and drop a follow up of your own - I dunno, "Sorry if I came over too eager - I've enjoyed chatting with you so far : I'd love to chat a bit more if you're not yet ready to meet" and then something which otherwise continues the conversation based on whatever else you were talking about.

Like, there is another thread where it's talked about women in particular not doing enough vetting and if you're pushing to meet after a day or two then, certainly they cannot meet you else they'll be blamed for not doing enough vetting with you.

[Deleted Member]

Ghosting is childish and I wish these women would own up to it cus it’s not a gd look ijs

[al****]

Get used to it, happens a LOT with women, they don’t know what they want. And they certainly don’t want you they just love the attention

[Deleted Member]

Lets face it... anyone looking for anything online these days will have to work hard to get a meet IRL IMO. There are plenty of dreamers and people who just want to chat and those people WILL SAY ANYTHING in order keep the other person chatting ...but then when one side starts to make noises about a meet up thats when the dreamer realises the game is up and goes quiet... its much better than agreeing to meet and then not turning up but imo it shouldn't happen at all

[Deleted Member]

Keep trying and chatting❤️. Maybe make this one of your questions when vetting women. Tbh, we all get ghosted. Every person has their own reason. If they disappear, then I keep moving forward. Hope this helps.

[ma****]

What were those meetings for?

I would personally not meet anyone under 23 for play. I would not meet anyone for play for the first time or anyone who brings play into our conversation in the first few weeks. I would also not date/meet anyone who doesn't know what they want or who confuse D/s with kink or sex.

[wo****]

Call me naive but I am surprised how much this happens or the people that will say anything, why bother, like who has the time.

[ge****]

9 hours ago, ***enlit said:

Lets face it... anyone looking for anything online these days will have to work hard to get a meet IRL IMO. There are plenty of dreamers and people who just want to chat and those people WILL SAY ANYTHING in order keep the other person chatting ...but then when one side starts to make noises about a meet up thats when the dreamer realises the game is up and goes quiet... its much better than agreeing to meet and then not turning up but imo it shouldn't happen at all

I think a lot comes down to how much you place store in finding people to meet - I've always taken a more laid back approach and not invested huge amounts of time trawling profiles in the desperate hope of finding someone to meet, preferring to hang around in forums and the like and interacting with people that way, and it's surprising how many conversations spark off the back of that and then lead onto meeting people in a more natural, less clinical way than the most obvious approach.
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I think it comes down to partly the fact that you already have a "feel" for those you see around the forums, so it's not quite as stilted, and partly that laissez faire approach meaning meeting doesn't become an aim, more a very pleasant extra.
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There are for sure dreamers and those who will tell you anything they think you want to hear - but they're fairly easily weeded out, and to be honest coming back to the laid back approach, they're of less significance anyway as a result of it.
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The key is being able to recognise them, which again comes back to forum use being a way to see how people interact before engaging.

[ge****]

4 hours ago, wondermill said:

Call me naive but I am surprised how much this happens or the people that will say anything, why bother, like who has the time.

Happens for a variety of reasons - people get caught up in the heat of the moment, or life happens, or one side is more invested than the other, or it's a fantasy for the person and will never be taken to reality or any number of other things.
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Happens often and sometimes isn't even the person who goes quiet who is at fault.
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Have learned not to try and second guess it though, the reasons may never be clear.
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I also think people spend too much time stressing about why someone hasn't replied - and trying to figure it all out, as I said the actual reason may never be clear.

[CopperKnob]

Shall we consider the facts?
Your username is pretty much, young bull, location
You're 18yrs old
Your profile is nothing more than what you're looking for sexually
Chatting extensively, for you is less than 48hrs
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If you're here for hook ups/FWB's, fine no ones judging you. Others will be too but the questions to ask yourself are
- what are you actually offering others
- how extensive have those conversations really been in that timeframe
- are you really approaching people that are looking for the same thing/s that you are
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Then you need to consider
- Fet isn't a hook up site, first and foremost it's a community
- as other comments, people (typically females) get lynched by people screaming 'personal responsibility' when they talk about meets youre trying to set up going wrong. So they chat for longer which means these types of posts are posted and females are again lynched for being fake, time wasting bots
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The key points if you want to remain/succeed in the kink are
Patience and communication, respect and consent
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I'd maybe suggest that you spend some time reading some of the posts in the forum which have been written by females sharing their experiences so that you can understand and have a little more empathy. That way you'll maybe have a better experience

[Ar****]

23 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

But equally, if someone you had messaged has decided to take a day or two to think about if they're happy to meet you so quickly and then see your post history and see you're impatient, that may well be a turn off.  If they see you've been talking to multiple people about potential meets - then - you know - women also have confidence and esteem issues also and might then think you're not really interested and are playing the field or found someone "better".

This is an aspect I can get quite (possibly very unnecessarily) anxious about. My post history isn't on my page - sometimes I think I'd like it there for reference, and most of the time I think it would clutter up my page too much - but I do display the number of messages sent/received. I don't tend to send many messages to people who I am "interested" in as such, but when I do and they're inevitably the first person I have for a while, I'll note that it's probably on a day when I've been chatting plenty with a (platonic) friend and so concern myself that if they look at those figures they'll think I'm potentially trying it on with oodles of ***ps. Short of removing those stats from my page - which I think looks even more dodgy - there isn't a lot I can do except trust that the right person for me isn't going to read something into that which isn't there.

