How to deal with contrasting sex drives

[PhantomFlogger]

When I was younger, like most ***s and 20 somethings I had a high sex drive.

I wouldn't say it was too high, twice a day maybe, but not many of my partners could keep up with that. I think for me it was more about expressing my feelings and reinforcing that we aren't just friend.

Now that I am older and a little less horny I feel im fine with once a day, maybe every 2 days at a stretch.. but now everyone else is older and their sex drive has lowered too!

My last partner thought once every 2 months was more than normal and any more is just unnecessary, and this has been said or shown to me a few times over the last few years.

The bad thing is, to me it feels like rejection, and that makes me want physical contact more because now i need validation and such.

How do you deal with someone you care deeply about that gets annoyed when you come onto them?

In the last 6-7 years I've actually started feeling ashamed of myself for being so needy, its not like i just need to cum, i genuinely enjoy my partners enjoying me, but if the reaction to a passionate kiss and a butt squeeze is "stop it" how can you not feel like you've just been told to do one!

What is everyone's issue with cumming, why do they not want to?

Anyway.. rant over.

How does one negotiate this delicate subject?

Edited August 15, 2022 by PhantomFlogger
I do english bad

[ge****]

Communication is a good starting point - sitting down and discussing wants, needs and desires etc - see what can be done to re-kindle flames if necessary.
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Sex drive comes into it for sure, but sometimes there are underlying factors behind it diminishing, health, state of the relationship generally, age and more can all play a part so it's important to work on those or at least discuss them.
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Personally my mojo comes and goes at will and it's rare these days I self-pleasure, but put me in a sexual situation with another and my sex drive springs into life and can be re-ignited for some time after.

[Deleted Member]

I feel you. My sex drive has always been very high in comparison to my partners (always men, wish I had experience with women...). Well anyways, I feel like most people see this as a "I am just a piece of meat for you, you just need to cum" or "I need to step it up to satisfy you". The last one is what men do tell me, that they feel pressured sometimes to keep up with me or I'll leave/cheat/not be satisfied.
The funny part of it is that most of the time I don't orgasm with them. Only because I prefer focusing on my partner's pleasure. I am very giving in this way. Hey, but if I get to orgasm that's cool too. I can cum multiple times in a row so I won't complain.
I don't know. I assume you have talked about this with them? It is hard to understand if you don't have the same level of sex drive but a big part of dating is understanding that our partner is very different from us.

[PhantomFlogger]

2 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Communication is a good starting point - sitting down and discussing wants, needs and desires.

I do try this, try to express how i feel about rejection and being made to feel like a chore.

It usually falls on death ears and when pressed will 9/10 result in the partner getting annoyed that i wont accept an out right no without feeling unwanted.

[CopperKnob]

My view, I would be asking the question, what is it about sexual contact with others that you find validating and whether you can find that validation elsewhere as well as why you feel rejected when advances aren't well received and why you feel ashamed of a need. That's a lot of introspection and reflection but I think it's required because it's highly unlikely that you're going to find a partner who has the exact same sex drive as yourself, none of us are and so it boils down to compromise, but if you have those feelings/needs and you don't do the above, you're never going to be satisfied/feel at ease with yourself.

[roped_kitten]

If you have different drives, your partner may not realise the hurt caused or that it feels like rejection. You may need to tell them because although it's ***ful and obvious to you, their needs are met fully. They don't experience the loss you do...

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Is it also possible to discuss the approach? In a past relationship I thought I was clearly initiating sex but it wasn't blatant enough to get through to the guy. And in another, my ex tried to initiate in much the same way you describe. But he hadn't otherwise touched me at all, all day. I'm tactile; I need to give and receive little doses of affection often to be sure my feelings are known and to feel loved and desired. His technique was asking me to go from 0 to 60 instantaneously and it was actually a turn off. Things improved after talking but ultimately we were too different (in many ways, not just this).

