Struggles of a life of contradiction.

[Je****]

Sorry this will be a woeful and LONG post. I'll put a trigger warning in due to some uncomfy abusive mentions.

 

A conflicted mind is rarely pleasant to read... but perhaps advice and experiences could be shown if I share..

 

 

So I often have a mind in turmoil. I feel like I was doomed from the moment I was brought into this world.

Born into a family of DV against my mother. My mother who apparently tricked my father into having me. To me being born and my mother then pawning me off to whoever would mind me so she could work and pretend I didn't exist. A parental situation which would never last long. Until their ultimate divorce which was when my mother acknowledged my existence. But this is when I had begun to be used as a weapon by both.

 

My father fighting for custody. My mother not allowing him to see me until a court granted it. When I seen my father he used me as a weapon against his own father.. to get what he wanted from him. The very grandfather who was 'disappointed' I wasn't the grandson he hoped for.

 

....

 

Fast forward some years I grew up in a turbulent family with brothers who were favoured. Where I was beaten and shouted at simply because I wasn't one of my brothers. I endured years of this. Called a slag who would end up pregnant by 16 simply because I had a skirt on, became gothic and had male friends (even though they were gay, but this was frowned upon too).

 

I began to rebel and lived my life, moving out at 17 years old. Told if I did, I was never allowed back. I never went back. My parents divorced shortly after this and my mother went off the rails. My stepdad's bond with me grew after this. But it was never going to be perfect. At 18 I was an adult.. had began going out and socialising.  Until I was r*ped by a man on the street. That's when I died inside.

He got away with it and I couldn't cope with the police and forensic attention, invasive swabs and all sorts of things. I was terrified of men. I ended up off the rails myself a year later and got back out there.

Losing all self respect and I just did what I wanted to do. Which was to use men... how they used me. (Consensually of course). So I slept about. Nothing extreme but I loved this new control over my life. 

A year of this... soon my friends and people I knew began to drop away. I got labelled a slut, slag, whore. Simply because I made my own sexual choices. I was judged back into reverting away from society. I did what society felt I should and sought a boyfriend to be mono with and enjoy life as a couple.

 

....

 

Age 21 I decided to meet a nice guy I liked for a while. We dated a few months and I ended up pregnant. After 6 wks he decided he didn't want the child. And told me to get rid of it. I refused. He dumped me.

My stepdad tried to get me to have a termination too, because he felt I couldn't have a normal life. But I proceeded and had said kid. 

My mum took an interest but was still off the rails since my granny's death in 2010. But I felt this could have helped us bond more.

I entered a new relationship and had a second child. I even got in touch with my bio dad again after many years with no contact. My mum disapproved of this and things became turbulant.

She walked, abandoned me and my ***. That was in 2013. I then found out the family I grew up with was all a lie. My mother was adopted when she was a baby. The roots I thought I had.. weren't mine at all. 

I became depressed and my relationship began to suffer with my long term partner. He began to mentally and emotionally *** me. 

This went on for years until I became too afraid to leave my own home. For 2 whole years. I had a 3rd child. And shortly after this I had no sex life or intimacy at all. No social life. No friends. I piled on weight but sought a job to ease back into things, even though only a half mile from home. I began drinking heavily when a woman at work began to taunt and bully me. I didn't want this life. So I quit work shortly after. I just wasn't strong enough.

By this stage I couldn't spend a waking moment sober. In turn I felt I was letting everyone down. That I deserved what had happened to me at work. To then walk into emotional *** at home.

 

....

 

One day, and this was my tipping point... My partner at the time, amidst the mind fucking, decided to start lying to me. Cheated on me and gaslit me to the point I tried to end my own life. I felt so worthless. I didn't want or need this. It wasn't a life at all.

He pushed me into therapy for months before he told me that it wasn't all in my head and was indeed going behind my back. I switched off. I was numb. Without any emotions at all. At this stage I didnt want to be around any human beings. I hated people. 

I got rid of him but the *** kept that connection door open between us. He still blames me because I threw him out. But an apology wasn't enough.

