Do FET femdoms really exist ?

[Ma****]

Sorry Liam it might be the area you are in
I am in SF, California and there is a club in the city where I meet few people and met from here and book sessions and have plenty of great experience 🤷🏻‍♀️
If you even come this way and you have few days to spare feel free to reach out at least 2 weeks in advance
Good luck to you again

[ri****]

Same issue here bro, I'm convinced it is a thing for very rich men 🤣

[Sk****]

8 hours ago, NyxHypnoWitch said:

I see man complaining about "all Dommes want me to payy 😭😭" than I look at their profiles and -surprise?? 😏- they all want just an object that satisfies their wants. If you want to objectify a woman you SURELY are gonna pay for it, Dommes are too smart to serve you for free

Truth. Right here.

[Drew4you]

I thought this was a two way street that both doms and subs benefit. Hell i am trying to figure our where i fit.....a conversation would be nice. I don't think i have been running into true doms....when they won't talk, won't meet, ask me to pay tribute and buy toys before they even ask about me. To me i am choosing a dom as much as they are choosing me. Maybe i am naive about how this all works.

[Se****]

We do exist, be a good boy and keep looking 😉

[ge****]

Maybe I've been lucky, maybe I just have my wits about me and filter them out quickly, or maybe my approach and profile help, but in the year I've been on this site and many years on sites like it, I don't think I've ever been asked for *** by a dominant, or gone more than two or three messages with a "fake" - but then I don't go chasing every profile calling itself so, or make it my absolute goal to meet, yet I'm perfectly happy with my experience of using sites like this.
.
Some food for thought for those of you that find that "every" dominant they encounter (and I've encountered many) is either fake or out for financial gain.

[ey****]

one of the obvious things on posts like this is that folk will flip anything to avoid facing the obvious.

Be it accusing a majority of being fake - and then maybe the rest as shallow.  The typical assumption that women are only interested in rich or excessively good looking men - ignoring that 'good looking' is subjective - and - that while financial stability will always be helpful - the concept of chasing rich people is both false and disrespectful.

Among other things a lot of this is self defeating.  That if you genuinely believe this is true, then when you do find someone you might already consider or imply she is 'less' than other women and/or think she is some form of rare breed and that can also have a negative implication on a prospective relationship.

To explain.  When people cite that "the top 80% women chase the top 20% of men" rubbish - are you then saying anyone interested in you is in the bottom 20%?  That's really disrespectful.

It also ends up handwaving a lot as luck.   

The reality is more, that, even in the best of circumstances, finding compatible matches is hard.  There are far more Dominant women to one degree or another than men like to admit; however as well as being able to find or identify them there are then the further things that a lot of people have different ideas and likes about kinks and dynamics.  So if someone's ideas don't match yours, you are probably not a match.

The problem is - a lot of guys have ideas that really don't match with any or many people at all - especially if their own understanding is off.  That it is ideas which are exhausting, demanding or unrealistic.   Or, actually, brings little benefit to the other person.

One quote that stuck with me is "More women would be into Femdom if it actually benefited them" and, by that, I don't mean cash.   I mean something that enriches their life, or puts them first - rather than issuing a wishlist of fetishes or give a half-hearted "I want to try to be a sub" 

So when, as men do, approach in such a way that literally comes across as "do my fetishes with me" then the reason you're not getting replies or meets isn't because the recipient is fake, not real, or whatever - but because, well, you've made your submission all about you.

[Deleted Member]

22 hours ago, Drew4you said:

I want to know if every female dom is a prodomme.....i seem to find fakes, scammers and prodommes. The number's state there is a much higher percent of male the female doms. Based on that i shoule jusy assume i am going to pay.
Maybe i should be looking for a gooe switch!

I Domme for pleasure not ***

[Deleted Member]

I have a very good example from Eyem comment. I was vetting this guy, and giving ideas in exploring his submissive side. By chance I wasn't feeling good and suffering bad headaches. Told the guy, I needed some time by myself. Btw: I am Asian. Days passed, then he sends me this message "I was thinking, and always wanted to be dominated by an Asian woman in a Chinese dress". I was like 😨🤦‍♀️, and thinking "Hi, how are you feeling? Are you better, and headaches gone? Just wanted to check on you."... well, The End.

Flipping the coin.

The good experiences were always the same. We talked like normal people, and submission did pop on and off, but it was said like two people exchanging ideas. There was no Wanking style. Anything sexual was up to me... I made the call.

