Why is it people will match with me or view me but don’t ever want to chat

[Ar****]

To respond to a range of questions posed and claims made in this thread, in no particular order....

It's nonsense that most users here are fake. Sure you get some, and the site is typically really good at shutting them down quickly.

If people aren't wanting to chat to you, it's probably because you're not putting the effort into either your profile, or your messages. "Hey, what's up?" - really? Or it could simply be that they aren't keen on something - your location, your age, your kinks don't match. Maybe they're just really busy and have other conversations going on right now, or, y'know, life.

There is a portion of women here who believe they're on a pedestal. Some are just arrogant, no differently to many men - that's a people trait, not a woman trait. Others might be Pro-Dommes who have worked hard for a long time in order to be treated in such a way by their clients. Most women don't believe any such thing, at all. You could even note the counter-intuitivity of suggesting the plethora of slaves, submissives, degradees and other bottoms here think they're on a pedestal. It's a bit ridiculous, really.

Some people check out profiles to see if they are interested in getting to know you. Some people do it to try to learn more about somebody they've interacted with/seen commenting in the forums or chat room. Some people do it by accident. As I understand it, even declining (clicking 'X' on) somebody on the "Quick Kink" feature will cause you to show up as a visitor on their profile. 

Somebody remarked that they'd like to hear from any guys who'd had "success" from this site. Now - I don't think I'm particularly handsome, but I can scrub up alright. I'm not fit, my Dad bod seems to be expanding on a weekly basis. I'm not at all rich/wealthy. I'm a single parent half of my time and so don't even have a lot of availability. On top of that I'm disabled, with physical and neurological conditions which have an impact on my ability to function as a "normal" person. Sometimes I feel as though the only things I've got going for me are my integrity, my compassion, my empathy. Yet despite not being "a catch" - and granted having some nightmare experiences along the way - I consider my time here to be "successful". On top of the many friends I've made (including ones who are no longer on the site but whom I still keep in touch with via message, phone call or video chat) this site has given me dates which have led nowhere and dates where we've remained friends, given me playdates, given me friendships which led to more later on, given me lasting intimate relationships. So... it can be done.

[Deleted Member]

Bro just do you f**k them h**s. Just don't be a simp. Don't let them think they bring anything new to table except a bored out whole. Stay strong king.

[CopperKnob]

I'm jumping off of my pedestal (which I put myself on, thank you) to say the following (because it feels like these views are posted every week, regurgitating the same old, same old. On every single one of them there are the "me too" comments as well as the "this is what you can do to improve your situation" (which are largely ignored) and it's becoming dull).
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But before I get to the truth of the matter, a question to those who are saying that this app is shit/all femme profiles are fake, if that's your perception, why are you here, why are you wasting your time?
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Most women on dating sites don't 'need' a man. We have our own jobs, we have our own homes, cars, friends and family.  We no longer 'need' to enter into a relationship/marriage for economic stability/to have children etc.
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Unlike our parents generation, we have the ability to meet our own needs.
This means we are waiting til later in life, (once the frontal lobe has fully developed and we've matured enough to know ourselves well) to find someone that we actually like, rather than settle.
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But, just because we don't 'need' a man, doesn't mean we don't 'want'one. However, we 'want' a man/men who have accomplished the same for themselves.
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We aren't looking for the fittest, best looking, highest earning, 'alpha' guy. We aren't hypergamous. We're picky about who we chat to online with a view to a meet because, not only do we not 'need' a relationship as previous generations did but also due to the increased risk of ***. That means that we don't just respond to your "hey, how are you" message or variations of it (which is lazy).
We're also looking at your profile, we check out your pictures (for effort, not simply looks) and we check out your activity including kinky ads and any forum posts. If there's nothing that interests us we won't reply because there's nothing to reply to.
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This isn't an issue of us having a lot more choice either. If I get 10 men each sending me a copy paste message (and yes, we can tell) in some sort of ***tergun approach, where it's clear that we have nothing in common, they're all too far away, have made no effort to read my profile or haven't bothered trying to make conversation then, there is no choice. That's like me coming home to 10 different leaflets listing different fast food menu's when all I actually want is a nice homemade lasagne.
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The majority of women in the world of dating, are simply looking for a guy whose got their shit together, can hold a conversation and we actually have a connection with.
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If you put as much effort into writing a profile and a message as you did whinging about a lack of 'luck' on dating sites (it's not luck) you'd do a lot better.
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(Climbing back onto my pedestal with popcorn)