 

....

 

I began writing to distract myself. I wrote a romance novella. A life of someone who wanted normality, tired of perfection, just wanted to have soemthing loving and simple. A bit of a reflection on my own life, but in reverse I guess. Anyway, there was a sex scene in it so I asked my best friend for tips on how to research such a thing.

He said "look up some dirty websites". So thats what I did.

I found Fetish.com. I joined and dabbled about. Got info I needed but I felt compelled to stay.

 

I spoke to a few men. One on the phone.. who turned out to be a catfish. I was naive. But oh well. A second I met as a fwb situation until after a while I found out he wasn't true to anything he told me.. so I ended that. A third ghosted me.

 

I almost gave up on here until I ended up meeting someone else.

A "complete bitch" so I first thought. But giving them a second glance I realised that sassy, goofy person was someone I quite liked. I got to know them and long story short... we are 2yrs together now and moving in together soon.

It's not been easy. They are patient with me. Knowing my past, triggers and anxieties. I tried for a long time to push them away.

But I didnt want to push them away. I was protecting myself. Or testing them? I don't even know.

 

....

 

I try to be out there loud and proud. But at the same time I am shy and humble.

I want to "whore about" again and enjoy myself sexually and have all sorts of experiences. Taking that control back again in life. But I'm still terrified of being used and ***d.

I want to let people close. But I put up walls. I want to surround myself with people but I want to be alone.

I am terrifed of losing people I hold close. Yet I will happily think of myself better off with no one.

I have my kids. All growing strong and healthy. They come first. I don't want their dad around. But I need his help with them. The kids need him.

I want my family and friends from time gone by, but I know I cannot have them. I don't need them, I wasn't good enough before.

My relationships with who I do have, family wise, are rocky. I hung up on my dad recently because I told him my ex was still mentally abusing me. My dad told me it was my fault for being so stupid to allow him, and I cant blame him as I was the one who threw him out.

I told him I felt like I wanted to end my own life due to the situations and he told me to 'do it'. But to 'make sure my kids are looked after better than I can do'.

This tipped me over. I hung up on him. To receive a lovely text saying if I ever hang up again, he's abandoning me as his daughter. *I* was apparently the disrespectful one.

So me being the wuss I am, called him back and apologised. I was numb. I know what he did and said was wrong but I wanted to keep whatever family I have left.

I'm a mug I know...

 

.... 

 

I've major anxiety. Self esteem and confidence issues. I developed OCD habits and I can often be taken wrong. I over analyse and protect myself, even when I don't need to or want to.

Fast forward to today. 

I'm in a good place. I'm still turbulant in my head. But I have the love of a good person. I found family within them. I'm terrifed to ever lose them, but I know that's my insecurities talking.

My growing up and life has always been me as disposable and replaceable. I worry if I ever love someone, or let them close, that they'll just vanish one day.

 

I want nothing more than to have that happy life. A secure unit for my kids. I know I'm making the change for my *** that I was never granted.

My daughter came out as gay at at 10yr old. Adamant for some time. I support her. I will never subject her to the gay shaming I endured.

I found my gender and dysphoria issues were able to be voiced on here. With so many positive friends online and in person (from this site), to support me. To listen and be patient without severe judgement. This is something no one in my every day life knows. I know growing up where I have, violent Ireland, cannot understand and support me, like I can find on here.

 

....

 

I am exploring poly. I have been ghosted and lied to. Used and ***d. But I wont let it stop me.

Believe me, my inner self tries to sabotage me. But i persist.

I want to be that rock for my partner..open honest and encouraging. Exploring themselves. Myself. Others. Together and seperately. But I have that protective side. I need to work past this. To stop worrying I will be abandoned. To stop feeling unsexy. To stop worrying about people's opinions of me and, to ultimately stop people pleasing. 

 

....

 

I have a lot to thank this site for. I feel it saved me. The people on it have saved me. And even though we all have our troubles, history and abusive pasts (some not all), there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

But for me finding a way to not assume my past will circle around, is what taunts me.

