The Inferior Stype

[CopperKnob]

The Inferior Submissive

In every sub’s life, there is a moment when you realise your Dominant’s requirements supersede what you’re willing to give. Maybe you’re a bottom, and she wants a sub.
Maybe you’re a sub and he wants a slave.
Maybe you’re a slave, and they want a cult.
Maybe she wants you to quit your job. Maybe he just wants to tell you how to handle that job.
Maybe they want poly or punishments or edgeplay when you’re just there for the kinky romance.
Whatever the shape of their demands, you’re left with two options: Give them what they want or find a more appropriate partner. Of course, your Dominant won’t posit it that way. No. They're completely au fait with your inferior submission. You’re so incredibly lucky to have a Dom/me who’s willing to accept your weaknesses.

This is how you begin to see your boundaries as frailties: One silent accusation at a time. They’ll never vocalise their disappointment, of course, but you’ll see the derision in the way they vanish every time you express a limit.

Silence is loud, so you begin to wonder if you’re as submissive as all the other subs. The answer will be, “No.” not with them. You've officially failed at kink, and if you continue to fail, you’ll never find true love. Everyone will find out you’re an imposter, and then you’ll have to give up on BDSM entirely.

That’s not an option for you.

The trouble with submission is that it’s so damned...submissive. You know D/s is integral to you. You can’t love any other way, so you decide to become a better s-type. You say, “Yes.” You say, “Always.” You say whatever it takes to restore their belief in your value. It works... for a while, but your anxieties gather in your stomach like rocks. Suddenly you’re carrying so much weight you can barely move.

At this stage, you have two options: Hold them responsible or blame yourself. You’re a good sub, so you choose the latter. You swear you’ll become a real sub any second now. When you do, your Dominant will finally see you as worthy.

You won’t become real, though and they won’t see you as worthy because they're not looking for a living being; just a wooden doll to glue kinks to.

We’ve all watched Pinocchio, so we know he becomes real in the end: Brave, truthful, and unselfish, just like you’ll be one day. The real version of the story isn’t quite as cheerful. The original version sees Pinocchio bound and hung by his neck from an oak tree.

“His breath failed him and he could say no more. He shut his eyes, opened his mouth, stretched his legs, gave a long shudder, and hung stiff and insensible.”

This is the ending you choose when you worship submission instead of loving yourself. There is no Disney ending to this story; just a Master who refers to their puppet as a “wretched boy."
Let’s return to the beginning. In every sub’s life, there is a moment when you realise your Dominant’s requirements supersede what you’re willing to give. You’re left with two options: Give them what they want or find a more appropriate partner.

Which option will you choose?

[Deleted Member]

Excellent post. Its because they are a fake Dom. I would argue that a lot of Dom/Dommes are fake as fuck. They only care about their pleasure. What they can get from the dynamic. They posit as pushing your boundaries. When actual fact its an excuse to exercise their inherent narcissism. That's why there are Soft and Hard limits. That's why there is safe words. That is why there are SSC and RACK. That's why there are etiquette, rules and boundaries. Yet I see daily some not following those simple rules. They aren't there to grow and learn. Their there to take. Excellent post. Well said and good luck in your journey.

[CopperKnob]

13 minutes ago, SilverSorcerer said:

Excellent post. Its because they are a fake Dom. I would argue that a lot of Dom/Dommes are fake as fuck. They only care about their pleasure. What they can get from the dynamic. They posit as pushing your boundaries. When actual fact its an excuse to exercise their inherent narcissism. That's why there are Soft and Hard limits. That's why there is safe words. That is why there are SSC and RACK. That's why there are etiquette, rules and boundaries. Yet I see daily some not following those simple rules. They aren't there to grow and learn. Their there to take. Excellent post. Well said and good luck in your journey.

