Struggles of a life of contradiction.

[Je****]

55 minutes ago, WyldKatt said:

Thank you for sharing Jen ♥️ You are a very strong person and hopefully others will read this and see that they can be strong too even if they don’t always feel that way inside. There is courage in moving forward, in just dealing with everything life throws at us and making it even a bit better for those that come after us. And thank you for showing everyone that this community does matter and can and does help people. You were very kind to me and made me feel welcome and at home here when I first arrived and I hope I can do that for someone else in return. Lots of love ❤️

I love who you are. Always been a pleasure and such a positive character on this site. I admire that alot. I really am glad we met on here. 

Its took me a lot of courage, ive felt like writing this to 100 times before, but i always deleted it. Today i said no more running away from it. Just get it out there. 

People can see how and why i am how i am. The way i behave. How i speak. What i do and say. Its all just a part of me. Theres always more than meets the eye and if this post can help people open up or know theyre not alone then i feel happy they feel safe enough yo share. I appreciate you a lot mrs. Keep being amazing xx

[Je****]

30 minutes ago, Keil-haul said:

Jen you are one of the strongest people I know and I am always here for you and overwatch for you and your *** .

and if it wasn't for you , prim,tawny and the rest of the unit .well enough said .my watch is not over you And.the.unit.are my priority 

I am.as you know a bit blunt and forthright I will say\act on things that are wrong even if I get vilified for it ,Jen you are an inspiration for many hold.on to your core Jen for you are the light in the dark 

You are one royal *** in my ass. 

But i consider you a friend. And family. Weve met personally and you know me more than some. I haven't opened up to you, and barely anyone on this level before but i took inspiration from you and the times youve reached out in just as much depth to me. So thank you for being a great part of my life Keil xxx

[CopperKnob]

3 hours ago, Chloebear said:

Breaking the cycle is what you can do… and you’re doing that. If you haven’t read ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Van Der Kolk, I recommend it. Here if you ever need xx

A really brave post Jen and huge respect for you re overcoming everything you have
I also second this book, I know many people who've found it useful

[Je****]

17 minutes ago, RavenTgurl said:

Jen I want you to know for sure one thing: You count, you are needed, you are special, and You Are Loved! Not in the vanilla kinda way but look at the outpouring of sincerity and emotions given to you by the people who some have shared your trials, others want to be friends and help you thru further trials!! One offered for you to pm if you need and that is so genuine and caring. Others point out all the things you have going for you, me I say real courage is being absolutely positively scared to death, but saddling up anyways! You have told us your ***s and insecurities but you kept putting one foot in front of the other and didn’t do as your father said kill yourself because you ain’t looking for a quick fix or an out from the turmoil of life because you have lives counting on you not just your *** but your partner and those of us who cared enough to read your life without thought of shes this or why didn’t you do that but bcuz we care about YOU! And I’m proud of you for all you endured and still are able to share your trials without endlessly bashing and blaming the others in your life that truly are to blame for some of your problems but you also stepped up and admitted your own mistakes and issues and to have gone thru so much and still keep the hatred and self pity out your tale is something most people can’t do! You step up to the plate swinging and it’s obvious you don’t care if you walk or hit a home run you don’t go easy. On yourself or overboard blaming others! Sweets that tells me you are on the right track are a great person and you have nothing to worry about cuz you already fit in inside the one place that counts more that all the past places you have been, you fit in inside your heart and head! You look at your story as long winded I look at it as a picture of a person who has every right to be jaded and angry but you show those who read your story a person who still hasn’t fallen and stayed down or who has given up but you are out there still trying to improve and better yourself for you and those who count in your life! I am so proud you didn’t fall into that negativity of blame and name calling and that you are asking your ***rs for advice and suggestions to better yourself when I say thanks for showing me such positivity thru such adversity and that maybe when I get put into situations like what you went thru I have now a positive role model to show me how to treat others in a kinder and better way. So yes young lass you do count. And you have made a difference in my life by your example’s of restraint and tact when talking of people raping you or telling you to kill yourself and still look for that future and try to find your dreams! You are truly a beautiful person and one to be proud to call friend! As the Vulcans say: live long and prosper! P.S. and as long as your partner don’t mind fuck anybody and every body you can cuz some day you gonna wish you did! Lol

Crikey where to start with this one 😂

 

Its made me smile. Sad. Laugh and cry. 

 

Il try to pick bits out without rambling on...  i do believe i am needed and wanted. But its accepting it, and being content. The *** of losing good things comes from my own mother turning her back. She had her own issues going on. It was more than me ahe screwed over. It wasnt a me thing.. But as her only daughter... this is one instance il sob into my grave about. I strive to be that mother for my own kids and never ever turn my back on them. 

But i often *** being worth a damn, or someone or soemthing better coming along and i forgotten about. Its hard ti shake that thought no matter how irrational i know it is. 

There are some amazing people on here. And some of these people i know and have the pleasure to personally meet. Il treasure these friendships. And even the caring of 'strangers', thats exactly the example i was telling in the post. These people dont know and realise how one simple kind comment has changed my frown into a smile. Its wonderful to see.

 

I dont seek anyones pity or sympathy. Some people will gloat how hard ive had it. Be rolling their eyes at my "woe is me" post but its simply me pouring my heart out for simply that advice. I can't change my past. Why would i need sympathy for it. That wont make any difference. But simply to show people its ok to cry and vent. People have went through the same and we are never alone. Whether through our trials or for an ear. Theres always someone on here. 

I dont want this post to be negative or come across as a therapist room.. and its not.. its full of amazing kind people  taking 3 or 16 minutes of their time to read me and reply. Its honestly amazing.

 

Il work on my hang ups. Il still power on through.. but il still cry and feel sorry for myself the odd day until i realise im just wasting my emotions on people and things ive moved past. 

