Advice on a new Polly relationship

[Je****]

37 minutes ago, ShowUtheropes83 said:

You’re jealous and negative. Comparing yourself already to others. This is very unattractive and ethical non-monogamous folk can smell it a mile off.
Put the work in and read the books - you’ve going to have to understand and unpack a lot of masculine traits around ownership and jealously. You’re going to have to learn to communicate better with all your partners. It’s not going to be easy but it can be very rewarding. Good luck and stay positive - it’s the most attractive you can be.

I have to disagree with you here. 

 

This is a safe place to vent.

 

Telling someone reaching out for herlp and advice that they are jealous and negative can make people withdraw and think twice about reaching out. 

 

Some poly things CAN be sought from books and research but it is down yhe to individual on how they handle their emotions. Past history with dating and obviously polyamory isnt as worldwide accepted as monogamy.

It can make other women distance as they dont fully understand or like the idea. So that would be on her /them to research not him... but if those women arent into it.. they realistically are not going to research anything and will move on. 

Jealousy is also a very human emotion. Very common and we have all felt it at some stage. 

Sometimes i get my jealousy mistaken for protectiveness and vice versa. 

I know i have those issues to work through and enable myself to grow. While im very open minded my struggles are my own and i need yo deal with those anxieties and worries. OP could potentially be in that same position. We just dont know. 

 

But even if he does feel jealous and perhaps negative.. doesnt mean hes doing anything wrong.  He will know this is where he needs to grow :)

[Je****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

One of the things you have to accept in poly is that your primary partner may have more dates, etc. than you.  And this is something you have to learn is a scenario that could happen

This is a very valid point. 

But i think its also wise to remember while one half may have those extra dates that yes someone may feel left out, but... theyre primary partner is always there for them. I think its how the couple manages it.

 

Having a primary is amazing and spending that time with your primary is comfort and assurance too.. but if the primary is busy spending time with everyone BUT you.. then theres an issue. 

I agree on supporting someone who has dates and time with another.. heck even for me, my person spending time with another can get my anxiety up but i am learning to control it and deal with it. Remembering theyre simply doing whats within our agreed boundaries and relationship lifestyle. That i have nothing to worry about and they will still love me the same whether theyre with someone else or not. 

But should they leave me at home.. not speak to me about struggles or exploring my own life and are out 5 days a week with someone else.. i would indeed feel left out and lonely. 

Depends on the circumstances too. If a primary couple have kids.. and one half is out all the time and the other half cant get a date due to childcare and their partner doesnt realise this or even care. Then again... issue. 

So many different aspects to consider there. 

 

But i do agree and beleive that some times women have it easier than men. Sometimes. But as someone said.. just because a woman has men flinging themselves at them even for nsa... its not exactly healthy. And yes.. a lot of women do want relationships and not flings. 

 

Then men find it harder to find a lady into poly or for dates but maybe they find women who just want the sex stuff and no actual connections. Or they are fobbed off as being like the thristy ones. 

Its really difficult all around. 

 

I get inundated with messages and offers from men. Rarely ever from women.

(One women i spoke to on tinder seemed nice but very fast turned it into a "i wanna take you on a date" and then started to be sexually suggestive and said she was only after fun. Which put me off. Its not what i want.)

A man seemed into me and when he learned that i was poly asked maybe 2 questions on it then proceeded to just ask me for fun and got sexual as he didnt like the idea i already had someone.

So because it wasnt for him.. he went straight to the sex side instead of getting to know me and when i said im not into nsa... he stopped replying. 

 

Ive also had real life dates and intimacies with people who i thought it was going somewhere and i ended up ghosted and that quite frankly fucked my head up for weeks. I got closure when i seen him out and he admitted it was because i had someone else he couldnt cope with that. 

A woman dated me even though she was hooked on her ex.. so i was basically being used as a rebound to to pass time but that was ok cus "i already have someone else and could date without consequence".

 

In society's eyes im a woman. In society's eyes my partner is a man. 

He has another partner/relationship. 

I dont. I really struggle. But we also made an agreement that while i do have a peep at whats out there relationship wise for me... he and i would start to do some fantasies. Not quite date 'together' as we keep things seperate.. but say.. do cucking and 3 somes..  and try all diff genders and sexuality types and all diff walks of life. Swinging ang sex clubs etc. 

Get us both in our comfort zone. To get used to sexing it up with other people together and once we find our groove we can go off solo with other people along the line. 