I need to believe I am worth it. That I can have happiness. That not everyone wants to hurt me. That I deserve that first or second chance.

Never judge someone simply on how they speak or behave. Not right away. There's usually a reason. You don't know what someone faces every day. Why they are the way they are. That being polite and kind.. can really change someone's life.

 

And that's what I want to do.

Starting with my kids and my relationship, I want to make that difference, one human at a time.

I just need to find my inner peace to give myself that same love.

 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. This isn't a sympathy reach. Just an insight of my mind and maybe someone can share how to help yourself before others. With burdens I don't feel upon myself, but hide due to burdening others. I don't ever want to be a lost cause. I want to be happy. And see good people happy. We only have one life. How can we live it better.

[Deleted Member]

I'm here for you, if you need to talk jen.👋👋✌️

[Maverick-86]

This post really helped me with my anxiety issues, thank you for sharing and showing we’re not alone, big hugs

[Ar****]

❤ xx

[MasterFromParadise]

I am here for you 💙

[Chloebear]

Breaking the cycle is what you can do… and you’re doing that. If you haven’t read ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Van Der Kolk, I recommend it. Here if you ever need xx

[TheDeathRictus]

I'm glad that while you've been through all that, you can look back on it and see how it's shaped you both good and bad and learn about yourself confidently. It isn't easy but facing trauma is the only way of truly dealing with it and I'm proud of you for having the courage to voice it openly like this, well done Jen

[Je****]

54 minutes ago, moon-_-knight said:

I'm here for you, if you need to talk jen.👋👋✌️

I appreciate that. 

 

Oddly, I don't feel i need to talk. Besides what i already said. 

Its very sad the life i have had.. i hope the future is much better and i know thats yet to come. 

 

People say it is what you make it. But other people hold a huge part in how you can and do and have already lived life. 

Its not simply easy for you to just forget and move on.

Its easy people telling me every day, forget the past and be happy. But that's never as easy done than said.

 

It annoys me people say just be positive. I am. Thats why i am still here. I see and try to live positively. But i simply cannot just forget what i have faced. 

I know the change starts with me.. going forward more so for my ***. But being in this community has massively helped me progress where as my life would be very different had i not found here. I honestly dont know how different my life would have been. 

 

This is why i firmly believe in second chances. Being kind and giving people the benefit of the doubt. But that doesnt mean i will be taken advantage of again. Some still slip through and get me where it hurts and i will learn from it. But the majority online has been good. Not too easy to escape negativity and simply block it if its raised you.

 

My issues are why i cannot deal with bullies, ***rs, sleazy people and have an absolute loathing of liars. It all just throws my brain back despite my trying not to think about the past. It keeps those walls up when i encounter people similar to my upbringing. 

I am the way i am and i cant help that. But one day i hope i can let go of it all.. and not feel an eternity of punishment from my memories. 

Its not easy living in ***. But the strongest of us do it daily. And yes @Maverick-86 we are not alone. 

I am glad this has somehow helped you. But know this is a safe platform for the most part, these forums, for help and advice with good listeners and people who do not judge you straight off the bat. I mostly feel safe here. Not entirely. Mostly. But i see the potential for growth sexually, personally, romantically, socially and i try to focus on that ❤

[Deleted Member]

A beautifully written piece, never ever let the past ruin a future, your future 🤗

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, Chloebear said:

Breaking the cycle is what you can do… and you’re doing that. If you haven’t read ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Van Der Kolk, I recommend it. Here if you ever need xx

I am breaking that for my ***. God knows i would die trying. It angers me i cannot protect them forever. But il try while i am living.  I appreciate that you are there. As am i for you xx 

 

2 minutes ago, NineInchNailsYou said:

I'm glad that while you've been through all that, you can look back on it and see how it's shaped you both good and bad and learn about yourself confidently. It isn't easy but facing trauma is the only way of truly dealing with it and I'm proud of you for having the courage to voice it openly like this, well done Jen

Good and bad is definately a thing. I am often defensive and can lash out or react. I need to try to remain calm sometimes. Breathe and let go.