As long as i am not grieveing the loss of who i am.. i know il be ok eventually. 

 

And yes. My partner is wonderful. They love to see me all feeling sexy. Theyd have me plowed by every dick in the town if they knew it would make me happy lol 

Thanks for such a kind message i really loved reading it.

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

A really brave post Jen and huge respect for you re overcoming everything you have
I also second this book, I know many people who've found it useful
 

Thank you ❤

[BohemianLady]

I can totally relate to feeling lost years after *** ended. An ex was mentally and emotionally abusive and I made sure to push away every guy that got close. Until I met my Sir, he’s taken the time to teach me that I can trust him and that I am worth more than what my ex told me I was.  I had no self esteem and gradually I’m gaining more of a sense of self. It’s really great that you are able to share your story. It’s not easy to talk about but surviving *** of any kind is something to be proud about. 

[lolli-leigh]

you are a beautiful and amazing soul x who continues to see the good in people despite the struggles you have been through. Sending love and hugs xx

[Vi****]

Thank you for sharing Jen, I see someone whoose pushed on through so much shit, but is resilient and will keep on pushing for there *** and a better future. I wish you happiness my friend. 

I don't want to take away from your post but just to say, I had childhood trauma that's resulted in me carrying so much baggage and feeling stuck with all this darkness. 

 

Those comments feom people meaning well aren't helpful, forget about the past, what's done is done etc, because you live and breathe what has past and has been, because it's part of you. I'm not sure if it'd help you but I had 18months if therapy and cbt, it was really hard but lots of it helped me. Perhaps it might for you.

I'm here if you ever want an ear. Xxx

[Wi****]

9 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

Sorry this will be a woeful and LONG post. I'll put a trigger warning in due to some uncomfy abusive mentions.

 

A conflicted mind is rarely pleasant to read... but perhaps advice and experiences could be shown if I share..

 

 

So I often have a mind in turmoil. I feel like I was doomed from the moment I was brought into this world.

Born into a family of DV against my mother. My mother who apparently tricked my father into having me. To me being born and my mother then pawning me off to whoever would mind me so she could work and pretend I didn't exist. A parental situation which would never last long. Until their ultimate divorce which was when my mother acknowledged my existence. But this is when I had begun to be used as a weapon by both.

 

My father fighting for custody. My mother not allowing him to see me until a court granted it. When I seen my father he used me as a weapon against his own father.. to get what he wanted from him. The very grandfather who was 'disappointed' I wasn't the grandson he hoped for.

 

....

 

Fast forward some years I grew up in a turbulent family with brothers who were favoured. Where I was beaten and shouted at simply because I wasn't one of my brothers. I endured years of this. Called a slag who would end up pregnant by 16 simply because I had a skirt on, became gothic and had male friends (even though they were gay, but this was frowned upon too).

 

I began to rebel and lived my life, moving out at 17 years old. Told if I did, I was never allowed back. I never went back. My parents divorced shortly after this and my mother went off the rails. My stepdad's bond with me grew after this. But it was never going to be perfect. At 18 I was an adult.. had began going out and socialising.  Until I was r*ped by a man on the street. That's when I died inside.

He got away with it and I couldn't cope with the police and forensic attention, invasive swabs and all sorts of things. I was terrified of men. I ended up off the rails myself a year later and got back out there.

Losing all self respect and I just did what I wanted to do. Which was to use men... how they used me. (Consensually of course). So I slept about. Nothing extreme but I loved this new control over my life. 

A year of this... soon my friends and people I knew began to drop away. I got labelled a slut, slag, whore. Simply because I made my own sexual choices. I was judged back into reverting away from society. I did what society felt I should and sought a boyfriend to be mono with and enjoy life as a couple.

 

....

 

Age 21 I decided to meet a nice guy I liked for a while. We dated a few months and I ended up pregnant. After 6 wks he decided he didn't want the child. And told me to get rid of it. I refused. He dumped me.

My stepdad tried to get me to have a termination too, because he felt I couldn't have a normal life. But I proceeded and had said kid. 

My mum took an interest but was still off the rails since my granny's death in 2010. But I felt this could have helped us bond more.

I entered a new relationship and had a second child. I even got in touch with my bio dad again after many years with no contact. My mum disapproved of this and things became turbulant.

She walked, abandoned me and my ***. That was in 2013. I then found out the family I grew up with was all a lie. My mother was adopted when she was a baby. The roots I thought I had.. weren't mine at all. 

I became depressed and my relationship began to suffer with my long term partner. He began to mentally and emotionally *** me. 

This went on for years until I became too afraid to leave my own home. For 2 whole years. I had a 3rd child. And shortly after this I had no sex life or intimacy at all. No social life. No friends. I piled on weight but sought a job to ease back into things, even though only a half mile from home. I began drinking heavily when a woman at work began to taunt and bully me. I didn't want this life. So I quit work shortly after. I just wasn't strong enough.

By this stage I couldn't spend a waking moment sober. In turn I felt I was letting everyone down. That I deserved what had happened to me at work. To then walk into emotional *** at home.

 

....

 

One day, and this was my tipping point... My partner at the time, amidst the mind fucking, decided to start lying to me. Cheated on me and gaslit me to the point I tried to end my own life. I felt so worthless. I didn't want or need this. It wasn't a life at all.

He pushed me into therapy for months before he told me that it wasn't all in my head and was indeed going behind my back. I switched off. I was numb. Without any emotions at all. At this stage I didnt want to be around any human beings. I hated people. 

I got rid of him but the *** kept that connection door open between us. He still blames me because I threw him out. But an apology wasn't enough.

 

....

 

I began writing to distract myself. I wrote a romance novella. A life of someone who wanted normality, tired of perfection, just wanted to have soemthing loving and simple. A bit of a reflection on my own life, but in reverse I guess. Anyway, there was a sex scene in it so I asked my best friend for tips on how to research such a thing.