[Deleted Member]

I would have to align with Gemini man a bit here. Communication is key. There may be reason why your partner’s libido is waning in their later years. It sounds like from the above that sex is a really big part of your love language. Experience has taught me that saying the word love and expressing it are very different things for different people. Knowing that sex is important and likened to intimacy and acceptance is important to know for you but is also important for your partner to know. That opens the door for communication and compromise. This will never be an easy conversation but just remember they may not know themselves as well as you know yourself. So patience and acceptance for them goes a long way in talking through this matter.

[PhantomFlogger]

7 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

My view, I would be asking the question, what is it about sexual contact with others that you find validating and whether you can find that validation elsewhere as well as why you feel rejected when advances aren't well received and why you feel ashamed of a need. That's a lot of introspection and reflection but I think it's required because it's highly unlikely that you're going to find a partner who has the exact same sex drive as yourself, none of us are and so it boils down to compromise, but if you have those feelings/needs and you don't do the above, you're never going to be satisfied/feel at ease with yourself.

I think its because i had a PD, i need to feel wanted, maybe i do it to make them want me more, maybe i do it to feel wanted, maybe its to create an attachment, something that makes me not just a friend, or simply i just want them to feel amazing.

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, Lillian4322 said:

I feel you. My sex drive has always been very high in comparison to my partners (always men, wish I had experience with women...). Well anyways, I feel like most people see this as a "I am just a piece of meat for you, you just need to cum" or "I need to step it up to satisfy you". The last one is what men do tell me, that they feel pressured sometimes to keep up with me or I'll leave/cheat/not be satisfied.
The funny part of it is that most of the time I don't orgasm with them. Only because I prefer focusing on my partner's pleasure. I am very giving in this way. Hey, but if I get to orgasm that's cool too. I can cum multiple times in a row so I won't complain.
I don't know. I assume you have talked about this with them? It is hard to understand if you don't have the same level of sex drive but a big part of dating is understanding that our partner is very different from us.

Oops I meant to say that last part as in "they should know". I have had partners that were exactly like you even though they also had other forms of love languages (like doing little things for me). Ultimately, though, sex is how they felt loved the most. For that same reason I always tried to tell them gently if I wasn't in thr mood (or what I needed to be). If I couldn't do it for them, I'd made sure to give them love physically and to reassure them. It was only temporary anyway, knowing my sex drive I was probably having sex with them hours later or the morning after.

But anyway, see if they truly see how they can adapt to your needs so you can also adapt to them. Lots, lots of talking.

 

[Chilled321]

This is exactly how it's been for myself.
Well written!

[Chilled321]

Although, I don't feel ashamed.
More that it took my confidence away.

[PhantomFlogger]

Too many times ive seen a partner get angry because ive told them that them not wanting to be intimate hurts me if its every day for weeks.

Like im not allowed to discuss it anymore once they say no that month

[CopperKnob]

6 minutes ago, PhantomFlogger said:

I think its because i had a PD, i need to feel wanted, maybe i do it to make them want me more, maybe i do it to feel wanted, maybe its to create an attachment, something that makes me not just a friend, or simply i just want them to feel amazing.

PD as in referring to your previous post?
Then if you've had PD and overcome it, that was likely via therapy and maybe more is required specifically in relation to this? So that you can understand the why's in order to be able to communicate your needs well?
Building on Lillian's comment, I'll add that a lot of the time, it's not just about the physical for me, it's also about the build up prior to that, in relation to my mind

[PhantomFlogger]

2 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

PD as in referring to your previous post?
Then if you've had PD and overcome it, that was likely via therapy and maybe more is required specifically in relation to this? So that you can understand the why's in order to be able to communicate your needs well?
Building on Lillian's comment, I'll add that a lot of the time, it's not just about the physical for me, it's also about the build up prior to that, in relation to my mind

Ive had therapy every week for 2.5 years or closer to 3, but we both know its not because of my sex drive 😅

[CopperKnob]

3 minutes ago, PhantomFlogger said:

Ive had therapy every week for 2.5 years or closer to 3, but we both know its not because of my sex drive 😅

Maybe it should be

[PhantomFlogger]

17 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Maybe it should be

Ive been single 7 years, regular sex is nothing but a fond memory at this point 😅

Anyway, thats another subject and this thread is about how do you compromise when its their body, sex isnt usually worth breaking up over, especially if they insist its my problem not theirs

[Antonio_PT]

Upfront! Don't take it.

