Subs are people too

[Da****]

1 hour ago, kimutu72 said:

Hi I know it's a guy chat, but like someone said always from the start tell your domme what you want and you dnt, get to know the person before deciding anything.

Name and shame any make belive domme to stop them from doing it to anyone else.

A true domme will be open with you and will tell you their expectations and limits and listen to what you want.

Always ask what experience they have, how they treat their subs and what they want.

NEVER EVER give *** to anyone as soon as they ask block them. 

Hope that helps 

PLEASE remember we are not all the same.

Good luck and happy hunting x

 

I agree with what you said, with one exception...that it's a "guy chat". The advice you have given is good for all subs and honestly for Doms too. Have a great day

[Da****]

Yesterday at 04:46 AM, Emunah said:

In your opinions what is the most ideal situation for a dom/sub ?

This is going to be different for everyone, but I believe there needs to be some basic foundation of trust and communication. That will give you a start.

[kimutu72]

I ment it as it was a guy who was struggling with these female dommes who were just after subs ***. With my subs I am ALWAYS open, honest and respectable and expect the same back which so far has happened. I have been offered *** from subs but respectably declined as i feel *** should not come into it, but there is alot out there

[ey****]

On 8/13/2022 at 12:46 PM, Emunah said:

In your opinions what is the most ideal situation for a dom/sub ?

one you are both happy with

this is something which may involve minor compromise.  But, it shouldn't involve an overhaul to the point you are resentful or hopeful of change which won't come.

There's a lot of different ways people enjoy (or want to enjoy) kink and the vast majority are valid - so if someone's way doesn't align with yours it won't be an ideal situation and you're probably not compatible. 

[kimutu72]

Me personally ask questions if your looking for a sub

are they looking to be a sub?

what do you think a sub is? 

what do you want from your dom?

what kind of dom are you looking for?

hard&soft limits?

if you are looking for a dom

What experience?

how many subs they have?

what kind of dom?

what does a sub get from the dom?

 always be open and honest, you will get that feeling if you guys will get on or not, if your still not sure meet up for a coffee and talk more, if its just coffee it is or it could lead to more. 

ALWAYS make sure its what you are looking for 

[An****]

I'd like to add that I take no issue with those seeking an actual findom relationship. Rather those that infiltrate our community treat us like easy marks. Im pretty upfront about what I am looking for in a Dom/sub relationship. So for someone to string me along only to ask me to go to a 3rd party app so that they can try some scam or to steal my info it's very hurtful to me and I'm sure it is to others. There's a reason they do it so much and that's because IT WORKS. We, as a community, and as individuals need to spread awareness and keep each other safe. Thanks again everyone!

[Dy****]

It's posts like this that cause me to recommit to the tenets of dignity and respect.

Submissives are a true gift to us Dominants. Not all submissives are designed for us, and we aren't designed for all submissives.

A lot of Doms forget too often, if it weren't for submissives, you'd probably be in prison.

[Deleted Member]

Subs are people too. And in my experience more courageous than dominants. I’m not a sub, but I always caution subs in this day in age to be careful when looking at partners. I’ve encountered quite a few so called dominants that are actually just ***rs. I’m this day and age where kink is almost mainstream, the dominant label gets used by people that just want to hurt people. And worse, I’ve also met with those subs who are permanently scarred by that experience. Remember subs, you have the power.

[Hy****]

PREACH

[Wi****]

Too true, I've been on many sites looking for a mistress or anyone to tie me up but anytime I connect with someone they end up asking for PayPal or cashapp payment. It's so annoying it's been tough and I've been tempted to try and give up on finding a bondage partner.

[An****]

The entire purpose of being a sub in it's essence is to be a tool to fulfill the doms desires. Many subs go looking for someone to fulfill their desires. This is why I will never pay someone to be a dom. Because it means they don't value me you. don't value the experience. The look in a doms eye when they're taking sick pleasure I'm whatever they are doing to me/ with me.... THAT, THAT is the reason I'm a sub. Beyond all the kinks, the specifics, the fetishes, You have to have THAT. You can't pay for THAT. THAT can't be emulated . And anyone that has THAT will not need much else from you. Because you're already the thing they want.