[ST****]

You all need to quit with these 5 paragraph essays

[ze****]

Dude I get very few talk at all to me either it make it soo much more if people would just respond .

[ge****]

6 hours ago, Random_npc said:

Bro just do you f**k them h**s. Just don't be a simp. Don't let them think they bring anything new to table except a bored out whole. Stay strong king.

Really? Bet you're a real charmer with that approach!!

[ge****]

3 hours ago, STL_89 said:

You all need to quit with these 5 paragraph essays

Perhaps if you read them rather than dismissing them you might actually see that there are a lot of valid points within that may actually help you improve your experience and in doing so, that of others.
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Too often we see men bemoaning their lack of "luck" and blaming it on everything but the thing that is actually to blame for not finding what they hope to find on sites like this....themselves and their approach, attitude or expectations, all of which they are able to change without needing anyone else.
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Perhaps if those guys actually took the time to read and digest what they are being told, and acted on it, the experience would be better for all.
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There I kept it to four paragraphs...better? 😊

[ge****]

3 hours ago, zearing249 said:

Dude I get very few talk at all to me either it make it soo much more if people would just respond .

Perhaps give them something to respond to? Not just in your messages, but your profile, pics and interactions generally?
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Perhaps instead of expecting, or feeling entitled to a response, you accept that most people won't respond unless there is an interest there, and it's not possible to interest the vast majority of people.

[Ar****]

4 hours ago, STL_89 said:

You all need to quit with these 5 paragraph essays

Of course the guy who doesn't message more than "Hey, what's up?" only to be greeted by tumbleweed would think this 🤦‍♂️😂

[Fa****]

Tis annoying!! I think some people might be looking for freebies or depends on how filled out your profile is.

[Nylon-Nellie]

On 8/20/2022 at 3:29 AM, bootedboy214 said:

I find this to be annoying for someone to match or view me and not even say a hello or comment on me at all I’m not seeking attention in anyway but kinda bugs me because I’d like to chat with everyone and get to know people and make connections but why doesn’t anybody want to reciprocate that

You are not seeking attention but yet you have a pop at those that view your profile without leaving a message or comment?

Why not send the person who has looked at your profile a message? Works both ways. I tend to look at profiles to see more about this person. Simple really. If there's something on their profile that has piqued my interest, then I will message the person.

[ey****]

elsewhere I got a message from a guy (who presumably hadn't read my profile) with a message that simply went "Wanna chat?"

I did the same thing I always do to messages like that.   I replied "About what?"

In this specific case, it's 5 days later, the guy has been online, but hasn't replied (oooh, does that mean I can accuse him of ghosting?!)

What usually happens is either; no reply, "what would you like to talk about?" or going straight in with the "I wanna be your sub" (concluding they hadn't read my profile)

In each of these - they had placed the burden of conversation onto myself.  They wanted to talk, but they wanted me to carry the conversation.

This is exhausting.   And it happens to women all the time.    Guys want to talk but don't have anything to talk about so want the person they are messaging to do all the heavy lifting.  

So this is why people don't reply your "What's up?", this is why people stop replying when they're stuck in small talk hell.   It is exhausting, it is draining, and they are not responding for their own wellbeing.

Conversations shouldn't be exhausting. They shouldn't be hard work. If you are making them exhausting, the other person is not going to respond.   And while the kinda weak contact or half-arse profile doesn't mean you're in any way a bad person, the signs it flares up is "dealing with you will be a chore" when it shouldn't be. It should be fun.   