[Deleted Member]

I think one of the earliest questions two people should discuss before getting into a steady intimate relationship versus something just casual is how often they need relief/sex/whatever. Each can be at different level as long as the lower libido partner is prepared to make up the difference otherwise I doubt the relationship can last without frustration/hurt/infidelity creeping in. My libido increased exponentially as I got older and it increases even further when I am in close intimate contact with a steady partner I am sexually attracted to (pheromones/visual/sensory cues?) so yeah I have this conversation early before commiting to a relationship and set out my expectations and needs. I'd rather be single than be in an intimate relationship where I am sexually frustrated most of the time, it's just too torturous a pathway for me.

[ge****]

5 hours ago, Toronto-DaddyDom said:

I think one of the earliest questions two people should discuss before getting into a steady intimate relationship versus something just casual is how often they need relief/sex/whatever. Each can be at different level as long as the lower libido partner is prepared to make up the difference otherwise I doubt the relationship can last without frustration/hurt/infidelity creeping in. My libido increased exponentially as I got older and it increases even further when I am in close intimate contact with a steady partner I am sexually attracted to (pheromones/visual/sensory cues?) so yeah I have this conversation early before commiting to a relationship and set out my expectations and needs. I'd rather be single than be in an intimate relationship where I am sexually frustrated most of the time, it's just too torturous a pathway for me.

While I'd agree with much of what you've said - I'd disagree that it's incumbent on the person with the lower libido to "make up the difference" - surely it's about *both* people working together to find a compromise, not just one of them?

[Ki****]

My ex made me feel exactly the same way, so i can definitely sympathise. There’s obviously give and take in a relationship but it sounds like your love language is physical touch so if you’re with someone who’s love language is different (or who doesn’t care what yours is) sadly the only real options are to accept what it is, or give yourself a chance to find what’s right for you. A high sex drive as you get older isn’t unusual (women can hit that peak in their forties thanks to hormones going crazy) so it’s about finding the right match. Also, some people value sex more than others as a way of connecting with their partner so again, it’s about finding someone who has the same sexual energy as you, not to mention someone will will work on any problems with you rather than making you feel ashamed about it. Don’t give up, though. There will be someone out there who’s right for you!

[roped_kitten]

16 minutes ago, Kinky_kat said:

My ex made me feel exactly the same way, so i can definitely sympathise. There’s obviously give and take in a relationship but it sounds like your love language is physical touch so if you’re with someone who’s love language is different (or who doesn’t care what yours is) sadly the only real options are to accept what it is, or give yourself a chance to find what’s right for you. A high sex drive as you get older isn’t unusual (women can hit that peak in their forties thanks to hormones going crazy) so it’s about finding the right match. Also, some people value sex more than others as a way of connecting with their partner so again, it’s about finding someone who has the same sexual energy as you, not to mention someone will will work on any problems with you rather than making you feel ashamed about it. Don’t give up, though. There will be someone out there who’s right for you!

Can confirm: _FAR_ randier in my forties than at any other age. Briefly wondered if I was yet at a problematic level but haven't had anyone complaining so decided to live and let myself live 😁 I would be having similar problems if still with some of my exes

[Ki****]

1 hour ago, roped_kitten said:

Can confirm: _FAR_ randier in my forties than at any other age. Briefly wondered if I was yet at a problematic level but haven't had anyone complaining so decided to live and let myself live 😁 I would be having similar problems if still with some of my exes

I once heard it called your ‘whortie’s’ and I am so there for that 😂

[Jinxy]

I would offer that it may be worth exploring what intimacy means to you. Physical touch and intimacy doesn’t just have to come in the form of sex. It could be that a compromise, in the times between when your partner is feeling up for sex, that you two experiment with other forms of physical intimacy such as massage, cuddling, kissing, etc. And I would also encourage having a conversation that would make it clear that these moments wouldn’t be a lead up to sex as that could be a reason for the rejection of those actions in the past. While finding a compromise is challenging, it’s not impossible. It just depends on what you’re both willing to meet each other halfway on. 
 

Good luck! 
Jinx