[Deleted Member]

Best way to meet people is still through traditional means. These sites can augment that but don’t hang your hat on any specific road. Also, don’t give up on vanilla dating. Just be open with your partner. You can always learn together when trust is established if one of you don’t have experience. Just be up front and open in your communication. D/S and BDSM existed king before the internet and dating apps. D/S and fetish lifestyles are not as atypical as they once were. You’d be surprised at how many “vanilla” dates can turn into something more non traditional. It’s up to you to make sure there is good communication. And be willing to explore what your partner wants too. In the days of the internet, people come on a dating site and create profiles with a checklist of their perfect person. We’ve all heard the expression “checks every box”. That just makes me roll my eyes. Be open and willing to put the work in to build a healthy relationship and if you want to branch out sexually make sure they know that up front. It’s a lot easier to find a right match that way then coming onto a web site and describing Superman or superwoman. And it’s even harder to become someone’s invented creation out of their imagination. I look for more open ended profiles and people that are willing to explore rather than someone that seems to know all of the answers.

[ey****]

3 hours ago, AndiBoi said:

The entire purpose of being a sub in it's essence is to be a tool to fulfill the doms desires.

Unless, I guess, that desire is to be bought nice clothing or taken to a nice meal?

3 hours ago, AndiBoi said:

Many subs go looking for someone to fulfill their desires.

the problem is that it often becomes about the *subs* desires

3 hours ago, AndiBoi said:

The look in a doms eye when they're taking sick pleasure I'm whatever they are doing to me/ with me.... THAT, THAT is the reason I'm a sub.

of interest; have you had that experience?

[An****]

3 hours ago, FaceVex said:

Best way to meet people is still through traditional means. These sites can augment that but don’t hang your hat on any specific road. Also, don’t give up on vanilla dating. Just be open with your partner. You can always learn together when trust is established if one of you don’t have experience. Just be up front and open in your communication. D/S and BDSM existed king before the internet and dating apps. D/S and fetish lifestyles are not as atypical as they once were. You’d be surprised at how many “vanilla” dates can turn into something more non traditional. It’s up to you to make sure there is good communication. And be willing to explore what your partner wants too. In the days of the internet, people come on a dating site and create profiles with a checklist of their perfect person. We’ve all heard the expression “checks every box”. That just makes me roll my eyes. Be open and willing to put the work in to build a healthy relationship and if you want to branch out sexually make sure they know that up front. It’s a lot easier to find a right match that way then coming onto a web site and describing Superman or superwoman. And it’s even harder to become someone’s invented creation out of their imagination. I look for more open ended profiles and people that are willing to explore rather than someone that seems to know all of the answers.

That's so easy to say from a dom male or sub female or even dom female perspective. However, i agree with the part about seeking the perfect all en-compassing partner. My criteria are literally, be a dom, be a female. wants me as i am. that's it. If we share kinks that awesome. That seems easy to find right? it's not. This platform is one of the best but i mainly use it to express myself and explore my passions. I think that's what these tools are really good for. I've only used the match tool a few times. Thats my point really. Im not desperate for a partner/dom but I'm treated. like i should be. Because most of us are. It makes me sad.. I could go be a top literally anytime. I dont enjoy it. because its not me. I wanna be me. Even if its by myself.

Edited August 16, 2022 by AndiBoi
typo

[An****]

On 8/13/2022 at 4:58 AM, GamerDom said:

I don't mean to sound rude but if you are not having this conversation about your needs with the partner of your choice then, you've been putting yourself through unnecessary emotional and physical ***. Your Dom should know this prior to entering the relationship with you. Speaking about past pleasures and limits both emotional and physical is the number one rule when starting a new sub/Dom relationship. I understand that you are frustrated but if you cannot communicate with your partner then the relationship is toxic and frankly dangerous.

