Vetting

[Mr****]

Well if you really get in there she can’t say no lol

[Deleted Member]

49 minutes ago, jzarvey said:

Whenever I get a sub that gives that answer, my next question is, "Then you won't mind donating to my pinky finger collection? I have gardening shears right here." Suddenly, the hard limits come out.

Lol… that would be a hard limit!

[Deleted Member]

Puppet hands. Ooo can I see, can we have a show 😇

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, SubBae said:

Lol… that would be a hard limit!

I'm obviously not serious and only negotiate with potential play partner in person, in a public place, so they obviously know I don't have garden shears with me. I then tell them that it is very dangerous to say they have no limits. Predators will take advantage of that, unfortunately.

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, jzarvey said:

I'm obviously not serious and only negotiate with potential play partner in person, in a public place, so they obviously know I don't have garden shears with me. I then tell them that it is very dangerous to say they have no limits. Predators will take advantage of that, unfortunately.

Predators are everywhere

[Deleted Member]

They tend to do whatever making things uncomfortable

[wh****]

A red flag for me is someone who tries to rush through vetting and does not respect your boundaries when you are in the terms of getting to know each other. A person that pushes for sex within a few days of talking is not someone I can trust with my life. A lot of discussions need to be had before anything sexual happens in person.

[Ga****]

It really depends on the vibe I get.

[CopperKnob]

I vet until I can't vet any longer unless I meet face to face and I only do that if I haven't felt any oddities
In terms if considerations, none of the below, (pretty basic list) are stand alone, definite red flags on their own but when things start building up they will do. It's also focussed on Dtypes rather than stypes but I guess somewhat transferrable...
.
"I am an old school traditional Dom"
There is one twue way and we won't be negotiating.
.
"I only play no limits and no safe words..."
I'll do what I like and only stop when I want to
.
"I have over X years of experience..."
Online
.
"I run my own local BDSM group..."
Because I fell out with all the community leaders locally
.
"Lets chat on (whatever messaging app they prefer)"
Because often those apps don't keep a record of the whole chat so you can't refer back to it. Some will also link to your other socials providing info about you that you haven't intentionally shared.
.
"You don't need to be part of the community and go to munches/events"
Because you'll suddenly realise everything we do together is wrong.
.
"I only speak in all CAPS to submissives on line"
Because that's how I show my authority.
.
"You will call me Sir/Master"
To prove how Dominant I am
.
"I don't use condoms for safe sex or birth control... you must trust me"
I have no concern for your health, my own or for the potential life we'll create together.
.
"I have a preference for young or new to the scene females..."
Because they lack life/kink experience and are typically more pliable so I can easily manipulate them
.
"I am a (insert title here), I am all about protocols, and I have strict ways you will do things and you WILL do them MY way"
.
"I teach classes, so I know things and you should listen to me"
.
"You won't need a safe word, trust me"
I'll decide when you've had enough. It'll be when I've had enough
.
They have "funny stories" about abusing and over riding consent, but it "ended well, so it's ok, they didn't mind later"
.
"I want you to do this thing you said is a limit"
.
"I only want a slave, but you can be my submissive"
Then treats you like a slave
.
Complains about false *** accusations that they've faced.
As opposed to considering that consent was not explicitly given or that they misinterpreted the situation.
.
"It's my job to push you past your limits in your exploration"
Limits are simply a checklist to tick off.

[CopperKnob]

2 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I vet until I can't vet any longer unless I meet face to face and I only do that if I haven't felt any oddities
In terms if considerations, none of the below, (pretty basic list) are stand alone, definite red flags on their own but when things start building up they will do. It's also focussed on Dtypes rather than stypes but I guess somewhat transferrable...
.
"I am an old school traditional Dom"
There is one twue way and we won't be negotiating.
.
"I only play no limits and no safe words..."
I'll do what I like and only stop when I want to
.
"I have over X years of experience..."
Online
.
"I run my own local BDSM group..."
Because I fell out with all the community leaders locally
.
"Lets chat on (whatever messaging app they prefer)"
Because often those apps don't keep a record of the whole chat so you can't refer back to it. Some will also link to your other socials providing info about you that you haven't intentionally shared.
.
"You don't need to be part of the community and go to munches/events"
Because you'll suddenly realise everything we do together is wrong.
.
"I only speak in all CAPS to submissives on line"
Because that's how I show my authority.
.
"You will call me Sir/Master"
To prove how Dominant I am
.
"I don't use condoms for safe sex or birth control... you must trust me"
I have no concern for your health, my own or for the potential life we'll create together.
.
"I have a preference for young or new to the scene females..."
Because they lack life/kink experience and are typically more pliable so I can easily manipulate them
.
"I am a (insert title here), I am all about protocols, and I have strict ways you will do things and you WILL do them MY way"
.
"I teach classes, so I know things and you should listen to me"
.
"You won't need a safe word, trust me"
I'll decide when you've had enough. It'll be when I've had enough
.
They have "funny stories" about abusing and over riding consent, but it "ended well, so it's ok, they didn't mind later"
.
"I want you to do this thing you said is a limit"
.
"I only want a slave, but you can be my submissive"
Then treats you like a slave
.
Complains about false *** accusations that they've faced.
As opposed to considering that consent was not explicitly given or that they misinterpreted the situation.
.
"It's my job to push you past your limits in your exploration"
Limits are simply a checklist to tick off.

