Do I hate trying to date absolutely anyone?

[Sl****]

(I really apologise if any of this comes off as rude, I honestly don’t mean it to be rude but it is filled with a bit of sarcasm and.. slightly negative tones 🙏😅🌹. I do tend to post unfiltered, raw emotional stuff on here because I feel it’s the only place I can?)

Start off is. On regular dating apps everyone has a goal unless they “don’t know what they want” which in my silly opinion I think you shouldn’t be on a dating app if you “don’t know what you want”. Do some research and some self care, delve deep into yourself from time to time and find what you want.

Secondly. When it comes to actually talking to people, on a regular dating app I just have a bunch of questions to see what they are like and then it’s like… I talk to them for some hours and want to advance it but I never can. (If they fit the criteria).

When it comes to places of like this type of community, where a lot of my “questions” are already answered, there’s no point in messaging anyone? Because everyone has the same goal and I’m just not going to try and “compete” in this rat race to get the person I’d like to connect with.

For instance mostly on here if I ask for people’s hobbies and things, they usually don’t say anything back. My absolute ideal scenario is someone I like talking to (either friend or stranger) just does it. They confess or they say something like “I want to move this further” etc etc. yadayada.

I don’t want to ever try and “date” someone. Even if I feel they are perfect for me and I’d just melt at the thought of them wanting me. They clearly don’t like me enough to advance and that’s a clear message to me to say “you aren’t good enough for me” or yadayada friends stuff (I love most of my friends but they also know this so it’s not like it’s some big secret).

Having been to a few munches I just kinda sit there and observe everyone, I do want to get involved occasionally but that’s just about it, I don’t personally “kick it off” with anyone like most do. I kind of just sit and smile and interact as most become good friends!! (Nothing wrong with that)!

I have come to the complete acceptance what I’m looking for doesn’t actually exist, not in this world anyway, maybe a sci fi novel or a fantasy world where you can create your own ideal people etc. So being happy with life this actually makes me really happy as I’m not desperate whatsoever like I used to be a long time ago. Some people just don’t exist even when you really want them to and you have dreams from time to time about someone like them.

I probably do hate trying to “date” people because it’s just not a good idea.

Imagine saying “you seem right for me” or something to someone who most definitely doesn’t see you like that 😂😂😂😅🙏 or like “would you want to be with me?” When they haven’t ever stated anywhere that they want to be with you. This is why I can’t just try to “date” someone.

I am so open with what I’m looking for that it only takes one person who knows me a tiny bit with one message or a phrase in real life to let me know they like me for me and want to take me further with them. If I’m putting all the effort to share what I really want with the world then everyone knows that if they actually want someone like me, all they have to do is let me know.

[no****]

I'm sorry dude, but I'm getting strong incel vibes. Firstly some people don't know what they want until they find it, perhaps they're new to dating, you need to meet people before knowing what clicks.
People are people, and not a criteria, you mostly have to click with someones personality to be attractive. You generalise way too much and seem to get offended why someone wouldn't find you attractive, hence incel energy.

[CopperKnob]

I think that this is quite a sad post for several reasons.
What I've read suggests that on vanilla apps you have set questions you ask others. Conversations should be organic, not the Spanish Inquisition.
Everyone here is looking for the same thing? I really doubt that. It's clear from the forums that that's not true.
Not everyone's bio here is going to answer all of your questions, they provide a snippet of who someone is. Not their whole life.
You don't 'want' to talk to others? Or you don't know what to say, you're an introvert? You're scared?
You don't want to date? Because you don't think that your perfect relationship is feasible or, you don't want to open yourself up to emotional harm if rejected?
You want others to put in the effort rather than yourself? If someone wants to date you, they just have to let you know, and that's it, job done? Devils advocate, 10 people say that to you off the back if this post, you're gonna date them, regardless as to who they are?
I think that it's probably a good idea you aren't wanting to date right now. Not until you've unpicked these thoughts at least.

[Sl****]

3 hours ago, notanumber said:

I'm sorry dude, but I'm getting strong incel vibes. Firstly some people don't know what they want until they find it, perhaps they're new to dating, you need to meet people before knowing what clicks.
People are people, and not a criteria, you mostly have to click with someones personality to be attractive. You generalise way too much and seem to get offended why someone wouldn't find you attractive, hence incel energy.

Hmmm yes you raise a point. I probably am a bit systematic nowadays like I have quite a large tickbox with this, this, this and that. I’m not offended if anyone isn’t attracted to me in that particular way, it’s perfectly okay and everyone has their free choice of who they deem they like 🙏 for me I guess this way is the most efficient way to go about filtering through people because I would only ever want a 100% match. A couple of my friends are also like this so it’s not just me hahaha and this is where I kind of got this way of filtering from I guess?