[ey****]

I think the thing that gets me is we have another thread active - on that thread we have the same users saying women should do more vetting - who are on here saying that women not rushing into things after 2 days, or who complete vetting and decide not to proceed, are bad.

And it's like.... ugh.  

[ey****]

7 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

when I've been chatting plenty with a (platonic) friend and so concern myself that if they look at those figures they'll think I'm potentially trying it on with oodles of ***ps.

I can totally get that - and some of my views here are a little weird - but - here goes.

There are people I enjoy talking to platonically and will continue to do so; if someone looks at in the wrong light then this happens

and of course there's been people who have crept in to ask about something I've written, or sometimes to thank me, or sometimes to call me an arsehole - y'know - and I will engage with them.   For me a lot is in the context that - someone who has been on a site a long time is naturally going to have sent and received a lot of messages and I hope people would understand that.

But it's when there's been people who the "sent" is clearly hundreds or thousands(!) more than the received that you know they're mass messaging

or when they've been on the site a week and sent out 500 messages.  

bizarrely I've just looked at my own stats and I have, apparently *received* 1000 more messages than I sent - though, I'm quite sure my inbox isn't where messages come to die.  
But then, also, I don't engage with obvious scammers.  And, funnily, there are people who I left on read because their last message was not conversational.  

[ey****]

there have been a couple of conversations I am sad came to an end - but I don't see it as being any form of ghosting.

one person recently was local and was very busy in her day job - while she didn't expressly say what she did - I had a loose idea and I think kink took a temporary back seat due to workloads - and while I would still be interested in resuming things with her (especially as one thing we discussed would be good for summer months ahead) it's understandable and maybe things will pick up another time.

Another person - I did enjoy chatting with and discussed meeting but I suspect that would just be a coffee because I know I couldn't offer what she wanted - but - I have done casual play with people in similar circumstances - though she had problems with her health - and - she did seem to disappear for quite a while - and so y'know, people make assumptions but especially if we're only talking 2-3 days since a reply someone could be getting over a nasty cold and want to think straight - let alone anything major.

and there was someone on here I really liked who vanished - and then she came back and messaged and apologised for disappearing without a trace and I said it was fine and I was happy to see her; and... she vanished again and I suspect there's a lot of personal things where an attempted distance relationship on an ad hoc basis might really not be the top thing on her mind.

I guess in these cases I at least know why - although 2 of the 3 I did not know why when they went quiet.

There was also someone local I used to message elsewhere who... bless her... she did eventually give a reason not to continue (and was someone I know socially - so saying "hey, I no longer want to pursue this" saved other potential awkwardness) but she was often terrible at replying and a lot was simply that she would see my message before work or on a break - mean to reply after work - but then when it came to a couple of days later, forget that she hadn't replied or think that she had.   

And. Folk have stuff on.

And when you kinda appreciate that meeting someone may very well be important - but isn't the only important thing in their life and priorities change  : if you can show a little patience then - well - in a lot of cases conversations resume.  

I say this - the other week I did some play with someone where we had a running joke of "we must play together again soon!" and 'the other week' was actually almost 5 years after the previous time we played! 

[Ar****]

2 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

But it's when there's been people who the "sent" is clearly hundreds or thousands(!) more than the received that you know they're mass messaging

Mmmm yes this in particular is a good point and hopefully something most people would consider.

 

6 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

bizarrely I've just looked at my own stats and I have, apparently *received* 1000 more messages than I sent - though, I'm quite sure my inbox isn't where messages come to die.  

But then, also, I don't engage with obvious scammers.  And, funnily, there are people who I left on read because their last message was not conversational.  

I've got around 500 more received messages than sent 😂 I put it down to how (at least, in my experience) many people often send a series of short messages which I will then respond to altogether in one single, larger message. I find it saves ending up in crossed-conversations, but means I might chat to somebody and send perhaps a third of the messages that they do.

[pi****]

It's been too hot to go out.

[Do****]

They are all fake accounts. It's hot to hot to go out . You go to the store , work, walk the dog , they are bait to lure you in. There are real accounts here but there are more bots then real accounts though. Just misspelled a word or shorten it somehow it will trip up rhe computer but it will figure it out the computers are getting AI capable . If they add pictures to the conversation I'm sure they are bots.

[ey****]

you know

if I was a fake I would agree to meet

if my objective was to pretend I was someone else then I would agree to meet (OR reply that I'm not yet ready) to continue any form of online role play or whatever I was getting out of it - I would then make apologies or excuses at the last minute 

if my objective was some form of scam then, again, totally, I would agree to meet and then spring some form of financial crisis scam (or again, reply that it's not yet convenient in order to try to spring something else)

if I was cheating and stringing someone along - then - again - it still makes sense to continue the string through either of the above

[CopperKnob]

4 hours ago, Dominthe805 said:

They are all fake accounts. It's hot to hot to go out . You go to the store , work, walk the dog , they are bait to lure you in. There are real accounts here but there are more bots then real accounts though. Just misspelled a word or shorten it somehow it will trip up rhe computer but it will figure it out the computers are getting AI capable . If they add pictures to the conversation I'm sure they are bots.

Actually, in this heat, I have cancellee work through not wanting to sit in the car for hours in 30+ degree heat.
I've also not walked the dogs because not going for a walk for a few days won't kill them. The heat will
I'm off now to add some pictures to a conversation just to prove I'm a fake bot that's just here to bait people 👍🏻