And facing trauma and dealing with it, I feel are very different things. I mean, I face it every day simply by remembering.. I deal with it in that instance. But I cannot deal with facing  it to move on and forget it.

As grim as its been, if I forget it, I'm forgetting a massive part of my life, which has shaped me, yes. I can cope with it.

They're my burdens but they also make me very reluctant to meet new  people because it's mine to bear.. not theirs.  No one deserves the weight I carry and last thing I want is to bring people down with my past and being.

But, some people just want to be there and help despite my issues. Those people are rare but worth the wait. I just still *** one day they'll be another sad memory.

I have mostly positives now, besides the ex and my dad, who's moods flit back and forth. But I want the positives to last. To help me see and grow to realise that I am capable of love and being loved.

To accept me and others for how we are and not assume I'll end up alone. I crave intimacy and affection because of a life of abandonment and I feel clingy and repetitive at times. But those who know me accept this is just a trait. It's not a flaw. I'm grateful for the humans I hold close now and the many friends I can speak to on here. 

[ti****]

I’m sorry you have endured what you have but it sounds like you have discovered a path to happiness. I’m glad you are who you are :)

[Je****]

Sorry I 'liked' all comments, but it doesn't stick and show I've acknowledged them all. But be assured I appreciate the comments. 

Just know like I have found, people on here can help us without even realising it. ❤

[Firefox_]

My god sweet you've been through the mill. I get the people pleasing/sexual *** ***ing men side of things as has similar instances. A lot of your turbulence I can sadly relate and although I can't help because sometimes I feel like a lost cause myself, just know you're not alone xxx

[Charms]

You have been threw so much jen and the  people who you think you were not worthy to be with your wrong. It's the total opposite.  You to good for them.

 

Iv had a mixed life things in my past things that have hurt me so much.  Some were the police were nearly called. 

 

But like you I fount my partner an he's my rock. Although I 1st fount him in France when I was 15 and our 1st kis was in Germany. 

 

We've been togther this time just over 4 years.

 

You are a sweet kind loving person jen who as supported me threw lots last 2 years.

 

But best thing about you jen is your hugs an 💋   when I see you

 

 

[jameswhat]

That's bravery.

Big, warm, virtual cuddles.

[Th****]

So proud of you Jen Jen, life is not always fun and giggles, but look where you are and how much you have grown. The choices we make are not always our own, life shapes us in many ways, there not always happy memories, but theres always the shiny moments, babies first smile, first word, first steps, the realisation that there are people that care about you, and then there's Andrew, a person that loves you with his whole being.

Life is a rollercoaster, but the ups always out weigh the downs, smiles out weigh the frowns.

you are a very special friend ( who like's to feel my butt ...lol).

Chris G

 

[Je****]

23 minutes ago, Firefox_ said:

My god sweet you've been through the mill. I get the people pleasing/sexual *** ***ing men side of things as has similar instances. A lot of your turbulence I can sadly relate and although I can't help because sometimes I feel like a lost cause myself, just know you're not alone xxx

❤❤❤ big hugs. Inbox open any time xx 

 

19 minutes ago, Charms said:

You have been threw so much jen and the  people who you think you were not worthy to be with your wrong. It's the total opposite.  You to good for them.

 

Iv had a mixed life things in my past things that have hurt me so much.  Some were the police were nearly called. 

 

But like you I fount my partner an he's my rock. Although I 1st fount him in France when I was 15 and our 1st kis was in Germany. 

 

We've been togther this time just over 4 years.

 

You are a sweet kind loving person jen who as supported me threw lots last 2 years.

 

But best thing about you jen is your hugs an 💋   when I see you

 

 

Thank you. This made me smile a lot. ❤❤ 

 

17 minutes ago, jameswhat said:

That's bravery.

Big, warm, virtual cuddles.

 Thank you ❤

 

12 minutes ago, TheBodyguard said:

So proud of you Jen Jen, life is not always fun and giggles, but look where you are and how much you have grown. The choices we make are not always our own, life shapes us in many ways, there not always happy memories, but theres always the shiny moments, babies first smile, first word, first steps, the realisation that there are people that care about you, and then there's Andrew, a person that loves you with his whole being.