He said "look up some dirty websites". So thats what I did.

I found Fetish.com. I joined and dabbled about. Got info I needed but I felt compelled to stay.

 

I spoke to a few men. One on the phone.. who turned out to be a catfish. I was naive. But oh well. A second I met as a fwb situation until after a while I found out he wasn't true to anything he told me.. so I ended that. A third ghosted me.

 

I almost gave up on here until I ended up meeting someone else.

A "complete bitch" so I first thought. But giving them a second glance I realised that sassy, goofy person was someone I quite liked. I got to know them and long story short... we are 2yrs together now and moving in together soon.

It's not been easy. They are patient with me. Knowing my past, triggers and anxieties. I tried for a long time to push them away.

But I didnt want to push them away. I was protecting myself. Or testing them? I don't even know.

 

....

 

I try to be out there loud and proud. But at the same time I am shy and humble.

I want to "whore about" again and enjoy myself sexually and have all sorts of experiences. Taking that control back again in life. But I'm still terrified of being used and ***d.

I want to let people close. But I put up walls. I want to surround myself with people but I want to be alone.

I am terrifed of losing people I hold close. Yet I will happily think of myself better off with no one.

I have my kids. All growing strong and healthy. They come first. I don't want their dad around. But I need his help with them. The kids need him.

I want my family and friends from time gone by, but I know I cannot have them. I don't need them, I wasn't good enough before.

My relationships with who I do have, family wise, are rocky. I hung up on my dad recently because I told him my ex was still mentally abusing me. My dad told me it was my fault for being so stupid to allow him, and I cant blame him as I was the one who threw him out.

I told him I felt like I wanted to end my own life due to the situations and he told me to 'do it'. But to 'make sure my kids are looked after better than I can do'.

This tipped me over. I hung up on him. To receive a lovely text saying if I ever hang up again, he's abandoning me as his daughter. *I* was apparently the disrespectful one.

So me being the wuss I am, called him back and apologised. I was numb. I know what he did and said was wrong but I wanted to keep whatever family I have left.

I'm a mug I know...

 

.... 

 

I've major anxiety. Self esteem and confidence issues. I developed OCD habits and I can often be taken wrong. I over analyse and protect myself, even when I don't need to or want to.

Fast forward to today. 

I'm in a good place. I'm still turbulant in my head. But I have the love of a good person. I found family within them. I'm terrifed to ever lose them, but I know that's my insecurities talking.

My growing up and life has always been me as disposable and replaceable. I worry if I ever love someone, or let them close, that they'll just vanish one day.

 

I want nothing more than to have that happy life. A secure unit for my kids. I know I'm making the change for my *** that I was never granted.

My daughter came out as gay at at 10yr old. Adamant for some time. I support her. I will never subject her to the gay shaming I endured.

I found my gender and dysphoria issues were able to be voiced on here. With so many positive friends online and in person (from this site), to support me. To listen and be patient without severe judgement. This is something no one in my every day life knows. I know growing up where I have, violent Ireland, cannot understand and support me, like I can find on here.

 

....

 

I am exploring poly. I have been ghosted and lied to. Used and ***d. But I wont let it stop me.

Believe me, my inner self tries to sabotage me. But i persist.

I want to be that rock for my partner..open honest and encouraging. Exploring themselves. Myself. Others. Together and seperately. But I have that protective side. I need to work past this. To stop worrying I will be abandoned. To stop feeling unsexy. To stop worrying about people's opinions of me and, to ultimately stop people pleasing. 

 

....

 

I have a lot to thank this site for. I feel it saved me. The people on it have saved me. And even though we all have our troubles, history and abusive pasts (some not all), there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

But for me finding a way to not assume my past will circle around, is what taunts me.

I need to believe I am worth it. That I can have happiness. That not everyone wants to hurt me. That I deserve that first or second chance.

Never judge someone simply on how they speak or behave. Not right away. There's usually a reason. You don't know what someone faces every day. Why they are the way they are. That being polite and kind.. can really change someone's life.

 

And that's what I want to do.

Starting with my kids and my relationship, I want to make that difference, one human at a time.

I just need to find my inner peace to give myself that same love.

 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. This isn't a sympathy reach. Just an insight of my mind and maybe someone can share how to help yourself before others. With burdens I don't feel upon myself, but hide due to burdening others. I don't ever want to be a lost cause. I want to be happy. And see good people happy. We only have one life. How can we live it better.

Thankyou so much for sharing this Jen your one of the bravest people I know. I know myself what a sanctuary this place can and is to many. It's fantastic to see you grow and discover yourself I wish you all the best for your future you deserve all the joy, happiness, love and care that comes your way. You are a wonderful soul jenjen 🤗🤗❤️

[Deleted Member]

Me too... thank you for sharing. You are a strong person , and an inspiration. 🤗💖

[Le****]

We all have our stories to tell but not all have the courage to share. Thank you for your courage! I know that wasn’t easy. Turmoil in our lives doesn’t necessarily determine the outcome of our lives. How we react to turmoil in our lives can definitely shape the course of times to come. It’s about getting back up after every blow, brushing yourself off and saying, ok…what’s next. To those that try and label us socially, I would say “fuck you”! Go live your own story. This one is mine and I shall tell it the way I want! Happiest moment of my life was when I started living it for me instead of the way I thought others wanted me living it. Every story has a beginning, a middle and an end. You still have most of your middle and end to write. Write it ***lessly, courageously, compassionately and above all, without regret. Stay strong and always with a beautiful soul😘

[Go****]

Well done Jen, on sharing what is clearly a very personal and difficult experience, not something for the faint of heart. 

Personally, I don't agree with anybody who tells anyone that they should 'forget the past' or 'move on' or 'get on with it'. To me, you can only understand and help yourself to grow in strength, personality, and communication skills, by embracing and processing your past. Like it or not, without our past we wouldn't be right here today.