I think in part that's true, that there are those who present as Dom/mes who have little understanding of D/s.
I also think that it can be true of any Dtype who may value their own wants/needs over and above the stypes but it doesn't neccessarily equate to them being a fake.
Lastly, I think that stypes can be our own worst enemies

[sw****]

Choose option 2 - get outta there and look for someone more compatible.  Of course this happens in vanilla relationships too - I've settled for things I wasn't happy with due to low self esteem in the past.  I'm much stronger now and will make my choices based on what I need and not try to fit someone else's mold even if I really want to.  Lol I'm looking like more of a slave and honestly I'm jealous of brats, but it just isn't my personality.  So I wouldn't try to be bratty for someone who prefers a brat.  As subs we need to care for ourselves and do what's best for our emotional needs. It's not all about the Dtypes.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think in part that's true, that there are those who present as Dom/mes who have little understanding of D/s.
I also think that it can be true of any Dtype who may value their own wants/needs over and above the stypes but it doesn't neccessarily equate to them being a fake.
Lastly, I think that stypes can be our own worst enemies

Yes maybe I am being too general. Maybe it more a lack of self awareness than being "fake". I might consider not using that terminology anymore. It is disparaging. Rather than constructive.

[CopperKnob]

2 minutes ago, SilverSorcerer said:

Yes maybe I am being too general. Maybe it more a lack of self awareness than being "fake". I might consider not using that terminology anymore. It is disparaging. Rather than constructive.

Yeah, ot's an easy word to use and one that's thrown around here frequently.
To pick up on sweet_librarians comment, it can also be as simply as a matter of incompatibility

[Deleted Member]

Truth there, it is thrown around a lot. Mmm just that reflection shifts frame of reference. Librarian excellent comment also.

[Se****]

You, lovely person, write some truly fabulous content. Thank you. 

I needed to read this. 

I have often tried to modify myself to fulfill someone else’s ideal. All it does is make me feel terrible about myself. 

Personality or s type traits I don’t know but I hate not being able to please people and keep them happy. It isn’t a good quality and life would be a lot simpler if I simply expressed my wants and needs - I don’t appear to be able to as yet. 

However, I am getting closer as I have walked away from a couple of things that were wrong for me instead of succumbing to what I know was wanted from me. 

Basically, your writing resonates and thank you xx

[PanamaJoe]

This just sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Honestly - my thinking is that if you approach kink as a way to 'get off' then either you or someone else will get hurt.   But if you approach it through the lens of looking at it as getting into a real relationship, then the chances of someone getting hurt greatly diminishes.   Not zero, but greatly diminished.

I mean... if you're in a dynamic and the other person is constantly pushing you and never showing an interest in your distress level... is that even a relationship?   Or are you just being used?   The funny thing - this can happen in any vanilla relationship too - and for any gender.   The point is that if you're constantly feeling bad... then something is wrong and things need to change.   It's not just about you becoming a better submissive - it's about the relationship giving something back to everyone in it.   If you're not getting what you need, then it's just wrong.

[CopperKnob]

24 minutes ago, Freetobare said:

You, lovely person, write some truly fabulous content. Thank you. 

I needed to read this. 

I have often tried to modify myself to fulfill someone else’s ideal. All it does is make me feel terrible about myself. 

Personality or s type traits I don’t know but I hate not being able to please people and keep them happy. It isn’t a good quality and life would be a lot simpler if I simply expressed my wants and needs - I don’t appear to be able to as yet. 

However, I am getting closer as I have walked away from a couple of things that were wrong for me instead of succumbing to what I know was wanted from me. 

Basically, your writing resonates and thank you xx

It's a story I know all too well. Glad you're working on it

[CopperKnob]

20 minutes ago, PanamaJoe said:

This just sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Honestly - my thinking is that if you approach kink as a way to 'get off' then either you or someone else will get hurt.   But if you approach it through the lens of looking at it as getting into a real relationship, then the chances of someone getting hurt greatly diminishes.   Not zero, but greatly diminished.

I mean... if you're in a dynamic and the other person is constantly pushing you and never showing an interest in your distress level... is that even a relationship?   Or are you just being used?   The funny thing - this can happen in any vanilla relationship too - and for any gender.   The point is that if you're constantly feeling bad... then something is wrong and things need to change.   It's not just about you becoming a better submissive - it's about the relationship giving something back to everyone in it.   If you're not getting what you need, then it's just wrong.