[Deleted Member]

A profile picture might help. Some people won't respond to people without one.

[ST****]

13 hours ago, gemini_man said:

But here's the thing - sending "Hey, what's up?" messages will get you nowhere - it shows lack of effort, gives the person you're sending the message nothing to go on, or reason to want to reply, and comes across like you expect them to do the running and open the conversation.
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Everything you need to improve your chances of getting replies is within your hands, read my earlier post for ways you can do so.

Well I can't just lead with "Hey lemme suck your toes." I wanna see if she even wants to chat.

[ey****]

8 minutes ago, STL_89 said:

Well I can't just lead with "Hey lemme suck your toes." I wanna see if she even wants to chat.

oh jesus f**king christ

"What's up?" is not seeing if someone wants to chat

"Hey, so I read your profile, we have some things in common, I am into x, y and z - I see you like this which is a mutual interest, what do you think about this?" is seeing if someone wants to chat (substituting words for mutual points of interest)

[CopperKnob]

42 minutes ago, STL_89 said:

Well I can't just lead with "Hey lemme suck your toes." I wanna see if she even wants to chat.

The thing is, we're all here to 'chat' but, writing "Hey", "Hi", "What's up?" isn't going to get you a response unless, the receiver finds you extremely attractive and your profile is particularly well written and they look past the lack pf effort in the message.
If you're messaging someone, give them something to respond to and chat with you about.
It's not that difficult.
How on earth are you all approaching people in real life? The mind boggles, it really does

[Lo****]

Of the men who look:

Many are either too young or in Germany. I don’t bother looking back.

Of the ones who are in the UK and in the right age group, many are not attractive to me so I don’t bother looking back.

Of the ones I do find attractive and look at, many haven’t bothered to write anything on their profile, so I’m not interested. 

Of the ones who have bothered to write something, many have specific interests that don’t interest me.

 

Of the men who write:

If it’s obvious they haven’t read my profile, I’m not replying.

If it’s an obvious mailshot, I’m not replying.

If it’s a single lazy line, I’m not replying.

 

People who make an effort get results. If you can’t be bothered to make an effort, don’t complain when you don’t get results.

 

[CopperKnob]

8 hours ago, zearing249 said:

Dude I get very few talk at all to me either it make it soo much more if people would just respond .

"It would make it so much more if..."
People actually bothered with writing a profile and sent a decent message showing us who they are and inviting conversation. We may then actually respond 🤷‍♀️

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, STL_89 said:

Well I can't just lead with "Hey lemme suck your toes." I wanna see if she even wants to chat.

Then give them something to chat about 🤷‍♀️

[ge****]

1 hour ago, STL_89 said:

Well I can't just lead with "Hey lemme suck your toes." I wanna see if she even wants to chat.

As eyem points out - there are a million and one ways to check if someone wants to chat beyond "Hey what's up?" and other derivatives of it - and even if that someone did want to chat, do you really think they're likely to be responsive to "Hey what's up?"
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Put some effort in, show you've read their profile and are interested in them the person, not them the fetish provider, give them something to respond to - "Hey what's up" is lazy, suggests you have no interest in the person and 99.99% of the time likely to get you nowhere.
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You don't have to write War & Peace but a few lines - question is are you prepared to make the effort, or do you want to continue to run the fool's errand?

[ge****]

32 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

Of the men who look:

Many are either too young or in Germany. I don’t bother looking back.

Of the ones who are in the UK and in the right age group, many are not attractive to me so I don’t bother looking back.

Of the ones I do find attractive and look at, many haven’t bothered to write anything on their profile, so I’m not interested. 

Of the ones who have bothered to write something, many have specific interests that don’t interest me.

 

Of the men who write:

If it’s obvious they haven’t read my profile, I’m not replying.

If it’s an obvious mailshot, I’m not replying.