Edited October 5, 2022 by Deleted Member

[mi****]

id like to try it out. ive only been a dom my whole life. willing to explore with someone cute

[Deleted Member]

Mikeburke take a number. Jeez. This is EXACTLY what we’re dealing with. EYE ROLL.

[ey****]

49 minutes ago, mikeburke112 said:

id like to try it out. ive only been a dom my whole life. willing to explore with someone cute

to kinda help digest for you and others to learn

"I'd like to try" = you see it as something to experiment with, but non-committal.  That you have possibly not started to put in any of the leg work yourself meaning the other person is going to end up carrying the dynamic. Not appealing.

"A Dom my whole life" - you are 24.  I'm also... I rarely get what this has to do with anything.  It's like walk into a garage and saying "I've been admin assistant my whole life, and now I want to be a mechanic" like, how would that go down?  They're not going to have you stripping an engine come lunch.  At best they're going to ask what you know about being a mechanic - what research you've done. Which skills you've proactively learned.  And when it comes back that you've not really done anything - they know they're going to be investing time helping you and you'll be either off if it's not for you, or a risk of taking skills elsewhere

"Willing to explore" - really? you are *willing* - you are willing to explore your own fantasies! What an offer! 

"with someone cute" - which is rather blind.  I mean, if you are going to experiment to find out what you like and don't and get some form of hands on learning.... it's far better with someone who knows what they're doing and how to mitigate risk, rather than what you consider eye candy.

 

this is why - if you or anyone else approaches anyone in this matter the best reply you can hope for is "Sure.  Pay me." 

[Deleted Member]

22 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

to kinda help digest for you and others to learn

"I'd like to try" = you see it as something to experiment with, but non-committal.  That you have possibly not started to put in any of the leg work yourself meaning the other person is going to end up carrying the dynamic. Not appealing.

"A Dom my whole life" - you are 24.  I'm also... I rarely get what this has to do with anything.  It's like walk into a garage and saying "I've been admin assistant my whole life, and now I want to be a mechanic" like, how would that go down?  They're not going to have you stripping an engine come lunch.  At best they're going to ask what you know about being a mechanic - what research you've done. Which skills you've proactively learned.  And when it comes back that you've not really done anything - they know they're going to be investing time helping you and you'll be either off if it's not for you, or a risk of taking skills elsewhere

"Willing to explore" - really? you are *willing* - you are willing to explore your own fantasies! What an offer! 

"with someone cute" - which is rather blind.  I mean, if you are going to experiment to find out what you like and don't and get some form of hands on learning.... it's far better with someone who knows what they're doing and how to mitigate risk, rather than what you consider eye candy.

 

this is why - if you or anyone else approaches anyone in this matter the best reply you can hope for is "Sure.  Pay me." 

Essentially what you’ve described is male entitlement in the context of the kink world. Would any other newb have the audacity? No they ***y wouldn’t.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Qou said:

Essentially what you’ve described is male entitlement in the context of the kink world. Would any other newb have the audacity? No they ***y wouldn’t.

With no disrespect meant.

I'm seeing Dommes with female entitlement in this thread too. 

Lots of moaning about how they are initially approached, sexualised on a kink website and less about what they need to make them feel like they are being put first. Communicate. 

Does it need stressing, this is a kink website whereby pretty much everything is reduced to sex, with or without the kink, sexualisation is going on by everyone in some capacity. 

Both parties want something. The difference seems to be entirely how some inexperienced men approach and include / have some unrealistic expectations when they message, and I totally understand why that's off putting. 

I've had good, positive experiences in real life with several Dommes, but only negative online. I've never sent sexualised messages as an opening, and rarely if ever do I get sexual over text or messages because I don't enjoy that. I much prefer in real life or at the very least talking over the phone. 

However, even trying to engage with a Domme online in a polite and curtious way leads to either being ignored (fair enough) demands for payment (I'm no simp) or what I call the female perception that a Domme must act a certain way instead of you know engaging like an actual adult rather than role playing the perceived Domme role which is what I see a lot of online.

As a result I see a lot of women who play the Domme online as caricatures and I've all but given up approaching any because it's never lead to anything. 

In real life Dommes are different to the online kind. 

Munches, swing events, club events over seeking online. 