You are an amazing person, Jen. I relate to a lot you've written, and I know that it can take an awful lot to get up, get out and move forward, but yet here you are, doing just that.

Love and hugs Jen, you're an awesome person, doing a fabulous job ❤❤

[Ra****]

Well lass, the crying I hope was tears of joy, the laughing part cuz I am a goof, the smiling part makes me smile cuz I made you smile and(gotcha again) the sad part hopefully came when you were done reading what I wrote and u realized that there was no more to read bcuz In no way would I ever want to be the one who makes you sad or cry. After reading what you wrote I truly only wish to bring to you smiles and laughter bcuz you deserve to smile and to laugh and to be loved and to get as sexy as you want just bcuz that’s what EVERYBODY DESERVES and there are too many people who seem to think that there is a limit on laughter or smiles or love and if they only get so much then nobody’s going to get more than them. How narrow minded is that, when they think they have a right to set limits on anything others do or get that are positive and joyful things! I’m overjoyed to see the outpouring of love and care for you when I read these comments and I realize that regardless of what society is trying to sell us, there are tons of people who want others to be happy and they aren’t a minority but that they far outweigh the negative people who seek to bring others down to their level bcuz misery loves company instead of doing the opposite and lifting themselves and those around them up bcuz the view is always better from the high ground! U go girl! I’m of mixed feelings when I read stories like yours happy you have the courage to write it and get beyond those negative things but saddened that you were done to in such a manner and I then become doubly saddened for those people who did you in such a manner, what things were done to them to make them feel that treating you or anyone in such a manner was the right or proper manner to be towards others let alone to one of their own flesh and *** or that they once claimed to have loved? The sorrow for the things done to them really brings me to tears and I realize how much the things we do to others have such a far reaching impact on lives we will never know about but whose future we will be shaping with unkind thoughts and deeds to others! I feel such a *** knowing that in my uncaring years that I was one of those people who were hurting lives not yet lived and I feel such remorse for my unthinking and callus actions and that fills me with resolve to do the right and proper things of bringing laughter and smiles to as many people as possible as often as I can as penitence as such for the uncaring negativity I cast about without thought to where it might land, but in truth I find that seeing someone laugh and smile is such an uplifting moment for me that I come to crave that feeling and being able to have such a good feeling from doing such a simple thing saddens me at my wasted efforts to bring others down to my level bcuz yes I was one of those people who were so miserable that I wanted company instead of uplifting me and mine to that better view! Well enough of that cuz I’ve learned my lesson well and won’t give power to those words cuz I’m of First Nation Canada and we feel speaking some words or thoughts give them power so I chose instead to empower those around me with my words instead of trying to get power over those around me with my words. A lesson given for many to learn from hopefully not as ***fully as i learned that lesson so with that I say again smiles and laughter to you lass and I love you!

[Je****]

On 7/28/2022 at 8:34 PM, Vic1077 said:

On 7/28/2022 at 10:53 PM, Willow75 said:

Thankyou so much for sharing this Jen your one of the bravest people I know. I know myself what a sanctuary this place can and is to many. It's fantastic to see you grow and discover yourself I wish you all the best for your future you deserve all the joy, happiness, love and care that comes your way. You are a wonderful soul jenjen 🤗🤗❤️

I'm here if you ever want an ear. Xxx

Love you vic and willow ❤ 

[Je****]

On 7/28/2022 at 11:22 PM, kiseu said:

Me too... thank you for sharing. You are a strong person , and an inspiration. 🤗💖

Thank you xx

[Je****]

On 7/29/2022 at 6:33 AM, Letsplaynaughty said:

We all have our stories to tell but not all have the courage to share. Thank you for your courage! I know that wasn’t easy. Turmoil in our lives doesn’t necessarily determine the outcome of our lives. How we react to turmoil in our lives can definitely shape the course of times to come. It’s about getting back up after every blow, brushing yourself off and saying, ok…what’s next. To those that try and label us socially, I would say “fuck you”! Go live your own story. This one is mine and I shall tell it the way I want! Happiest moment of my life was when I started living it for me instead of the way I thought others wanted me living it. Every story has a beginning, a middle and an end. You still have most of your middle and end to write. Write it ***lessly, courageously, compassionately and above all, without regret. Stay strong and always with a beautiful soul😘

Thank you. Il keep trying ❤

[Je****]

On 7/30/2022 at 12:15 AM, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

Well done Jen, on sharing what is clearly a very personal and difficult experience, not something for the faint of heart. 

Personally, I don't agree with anybody who tells anyone that they should 'forget the past' or 'move on' or 'get on with it'. To me, you can only understand and help yourself to grow in strength, personality, and communication skills, by embracing and processing your past. Like it or not, without our past we wouldn't be right here today.

You are an amazing person, Jen. I relate to a lot you've written, and I know that it can take an awful lot to get up, get out and move forward, but yet here you are, doing just that.