If it’s a single lazy line, I’m not replying.

 

People who make an effort get results. If you can’t be bothered to make an effort, don’t complain when you don’t get results.

 

At least I know why you never look at me now 🤣😂

[PJ****]

Did someone say lasagne? 😶
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This is another one of those threads so I'm not going to get too involved lest I spend half my sunday arguing with people or figuring out who's supplying the cheesecake so just suffice to say.. there have been some good points made as to why you might not have found much success so far. I'd advise trying to follow some of them and see where you get.. 🤷‍♂️ imagine you're talking to someone you dont know in a bar/restaurant etc.. 'hey wassup.... (long awkward pause 😬😂)' isn't going to cut it most of the time.
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If it helps I just chat to people how I talk to my friends, my usual, slightly odd, sarcastic cheeky way.. if someone doesn't respond to that or just outright blanks me I figure it's a win because if they dont get my sense of humour then we probably wont get on too well anyway 🤷‍♂️

[ol****]

Ah, this thread only seems to prove the art conversation, much less the art of seduction is dead. Hardly surprising as the education system has dumbed down over the years.

To the guys, this whining makes you look weak. Just Stop. There is good advice in this thread, just take it.

 

[Me****]

Yesterday at 12:30 AM, eyemblacksheep said:

there's often threads like this which throw up assorted projections also

"it's common courtesy to reply" 

ok

this is individuals and their decisions, not a customer service desk.   If we take an extreme example of it taking someone 2 minutes to look at a message, check out the senders profile, then write a brief message saying "sorry not interested" if they're not or a "hey let's chat" if they are.   And they log on to, 50 messages.   Should they spend 100 minutes replying to every one?  Equally, one would assume that during sending these 50 replies, some people reply back.  And if, say, 5 are worth a reply, then by the time you get through this 100 minutes you then are "who were they again?" when they reply to your message - and then other people see you are online so send a message - and the entire evening is spent replying messages through courtesy to the point of burnout.

Add in.  That no matter how nice the "sorry not interested" message is, there are always those who will challenge it - which again adds time.

But, I've used this analogy before. If you come home to a pizza menu through your door you don't write a letter to the pizza place thanking them for their menu but you don't like pizza - same reason you don't reply junk email.

"it's easier for women - she just needs to say hi"

do you not think that is in it's own way harder for women?  that if she did make the first move that the guy would flap to try to get a date from it, not because he was interested in HER but because he was interested in any crumb of attention?  Do you not think that's a bad thing and that the low standards men hold is actually insulting to women?

Ditto if you message more than a handful in a short period - it just gives the vibe you're not interested in them, you're interested in anything and that is why they don't reply

there are thread after thread where women have said stuff like this - that they research guys before replying and that the ***tergun is often a dealbreaker.  But that also would check forum posts and stuff like entitled and misogynistic comments is also a dealbreaker.

People talk about 'competition' and too many men - but you know the biggest competitor that a lot of men can't beat?  That most the women on the site don't need any of us.  It's not the 70s, women can have bank accounts and drink in bars.  So women would rather have patience and pursue things with someone who is a good fit, than settle for someone who is a bit shit but available.  Men should do the same. 

 

This advice is absolutely stellar

[ST****]

15 hours ago, gemini_man said:

As eyem points out - there are a million and one ways to check if someone wants to chat beyond "Hey what's up?" and other derivatives of it - and even if that someone did want to chat, do you really think they're likely to be responsive to "Hey what's up?"
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Put some effort in, show you've read their profile and are interested in them the person, not them the fetish provider, give them something to respond to - "Hey what's up" is lazy, suggests you have no interest in the person and 99.99% of the time likely to get you nowhere.
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You don't have to write War & Peace but a few lines - question is are you prepared to make the effort, or do you want to continue to run the fool's errand?

It seems pointless to put in all that work for someone who might not even check her messages. I'd respond to "hey what's up" because I already assume we're all on this app for a reason.