 

[FETMOD-GP]

Ok I'm going to jump in here! Can we get back to the OP and not be throwing insults and calling each other out the forum isn't the place for either. If you have a problem with each other please block and report. If this carries on I'll lock the topic. Thank you 

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, FETMOD-GP said:

Ok I'm going to jump in here! Can we get back to the OP and not be throwing insults and calling each other out the forum isn't the place for either. If you have a problem with each other please block and report. If this carries on I'll lock the topic. Thank you 

Unfortunately I blocked this person without reporting their behaviour. Maybe this should be highlighted as a lesson to all that if someone violates your privacy and is insulting/abusive, you should ALWAYS report them, or they’ll be allowed to carry on and try to gaslight you too.

[Deleted Member]

As it goes-I think this is the topic in a nutshell! THIS is what women experience on dating apps. And this is why most people will simply ignore rather than bother to talk.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, PoisonJohnny said:

With no disrespect meant.

I'm seeing Dommes with female entitlement in this thread too. 

Lots of moaning about how they are initially approached, sexualised on a kink website and less about what they need to make them feel like they are being put first. Communicate. 

Does it need stressing, this is a kink website whereby pretty much everything is reduced to sex, with or without the kink, sexualisation is going on by everyone in some capacity. 

Both parties want something. The difference seems to be entirely how some inexperienced men approach and include / have some unrealistic expectations when they message, and I totally understand why that's off putting. 

I've had good, positive experiences in real life with several Dommes, but only negative online. I've never sent sexualised messages as an opening, and rarely if ever do I get sexual over text or messages because I don't enjoy that. I much prefer in real life or at the very least talking over the phone. 

However, even trying to engage with a Domme online in a polite and curtious way leads to either being ignored (fair enough) demands for payment (I'm no simp) or what I call the female perception that a Domme must act a certain way instead of you know engaging like an actual adult rather than role playing the perceived Domme role which is what I see a lot of online.

As a result I see a lot of women who play the Domme online as caricatures and I've all but given up approaching any because it's never lead to anything. 

In real life Dommes are different to the online kind. 

Munches, swing events, club events over seeking online. 

 

 

 

 

I think most people are nicer in actual life. Have to be, or our neighborhoods would be having disputes all the times. A long time ago, there was a mass Asian shooter. I told my Asian boss, thank goodness we are not allowed to have guns in most of Asia. He said "Off course it's good. Everybody would have guns, and Asia would be nonexistent."...😂

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Qou said:

As it goes-I think this is the topic in a nutshell! THIS is what women experience on dating apps. And this is why most people will simply ignore rather than bother to talk.

😘💖💖💖

[Deleted Member]

Hey I’ve been on here for a few days, reached out to a lot of people, places two ads, and haven’t really had the results I wanted :(

[ge****]

3 hours ago, purple-orchid said:

Hey I’ve been on here for a few days, reached out to a lot of people, places two ads, and haven’t really had the results I wanted :(

OK let's break that down a little:
.
You've been here a few days - that is but a nanosecond in Fet terms especially when it comes to meeting people - Rome wasn't built in a day my friend - it takes time to build connections, along with the right approach, correctly set expectations and attitude all bundled up with a decent profile and pictures.
.
You've reached out to a lot of people - so you've sent ***tergun messages to all and sundry regardless of whether there's a good match, probably without reading their profiles and likely with the same message to each of them? Totally the wrong approach, be more selective and contact only those you genuinely believe are a good match, show interest in them, tailor the message to them, and accept that just because you think there's a good match doesn't mean they will too.
.
You haven't had the results *you* wanted - entitlement, entitlement, entitlement!! Your expectations are set totally incorrectly, it's not all about what you want, though it does play a part obviously - it's about finding mutual wants, and certainly isn't about finding it within "days" of joining.
.
If you seriously want to make something of this site, take a step back, reset your expectations, adjust your approach, take a look at your profile and see how you can improve it and read back through this thread and others like it and take heed to the responses of those that aren't complaining of their lack of "luck" and particularly those of the ladies you are hoping to attract.

[ey****]

something that was a really good thread over on Fetlife kinda pointed out a lot of the mistakes that newcomers makes and the perceptions.

So, join site - and then immediately start by posting classifieds and messaging/adding a whole bunch of women.

On one hand it comes over rather desperate and of course the other issue is that as soon as you message more than a small handful of people it feels less like reaching to potential matches and more like throwing messages at a wall to see what will stick.  It's not this person interests or excites you, it's that they're there and you're hoping for the best.