Love and hugs Jen, you're an awesome person, doing a fabulous job ❤❤

I really appreciate this thank you 

I try my best. Il get there one day 

Hope you have the best if happiness too lovely xxx

[Je****]

On 7/30/2022 at 12:23 PM, RavenTgurl said:

Well lass, the crying I hope was tears of joy, the laughing part cuz I am a goof, the smiling part makes me smile cuz I made you smile and(gotcha again) the sad part hopefully came when you were done reading what I wrote and u realized that there was no more to read bcuz In no way would I ever want to be the one who makes you sad or cry. After reading what you wrote I truly only wish to bring to you smiles and laughter bcuz you deserve to smile and to laugh and to be loved and to get as sexy as you want just bcuz that’s what EVERYBODY DESERVES and there are too many people who seem to think that there is a limit on laughter or smiles or love and if they only get so much then nobody’s going to get more than them. How narrow minded is that, when they think they have a right to set limits on anything others do or get that are positive and joyful things! I’m overjoyed to see the outpouring of love and care for you when I read these comments and I realize that regardless of what society is trying to sell us, there are tons of people who want others to be happy and they aren’t a minority but that they far outweigh the negative people who seek to bring others down to their level bcuz misery loves company instead of doing the opposite and lifting themselves and those around them up bcuz the view is always better from the high ground! U go girl! I’m of mixed feelings when I read stories like yours happy you have the courage to write it and get beyond those negative things but saddened that you were done to in such a manner and I then become doubly saddened for those people who did you in such a manner, what things were done to them to make them feel that treating you or anyone in such a manner was the right or proper manner to be towards others let alone to one of their own flesh and *** or that they once claimed to have loved? The sorrow for the things done to them really brings me to tears and I realize how much the things we do to others have such a far reaching impact on lives we will never know about but whose future we will be shaping with unkind thoughts and deeds to others! I feel such a *** knowing that in my uncaring years that I was one of those people who were hurting lives not yet lived and I feel such remorse for my unthinking and callus actions and that fills me with resolve to do the right and proper things of bringing laughter and smiles to as many people as possible as often as I can as penitence as such for the uncaring negativity I cast about without thought to where it might land, but in truth I find that seeing someone laugh and smile is such an uplifting moment for me that I come to crave that feeling and being able to have such a good feeling from doing such a simple thing saddens me at my wasted efforts to bring others down to my level bcuz yes I was one of those people who were so miserable that I wanted company instead of uplifting me and mine to that better view! Well enough of that cuz I’ve learned my lesson well and won’t give power to those words cuz I’m of First Nation Canada and we feel speaking some words or thoughts give them power so I chose instead to empower those around me with my words instead of trying to get power over those around me with my words. A lesson given for many to learn from hopefully not as ***fully as i learned that lesson so with that I say again smiles and laughter to you lass and I love you!

Thank again for another  lovely comment

I really  appreciate it ❤

[li****]

I agree with what's been said here in that this is very moving and very open and honest. We all have our story to tell and honestly this reminded me so much of mine in that I was ***d etc and been in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. 

The past makes us who we are today, no good saying oh I wish I could go back and change this or that as I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason. I've also been a victim of an abusive relationship, and then got in my first D/s relationship from here and he ended up being a total douchcanoe and went past my safe word and beat my ass till it was black and blue. Just know that telling your story gives the hope that people can be more open and raw as you've been in this post.

Honestly Jen you are a beautiful soul and spirit. I've had the privilege of meeting you in person ( and getting hugs and kisses ) from you 😍😋 you are a beaut inside and out and I've seen your growth as a person and the confidence that has blossomed from you with my own two eyes and it's been amazing! Loves ya dearly ya big dinosaur, racoon loving beaut yeh 😍😻

 

 

Edited July 31, 2022 by lil-monster

[Je****]

51 minutes ago, lil-monster said:

I agree with what's been said here in that this is very moving and very open and honest. We all have our story to tell and honestly this reminded me so much of mine in that I was ***d etc and been in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. 

The past makes us who we are today, no good saying oh I wish I could go back and change this or that as I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason. I've also been a victim of an abusive relationship, and then got in my first D/s relationship from here and he ended up being a total douchcanoe and went past my safe word and beat my ass till it was black and blue. Just know that telling your story gives the hope that people can be more open and raw as you've been in this post.

Honestly Jen you are a beautiful soul and spirit. I've had the privilege of meeting you in person ( and getting hugs and kisses ) from you 😍😋 you are a beaut inside and out and I've seen your growth as a person and the confidence that has blossomed from you with my own two eyes and it's been amazing! Loves ya dearly ya big dinosaur, racoon loving beaut yeh 😍😻

 

 

Thank you i really appreciate this. 

 

My heart skips a beat for you always ❤

 

Ive come a long way but i have far to go still. 

One day at a time.

Hope i see you again soon (can ditch L at the bar and find that dark corner) much love xx

[li****]

16 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

Thank you i really appreciate this. 

 

My heart skips a beat for you always ❤

 

Ive come a long way but i have far to go still. 

One day at a time.

Hope i see you again soon (can ditch L at the bar and find that dark corner) much love xx

You're welcome lovely ❤️ and I think anyone who's been through some kinda trauma will always have a way to go but baby steps is better than no steps at all. 

 

Hope to see you again soon I'm going to BBB in August but definitely next time we see each other I'll leave Sir to do his thing lolol and we'll definitely have that dark corner 😍

[Je****]

Okay 

 

So im sorry in advance for bringing any tone down. 

 

I know i have a long way to go and past behaviours are hard to shrug off. 

Il explain whats happened. 

 

 

Last night i went out with the gay bestie. It was gay pride here in belfast. We had a fab day.

 

Come evening time all the gay bars and clubs were packed out thousands of people.

So we went to a local rock bar we frequent. 

 

It was interesting and ugh worthy as when we got there the guy who previously ghosted me 

(If you follow my posts youll know we dated a while and he met my kids and we were physical etc then he dropped off face of the earth)

Anyway he was there. His big wide ginger friend whos always a gent was there and a lady with blue hair i get on with. Alls ok (peoples descriptions are important for this).

 

Ghoster boy avoided me like the plague but his ginger mate was just as nice as ever chatting to me and my friends. The night was going great and well and everyone was merry.

I was headed upstairs to the club bit to find a friend.

Ginger mate was by the door and asked where i was going.  Told him to find my chum, asked if he was headed up too and he said sure. 

All good and well he walked about with me helping me find my friend but to no avail. So we stayed up there and just danced as it was an 80s 90s cheese night. 

 

I had a pint in each hand and was dancing away.