Life is a rollercoaster, but the ups always out weigh the downs, smiles out weigh the frowns.

you are a very special friend ( who like's to feel my butt ...lol).

Chris G

 

I know i am blessed in some ways. Its tough but i plod on. I am trying. I have a great partner. I am not his world but (i hope) a strong and valuable part of it.

I adore you and you're ultra soft butt my friend ❤

[Deleted Member]

Feel free to pm and let things out it you need it jen, I understand how it is.. things have been rough for me, and I know he tedious it gets when people think they understand the ***..

[Wo****]

@Finally_Jen Thank you for sharing so honestly and bravely. 

 

I think you are an absolutely stunning woman and weirdly I find it comforting that you have your insecurities too. Your flair and confidence inspires me. As did your post.

 

It's taken me until my 50s to truly blossom. Re connect with my family, find a circle of really good friends and to finally stop drinking.

 

I hit bottom about four years ago, my relationship with my daughter was looking like it was doomed, she wanted nothing to do with me. 

 

Since then I've done a lot of self reflection, owned the hurt I've caused and got sober.

I'm happy with Fen, blissfully so. My relationship with my daughter (and other family) has improved and my daughter and I are now closer and her trust in me is being restored.

 

Your post ***d me up, the ***, the acceptance, but also the hope.

That's what i got from your post. Hope.

 

Thank you 🐺😚🙏

[Deviant_Ric]

That is immensely brave of you to share, and you should hold your head high.
Life is a bizarre journey and as the majority of us know can be littered with unpleasant and hurtful memories en route; yours, nobody should ever be subjected to.
Yet here you are, proof that it is possible to survive and thrive when it seems like the whole world is against you.
Celebrate who you are and who you want to be. Celebrate what you are and be yourself.
You absolutely deserve the life you wish for and have found.
Rise above the haters, the destroyers, the users and the ***rs; they are the detritus of the earth, unworthy of breath.
I can only extend a hand of friendship and wish you every blessing.

[Wy****]

Thank you for sharing Jen ♥️ You are a very strong person and hopefully others will read this and see that they can be strong too even if they don’t always feel that way inside. There is courage in moving forward, in just dealing with everything life throws at us and making it even a bit better for those that come after us. And thank you for showing everyone that this community does matter and can and does help people. You were very kind to me and made me feel welcome and at home here when I first arrived and I hope I can do that for someone else in return. Lots of love ❤️

[Deleted Member]

Jen you are one of the strongest people I know and I am always here for you and overwatch for you and your *** .

and if it wasn't for you , prim,tawny and the rest of the unit .well enough said .my watch is not over you And.the.unit.are my priority 

I am.as you know a bit blunt and forthright I will say\act on things that are wrong even if I get vilified for it ,Jen you are an inspiration for many hold.on to your core Jen for you are the light in the dark 

[Ra****]

Jen I want you to know for sure one thing: You count, you are needed, you are special, and You Are Loved! Not in the vanilla kinda way but look at the outpouring of sincerity and emotions given to you by the people who some have shared your trials, others want to be friends and help you thru further trials!! One offered for you to pm if you need and that is so genuine and caring. Others point out all the things you have going for you, me I say real courage is being absolutely positively scared to death, but saddling up anyways! You have told us your ***s and insecurities but you kept putting one foot in front of the other and didn’t do as your father said kill yourself because you ain’t looking for a quick fix or an out from the turmoil of life because you have lives counting on you not just your *** but your partner and those of us who cared enough to read your life without thought of shes this or why didn’t you do that but bcuz we care about YOU! And I’m proud of you for all you endured and still are able to share your trials without endlessly bashing and blaming the others in your life that truly are to blame for some of your problems but you also stepped up and admitted your own mistakes and issues and to have gone thru so much and still keep the hatred and self pity out your tale is something most people can’t do! You step up to the plate swinging and it’s obvious you don’t care if you walk or hit a home run you don’t go easy. On yourself or overboard blaming others! Sweets that tells me you are on the right track are a great person and you have nothing to worry about cuz you already fit in inside the one place that counts more that all the past places you have been, you fit in inside your heart and head! You look at your story as long winded I look at it as a picture of a person who has every right to be jaded and angry but you show those who read your story a person who still hasn’t fallen and stayed down or who has given up but you are out there still trying to improve and better yourself for you and those who count in your life! I am so proud you didn’t fall into that negativity of blame and name calling and that you are asking your ***rs for advice and suggestions to better yourself when I say thanks for showing me such positivity thru such adversity and that maybe when I get put into situations like what you went thru I have now a positive role model to show me how to treat others in a kinder and better way. So yes young lass you do count. And you have made a difference in my life by your example’s of restraint and tact when talking of people raping you or telling you to kill yourself and still look for that future and try to find your dreams! You are truly a beautiful person and one to be proud to call friend! As the Vulcans say: live long and prosper! P.S. and as long as your partner don’t mind fuck anybody and every body you can cuz some day you gonna wish you did! Lol