[Sl****]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that this is quite a sad post for several reasons.
What I've read suggests that on vanilla apps you have set questions you ask others. Conversations should be organic, not the Spanish Inquisition.
Everyone here is looking for the same thing? I really doubt that. It's clear from the forums that that's not true.
Not everyone's bio here is going to answer all of your questions, they provide a snippet of who someone is. Not their whole life.
You don't 'want' to talk to others? Or you don't know what to say, you're an introvert? You're scared?
You don't want to date? Because you don't think that your perfect relationship is feasible or, you don't want to open yourself up to emotional harm if rejected?
You want others to put in the effort rather than yourself? If someone wants to date you, they just have to let you know, and that's it, job done? Devils advocate, 10 people say that to you off the back if this post, you're gonna date them, regardless as to who they are?
I think that it's probably a good idea you aren't wanting to date right now. Not until you've unpicked these thoughts at least.

Hmmm I definitely don’t mind being rejected because friends I’m very compatible with I’ve asked and although not perfect to the 100% I’ve asked them and sort of been rejected.

A few of my friends also have these extensive lists to match with someone and it’s very common within Asian families I think. They have to be this, this, this, do that, this etc.

I also find this is the most efficient way to sift through people, sure people I don’t match with at all sometimes like me but with the lack of compatibility it will become a serious issue down the line. 😅 maybe my post was a bit misinterpreted but the first step is for someone to take an interest into me in that very particular way 😂 which I know doesn’t really exist so I’m not bothered by it at all.

Standard dating and talking to people I do think rises in many many problems and people I’ve met through here have told me about this systematic approach to take (early stages) of talking about all your red flags and theirs before going ahead with all boundaries set in mind. I guess I’ve taken it to another level as I reside with systematic ways of learning etc it’s just built into me I guess.

I don’t expect anyone to like me in that particular way for being what I am etc etc. If they exist then they exist and I’ll be shocked myself 😅🙏😅

[Deleted Member]

Seems like there's quite a lot of it's not going to work so why even try energy here. You have developed a very negative and pessimistic outlook, imo. Which ... is not going to serve you well here or anywhere else. You also seem to be in the mindset to throw yourself down as a challenge, almost saying here I am, come and get me then. Which puts all the work on the other person.

You say people should delve deep. I put that back on you. Not in terms of your feelings, but your approach and attitude.

[CopperKnob]

5 hours ago, jak1401 said:

Hmmm yes you raise a point. I probably am a bit systematic nowadays like I have quite a large tickbox with this, this, this and that. I’m not offended if anyone isn’t attracted to me in that particular way, it’s perfectly okay and everyone has their free choice of who they deem they like 🙏 for me I guess this way is the most efficient way to go about filtering through people because I would only ever want a 100% match. A couple of my friends are also like this so it’s not just me hahaha and this is where I kind of got this way of filtering from I guess?

No one is ever going to be 100% compatible with someone, that's not how relationships work at all, this is real life, not Disney

[Charms]

I can honestly say I never know what I want when I'm looking for a person to date.  I  have no set rules that inues for dating. Every person iv ever dated as been not like any one else iv ever dated.

 

So no I don't know what I'm looking for. I spend time with a person an I we connect an fit well togther  an they want to date me ok ill date them.

 

Also I have no idea at all if any 1 wants to date me. Master an I when we 1st got togther were fwb with nsa. We also both didn't know the other was a kinkster. We were acting like vanila people.  

Witch I was totally ok with as I knew he had things going on in his life. 

I had not seen him for a couple of weeks due to having family commitments  as it was Christmas an new year.

 

We would still txt when we could.

Then 1 of our txts Master txt said he could no long do fwb an nsa . So me being me I said OK I understand that he didn't want me in the way we'd been togther any more. But if he needed a freind 2 chat to or needed any help with things txt me an I'd help if I could.

 

He was like charms I want to date u. I want to go public with us . I want to tell people were dating . 

 

I was like erm I don't know what 2 say or think. I was shocked. Because  since we'd hooked up he said from day 1 he'd never date any 1 ever again. So yes I was shocked.

 

We spoke about things an we started dating. Even though I still haven't told him I was a kinkstet. That's another story.

 

But master an I have been dating over 4 years now

[Je****]

To be honest. 

Dating people is no different than making friends.. and making friends as an adult is hard. 

 

You said its ok if someone who knows you can message and it goes from there.. but youve already befriended them by that point. Its no different to dating. You meet people. Be friendly. 

 

For me i tell a guy hes very pretty. Its cheeky and usually kicks up the "hey im not pretty" kinda response and i can respond "pretty or not, i would" and just laugh it off. If theyre into it theyll banter and flirt back. If not they laugh and say thanks nice to meet ya kinda thing.

 

I know this kind of scenario doesnt work too well from men. So id maybe find a phrase that works? 

Or what i done when i met my fwb is hold my hand out for a high 5 

Its less approachy and more discreet and usually people always hi 5 back. If it becomes playful you may end up high 5ing as the evening goes on.. (if they like ya they usually do it back or laugh and turn away if they dont) one or both may end up with a flirty rapport and strike up a convo. And if theyre not into you and vice versa.. high 5ing is just a feel good thing you do.. 

 

Not sure if i make sense. But i found it works

 

Ive gave up online dating. 

Honestly ive stopped. 

But now im RL dating im in a love triangle. So its got very complicated and il probably have to make a choice and someone or all will be hurt

Not good