Ginger started to move closer and casually touch my back. I was sort of shrugging it off until he was doing it with a sort of pull close towards him. He was getting close to my face. 

I was a little uncomfy so i started to turn my face away and sip my beer.

He bumped into me and i spilled most of it around myself and down his arm.

 

So i was like shit sorry and he was leaning in to chat. I was like this is fine yeh whatever. But then he tried to kiss me.

 

I instantly backed off and laughed. Said Ginger, what are you doing..?

He said "kiss me".

I laughed and said sorry man i dont see you like that. 

He leaned in again.. mouth and all open. I stood back and laughed again a bit more nervously this time. 

He said whats wrong i said i didnt see him like that and he said, so its only a kiss.

At this stage i then said sorry Ginger i have a boyfriend. 

He put his hands up as if backing off and apologising and i laughed it off and said its ok dont worry. 

 

Then... he leans in AGAIN. I say to him yo man what did i just tell you. I have a boyfriend.

He said well where is he. I said at home. 

He said.. so hes not here. I said no.

 

Now i dont know what kind of switch flipped in his head but he seen this as some form of green light to continue to press me to kiss him. 

I said no 5 times by this stage and kept using the back of my wrist against his chest to keep distance between he and i.

He told me it was ok and didnt matter cus my boyfriend wasnt there. Twice again i said no. 

By this stage he was leaning in and i began to feel a bit panicky. 

I began to back away anf continue to dance as if i was not aware of what he was trying, but kept my pint to my face so he couldn't get close.

He then used this as a means to go ahead and start to kiss my cheek and neck. 

I began pushing him away saying no again a further 3 times and backing away. 

I noticed we had moved back by like 5 or 6 feet. Thats how much he was pushing towards me.

He asked me about 5 times in a row

Kiss me kiss me kiss me over and over. 

I got flustered and tried to pinch the lady beside me to get her eye contact for attention but he stood between us. It wasnt easy to do anyway with a pint in hand. 

I tried to grab a passing womans eye as she passed but she was focussed where she was walking and didnt look at me.

By this stage i was backed up against a wall.

Him still trying and i kept saying no over and over.

Now hes like 6ft 4 very vert heavy built man and very wide and heavy. I felt trapped and every no i said from here on out... he groped my ass and thighs pulling me in.

I gave one big shove to the chest and said NO.  Told him i was off to fond my friend and he said.. aye sure you are.

But i literally ran off.

I seen his blue hair female friend and i pulled her  over and said about what happened but she shushed me.

Next thing Ginger walks over and stands on one side me (left) and puts his hand around the back of my neck and squeezes it very hard for 10 seconds. But it felt like forever.  I tried not to cry and she could see this. 

So she told him to bugger off so we could "girl talk". I offloaded the whole thing and told her this wasnt ok. I was triggered. My boundaries and consent was ignored and my relationship disrespected. And my body touched when it shouldn't have been. I felt the neck squeeze was a warning to shut up. She noticed him do this to me. 

 

She calmed me down and asked if i wanted to sit with her to be safe. I said no its ok and went out for fresh air and the min i seen gay bestie i broke down crying at the table. I sobbed through ths story again... and my mate was ready to break his legs. I told him not to interfere cus the moment hes physical hes in the wrong, not ginger.

 

But then in typical Jen fashion. I began blaming myself. And excusing Ginger as down to being drunk and usually a gent. My friend was mad at me for this. Blaming myself. 

 

I tried to get it out if my system and i said.. im speaking to Ghoster boy, he needs to know what his friend did to me.

So i pulled him.out of the bar to sit and tell him. 

He listened and kinda shrugged me off. Cus he was trying to play the dick head coward he wants me.to think he is. 

I broke down and asked him why he hates me.and why his friend has ***ed me in this way.

That just because i am in an open relationship.. and have history with Ghoster.. Ginger shouldnt have tried to take advantage of me nor disrespect my boundaries. 

Ghoster listened. And we had a big heart to heart about all the.problems as to why we didnt work. 

But i kept in mind hel never accept me as i am and that i cant be with him 

But he was so wasted he asked me to take him home. So i did. Im not heartless and wanted to ensure he was ok

 

But ofcourse he kissed me half way home. We held hands.. mostly so he didnt fall over.. and i got him.home ok. 

 

But naturally one thing led to another and we slept together again.

But thats when that switch flipped in my head. 

 

I was selfish. I put me first.

I had a traumatic experience at the hands of his friend. Ghoster was safe. I felt safe. But i took advantage of the come onto me he was doing as a way to find comfort and release. 

It threw  me back to being 18 and attacked and my whore days that followed. I felt dirty and objectified. So i literally used the sex chance to have my release. Take out my frustrations and have control over my body and decisions. I was consenting with Ghoster. He was familiar. 

 

So as selfish as i was.. i "got mine" got dressed and went to the bathroom. 

Left him alone in this room naked and snoring. 

I slept on the sofa until next morning where i could leave and get to my friends house. 

 

I finally felt clean again. That i had done what i wanted. That satisfied  me. I didnt use him. We used eachother in way. Nothing toxic about it.

But the sex for comfort. And the admittance of the ghosting. I felt at peace. I could walk away from  him.

No more upset or anger. No more *** or lust or wanting answers. 

I bid him goodbye when he got up the next morning and i closed that door behind me.

That'll be that on Ghosters chapter. 

While i feel a bit dirty and like im letting myself down for going back to the bed of someone who hurt me so, i needed it. It has helped me.move on a bit. 

He saved me from further altercation last night and gave me a good time. He knows without saying that it wont happen again.  And hes aware his mate isnt to come within 10 feet of me again. 

 

I am being urged to go to the police about the incident with Ginger. Maybe they can review cctv footage and soemthing be done about it. 

 

 

In all i told this story for a number of reasons. 