If it's not already been said, you can vet for months, do everything 'right', still be none the wiser and find yourself in a dogdy/dangerous situation.
That's not a get out clause for not vetting.
If your gut instinct is telling you somethings wrong, it is. Trust your instincts.

[CopperKnob]

5 hours ago, urso_brasilia said:

How can you differ indecisive with nervous novices?

Generally (online at least) a newbie will have a relatively new acct or may have written that they're new in their bio. If not, then it comes down to effective communication. For me, it was obvious I was new, and i'm quite certain that it was obvious to the Dtypes I was chatting to because of the questions I was asking/general conversations.the only caution is that none of know everything but most know the basics.
There's nothing wrong with being new though, some may take advantage of that fact.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, GandG_inSD said:

It really depends on the vibe I get.

I always go with the "trust your instincts" approach, too. I NEVER play at first meeting, and only after knowing someone for a while.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, MrWolf817 said:

I ask then if I can fist them and make them my personal hand puppet that usually scares them enough to be real with me lol

What if they like fisting?

[Mr****]

Then we go with it and don’t spare the lube!

[Mr****]

There has to be a connection and time doesn’t matter

[Se****]

Anyone that tends not to have a green check by their name or they have fake blurry pics. If they don’t have a bio or much anything. They only have 1 pic. Sometimes poly relationships can be terrible on here I had a girl (who I’ll name vixen) on here we message I got nudes etc etc thought oh she’s calling me Master etc etc this is looking good then all of sudden it went from were texting to I’ll either get left on read or reply once a day.

[CopperKnob]

8 hours ago, jzarvey said:

Whenever I get a sub that gives that answer, my next question is, "Then you won't mind donating to my pinky finger collection? I have gardening shears right here." Suddenly, the hard limits come out.

But that's the point. SubBae isn't saying that they have no limits at all (if they were your comment would be an appropriate response). They're saying, I don't actually know what my limits are because
A) i don't have knowledge of all kink activities
B) i don't understand all kink acitivites
C) i don't know how i'll respond to all kink activities
D) because of all of the above, i plan on having a good conversation/s so that i can understand the potential risks/benefits in order to make an informed decision and therefore provide informed/enthusiastic consent if I choose to engage in a particular kink.
This is absolutely the right approach because we don't know what we don't know.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

But that's the point. SubBae isn't saying that they have no limits at all (if they were your comment would be an appropriate response). They're saying, I don't actually know what my limits are because
A) i don't have knowledge of all kink activities
B) i don't understand all kink acitivites
C) i don't know how i'll respond to all kink activities
D) because of all of the above, i plan on having a good conversation/s so that i can understand the potential risks/benefits in order to make an informed decision and therefore provide informed/enthusiastic consent if I choose to engage in a particular kink.
This is absolutely the right approach because we don't know what we don't know.

100% this… I basically have soft limits cause It’s open for discussion

[Fa****]

I vett for as long as I feel the need in that particular conversation. If they are pushing for meeting right away, red flag to me. Any real Dom will understand as subs we need to feel as comfortable as we can before that first meet.

Also, another red flag is no profile photo, profile not properly set up. They should want to take the time to give us a sneak ***k. Or when I ask for a face photo and it’s a modeling shot. That tells me it was probably pulled from the interwebs.

I could go on and on, if you ever have doubts about someone, red flag.

My DMs are open if you ever have any questions, I’m happy to help.

[Deleted Member]

I think it’s best to talk online for at least a week or so, and then meet up in public. It’s all about trust.😁 Red flags: listen to your gut, and always run it all by a trusted friend!

[Pe****]

Tuesday at 12:25 PM, kennyiam said:

My red flags are:
Close minded people. I believe that people should be open minded and at least give new things a try at least more than once so they know what it feels like before making a judgement.
Poor communication or course
Selfish people. People that only care for themselves and and take things from without a care in the world.

A red flag is someone not wanting to try something more than once they know they’re not into??? Your comment is a red flag!!! 🚩

[BruiseWayne]

On 8/16/2022 at 7:05 AM, SubBae said:

Thank you! I am so new to this lifestyle and I know I am *** to getting the wrong type of people coming into my DM’s.

Getting awful toxic people in your DMs is something that happens to everybody at every level of experience. Don't go thinking it's only you or there's something about you in particular that's attracting them.

 

If you find you're the type of person that continues FALLING for those types over and over again however that's something you'll probably have to try and work out in therapy though.

[Io****]

This is a great question you asked!
Vetting someone at your stage of experience cannot be undervalued, it is critical so please do take it seriously

Take the time to chat with a person online and on the phone and while you are doing so ask yourself are they paying attention to what you are saying and are they allowing you to be heard.

Ask yourself, what are they trying to sell you on!
Are they respectful to you! Do they value you and do they value the worth of a woman in the pink scene.

Red flags I’m rushing to meet you! So take it slow and careful.

Trust your gut above all else, and ask yourself would you let this guy, walk your dog🤣

When meeting for the first time, study him as he should be studying you!
Look how he treats you and treats people around him, does he say thank you to the waitress, does he seem friendly or over bearing, is he trying to impress you or is he playing a role.

Know your worth and know your value! And above all be safe X

[al****]

What is vett

[ey****]

2 hours ago, allentown194 said:

What is vett

vetting is any form of assessing a potential partner for safety or suitability before being satisfied to continue a conversation, meet, etc.