[Je****]

1 hour ago, BountyHunter said:

@Finally_Jen Thank you for sharing so honestly and bravely. 

 

I think you are an absolutely stunning woman and weirdly I find it comforting that you have your insecurities too. Your flair and confidence inspires me. As did your post.

 

It's taken me until my 50s to truly blossom. Re connect with my family, find a circle of really good friends and to finally stop drinking.

 

I hit bottom about four years ago, my relationship with my daughter was looking like it was doomed, she wanted nothing to do with me. 

 

Since then I've done a lot of self reflection, owned the hurt I've caused and got sober.

I'm happy with Fen, blissfully so. My relationship with my daughter (and other family) has improved and my daughter and I are now closer and her trust in me is being restored.

 

Your post ***d me up, the ***, the acceptance, but also the hope.

That's what i got from your post. Hope.

 

Thank you 🐺😚🙏

I admire you a lot. The bond you have with Bold and just how you present yourself. You ooze confidence and love. And i adore that about you. Its always been a pleasure interacting with you and i have had to lean on you for advice in the past.  Level headed and solid advice telling me how it is. 

I love the person you are, and as sad as your past has been, its such a joy to see how much youve accomplished. And renewing that daughter mother relationship is absolutely heartwarming for me. 

You are also an inspiration and more people should know this. Keep being you. No one else does it better xxx

[Je****]

1 hour ago, Nastycuntspanker said:

That is immensely brave of you to share, and you should hold your head high.
Life is a bizarre journey and as the majority of us know can be littered with unpleasant and hurtful memories en route; yours, nobody should ever be subjected to.
Yet here you are, proof that it is possible to survive and thrive when it seems like the whole world is against you.
Celebrate who you are and who you want to be. Celebrate what you are and be yourself.
You absolutely deserve the life you wish for and have found.
Rise above the haters, the destroyers, the users and the ***rs; they are the detritus of the earth, unworthy of breath.
I can only extend a hand of friendship and wish you every blessing.

My will to survive almost left me one day. But i fought  through it. I know i have more to give from myself, and more to experience from more human beings that arw positive and inspiring. Ive met a few already but 7B in the world... im sure my paths will cross more. 

 

Ive my haters and people who dont give me the time of day no matter what i do or say. But i cant fight someones opinion of me. They can do and think what they want as i know none of it matters as they dont know ME. I keep that in mind but at times it can still hurt if people believe im a bad person. I honestly believe im good and have so much positivity to give. 

I do allow a lot of people to lean on me, for advice or other support. Some days thats all i do and wear myself thin. But i never want to be that person whos too busy to hear someone out. Il always make time. I used to be that person reaching out with no one on the other end to listen. I dont want people to be alone. Il always try my best. But at the same time, im not perfect. I can't please everyone but if i am true to myself i just have to remain on the path set for me. 

Memories and past issues will always creep up on me. Ive accepted that. But i know i wont always have life tough. There is some down days.. But i know my life is miles better than ive had before so that, i am thankful for xx