 

1. Never ever allow someone to break your boundaries. 

2. Never ever allow someone to touch your body without your consent.. or continue to do so.

Discreetly and if safe and possible try to find help where u can..pretend to smile so they suspect nothing. 

3. Getting closure from someone or soemthing isny always a bad thing. It can happen at any time. For me this whole thing brought on the confrontation to talk and silver lining is that closure and answers. 

4. If you want need and both consent.. find that comfort and closure in what ever way you want. Dont be ashamed and dont regret it. Everything  happens for a reason. 

 

5. Never ever feel like you are rhe problem for someone not listening to you. ENM poly or even a slut.. still doesnt give anyone the right to *** you into anything against your will. Just because you have slept with someone they know.. even if in a relationship, doesnt give them that right to be entitled. 

 

6. Never trust anyone alone. Sad to even say that but  this man was always a gent . I never ever expected him to be capable of such a thing. I thought he was my friend. Always be apprehensive. Especially when drinking. Stay public and dont go anywhere  alone. Stay with someone you know and trust.  And please dont be afraid to report any harassment someone gives you. No matter how much you feel they deserve a second chance.  They could ruin someones life if it happened again and you could have had the power to prevent it by speaking up.

 

I am ok. I dont need or want apologies or sympathy. I stood my ground and found comfort in that old flame. Took my closure and put the whole thing to bed. 

The point is i repeated my after thoughts and behaviour in taking sex as a release. As a comfort when i felt unworthy and dirty. But this time i have no shame for it and if someone wants to shame me (in my real life) il  close the door on them just as i did with Ghoster  

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, Finally_Jen said:

Okay 

 

So im sorry in advance for bringing any tone down. 

 

I know i have a long way to go and past behaviours are hard to shrug off. 

Il explain whats happened. 

 

 

Last night i went out with the gay bestie. It was gay pride here in belfast. We had a fab day.

 

Come evening time all the gay bars and clubs were packed out thousands of people.

So we went to a local rock bar we frequent. 

 

It was interesting and ugh worthy as when we got there the guy who previously ghosted me 

(If you follow my posts youll know we dated a while and he met my kids and we were physical etc then he dropped off face of the earth)

Anyway he was there. His big wide ginger friend whos always a gent was there and a lady with blue hair i get on with. Alls ok (peoples descriptions are important for this).

 

Ghoster boy avoided me like the plague but his ginger mate was just as nice as ever chatting to me and my friends. The night was going great and well and everyone was merry.

I was headed upstairs to the club bit to find a friend.

Ginger mate was by the door and asked where i was going.  Told him to find my chum, asked if he was headed up too and he said sure. 

All good and well he walked about with me helping me find my friend but to no avail. So we stayed up there and just danced as it was an 80s 90s cheese night. 

 

I had a pint in each hand and was dancing away.

Ginger started to move closer and casually touch my back. I was sort of shrugging it off until he was doing it with a sort of pull close towards him. He was getting close to my face. 

I was a little uncomfy so i started to turn my face away and sip my beer.

He bumped into me and i spilled most of it around myself and down his arm.

 

So i was like shit sorry and he was leaning in to chat. I was like this is fine yeh whatever. But then he tried to kiss me.

 

I instantly backed off and laughed. Said Ginger, what are you doing..?

He said "kiss me".

I laughed and said sorry man i dont see you like that. 

He leaned in again.. mouth and all open. I stood back and laughed again a bit more nervously this time. 

He said whats wrong i said i didnt see him like that and he said, so its only a kiss.

At this stage i then said sorry Ginger i have a boyfriend. 

He put his hands up as if backing off and apologising and i laughed it off and said its ok dont worry. 

 

Then... he leans in AGAIN. I say to him yo man what did i just tell you. I have a boyfriend.

He said well where is he. I said at home. 

He said.. so hes not here. I said no.

 

Now i dont know what kind of switch flipped in his head but he seen this as some form of green light to continue to press me to kiss him. 

I said no 5 times by this stage and kept using the back of my wrist against his chest to keep distance between he and i.

He told me it was ok and didnt matter cus my boyfriend wasnt there. Twice again i said no. 

By this stage he was leaning in and i began to feel a bit panicky. 

I began to back away anf continue to dance as if i was not aware of what he was trying, but kept my pint to my face so he couldn't get close.

He then used this as a means to go ahead and start to kiss my cheek and neck. 

I began pushing him away saying no again a further 3 times and backing away. 

I noticed we had moved back by like 5 or 6 feet. Thats how much he was pushing towards me.

He asked me about 5 times in a row

Kiss me kiss me kiss me over and over. 

I got flustered and tried to pinch the lady beside me to get her eye contact for attention but he stood between us. It wasnt easy to do anyway with a pint in hand. 

I tried to grab a passing womans eye as she passed but she was focussed where she was walking and didnt look at me.

By this stage i was backed up against a wall.

Him still trying and i kept saying no over and over.

Now hes like 6ft 4 very vert heavy built man and very wide and heavy. I felt trapped and every no i said from here on out... he groped my ass and thighs pulling me in.

I gave one big shove to the chest and said NO.  Told him i was off to fond my friend and he said.. aye sure you are.

But i literally ran off.

I seen his blue hair female friend and i pulled her  over and said about what happened but she shushed me.

Next thing Ginger walks over and stands on one side me (left) and puts his hand around the back of my neck and squeezes it very hard for 10 seconds. But it felt like forever.  I tried not to cry and she could see this. 

So she told him to bugger off so we could "girl talk". I offloaded the whole thing and told her this wasnt ok. I was triggered. My boundaries and consent was ignored and my relationship disrespected. And my body touched when it shouldn't have been. I felt the neck squeeze was a warning to shut up. She noticed him do this to me. 