Oh! I wasn't thinking lawsuit when posting...

[PanamaJoe]

Oh - I understand you weren't thinking lawsuit... but when a person is pushed really far, there is alot of trauma that can occur.

I don't mean to use this word lightly, but it's the only thing I can think of that is an apt description.   It's like a form of mental-***.   When someone pushes you where you don't want to go, then it's a form of ***.   I mean, like it or not, but people get over physical trauma quite easily.   I'm sure there are many people willing to say they love being whipped or candle waxed and they just brush it off.   But mental trauma... that is very tricky.   If you're not careful, it can take years of recovery and even therapy.

So, I'm just saying that for some people going through the process you're describing... they might see themselves as truly being victimized after getting through it.   And if they were victims... should they not seek justice in a court of law for being ***d?   But at the same time - this can be very tricky because maybe the person did want the dom to 'push their boundaries' and just didn't know when to say 'enough'.   I would not envy the judge in that case - but the laws are pretty clear.

Anyway... just food for thought.   But doms should be very careful of how hard they push.   In some cases, the scars can be so deep that a person might feel they need a redress in a court of law in order to feel they have any chance of healing.   One thing I found... all humans are irrational... so adjust your thinking accordingly.

[Deleted Member]

Beautifully written x

[Deleted Member]

"you're left with two options"

I think you have another one you haven't explored, which is to communicate with your D-type. Conflict isn't easy for anyone, and especially hard to manage in a D/s relationship, but in one that's worth sticking with, you should be able to talk about these things.

[Deleted Member]

Brilliant post.

Fits like a glove with my recent experience and I chose option 2 without any hesitation after 3 days.

With the right Domme I could choose option 1 more easily as our time together increases. It's called trust and faith isn't it?

Edited September 2, 2022 by Deleted Member

[uTgh4K33]

Beautifully written and thank you for sharing your feelings. 
That said, this makes me really sad. It's obviously about an unhealthy relationship and nothing I would like for me or my partner. "In every sub’s life, there is a moment when you realise your Dominant’s requirements supersede what you’re willing to give", I agree this could eventualy happen, but that's why communication should be the key in every relationship. For me is unthinkable to ask or take anything from my partner that wasn't freely given, what's more... I'm a lot more concerned about what I can provide for him. We both are open to trying new things (you don't know if you like it until you try it, right?), but I would feel betrayed and very sad if he felt the need to lie to me like that at any point. 
I'm guessing you had very horrible relationships. I've had my few too, but it's never late to learn and find someone you can communicate with. What you described wasn't an inferior submisive way of life... What you described was ***. I'm not an expert by any means, but I really hope for most people those two concepts are not the same...

[CopperKnob]

Friday at 11:17 PM, uTgh4K33 said:

Beautifully written and thank you for sharing your feelings. 
That said, this makes me really sad. It's obviously about an unhealthy relationship and nothing I would like for me or my partner. "In every sub’s life, there is a moment when you realise your Dominant’s requirements supersede what you’re willing to give", I agree this could eventualy happen, but that's why communication should be the key in every relationship. For me is unthinkable to ask or take anything from my partner that wasn't freely given, what's more... I'm a lot more concerned about what I can provide for him. We both are open to trying new things (you don't know if you like it until you try it, right?), but I would feel betrayed and very sad if he felt the need to lie to me like that at any point. 
I'm guessing you had very horrible relationships. I've had my few too, but it's never late to learn and find someone you can communicate with. What you described wasn't an inferior submisive way of life... What you described was ***. I'm not an expert by any means, but I really hope for most people those two concepts are not the same...

I think, that there are many reasons why an stype may feel inferior or, for want of a better word/phrase, not submissive enough.
For me, it comes down to various factors
Incompatibility in kink, different interests
Inability to communicate well, on both sides
It's sometimes even a feeling of self doubt relating to overthinking which isn't even warranted
I don't think it's always about one party being abusive towards the other/s though, it may be.
Don't feel too sad, we've all been in situations where we've realised we can't give someone something they want and if it can't be resolved then things will naturally come a to conclusion one way or another. That's life, vanilla or kinky