This was more conforting and reassuring for me knowing im exploring with my primary and vice versa. That whatever comes next will  be great and exciting and that way no ones left out.. no ones sat at home feeling jealous. Doing it as a team and best friends. Which is what i personally feel a relationship is about 

Edited August 17, 2022 by Finally_Jen
Typos

[sp****]

First of all keep in mind even for a mildly attractive woman that’s looking for sex they can find it in like 5 to 10 minutes. I’ve talked to women on tinder that are not even that attractive and they told me they have to sift through 1200 matches!  Unfortunately D**k is free. I have been on tinder for years and I can tell you that you have to treat it like a hobby.
I talk to my girls almost every day or try to. It’s rare that they just wanna be fucked, i’m not saying that it’s not out there but it’s just a bit rare. Once they become comfortable with you they will want sex almost as much as you do. You have to study body language, you have to be authentic, and you have to be able to plant a seed and wait many many months for it to grow.

[Do****]

I feel ya my hubby don’t get the same response as I do and harder for him
And lol we both got banned from tinder
Try 3 fun
And hey I am always looking for a nice spike FWB

[ey****]

one other bit of advice or common pitfalls.

In the world of mono dating then you are either in a relationship (and therefore shouldn't/wouldn't be looking for a relationship) or not in a relationship (in which case you might be)

There is a whole bunch of criteria in compatibility you would look for in a partner; but aside from this the basic dealbreaker on not to pursue is "are they already in a relationship?" 

in poly dating pretty much the opposite is true.

Exceptions obviously apply - but if you are a straight poly male seeking any form of additional relationships (or hook up) then prospective partners are likely to be to be women who are also poly and also in another relationship.

This is not to say things are impossible with a single lady - but unless she is also poly but happens to be single then the risks here are (a) she won't understand and think you are cheating. often a turn off (b) she may understand, but will want more of your time then you can reasonably give her - which may lead her to feel like she is an 'option' or 'second best' rather than you both fully embracing things.

OK so.

And of course you then might look at ladies who are poly but in relationships.   It is still important that you have stuff in common, can get on, etc. While there are ladies who are poly who do enjoy casual sex/play without it needing to be an extra relationship - there's still little incentive if she isn't going to enjoy spending time with you.

But there is also that she will have a primary partner, she will likely have a job, she will have life commitments,  there may be other partners.  They may even be kids.   So a lot of folk get 'polysaturated' where their time and commitments are squeezed to the point where they no longer have time/energy for anything *at that time*.

So particularly for men who are new to poly; everything you thought you knew about dating gets turned on it's head.  And that can particularly cause new poly guys to struggle.   

 

[RosesHaveThorns75]

On 8/17/2022 at 6:07 AM, cheekykhalid said:

Are some of you guys delusional?

You can be an overweight 300 pound White women on a dating app and still get 1000 matches. You can't be a fat ugly Man on a dating app. Certainly not in real life either. If you are average looking or below, you need to work your a** off for SMV. (Sexual Market Value) job, status, looks, etc

😲😲 Funny because I'm larger white female over 300 lbs so guess that's all my dating issues solved straight off then?!? According to you I'm the lower grade out there in dating but the world is still my oyster what utter BS 😆🔥 and I don't get 1000 matches/messages but even if I did I'm VERY carefull who I choose to chat to or connect with on any site because I deserve respect no matter what my size or shape or stature ☹️ you could do with keeping your size-ist sexist downgrading attitudes to yourself esp seeming as attitude is everything!!! 😬🧠🙈 unless you just like coming across as a disqusting tool in which case carry on regardless))

Edited August 18, 2022 by RosesHaveThorns75
Missing words/aspect

[Lostlilgrl76]

I appreciate your refreshing perspective on poly, and the interesting “challenges “ that each gender could face. Thank you for being a voice! ~Namaste

[Da****]

Being polyam is something you definitely need to research before you jump in, especially if you are married! Most of the “big block writers” in her are completely correct in their advice. Something I learned very early on is that just because one partner is having luck and the other isn’t as much, it doesn’t mean that situation can’t be switched the next week. She may have a play partner now, but in your early stages, things are emotionally chaotic. They may have a horrible breakup and she may come to you for comfort. Being able to sit and empathize with each other, no matter what you are going through is now so important. That is not the time to say “Gee, I’m so sorry you don’t have someone right now. Now you know how I have been feeling!” Or “You expect me to comfort you over a breakup when I haven’t had a date for x weeks?” Because relationships are fluid, constantly changing.
I know it seems rough for guys out there right now…But a lot of women aren’t looking for the same old thing anymore. We’ve got new priorities, new green and red flags, we value independence and TLC as equals! It’s not enough to show us that you can catch a big fishy, show me that you can cook it! Personally, I’m not a fan of hierarchical polyam (where you have a primary partner and secondary or something less important.) Be ready for therapy, it was one of the best things we ever did and still currently do!