Can I have sex? Or am I just terrified?

[Sl****]

Long ago when i used to be in a long distance online relationship where I felt loved and cherished dearly. I was always really hormonal and Everytime i thought of that person I would want to Skype sex them. This happened a lot all the time until that relationship ended.

Fast forwarding to more recent times. I had a real life relationship but it was the worst thing i could ever have. So much emotional *** yadayada and being a people pleaser and wanting constant validation. Neglect is the only thing I could remember over the 3 years.

I tried really hard to have actual sex with them, i tried so much because i also thought if i could please them loads this way, then maybe I’ll get some relief and they will hurt me less because i could turn it into sex a lot of the time instead of relationship things. (Eventually i only ever stayed because i could hug them and feel like i was loved for that moment at least).

I couldn’t do it, i could get erect but i would immediately become soft the moment i tried to penetrate and if I was not constantly having intimacy for kissing/ hugging and touching.

Coming on to the second person in real life who was really nice and kind to me, i could only ever receive oral to stay hormonal. Penetration just wouldn’t work at all and i still needed a lot of hugging and kissing to even receive oral.

I understand sex is a huge thing for most relationships and I’ve probably really missed out on relationships with people who base their deal breaker on sex even if they were a very lovely person.

Finding asexual people is also really difficult because they start out asexual and then they start wanting to “explore” sex. Which then they find it and would leave quite quickly.

I have fantasised the idea of someone coercing me or roping me into it but a dominating role like that is also extremely difficult and I’m hellbent on having my next relationship last forever (or a very long time) so I would only really get one opportunity max to be roped into it. Then if i can’t become hormonal or perform, i will lose my probably only chance at finding “true” love (it’s not true love because sex would be a deal breaker as in most cases. Sex is also seen as a form of love so…)

Most of the time if i suggest to find a bull and they are with me for everything else, they are highly against that and just wouldn’t like to be in a relationship like that 🙌

So yea.. either i can’t have sex and never have been able to or I’m so scared to have it that i can’t have it haha

[Deleted Member]

hi there! aspec person here 🙂 i dont know how much i can offer for your specific situation, but just wanted to let you know i empathize somewhat with the *** of not being able to please a partner sexually or feelings of guilt for not feeling like you are "performing well" enough. your feelings are valid, and take the time you need to calm down/reflect/slowly explore! everything will work out and you will find someone. i hope you can find inspiration and courage to keep searching so you can feel fulfilled! i see you, and hear you. feel free to dm me if you want to chat more, im more than happy to find + talk to other aces 😊

[Nikki_Hexy]

I'm so sorry to hear you feel like you are having issues.

I offer this as no professional and i think you might need to talk to someone about your past abusive relationship as it sounds like the emotional and psychological wounds are a lot deeper than you may realise. I do however think that any outlet may be positive for you such as a comunity like Fetish would surely be able to help.

All else fails you could always get a hollow strap on, and use that untill you get comfortable with the idea of a relationship that works both ways rarther than the one way relationship that i think a lot of people including myself can relate to all too well.

[no****]

Firstly it sounds like it's a psychological issue, and you're 21, so you have plenty of time to "fix" the issue, I think theres a lot of pressure on guys to perform, and if you are generally an anxious person it can really fuel that, so my advice is seek professional help from the doctor, and also get a strap on, it might help you psychologically as technically you're having sex with the person but still able to have a "hard on". One other thing you can think about is, are you bi/gay? Have you tried to be intimate with a guy?

[CopperKnob]

Having just read you previous post and commented there. I do think that you need to seek out talking therapy. I doubt that your nurturing online relationship was really that 'long' ago in the grand scheme of things given your age (if it was I'd have concerns). You've then had what you describe as a 3yr emotionally abusive relationship during which and subsequently had difficulty not just sexually but also with emotional intimacy.
I would approach the Primary Mental Health Services in your area, try MIND.

[Sl****]

59 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Having just read you previous post and commented there. I do think that you need to seek out talking therapy. I doubt that your nurturing online relationship was really that 'long' ago in the grand scheme of things given your age (if it was I'd have concerns). You've then had what you describe as a 3yr emotionally abusive relationship during which and subsequently had difficulty not just sexually but also with emotional intimacy.
I would approach the Primary Mental Health Services in your area, try MIND.

Yes yes I shall 🙏🙌 haha I think 8 years is a long time 😅 at least to me anyway 😅 I do feel like I don’t need sex though and my preference leans to not having it/ never having it but we’ll see! 🙏🌹 I’ll try book an appt asap

[Sl****]

4 hours ago, checkd said:

hi there! aspec person here 🙂 i dont know how much i can offer for your specific situation, but just wanted to let you know i empathize somewhat with the *** of not being able to please a partner sexually or feelings of guilt for not feeling like you are "performing well" enough. your feelings are valid, and take the time you need to calm down/reflect/slowly explore! everything will work out and you will find someone. i hope you can find inspiration and courage to keep searching so you can feel fulfilled! i see you, and hear you. feel free to dm me if you want to chat more, im more than happy to find + talk to other aces 😊

Thank you thank you 🙏✨

[Sl****]

3 hours ago, Hexy said:

I'm so sorry to hear you feel like you are having issues.

I offer this as no professional and i think you might need to talk to someone about your past abusive relationship as it sounds like the emotional and psychological wounds are a lot deeper than you may realise. I do however think that any outlet may be positive for you such as a comunity like Fetish would surely be able to help.

All else fails you could always get a hollow strap on, and use that untill you get comfortable with the idea of a relationship that works both ways rarther than the one way relationship that i think a lot of people including myself can relate to all too well.

Haha that was one of my plans anyway but I don’t think people like that much, they want the “real thing”. I guess many people around my age don’t really conform to those sorts of things. I don’t mind not having sex it sounds more ideal to me Anyway! There’s so much more fun to have in my opinion

[Sl****]

2 hours ago, notanumber said:

Firstly it sounds like it's a psychological issue, and you're 21, so you have plenty of time to "fix" the issue, I think theres a lot of pressure on guys to perform, and if you are generally an anxious person it can really fuel that, so my advice is seek professional help from the doctor, and also get a strap on, it might help you psychologically as technically you're having sex with the person but still able to have a "hard on". One other thing you can think about is, are you bi/gay? Have you tried to be intimate with a guy?

Haha yes I shall book an appt asap! Also yes I’ve very much been intimate with guys as well but it’s more a lot like pet play haha

[Gigglesthru***]

I have PTSD from watching a person die from AIDS. Before that I use to sleep around and was not careful at all but to actually see what STD's do to people is terrible. There has to be a happy middle ground.