 

She calmed me down and asked if i wanted to sit with her to be safe. I said no its ok and went out for fresh air and the min i seen gay bestie i broke down crying at the table. I sobbed through ths story again... and my mate was ready to break his legs. I told him not to interfere cus the moment hes physical hes in the wrong, not ginger.

 

But then in typical Jen fashion. I began blaming myself. And excusing Ginger as down to being drunk and usually a gent. My friend was mad at me for this. Blaming myself. 

 

I tried to get it out if my system and i said.. im speaking to Ghoster boy, he needs to know what his friend did to me.

So i pulled him.out of the bar to sit and tell him. 

He listened and kinda shrugged me off. Cus he was trying to play the dick head coward he wants me.to think he is. 

I broke down and asked him why he hates me.and why his friend has ***ed me in this way.

That just because i am in an open relationship.. and have history with Ghoster.. Ginger shouldnt have tried to take advantage of me nor disrespect my boundaries. 

Ghoster listened. And we had a big heart to heart about all the.problems as to why we didnt work. 

But i kept in mind hel never accept me as i am and that i cant be with him 

But he was so wasted he asked me to take him home. So i did. Im not heartless and wanted to ensure he was ok

 

But ofcourse he kissed me half way home. We held hands.. mostly so he didnt fall over.. and i got him.home ok. 

 

But naturally one thing led to another and we slept together again.

But thats when that switch flipped in my head. 

 

I was selfish. I put me first.

I had a traumatic experience at the hands of his friend. Ghoster was safe. I felt safe. But i took advantage of the come onto me he was doing as a way to find comfort and release. 

It threw  me back to being 18 and attacked and my whore days that followed. I felt dirty and objectified. So i literally used the sex chance to have my release. Take out my frustrations and have control over my body and decisions. I was consenting with Ghoster. He was familiar. 

 

So as selfish as i was.. i "got mine" got dressed and went to the bathroom. 

Left him alone in this room naked and snoring. 

I slept on the sofa until next morning where i could leave and get to my friends house. 

 

I finally felt clean again. That i had done what i wanted. That satisfied  me. I didnt use him. We used eachother in way. Nothing toxic about it.

But the sex for comfort. And the admittance of the ghosting. I felt at peace. I could walk away from  him.

No more upset or anger. No more *** or lust or wanting answers. 

I bid him goodbye when he got up the next morning and i closed that door behind me.

That'll be that on Ghosters chapter. 

While i feel a bit dirty and like im letting myself down for going back to the bed of someone who hurt me so, i needed it. It has helped me.move on a bit. 

He saved me from further altercation last night and gave me a good time. He knows without saying that it wont happen again.  And hes aware his mate isnt to come within 10 feet of me again. 

 

I am being urged to go to the police about the incident with Ginger. Maybe they can review cctv footage and soemthing be done about it. 

 

 

In all i told this story for a number of reasons. 

 

1. Never ever allow someone to break your boundaries. 

2. Never ever allow someone to touch your body without your consent.. or continue to do so.

Discreetly and if safe and possible try to find help where u can..pretend to smile so they suspect nothing. 

3. Getting closure from someone or soemthing isny always a bad thing. It can happen at any time. For me this whole thing brought on the confrontation to talk and silver lining is that closure and answers. 

4. If you want need and both consent.. find that comfort and closure in what ever way you want. Dont be ashamed and dont regret it. Everything  happens for a reason. 

 

5. Never ever feel like you are rhe problem for someone not listening to you. ENM poly or even a slut.. still doesnt give anyone the right to *** you into anything against your will. Just because you have slept with someone they know.. even if in a relationship, doesnt give them that right to be entitled. 

 

6. Never trust anyone alone. Sad to even say that but  this man was always a gent . I never ever expected him to be capable of such a thing. I thought he was my friend. Always be apprehensive. Especially when drinking. Stay public and dont go anywhere  alone. Stay with someone you know and trust.  And please dont be afraid to report any harassment someone gives you. No matter how much you feel they deserve a second chance.  They could ruin someones life if it happened again and you could have had the power to prevent it by speaking up.

 

I am ok. I dont need or want apologies or sympathy. I stood my ground and found comfort in that old flame. Took my closure and put the whole thing to bed. 

The point is i repeated my after thoughts and behaviour in taking sex as a release. As a comfort when i felt unworthy and dirty. But this time i have no shame for it and if someone wants to shame me (in my real life) il  close the door on them just as i did with Ghoster  

I'm not going to pretend that, partway through reading that, I wasn't bristling with anger and wishing I could have hurtled over to said bar last night to be in your corner.

But having read the rest and how things worked out, that has subsided and I'm just incredibly relieved, that's all I'm going to say.

I'm glad things worked out the way they did... the universe works in peculiar ways ❤

[Je****]

4 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

I'm not going to pretend that, partway through reading that, I wasn't bristling with anger and wishing I could have hurtled over to said bar last night to be in your corner.

But having read the rest and how things worked out, that has subsided and I'm just incredibly relieved, that's all I'm going to say.

I'm glad things worked out the way they did... the universe works in peculiar ways ❤

Oh i know my friend was the same when i told him what ginger done. 

 

But for me run than freeze is growth. 

For me to find safety and comfort  in a ghosting dickhead.. was my own personal let down... But it contradicts my need for it.

I didnt want to stoop.to that level for myself but at the same time i just wanted that outlet. 

Ghoster most likely only wanted the exact same from me. Emotionless physicals. Comfort. 

 

It is peculiar how it all panned out but i did feel a big relief and it was quite liberating closing that door behind me.

I can still hear the door latch click as it shut behind me. I feel it was a not so ideal but perfect ending to what turned out ro bw an ugly night 

Tomoro is a new day. Onwards and upwards

[Je****]

I also made the last nights events comment as a new forum.post. to highlight consent and boundaries and how we deal with them who ignore them. I felt it  an important  topic  on its own and should be highlighted