On the other hand.  You join a website which is an absolute pool of knowledge and resources and instead of taking any time to read, digest, or learn - you bypass that - which means any form of "I just want to learn" statements is actually a lie. Because you glossed over all of that.    Which is a huge red flag.

There's nothing wrong with being new - but being new and doing this awful two-footed approach - you're just the latest.   So you need to learn from this.

[ey****]

16 hours ago, PoisonJohnny said:

I'm seeing Dommes with female entitlement in this thread too. 

Lots of moaning about how they are initially approached, sexualised on a kink website and less about what they need to make them feel like they are being put first. Communicate. 

So. I wouldn't say that Domme entitlement doesn't exist; because it does.

However.

"She should reply to my message" = entitlement

"I won't reply to messages that are lazy, gross, or where I'm not really interested in the person" = expectancy.

Like, men, if you get contacted by someone you are really not interested in there is no obligation to reply.  Of course, if you do reply you can do so safe in the knowledge there are not 40 more messages coming, and that the person you reply "Thanks but you're not what I'm looking for" isn't going to reply with obscenities.

And, you know. When men complain about a shortage of women on websites - a lot of this is because of how overly sexualised they are.  It is off-putting to a lot of women, so it's why yeah - there are NO shortage of 'real' "Femdoms", however a lot of male behaviour is off-putting to how much they are visible on sites, if even there at all.

It's a self-defeating prophecy.

And when we talk about what they would want to feel put first, and to communicate - there are threads and threads on this.  And on those is men who chime out about the ridiculous demands women have (Standards, they're called standards, try having some) 

So, they can't win.

16 hours ago, PoisonJohnny said:

In real life Dommes are different to the online kind. 

Munches, swing events, club events over seeking online. 

One of the big differences in person is that women aren't dealing with all the online a**holes.  All the 'hey' messages all the "you are beautiful" which is replied with "thank, but I'm not interested" and re-replied with "F**k you ugly c**t" - and so while community spaces aren't a**hole free zones - there's fewer and often easier to manage.

By showing up you, as a guy, already stand out from most the online guys because you have shown you are looking to meet, to get involved and it's easier to asses attitude - it is one of the easiest ways to stand out

of course, we also have people who turn up who expect to meet someone and this is still a long term thing - but, yeah, they tend not to last long rather than just moaning online  

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So. I wouldn't say that Domme entitlement doesn't exist; because it does.

Agreed! 

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

However.

"She should reply to my message" = entitlement

"I won't reply to messages that are lazy, gross, or where I'm not really interested in the person" = expectancy.

I don't think anyone is disputing this isn't entitlement or trying to set a standard for communication that a lot of men fail miserably at. 

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Like, men, if you get contacted by someone you are really not interested in there is no obligation to reply.  Of course, if you do reply you can do so safe in the knowledge there are not 40 more messages coming, and that the person you reply "Thanks but you're not what I'm looking for" isn't going to reply with obscenities.

This is a bit of an illusion, I'm likely not the only guy this has happened to, and while on the whole I recognise its less prevelant the fact remains I've had several women get abusive towards me in the past after politely rejecting there advances online. I've also recently had a woman who after I told her I wasn't interested, continue to try and sent pictures of herself to me over WhatsApp, this after I had asked not to be contacted anymore. Let's be fair here and not pretend this is confined as a male only behavioural issue because it looks like fairness is going out of the window in favour trying to attribute all blame onto men. 

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

And, you know. When men complain about a shortage of women on websites - a lot of this is because of how overly sexualised they are.  It is off-putting to a lot of women, so it's why yeah - there are NO shortage of 'real' "Femdoms", however a lot of male behaviour is off-putting to how much they are visible on sites, if even there at all.

Maybe I'm being blind, or mistaken because I'm not seeing any guy complaining about a shortage of women online, but a shortage of responses, acknowledgment, to be recognised and not to feel invisible online. 

I do recognise and accept no one is owed a response, and that a great deal of men online are idiots and say stupid and offensive shit, are emotional immature and prone to bad behaviour if the above is something they continue to experience. Most don't understand why, they don't understand the rules of the game, and probably can't articulate the frustration they feel when they lose the game. I'm definitely not justifying bad reactions, only saying as a guy, I get it and can understand. I think its important others try to understand without belittlement too. 

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

And when we talk about what they would want to feel put first, and to communicate - there are threads and threads on this.  And on those is men who chime out about the ridiculous demands women have (Standards, they're called standards, try having some) 

So, they can't win.