You misunderstood me. Im not desperate. I'm Saddened. Literally you are assuming these things because thats the stereotype of the male sub. I do have conversations that's the issue. I explain who i am. what i want. i ask what you want. i ask the same questions of them. I want connection. i dont need sexual fulfillment from anyone. The thing is these people message ME. I dont jump in their inbox they jump in mine. They say they're looking for ME. They say whatever they think i wanna hear and then when I think ok maybe this isnt some BS. They ask me to switch apps or SOME BS. lol. But im not frustrated. Im calling to my own kind to be better. respect themselves. stop propagating this stereotype. I dont fall for these scams. I see them a mile away. The amount of them however is LUDACRIS!! hope that clears things up. This post wasn't a cry for help or a pity post. It's a rally cry. 

[An****]

34 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Unless, I guess, that desire is to be bought nice clothing or taken to a nice meal?

the problem is that it often becomes about the *subs* desires

of interest; have you had that experience?

In order of your questions.

When i say a subs desires, I was referencing the kink itself not the person.

You are absolutely correct, and this is why they become desperate. It's probably the main reason. One reason for the post was to call attention to that.

I totally have. It's the best.   

[Ga****]

16 hours ago, AndiBoi said:

You misunderstood me. Im not desperate. I'm Saddened. Literally you are assuming these things because thats the stereotype of the male sub. I do have conversations that's the issue. I explain who i am. what i want. i ask what you want. i ask the same questions of them. I want connection. i dont need sexual fulfillment from anyone. The thing is these people message ME. I dont jump in their inbox they jump in mine. They say they're looking for ME. They say whatever they think i wanna hear and then when I think ok maybe this isnt some BS. They ask me to switch apps or SOME BS. lol. But im not frustrated. Im calling to my own kind to be better. respect themselves. stop propagating this stereotype. I dont fall for these scams. I see them a mile away. The amount of them however is LUDACRIS!! hope that clears things up. This post wasn't a cry for help or a pity post. It's a rally cry. 

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 You're calling out the scammers?!?!? Dude it does not sound like that in your post. You get them anywhere.

[An****]

12 minutes ago, GamerDom said:

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 You're calling out the scammers?!?!? Dude it does not sound like that in your post. You get them anywhere.

I won't waste more time trting to exain something you can't possibly understand. You couldn't possibly make me feel like I'm wrong though so feel free to try all you want honey.

[Ga****]

12 minutes ago, AndiBoi said:

I won't waste more time trting to exain something you can't possibly understand. You couldn't possibly make me feel like I'm wrong though so feel free to try all you want honey.

Don't call me honey. I was not. And I understand how you feel as I am bombarded by them too. Most people on here are. Promise of something so sweet and real you can taste it, just for you to realize that it's a well executed script and you played your part just as they assumed. I get it. I just think it's funny to call them out. Like screaming on your front porch for them to stop. Your misconception is that is only happens to subs. And male subs at that. I'm not trying to change your mind. I could care less if you think male subs are the only ones that have a hard time finding a partner because of all the scammers. Well 'honey', I'm a female Dom looking for a female sub. It is just as hard.

[An****]

22 minutes ago, GamerDom said:

Don't call me honey. I was not. And I understand how you feel as I am bombarded by them too. Most people on here are. Promise of something so sweet and real you can taste it, just for you to realize that it's a well executed script and you played your part just as they assumed. I get it. I just think it's funny to call them out. Like screaming on your front porch for them to stop. Your misconception is that is only happens to subs. And male subs at that. I'm not trying to change your mind. I could care less if you think male subs are the only ones that have a hard time finding a partner because of all the scammers. Well 'honey', I'm a female Dom looking for a female sub. It is just as hard.

Again. I'm not calling them out. I'm calling out the people that settle for that. I am pointing them out yet. But not once did I say please stop scamming. I said please stop supporting it. Also not saying they don't target others. I'm saying we're targetted more often. I also admit that may be my perspective. But if you don't agree with what I say that's fine. But don't claim I'm saying something entirely different. If you feel I was wrong for expressing my feelings on it that's fine. I'll accept that you feel that way. I'm happy and content so it makes no difference. You're entitled to feel differently.

[An****]

27 minutes ago, GamerDom said:

Don't call me honey. I was not. And I understand how you feel as I am bombarded by them too. Most people on here are. Promise of something so sweet and real you can taste it, just for you to realize that it's a well executed script and you played your part just as they assumed. I get it. I just think it's funny to call them out. Like screaming on your front porch for them to stop. Your misconception is that is only happens to subs. And male subs at that. I'm not trying to change your mind. I could care less if you think male subs are the only ones that have a hard time finding a partner because of all the scammers. Well 'honey', I'm a female Dom looking for a female sub. It is just as hard.

I am sorry if I made you feel like I meant male dom's were the only ones that deal with this. I can see how that would be offensive. If you had said that in the first place instead of attacking me I would've agreed and apologized. I can't speak on your perspective. Only mine. But I see where you are coming from on that point.

[Ga****]

6 minutes ago, AndiBoi said:

I am sorry if I made you feel like I meant male dom's were the only ones that deal with this. I can see how that would be offensive. If you had said that in the first place instead of attacking me I would've agreed and apologized. I can't speak on your perspective. Only mine. But I see where you are coming from on that point.

I can see why you felt attacked but I sure as hell didn't mean it that way. I'm not sure what tone you read it in but I can assure you it was not hostile. I suppose we both misread between the lines.

[An****]

24 minutes ago, GamerDom said:

I can see why you felt attacked but I sure as hell didn't mean it that way. I'm not sure what tone you read it in but I can assure you it was not hostile. I suppose we both misread between the lines.

It means a lot to me that we came to understand each other a little better. Your struggle is just as valid as mine. I think connection is what we all really need. I know it's what I need. This is the best platform I've found to make those connections on. It is the first time I've been able to express myself and be understood in this way. That's the reason I felt comfortable making this thread. This was my first thread on fet. I didn't expect it to be the top thread and it meant a lot to me. This community means a lot to me. I am glad I learned something from you today. Ill remember in the future that we all have felt the struggle of being understood.. Thank you.

[gu****]

I tend to lean very much towards being a dom, and the subs I have known have all needed looking after one way or another, normally mentally to make sure they are not overwhelmed or find themselves in a position that they simply cannot control should there be an urgent need to do so. And it can crush their confidence if not respected. So my approach is to assume equal power 100:100%. Subs can lend me their power , up to 100%, but it is still theirs, and they can take it back at any time, expecting me to give it back immediately. I would and always do that, because that trust built means we can all enjoy our pleasures together. JJx

[An****]

56 minutes ago, guildford250 said:

I tend to lean very much towards being a dom, and the subs I have known have all needed looking after one way or another, normally mentally to make sure they are not overwhelmed or find themselves in a position that they simply cannot control should there be an urgent need to do so. And it can crush their confidence if not respected. So my approach is to assume equal power 100:100%. Subs can lend me their power , up to 100%, but it is still theirs, and they can take it back at any time, expecting me to give it back immediately. I would and always do that, because that trust built means we can all enjoy our pleasures together. JJx

I 100% agree with you guildford. Being a sub is very different than being co-dependent. Personally I’m very comfortable on my own. I enjoy being submissive. But only to those I deem worthy. I know a lot of guys who claim to be doms can get very possessive and jeleous. That’s not being dominant that’s being weak. We all have our struggles. I’ve been guilty of being codependent myself but I’ve grown out of that over time. And now I can actually enjoy submission when it occurs. I don’t need someone to live though to feel good about who I am. And to be strong when the need arises. Thanks for your perspective