Not every Domme is the same, threads from one Domme maybe irrelevant to another. In my experience, it's best to ask directly to avoid any ambiguity. A one size fits all solution is just going to cause more communication issues, even for those that genuinely try because it forgets Dommes are individuals and not a collection of people who just want the exact same thing. 

Threads are great as a general idea, but never gospel unless you're talking to the OP. 

I'm not so sure every 'Domme', has standards, I say that with respect.

There's an exploitive side that a lot of Dommes online use because they only care about maintaining a certain lifestyle which disregards any genuine relationship dynamic and is only about a financial transaction for them.

Yes, plenty of happy people do this, however I'm not sure how anyone can justify that as having 'standards' when it's immaterial who the person is and only about how much they can contribute financially. Standards go out of the window when the cash is flowing. 

I was at a kink event about ten years ago in Leeds, I've thought about this guy a few times since, but I got talking because he was sitting next to me and he was telling me how much debt he was in because he was subsidising a Dommes lifestyle, he was badly addicted and couldn't stop, exploitation isn't a standard. And yeah I think the guy was silly and gullible but it's common place online now and something that isn't recognised as an actual problem within the scene. 

Men/anyone can have legitimate issues with the way some Dommes behave, articulating them online can be a legitimate way to air a grievance that holds merit. 

If your standards are causing real life harm then perhaps there not really the sort of standards you should be aspiring to have. 

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

One of the big differences in person is that women aren't dealing with all the online a**holes.  All the 'hey' messages all the "you are beautiful" which is replied with "thank, but I'm not interested" and re-replied with "F**k you ugly c**t" - and so while community spaces aren't a**hole free zones - there's fewer and often easier to manage.

By showing up you, as a guy, already stand out from most the online guys because you have shown you are looking to meet, to get involved and it's easier to asses attitude - it is one of the easiest ways to stand out

of course, we also have people who turn up who expect to meet someone and this is still a long term thing - but, yeah, they tend not to last long rather than just moaning online  

It's definitely better in person for both, and agree showing up, letting people gauge who you are in person is infinitely more benificial to both parties. 

And before anyone wants to chime in, or get aggressive with me, this is my observation from within the scene, the self own foals by both, the ironic irony.

I'm not hating on Dommes or women, affirming bad male behaviour but do think its important people articulate and talk and share experiences even if  you disagree about the nuances.

 

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

something that was a really good thread over on Fetlife kinda pointed out a lot of the mistakes that newcomers makes and the perceptions.

So, join site - and then immediately start by posting classifieds and messaging/adding a whole bunch of women.

On one hand it comes over rather desperate and of course the other issue is that as soon as you message more than a small handful of people it feels less like reaching to potential matches and more like throwing messages at a wall to see what will stick.  It's not this person interests or excites you, it's that they're there and you're hoping for the best.

On the other hand.  You join a website which is an absolute pool of knowledge and resources and instead of taking any time to read, digest, or learn - you bypass that - which means any form of "I just want to learn" statements is actually a lie. Because you glossed over all of that.    Which is a huge red flag.

There's nothing wrong with being new - but being new and doing this awful two-footed approach - you're just the latest.   So you need to learn from this.

It’s admirable that you (and others) are trying to help and save women the time and energy, but the men who are guilty of this behaviour simply don’t know how to treat women as equals -they treat them like they are there to service them from the off. It’s in the tone of everything they write.
That’s why I make comments about the patriarchy. You can’t ignore the context that has meant so many men feel that this behaviour is acceptable and act this way. They’re mostly not even aware. They’re brought up thinking “mum was there to feed me, all other women are there to get me off” - they see no value in women beyond this. That’s why there are so many pro-Dommes.

Your intentions are great, it would be lovely to think this kind of info made people check their bad behaviours at the door, but all you really do is show them how to get through that door and then they’re on their own, with the same attitudes and behaviour they came in with.

Men who desire women but have problems attracting them should really try developing their relationship skills-make friends with women. Actual friends. Treat us as equals. And this is why it’s easier to meet people in real life, because there are more habitual social norms that hold us all accountable (not to mention laws to better protect our safety). The fact is most of these men will not have female friends, the very concept of it is lost. So telling them how to get accepted for a starting conversation is really a losing battle for all, all you really do is give them pick up advice. And that’s not on you-but that is all they’re looking for.